It’s near midnight, I took a nap earlier and now my mind is active. This weekend has been a continuation of a stress filled life and I find myself fantasizing of travel and escape. It’s not that anything is on fire, it’s that everything feels very stuck or in decline, like the world is shrinking, or as I was reading earlier she and by some extension we, are just experiencing survival mode.
I’ve never really been on pure survival other than when I have put myself there. I’ve been in minimizing and freezing temporarily, I’ve been in short term depression, I’ve been in anxiety that causes stuck- but not actual survival mode - it is alien and not fun. It makes me tight, cold, crabby and resentful. Makes me judgy.
It makes me realize how privileged my life has been. That I’ve faced difficulties but never prolonged. Never week after week. In many ways I’ve faced more of this with E than I ever have in my life, at first with the pregnancy, and now this, and it makes me both grateful for my life and also causes me to question.
I took Friday off with the intention of relaxing of having time to just enjoy myself. We went to cannon falls to get labs done, and I got Dairy Queen on the way home and played computer games till 4 am.
I woke up crabby on Saturday and didn’t go buy a car like I had planned to this weekend. It’s not a need, it’s a want, and in some ways feels like a big purchase that doesn’t matter right now. E is barely driving and encourages me to take her car so she has no reason to leave the house. On Saturday I went for a walk and ended up getting my tarot read in uptown with a backing track of 90s grunge (Hole), the first card pulled was “death” - death to the old and renewal… card after card of swords followed, calling on me to use my intellect and persevere through a difficult time, an entrapment of sort, then the Queen of hearts (embracing in confidence of emotions), then a new layout of a brighter future. - and the guidance id asked for basically said the thing I already know.
This is a time of fear. Scarcity. Doubt. Difficulty. And after will come brighter days, but do I work through the trap, or pull out of it?
I returned home in a better mood, with sage and palo santo and a “healing” candle. We went grocery shopping. The day became muddled into nothing, I’m pretty sure I went to bed early.
Sunday morning I went and got a massage, or rather a beating on the form of a massage at the mall. The mess of knots in my back, now feel like bruises. By 3 we decided to go down to Rochester with the hopes of speeding up the referral process. We spent approximately 3-4 hours in the ER, which was well run and nice but still was an emergency room, to find out there was nothing worse going on (from what they could tell) and that they could try to speed up the referral… they could not determine whether current symptoms were caused by the medicines or the condition. And didn’t want to hazard a guess… round trip it was 7 hours to shave off a few months on a waiting list… but without any new answers or guidance.
Today she was in a better mood for the most part, but didn’t want to overwhelm herself by going to a movie with her mom and niece. We went for a walk, and it started raining. The weather report had said drizzle and within minutes of getting back to the house it was a brutal thunderstorm and total downpour.
The news had many stories of major weather events causing great damage. The world is changing and I’m fantasizing about going some place that will be too hot for me.
I find myself not wanting to be around people, feeling that caretaker burnout to some extent. It’s not as bad as I’m making it sound but I don’t feel like my partner can be a partner consistently right now, and that’s difficult. I guess I wasn’t expecting it at this time in my life.
It’s funny though, because I look back and see this in all of my relationships (limited as they may be) and it makes me wonder if it’s me. Maybe I’m the common thread, some mix of being too accommodating and also too judgmental? I don’t know.
I’ve been thinking a lot about karma and soul contracts, maybe because it’s easier than saying I’m privileged and that gets me places… but nonetheless, I’ve been wondering why it is that things happen to/for us, and why we A) find ourselves in the same patterns and B) Put up with it.
A client recently told me that he didn’t trust himself not to fall into the same bad habits/patterns agai despite making some significant changes to his life, and I told him that I thought it was really confusing to me that he would continue to believe that about himself despite making changes… and he was just kind of blunt about it being more honest with himself… and I kind of wonder if that’s maybe what I am doing ‘wrong’ in life, gaslighting myself into believing that there is more hope or light or positivity than I am actually seeing.
I am fantasizing right now of running away, of taking a bag and flying to India, Nepal, Bangladesh, south east Asia, maybe make my way down to Australia, take a year or 5, give up on having a family or a business, just go be somewhere…
The last time I went somewhere I was frustrated by the lack of connection, of companionship, I just wanted to be home with E, or wanted her traveling with me.
I still want that. But I can’t imagine going to Mexico City, or India or whatever with her, and right now it is totally out of the question.
I can spend my life wondering, dreaming etc, or I can do it. I can spend my life worrying or be present. I can spend my life brainstorming solutions or caretaking or, allow people to make their own decisions experience their own consequences… I just don’t know how to do all of it.
Ram Dass always explains that he was told “ you’re in a school, why not try to take the curriculum?” And I find myself kind of wondering if I am desperate to not take the curriculum which includes suffering and fear and hurt and loss… and maybe I’m experiencing them through others at this point because I have avoided my own hurts.
I don’t know. Maybe I need to invest in my own wellbeing more, take a yoga class, go see a psychiatrist or a healer, get beat up by a massage therapist more often.
It’s hard to plan for a future when you’re in uncertainty. Hard to find hope when there aren’t clear answers or direction.
I find myself with brain fog too. I find myself irritable too.
I was listening to the girls podcast (we can do hard things) and Glennon said that when Esther Perel was on she said “in every relationship there is one person who is desperate to not lose the other, and one person desperate to not lose themselves” or something to that extent. Made me wonder…
I think I find myself struggling to feel hopeful for a future, but it makes me feel like I’m avoiding things when I start to plan for one. Like I could start a business, plan a trip, buy a house or a car…but I don’t feel I have the resources or stability or backing to stay motivated or follow through. My foundations feel unclear at times… I guess.
Which is why it’s easy to picture myself with a bag and some shoes and just walking away. Even if that feels super sad, super selfish, - it’s like my version of suicide.
I’m not actually gonna do this, but I am wondering what I am gonna do next… I guess. If things stay the same? If they change? If I make them change or if I am the responder to changes outside of my control… I guess that is what I am thinking about.
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