August

 

It’s a Sunday night. I don’t really have much mental capacity, but Ive felt like I should be journaling all weekend.  I’m watching a tarot video and she says I’ll get back in touch with some old attachment I haven’t had space for in a long time… that I will allow it to unfold. 

The week has been particularly stressful. My company was basically purchased by an insurance company and ever since all the promises they have made have been upended and with a positive spin (a little two faced toxicity). So this week it was a new electronic health record… and very little preparation or forethought.     Mid week, I had to realize, that my job is about being with the clients, not stressing about paperwork.. and that made it easier. But I was stressed and somewhat furious all week. 

But on the positive side it will push me from the nest, get me away from this insurance company BS, and get me started with my own bs whatever that will be. I’m doing research and trying to figure out what private practice looks like. I want to leave, even have urges to leave randomly, but I want to get out ethically and potentially bring all my clients with me. 

The woman in the tarot video says emotions will come, especially nostalgia, and that I should keep feeling through it,  because it’s happening for me not to me. A reawakening. Some sort of truth I’m ready to integrate into my being. 

On Friday night I had a dream in which I came upon a table of old friends who were all hanging out, without me.  This has been something I’ve been thinking about lately a lot. About all these friendships I’ve let go. But in the dream, I went to each of them individually and tried to reestablish that I loved them, but that my limited amount of energy kept me from being in relationship, but that it wasn’t a matter of caring… whatever that means.  I woke up thinking of all these loved ones who I used to spend hours and hours and hours thinking about. How many loved ones have I allowed to pass through my life?

I spent much of Saturday thinking nostalgically, but also with that familiar anxiety that something bad was gonna happen. Later I got a text that one of my old coworkers died. I’d been told he was in hospice a few weeks ago, and that and other things had been bringing up all these nostalgic feelings. I dont know that my dread was related. But one of the people I talked to in the dream was the one that broke the news. 

Not to be weird but I do miss that side of me… the one that feels connected to the spirit and the universe and what not.  Able to tap the thread of the comings and goings. 

I feel grief lately for a lot of things and people. Parts of myself or my old life that I don’t quite want back, but do appreciate still. 

Last night I went to see the new Deadpool movie by myself. A late night movie in Minneapolis, a solo adventure.  So me.   I drove back through the city reminded of bars and restaurants and neighborhoods and coffee shops I once frequented, or special occasions with friends.  Again, I didn’t quite want it. But appreciated it.  I wanted to get home to E. I wouldn’t choose a night in a bar over a night with her, or even being in the same apartment in separate rooms… but I do miss all those past me’s sometimes.  

She has a chronic condition, an invisible disability, and we are making a life together. Easy in these cases to allow your world to shrink. How to make it big again? Or do I even care?

I’ve spent the last few months dreaming of world travel… so I must care… or be needing a break. She pointed out I usually travel in between major life events. Time to reflect and process… 

Friends are coming into town this month, and I’m worried I won’t have the capacity to meet them with enthusiasm. 

I’m 40 years old. I feel like I’ve lived lifetimes already.   

I want the future to be directed by hope and optimism rather than fear.  Abundance, openness, freedom. I waver though, I’m not sure I believe myself to have the capacity. 

I enjoy sitting around and avoiding all the meaning making… when you do it for a living, it get exhausting sometimes. 

Am I ready to give up the old parts of myself? The cds and book collections? Should I move away and start anew?   Should I go on a walkabout before I try to shoulder the rest of my life?

I dunno. 

Like I said, mentally I’m prettt dull tonight.