The downtime

 It's Nov 17th, 2024. Its a Sunday night, right before a busy week, and then a half week with thanksgiving. 

This weekend I saw Rachel and Illy. I talked to my mom about a house. I spent a lot of time cuddling with the cat.

I visited about 6 open houses, and drove by a few others before realizing I didn't actually want to live in those neighborhoods, or the houses didn't look great.  2 houses in Columbia heights, 1 in St. Paul, 1 in Richfield, 1 in Golden Valley, 1 in North East.    The only one I really considered was the Golden Valley one, as the rest had something that stood out as needing fixing beyond my abilities.  It's odd with the Golden Valley one because again, do I want to live in the suburbs? It would have been a house to visit with E, and I realized that shortly after I left. -That this was a house I had few complaints about, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is what I am looking for.  It makes me sad. 

Rachel isn't convinced I even want a house.  We toured one of the Columbia Heights ones together and she pointed out all the things that would need to be fixed structurally. I mostly noticed the cosmetic stuff and wasn't impressed much. It was a helpful lesson as I continue to look for homes. As a single home owner, she is aware of how much work they are, as well as the financial responsibility... and she wonders if I am just trying to run away from my problems.  

I am. 

Beyond that, I am also thinking of how to diversify my savings. I have money in various stocks and bonds... but nothing that is real and appreciating in value. There is part of me that wants something to own, before the whole country goes to shit. But maybe that is just adding headaches when it might be better to be fluid. 

So running away AND investing/rooting myself.

What do I really want?   

I've been asking myself that all week. The urge to travel for 6 months seems to have passed, though I do want to travel at some point. The stupid mistakes I keep making on my passport are gonna settle that matter and keep me here till at least next year. 

I've been cleaning and organizing. It helped to have Illy come over, put some fire under me to address the things I hadn't been paying attention to. Once E takes all her stuff, the house will feel less empty, but not ungodly miserable like it might have -had I not bought a bunch of cheap furniture and grabbed things from the basement.  Its too much space for me, and a house -really of any size would be also. But like a true american consumer, I can fill space over time. 

She didn't come back this week like she had planned to. Probably got caught up in taking care of her niece and nephews, so there are collections around the apartment ready to be put into a storage once she has the chance. Not that she wants to.  And me, I go back and forth on quickly I want her to do this whole moving out thing... but that is my selfishness and desire for things to not have to change so drastically. 

They already have though... its been about 7 weeks since she moved out. There are times when I don't even notice... staying busy, having tasks, projects, goals, or distractions. There are other times when I notice very much... when she is around I burst into tears. When she isn't, sometimes I just notice the pang of sadness or grief, and I don't know what to do with it.  

I've started with the drama in my head. Making the arguments, the case for why we have to be broken up. I am aware that I am trying to justify something that I had previously felt was unjustified. I don't want to get back together because I don't want to be in a relationship in which I take on more and more responsibility because otherwise I would doubt its success. That's not a group project, that's me taking the lead.   But that is my side of the story. She has hers... and I want to write the narrative for both of us so that I am not the bad guy.

But that's not my right. Nor is it my responsibility.  I don't want to get back together. I am moving forward. It hurts my heart, and it breaks my heart to know I am hurting her... but I want a different life, and I am choosing that. End of story.    ----my mind is not so easily convinced. 

In the downtime, is when I realize the grief, or it swirls in... and I am sad, and lonely, and confused, and totally don't know a way forward. I feel kind of helpless despite being totally functional and doing all the things.

I am asking the universe and my spirit guides and the angels and saints, and G-d themselves... as well as myself. 

In therapy the other day I realized... you know, the reason I feel weird about it is because I don't want E to feel like I did when my Dad left us. That's it, pure and simple. I don't want her to be hurt by my "selfishness."  And yet, she is not a child. She is an adult. She is supposed to be my equal, my co-person. And this whole protecting her thing is part of how we got soooooo off base. I need to not act or believe this whole thing anymore. I am not selfish, or when I am...its because I am protecting the parts of me that can love and support others...   That's not what happened when I was a kid.

Probably need to re-read the adult children of emotionally immature parents again with this in mind.  

I just need  boundaries. and direction...

I am not running away, not rushing into anything, not running back to an ex, or over indulging in stuff.  Trying to find a healthy mature balance that sets me up for the next thing.

What is funny... is that I kind of developed a slight crush on one of the pastors at church today. 

Church feels good. I want to continue to go. That's one of my only YESes right now. Which feels odd. 

Work meh,  business meh, friends sure -maintain and build on what is there, family same... living situation  -getting by, direction?   no idea.

It will be hard when she takes the cat, but I'll probably get way better sleep, and I'll clean the floors really good... and probably find cat hair for months if not years... but  it will still be hard. He sleeps with me, stays in the same rooms with me, bugs me all the time... 

She got jealous sometimes of how much he liked me, and how much attention I gave him. It was kind of annoying. 

I don't know what I am saying anymore.... probably gonna watch a tarot video or something... they make me so much more optimistic than I am naturally.   Its like, sunlight and tarot videos, and church are my balms right now. Salves?  maybe...

Maybe I need to take acid or go on a religious retreat.  

I don't know... 

my anxiety is a lot higher than I think I am pretending... it spikes when I need to eat. I am doing a good job of reminding myself to take care of my self before I let it throw me completely off.

Life goes on

 It’s 8 am the morning after the 2024 election. Douchbag will be president again. The senate has flipped to republican control, and we dont know about the house.  

It’s honestly devastating.  The cat woke me up early, but the pundits and things were predicting it by midnight, and i just turned off the tv resigned but hoping for a miracle that didnt come. 

The blame game is easy. 

I am angry. And hurt. And worried about so many people. Multiple clients have said they may be suicidal if…

And well, I understand. Who wants to live through hell?

The rise and fall of empires, this is just our turn. 

I’m worried about so many, and yet, selfishly I want to hide. Want to stay home, quit, run away. I dont want to have to work harder. I dont know that working harder will solve anything…

I dont want to console. I dont want to reach out to loved ones. I want someone to console me. I am alone and selfish and childlike… and I have responsibilities… and I have unmet needs too. 

It’s hard to imagine a more inept leader, and yet he won the popular vote?  People hate this guy, think he’s an asshole… and yet. People like assholes. 

I dont think it will be the fascist state he promises, i think it will more likely be the money grab corruption. But i could be wrong. Maybe he unleashes the stupidity and the greedy and the malicious all at once. Maybe it is end times… maybe this has happened hundreds if not thousands of times all over the world throughout history. We could do better… but, meh.

There is a new congresswoman who is trans. I fear for her. For her safety and her sanity. When the bullies have been given free rein. I can imagine hate crimes at the capitol, and thats ridiculous. 

One thing that was reinforced last night, is how alone i am. Didnt talk to anyone, scrolled social media for other peoples posts, it was just me and pundits on tv.  

Makes me wonder if i should be doing something else entirely with my life… 

Yesterday E and i were texting about the baby blankets and even the fucking pregnancy test that basically jumpstarted our relationship into solidity. I was crying about it. My heart still heavy with stuff that has happened so long ago, trying to let go, trying to be with and breath into, and still…   Maybe i should follow my heart that is so easily broken, so illogical. Maybe i should follow it towards these immense feelings, and the connection that causes them? 

Maybe i should give up ln this house and business thing, and just take my money and run to some paradise. Live on a beach, fish, read and write. 

Maybe i should go be a monk or a pastor.

Maybe i should join a community. Maybe start a cult. 

Maybe… get a fatal disease and die  all possibilities. 

It feels like we chose a stupid timeline. 

Im mad at myself for starting to believe she would win.  But america cant have nice things can it.

Meaninglessness

 Ive noticed the grief and loneliness are the worst at night and in the morning. Ive noticed it hits me the hardest when im hungry, and then sometimes im even less hungry. 

Today was a good day. I accomplished my goals. I saw illy and my mom. I even texted a bit with E- telling her i was looking for a house. Trying not to fall back into the old pattern because i dont want to lead her on, but I want to say I miss you. But I didnt really. I implied I was moving forward with my life. And she said congrats, even though she meant - it hurts me to hear that. 

I took a nap. I woke up around 5:30 the time id normally get home from work and be starving… I woke up, and nothing seemed enticing, nothing all that positive or fulfilling. I could have gone right back to sleep. I felt a little under the weather. I went through the motions, did my spanish lesson, read a book, played a game on my phone, watched a bunch of videos. I perused houses on zillow and the database my realtor has. 

 I stared at the blank walls of my apartment. Considered how empty it will soon be, this void of space that used to be filled with her and her stuff.

No wonder ive been so into shopping lately. No wonder I was desperate to buy a house. Trying to fill the void. 

The rest of the week will be easier-  tomorrow i work till 7. Then I’ll eat and go to bed. Wednesday i have my art class. Thursday? Maybe I’ll meet trick or treaters at the door… the weekend?   Try to find more houses to visit, open houses.. see what i like. Next week take on more clients, bring the paperwork home so that i have something i have to do. 

Art materials have been on my table for a week and I haven’t touched them.  

I have a half written book i could return to. 

I have vacations I could plan.

I have friends and family, and a church. 

I could take a class. I could teach a class. I could get a cat when she takes Simba who has been a constant in my life since i moved in… (he loves me, sometimes shed even be jealous). 

I dunno.  What do you do when you dont know what is next?    Or it takes time for the next thing to arrive? 

I suppose it’s just sitting with the meaninglessness, the loneliness, the loss and heartbreak. 

I must seem so cold when I talk to other people they dont see me crying every day. I must seem so put together and determined to the outside world. Bold… when really I’m - well I suppose part of me is that… its not really im different, its, I am also so vulnerable and sad and scared of living an unloved life. I think I've been caretaking so that i feel worthy. But Id like a partner who is my equal. Someone capable, creative, compassionate, smart, passionate, funny and silly, worldly, but also comfy to chill at home, who knows the struggles but can be grateful.

Sometimes when I was with E or M, Id catch myself recognizing i was settling for something because it’s so easy for me to be content. To enjoy being in relationship… but I wasn’t happy. I didn't see myself happy going forward… just more struggle over and over.  It’s not that i dont love these people… I still think of them and pray for them all… it’s just, not for me. 

But what is?

"Georgia" And some snapshots of grief and life moving forward

For some reason this song has been one of the ones that makes me cry. Sometimes I put it on repeat to stay with it. 

This week has been funny.  Last weekend or earlier this week my mom sent me a house listing around the block from her. For some reason the idea of buying the house stole my attention this week, and I got it into gear. I applied to be approved for a loan from the bank. I got a realtor. I told my therapist I might buy a house. I saw it on Saturday and though it wasn't quite the thing I wanted, I almost convinced myself to buy it. 

Saturday night after seeing it with my Mom and Grant, I drove around the east side of Saint Paul and tried to convince myself I'd have a new area to explore. New hang outs. Places I could invite people.  

I hoped a dream or something would say "YES" but even though that didn't happen, all the signs of moving forward seemed to be pointing me to get it...  I started fantasizing about what I wanted to do with each room. How I'd manage the lawn. I tried to tell myself some of the downsides were temporary or I'd just avoid them... I was sure I should go forward with it. Then on Sunday before pulling the trigger, I decided to go to an open house of another place... walking in, it felt more comfortable... felt more like something I could manage without having too much hassle. I didn't like the whole house, but I could see myself easily in the space. And I realized I needed to slow down. That actually if I listen to myself, I don't want an old house where I have to deal with slanted floors and the wood making none of the furniture fit right. I just want something solid with good lighting, and a neighborhood I enjoy. 

I told my mom I was sure I was doing well with the grief, and that even though I recognized some impulsivity in this whole house thing... it was ok.  Later I walked out of her house and the only person I wanted to call to talk about the house with was E. Wanted her opinion. Wanted her to be excited. Wanted her input on how to decorate and make it a home. I drove around that night trying to tell myself it was ok, but things kept reminding me of her absence as my companion.

This morning at church I couldn't stop crying. Snot and tears.  Why didn't we ever go in person?

I walked around noticing the yards and wanted to point them out.  Went to the second house, and realized how little I have to fill a home... 

Tonight, I thought about how I don't have a project (no new home this weekend), and even though I don't have work tomorrow, I sort of dreaded the feeling of the future without a solid goal.  I know I needed to eat and that was playing into it...but everything started to feel alien and stupid. I missed having my companion. I missed cooking for someone, or planning my night based on them, or having someone to check in with, or run errands for, or make a future with. 

I've been though this before... but I guess its hitting me tonight more so... just the total lack of a future...

Why hasn't it been hitting all week?   maybe having a house project... maybe all the tarot videos that tell me Im on the right track and things will change soon. Maybe... I dunno. 

At church they had that quote about faith in action,   If I were arrested for being a person of faith (a UU) , would there be enough evidence to convict me?   And it makes me kind of question whether I am doing anything of importance?    My life as a therapist is so   minimal, sealed off,  isolating.

What do I want to do to have a bigger life?    I've been more active lately... but I probably can't keep it all up you know...

I don't really know what I want or where I am going.   Thought I did, but I fool myself so easily. That's kind of the thing with the house... I'm caught off guard by how easy it was for me to delude myself... and get excited and -I know I am the type that I would have made either of those houses work. I can put up with a lot...  but the whole point of this was that I was gonna start doing things for me.   And me... who is that guy?  what's he got to do with anything.

Regret?

 E is starting to get her things, she took down reminder notes and affirmations we had given to one another.  She has cleaned out a few areas and put post its on other stuff to either let me know she is taking it, or that she will leave it for me. The tv in the bedroom she is leaving. The other one she will take eventually.  Logistically she has no where for it all to go right now, but she will pack and organize. Shes asked me not to pack for her. 

I came home and the small changes were devastating. It would be different if i was angry, but im not. Im disappointed. Im disappointed that we cant seem to make it work and that over time our lives have not gotten easier. 

Im reminding myself again and again of how it felt when she acted helpless. Reminding myself of all the opportunities there are to do things, go places, find a better healthier fit. But it’s hard when i also loved this life. I was content to not go those places because I enjoyed being her partner, enjoyed hanging out with her, enjoyed the routine comforts and the home she created here. 

It could have gone on that way. It could have changed and id have been happy to go it with her. But instead it suddenly was my responsibility alone, and i just couldn't keep doing for her when I knew she was capable. It was the prove to me games, the how can i trust you, that really caused me to doubt. Suddenly i was questioning these things i had thought were solid. Suddenly i was doing that thing in my head where you think “it would be easier if…” and suddenly when she pushed - i said enough. 

I am simply trying to enforce the boundaries that would allow me to love myself and her.  But that was too much. 

She told me she cant sit with the ambiguity, the door not quite shut. So i told her we can shut it then. 

In the last few days Ive hung out with friends, tried new things, explored new places. Ive returned to old places that made me feel good, places i would have shared with her if shed been open to it. Ive told people what would work better for me -Rather than catering to what i thought they wanted. It’s been really good. This weekend has been a really good weekend… but ive been crying so much today and i just feel so heavy with hurt and sadness. It burns in my chest. All the things i havent said because i didnt feel theyd be heard. And now… now she is moving out of my life.

And she isnt being mean. But she is hurt and angry. She is wondering why i wont keep trying to make it work like i did in the past. She is probably feeling rejected. 

AND she has made it clear she cant move back into this home anyway.  Even if we were to try, it would be packing up anyway. She cant live out of a suitcase at her sisters house. She cant stand to be in the home she made here… and she didn't put in effort to find us a new one.

Maybe it’s all unfair, maybe she wasnt in tbe place to do so. 

Maybe all this regret and questioning is ridiculous. I asked G-d and the universe and whatever was looking out for me to help me change the course back to being in alignment. 

I couldnt make the changes i needed to.   

Maybe we can meet again when we are both doing better. But i cant keep doing this caretaking thing. 

Still, I’ll probably keep crying as she goes. It’s gonna be shitty. 

Im reminded of so much positive and so much i am grateful for… but it hurts my heart to be reminded how it was filled up and drained again and again. 

Maybe im making a big mistake… 

But i dont think so. I think i just hate knowing someone i love is suffering and i could do something about it… but ive come to recognize it wont benefit them.  

End

 This morning i woke up crabby and depressed. I had therapy at 8, and by 9 i felt better. Felt like i was validated in my decisions. Felt like i was starting to trend in the right direction. I had a pretty light day at work. Then elsa asked me to go for a walk. 

On Tuesday she had been crabby with me, on Wednesday she seemed fine, today? I wondered where she was at and why she was asking. 

She apologized for Tuesday as we walked around the nature center. We talked about how things had been and where we were headed individually. She might get a job in forest lake, shes doing better, she is seeing people ans going out to places. She feels better and is ln different meds. She doesn't want to manipulate me, she doesnt want me to feel like im hurting her, but she does want me to reach out only if im ready to talk- to put in effort again. 

I told her im in the same position i was, but realized that wasn't quite true. I recognized she wouldn't move forward if i didn’t tell her to. I told her she needs to think of us as done. She told me she cant be friends. She told me shed come get her stuff with her sisters when they had the change. She told me to take care of her cat for the next few weeks. We said goodbye. 

I had realized that my heart wasnt in it to fight. The lead her on was cruel now that i knew. But I wasnt really wanting to say goodbye. 

I feel the grief as a numbing ache all over. It’s real now. I dont owe her anything and yet. Tower moment. Tumbling down. 

In my dream the other night we broke up and then i was attacked.  Maybe the death of one thing and then the next?

My therapist said what my mom said, take a vacation not a 6 month trip. Make these trips sustainable, do them a few times a year. Start your husiness. 

I had this thought today, maybe if I set a time in the future… if nothing has Changed then in 2 years i take a longer trip?  

I dunno everything seems kind of dull right now. Thats how it felt this morning.  A longing, an ache, a dullness where there was once purpose and connection… even if it wasnt fully sustainable. 

The thing that is bugging me the most is that I knew a long time ago, but didnt listen to my worries or that intuition, denied it again and again in the name of turning into a new me, listening to the loving part as much as I could, the compassionate part, trying to be the best of me.  And then it didn't work.. because I also have needs. When she started implying I wasn't doing enough and that what i had been offering wasn't love (and maybe its true) suddenly i just couldn’t anymore.  I stopped being in love. I dont want to hurt her, i still have plenty of love. I just cant give it away anymore… and it feels super mean of me to say that.

 I gotta figure out how to love and be loved reciprocally. That is a tall order for me. 

Meh

Feeling drained. Felt kind of sick/fatigue earlier so i didnt go to my art class, but then regretted it after i made dinner. Not sure why my typing skills on this thing have been so off. 

Last night E made some comments, set some boundaries. It felt rude, so i barely responded. Then i had drama in my head all night. Tried to go to bed early. Woke up in the middle of the night and couldnt sleep for an hour or so, finally fell back asleep and the cat woke me up. Fell back asleep and had a weird dream that turned into a nightmare. Woke up and couldnt sleep. It was something like 5 or 5:15. 

In the dream there was some sort of party, and E and i were struggling to communicate. She said something flippant and walked out of the house -intent to leave. I followed her, telling her that her comment wasnt true. By the time she was in her car or waiting for the ride or whatever, she was basically acting like a little kid -whining “no.” Over and over. I realized I would never solve it. That i couldnt get through to someone who didnt want to hear me. I gave up. It was sad. But i also felt relief. I walked back into the party and the first older man i saw i said something somewaht flippant but also like cheering him on, it was something like “youre free now.”   Maybe the old man was me? It didnt matter. I turned a corner and the party was no longer present. 

An eery soundtrack started playing as i went through my empty house. I turned another corner and a man yelled in terror- caught off guard. He struck me with a roll of duct tape and I fell backwards to the ground. As i was falling I realized he was taping and amputated leg at the knee. He swung at me again with the tape but couldnt reach me, i noticed he was held back by his other hand which was handcuffed near the ceiling.  He tried to stomp on me with his amputated leg. 

I woke up in terror.  The scene replayed over and over and i began to wonder why he was attacking me. It seemed scary to realize that he thought i was the threat. If the man attacking me was not the threat, then who or what was?  

It was an ok day at work, but i felt likeni was mostly going through the motions. Its felt like that a bit lately.  Grief. 

I keep trying to remind myself to just stay present with the feelings. No need for drama or what ifs. Trust the universe, stay present, experience what is - rather thab urning it into something else.  

The loneliness, the grief, the guilt, the desire for companionship and love—- well they sometimes make me want to fight for the relationship again.   But if after 2.5 years im still on the fence. Dont I owe it to her and me - to say i cant promise you the future we both want?

Ingo back and forth… but if im honest with myself… I want something better.  I might regret it… but a chance at something healthier, lesa imbalanced.

Hard to love someone and let them go. Not the first or last time. 

Hard day

 I dont really have the mind capacity tk journal right now. It’s been a hard day.  E came over to get stuff. She doesnt really want to move on. Its hard to say to someone “were not a good fit” when you love them, have loved them, miss loving them. I can remember so many happy times.  

Yesterday i was considering a year in asia. Today im wondering if I’ll buy a home in roseville and ask her to move in again. 

Life is messy.  

Seeing how much is gone physically, how many tasks are done without her… it’s been a day full of grief. 

Im gonna watch a movie instead of being productive. Im drained. I want to check out.   Better a movie than gummies right?  At least tonight.  

Part 3 I guess

It is Saturday.  A couple weeks into the break up. I am not sure I should be categorizing it that way, but at the same time it feels kind of selfish or to say something like "two weeks free..." or "two weeks into my new life..."   

I vacillate between grief and being present and looking forward. Its the middle of October more or less, and the weather is getting colder, and the clouds are getting cloudier, and the gray of fall/winter is settling in more and more. The dark in the morning, and the dark in the evening... and nature says it's time to hibernate, nestle, cuddle, close off... and I am trying to remind myself to stay expansive, build, renew. I guess I am saying I am out of step with nature and what my body wants to do (sleep under warm blankets). 

Sleep has been difficult. I am exhausted. Sometimes fatigued. I mind is struggling with the thoughtlessness and brain fog of grief even when I am fully caffeinated and rising to meet the day. I forget words. I forget sentences. I was trying to play this trivia game and all my thoughts were on a 5 second delay... "oh yeah, that's what I meant."   I get home tired... I don't really want to do much but sit around... I am trying not to go immediately to the bed, and trying not to stay in bed when I am there, but the apartment feels too big, and what's the point when i could be warm and under covers you know?  That is how energy gets stuck. Its funny to me to recognize how quickly I would revert to the same old patterns. Without this couch, where will I sit?  Without this pillow, what will I rest my back or head upon?

I have spent a shit ton of money, but I know in the long run I will start saving it soon. I was paying for two lives, and now I am paying for one. I am trying to figure out how to cut back on food so as not to waste it... I am so sad/stressed about the inevitable, which is that she will need to dismantle our home... and I'm not sure if I will make a new one of the ashes... 

There are things I want to say, but feel mean saying. 

Things like, I am not really attracted to her anymore. Things like, sometimes I don't miss her. Things like, sometimes it's nice to not have to think or worry about how she is doing, or how she will problem solve her next issue. But what will happen when Simba the cat, or all her stuff is gone and I am left to realize how little I care about? How little drives me, or makes me passionate?  Caring for her has been a primary drive, now what do I do?  I am a little like an empty nester. She is off at college. I think that is one of the metaphors that has made it easier to see this role I am playing... she is like a kid to me. She is like a client. 

I am reading "codependent no more" and realizing that though I am in a better place than I have been at other times... I still fall into this category.  Have I ever dated anyone who I didn't start to try to care take?  N, B, A, J, M, E... throw in friends and long time crushes and it's still true. Which of those people has a chemical addiction? Which of them has a mental health issue? both? Which came from a difficult home environment? Which has a good relationship with all their parents?  Which of them has friends that they get along with and can keep? I really set myself up -dont I?

How do I break that cycle?  

I was journaling earlier and realized I am having a hard time moving forward because I don't really know what I want.  I have so many opportunities, but I am not sure what I really want.  

I know there were things I was excited to do with E, that I started believing would never happen... I wanted to show her Guatemala, she wanted to go to Norway and Alaska and I would have been down. I wanted to take her to concerts and shows. I wanted to have a family. I wanted to have creative spaces for us... I wanted her and I to talk about intellectual things, about spiritual things. I wanted to spend more time in nature, more time taking care of ourselves and our health.

There are things I need to do for myself I think. I need to travel more. I need to meditate. I need to find some form of exercise that feels good -and that I can do consistently. I need more art and music in my life. 

Its funny with things like the Guatemala stuff... why do I want to show her that and not the Czech Republic?  Why is it important to go to a coffee shop at a mall or visit a tourist city surrounded by volcanos but not Venice?   -Is it just the most recent thing?  Is it some part of my life that feels unfinished or unappreciated?  Do I just long to be known in my entirety the same as everyone else?

E never got her passport renewed, despite us talking about traveling for two years. Filled out the paperwork, had the money, never followed through. I think its things like that -that finally made me realize I wasn't being met in my needs or desires. 

And I am not trying to be mean or shame, or judge... I think I am just trying to remind myself of why I need to distance/ to break away... because there are all these little day to day happinesses that made it worthwhile, for the time, and its easy to fall back into that.  I felt my world shrinking more and more... and I didn't see the effort on her part to enlarge it.

That does not mean she didn't add to my life significantly. But I worry how much of the "adding" in my relationships is just -giving me something to worry about outside of my own bullshit. The relief of thinking of someone else instead of experiencing my own distress. And that is not a basis or foundation for a relationship.

I love her though. I want well for her. It pains me to think about things going poorly. But again, me doing for her, does not make her life better. It makes our lives together smaller. 

And now I guess I will go back to my small life... and question how to broaden it again without someone else present... body doubling is a real deal. Easier to clean and organize when someone is coming over. Easier to build when its for someone else?   I dunno, maybe that's just my codependent thinking again.

----

Something I have been really shocked by is how different this feels from my last break up. Maybe its still early. Maybe its because I distanced prior to the break up. Maybe its because I see patterns replaying even more clearly. Maybe I am not allowing myself to feel it all or to become obsessive... but damn... there isn't music except sad songs for this one.  Its not angry. It's not bitter or resentful the way it was with M...  this just feels like -moving on to different paths after our paths collided for awhile. 

More similar to J? 

Break up part 2

 It’s thursday night. E was here till about 20 minutes ago. In my head I sang RENT “just came to say, ‘goodbye love goodbye.” As we hugged before she left. Simba is still here along with most of her stuff. “It feels awkward.” She said, as she prepared to pack… and I couldn’t help but remember past goodbyes with other loves.  

I made dinner, neither of us could eat much. We talked about the past month and beyond, the accumulated hurts and misunderstandings. In many ways the repair we’d been trying to have for a long time. We both know each other too well, and yet had been full of assumptions and bad intent, and defensiveness and resentment - so nothing was getting through for weeks.  

We got through it… but then what?  I asked her if she had been thinking at all about her stuff, (she had already confirmed she wouldn’t be moving back in due to the environment being triggering).  She said she hadn’t.

I could tell she hadn’t really been planning much in regards to where she would live, waiting to see what would happen between us, even if she didn’t want to live here anymore…. 

We talked again after she packed. I told her the reason I wanted to stay broken up - is that I didn’t trust that we wouldn’t fall right back into the same patterns, me caretaking, her feeling that I was judging her. 

She said she would be willing to fight through the fear. I said that hadn’t been her recent behavior and that it was hard to trust things would change just because she said they would.

 She said my doubts leave her uncertain, too much fog, and it would be preferable to just say it.  

I said I didn’t trust yet, that I needed time to change. That I needed her to take the time to show me the changes. She said that felt like me doubting her again, and I said -see that’s what I’m afraid will happen.

She asked. I said it’s better that we are broken up for now. 

I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hurt her. But I look back at the last two years and don’t see the evidence for the changes I need to feel secure in an equal partnership.

Maybe I never will. Maybe I’ll be alone forever because I can’t trust people… but it felt like she was saying just trust me again… and I was honest that I couldn’t. 

How is it different from past relationships? 

Maybe because it was basically care taking from the beginning… maybe because I never had that much distance from her. Maybe I love E’s heart sooo much that I downplayed so many of the other things that continued to bother me. 

I don’t know how to have a healthier embrace… but I feel like I put the effort in… and as much as I love her as a person, I’m no longer in love. Maybe that could come back if she gave me the time. But she’s probably right, it would just drag it out more. 

I was looking at her tonight, almost like she was a new person. She’s lost weight. She looked fierce but not the defensive -irritable fierce I’ve seen lately. More like a warrior. It was cool. But also I wasn’t drawn in. 

I’m sad that I can’t be enough for her, and she enough for me… or I guess that we aren’t matched well.  But despite the chaos and ups and downs, I also feel like it’s been a really lovely companionship until recently. 

Maybe I’m wrong… maybe I should double down on heart… but I don’t have it in me.  I’m an old curmudgeon.

I love her, I want her to go experience the world and claim her spot in it again.  But at least for now…I can’t be by her side when she does it. 

I call on all the angels and guides and what not to bring me a match  when yall think I’m ready. 

Break ups

E and I just broke up. Im not sure how I am, or what it means, but Ive  been feeling very guarded for weeks, and shes been saying she doesn't feel safe at home (when Im not here), and the vibe has been very off. Ive gotten defensive and reactive - felt like she was implying I wasn't  doing enough despite the fact that on and off throughout our relationship I was doing more than my share. 

 I wrote her a long email today saying it felt like I needed space to figure out how not to be a caretaker, how not to be codependent. She asked why she should trust me to take her to her doctors appointments next week. I said if she doesn't trust me after all I've done, then whats the point. I was hurt. She said I was acting out of obligation not love, and maybe she was right. 

Maybe I dont know how to love people or be loved. 

She said I tried to show her I loved her in ways she didn’t perceive as love… and Im sick of trying to prove my worth, my love. I felt the same to her. Felt like id asked for all the ways for her to show up for me, she didnt act on them. So it wasnt a good fit. But i still love her… and yet, shes right, im not in love with her right now. I want to stay in her life, but im not loving towards her. And shes not towards me. I always told her she could push me away, and  it felt like she was trying to on the phone, she had decided I would be the bad guy. So I just said fine. Im done. 

It was dumb. The whole thing is dumb.   

Now what?

I dont have a car. She has all of her stuff intermingled with mine, it’s basically a divorce. We live together, but she isnt comfortable here. 

I’ll miss her family. She’ll miss mine. I’ll have to figure out how to not become a total hermit or run away to india.

Will I move? Will I quit my job? Will i start that business or not?

For over two years, I had this idea that if I ever died at least E would be able to pay off her debt. At least she’d be ok.

For the last few years, she has been my hope that the future was ok, that even though it would be hard, id have someone to do it with. But it felt more and more like i was carrying the weight and then being blamed for it. 

I want a partnership.  She sent this song to me today that was rather lovely and talked about doing things together, taking turns with the hard times… but if one person always has hard stuff, how does the other get their turn?

Sept trepidation?

I woke up crabby, or rather defensive. It’s only gotten worse as the day goes on. I feel like I’m running out of time and there is so much to do. Spanish lessons. A walk. Website building. Business tasks.  It’s a three day weekend, and so far I’ve gotten to see a friend and watch tv and  movies, but I haven’t been productive. 

Maybe I need to go to the office to get my to do list. Maybe I should be out scoping out new office spaces. 

Are there bills to pay, and mail to send, and texts to get back to? Yes, yes, yes.  I need to go get qualified for a  mortgage. I need to buy a car. I need to follow up with the stuff from the business consultation, maybe I need someone to find me an office.

There is the website and the psych today stuff to attend to. 

There is making lunch and dinner. There are dishes and laundry and garbage and recycling. 

What can I let go of? What can be not my problem to solve…

The problem is that I am feeling defensive of my time and energy and money. The problem is that I feel somewhat resentful today.  

That I was woken up by a comment about needing a bigger bed because I take up too much space, when actually I was only taking up my half, and actually I would be responsible for buying that bed… so it felt like a jab from the beginning. The problem was the cat woke me up  several times prior to that, or for several hours prior to that and I was trying my best not to give in, but his constant whining made it impossible to sleep. 

The problem is I felt alone in these things, and the tasks at hand, and responsible for all of it. For making sure our lives together are reasonably good because I am providing, I am responsible. 

And it is my life, so I am responsible, but it felt bad to be criticized when I was already trying my best.  It felt bad that the solutions offered require more of me, rather than adjustment on her part. That I felt I needed to do more and more and more, when I am already feeling at capacity and trying to figure out how to balance life again. 

We met Pete and his family for dinner the other night and I quickly ran out of stuff to talk about. I have very little to share that isn’t a work thing, or an obligation, or a responsibility that requires someone else’s input. 

How can a summer go by without a story? 

The story is that we were dealing with Es health. And that is her story to share, hopefully something she is recovering from, but free time was taken up. 

Now she is feeling better physically (much of the time) but not necessarily mentally and emotionally. Life is scary. The outside world isnt inviting or magical. 

And I understand that, I am routinely stressed regarding social interactions and new experiences… I am trying to remind myself it’s ok to be out in the world. To take up space and to see the space.

 It’s hard to be in conflicted positions, different lenses of the world, not sure where to reconcile. The world is scary and…

Pete watches his kids as they wander about the park full of strangers. And the kids are fine, almost out of sight, but fine. 

My urge is to be protective to jump in, to guide, but they don’t need that. Don’t need someone trailing them. They are figuring it out on their own, learning to regulate, to trust themselves. I’m so used to being attentive and so expected to, that when I slip for a minute or a day, I feel as if I’ve let everyone down. 

Started to see all my relationships aa needing me to be responsive all the time, rather than just showing up as I am. And most of the time, I am ok.  I’m fine. 

But it’s hard to build a future when the present feels scary or overwhelming, or already at capacity. 

How do we create more of that trust, that chill, that enjoyment of what is, rather than being frightful? Abundance not scarcity. 

There have been gray days in the last few weeks, or evenings when the storms blocked the sunlight, and I felt sad. Worried about winter. Wanted to shutdown and go to bed. Hard not to judge.

The business timeline might be more like January.  Could I take December off? Mexico City? DC museums? Holidays and creating an office space?

What does it look like to be settled in, rather than rushed? To have a place that isn’t in transition, but is ready? 

Handouts and transition paperwork and all…

I dunno. It’s all new.

Victoria recommended an art class, Wednesdays for fall. 

I’m hoping it’s a positive reinvigorating experience. 

Chrysalis

 It’s very difficult for me to figure out what I need to say or express right now. I feel like I’m dissolved in the chrysalis and don’t quite know my new bones or wings or whatnot.   

Part of this has been sparked by grief and loss, part of it by ongoing change without resolution, part of it by roles I’ve played and continue to play, part of it by recognition that perhaps I’m not getting my needs met in a variety of ways.  

A few days ago, I was telling my therapist that I felt little. Felt lost and confused, and was afraid of asking for help, and afraid of what would be asked of me. It felt especially weird because my adult self knows better, I can rationalize and understand easily… but it does not feel aligned to my feelings… and my feelings are scary because if I listen to them, does it require me to make changes? Does it demand more? Would I even know what to do with it…

The onset was death in one case, and in other cases something I should be looking forward to, but don’t feel at capacity to take in fully- don’t  know how to make the most of (friends in town). 

Brad died of cancer.  I am not sure how well I knew Brad, but for awhile we shared the same goals and mission. Later, between V and M I started wondering if perhaps Brad wasn’t someone all that trustworthy, or rather, I guess I just knew that he was flawed like us all. Not someone to look up to or make a mentor.  But that isn’t a bad thing, I can honor his life and his commitment to things that I cared about. I can thank him for the advice and role he played in my life. I can be especially grateful for the positive impact he had on the kids we both cared about.  I can feel sad for his family, and for the loss of someone in our community who was dedicated to trying. 

But I guess it isn’t the grief of his loss that has been bugging me, but the recognition of grief on a larger scale. Of the 10 years of changes since I was a teacher. Of the ten years of lacking a community to fall back on or be a part of. Comradery as my dad put it, and how that has changed so much over the years.  How about the ten years of moving forward without necessarily reconnecting or integrating the past? How about ten years of therapy that has allowed me to revisit things I once held high as my accomplishments and adventures, and added the recognition of their costs back into the equation. Being asked too much, for too long, and holding holding holding it all.  And not that it was bad, or it was anyone else’s fault, not the blame game, but simply a more elaborate picture.   And of course I do not have their voices and perspectives to offset my own, so it is simply a feeling of being alone -and then worrying that I’ll be asked back into the role of my 25 year old self… because I’ve not been present to demonstrate my growth. Or something along those lines. 

I work with a lot of older folks who are full of regrets and complaints, and I often think to myself, “take this as a lesson” but to which part of me, which voice do I give the microphone?  Am I happy? Yes, am I sad? Yes, I am both happy and sad.  As Ram Dass says.

And in that I can recognize a larger truth, that I don’t have to be terrified, that I can be curious, that I can allow what is -to be what it is.  But I also want to honor fully these experiences, and one of those experiences is that anxiety and fear that I will be relied on too heavily. That I will feel like I have to downplay my own stuff, so as to make room for someone else’s stuff.  Middle child in the back seat stuff.   

And it’s hard not to overplay or be dramatic in that. I found myself last night feeling ill. I felt like I had a fever, like I couldn’t thibk clearly, like I was achy.  I told E this, took a Covid test and complained about how hot it was. I was clearly out of it. She kept stopping and asking “are you ok?” And I was like… why are you asking?  

No im not ok, but there is nothing you can do about it. So let me be not ok. Don’t make it about you. Don’t make it feel like I have to be ok so I can assure you. I’m not ok. I don’t have health or energy for you, don’t ask. But of course I said none of this, except asking her why she kept asking… 

And that’s what it feels like.  I don’t ask for other people to help. But I also don’t trust that they will. I assume asking will only make it harder.   

For a while, my old coworkers were a team. We had a shared goal, and everyone stepped up. And that was what it was. I was the youngest and to some extent I thought that this was the way it was supposed to be. And then slowly, the dawning recognition came in, that it wasn’t sustainable… and then more and more recognition came through. It was amazing, and asked too much. And I didn’t have the boundaries or abilities to recognize that. I empowered myself and others, and also was not fully present for myself. And that sucks. 

In hindsight, I believe I recognize that they knew that before I did(about themselves).  

I find looking back that no matter how old I am, or How much I’ve grown, I am astounded by my own naïveté, over and over I get my hopes up, or believe something passionately, or whatever.. and then I am disappointed or exhausted by it.   So it’s hard to muster up the energy to see the people I love… have loved… knowing I will be disappointed or confused, or feel out of control due to my emotions or theirs. 

I watched a willem dafoe interview where he said, sometimes you have to try to fail.  This is advice I give to clients who are perfectionists, and it helped me to consider that I am wanting to be perfect and in control at these events. Want to manage my image, protect my heart and the small spot in their hearts that they have held for me. Hustlin for my worth as E would put it.  

Perhaps I should try to fail,  be as awkward as possible, be standoffish or rude, or numb.  Show up more fully and flagrantly fucked up. Take the risk to be a mess. 

I guess I need to give myself permission to be. My adult self can say that, but maybe not from a place of wise mind, not integrated yet. 

Maybe I haven’t been processing my grief and letting go, maybe I’ve just been running away for 20 years.  

It’s hard to be human. This is the curriculum. Gotta learn to trust it. Open to it. Embrace it in all its forms.  Let it be what it is.  Let the universe shape me into what I am, rather than trying to keep my preferences.  I dunno.  I dunno. I am a baby in the grand scheme of things. Maybe I need to be held.

August

 

It’s a Sunday night. I don’t really have much mental capacity, but Ive felt like I should be journaling all weekend.  I’m watching a tarot video and she says I’ll get back in touch with some old attachment I haven’t had space for in a long time… that I will allow it to unfold. 

The week has been particularly stressful. My company was basically purchased by an insurance company and ever since all the promises they have made have been upended and with a positive spin (a little two faced toxicity). So this week it was a new electronic health record… and very little preparation or forethought.     Mid week, I had to realize, that my job is about being with the clients, not stressing about paperwork.. and that made it easier. But I was stressed and somewhat furious all week. 

But on the positive side it will push me from the nest, get me away from this insurance company BS, and get me started with my own bs whatever that will be. I’m doing research and trying to figure out what private practice looks like. I want to leave, even have urges to leave randomly, but I want to get out ethically and potentially bring all my clients with me. 

The woman in the tarot video says emotions will come, especially nostalgia, and that I should keep feeling through it,  because it’s happening for me not to me. A reawakening. Some sort of truth I’m ready to integrate into my being. 

On Friday night I had a dream in which I came upon a table of old friends who were all hanging out, without me.  This has been something I’ve been thinking about lately a lot. About all these friendships I’ve let go. But in the dream, I went to each of them individually and tried to reestablish that I loved them, but that my limited amount of energy kept me from being in relationship, but that it wasn’t a matter of caring… whatever that means.  I woke up thinking of all these loved ones who I used to spend hours and hours and hours thinking about. How many loved ones have I allowed to pass through my life?

I spent much of Saturday thinking nostalgically, but also with that familiar anxiety that something bad was gonna happen. Later I got a text that one of my old coworkers died. I’d been told he was in hospice a few weeks ago, and that and other things had been bringing up all these nostalgic feelings. I dont know that my dread was related. But one of the people I talked to in the dream was the one that broke the news. 

Not to be weird but I do miss that side of me… the one that feels connected to the spirit and the universe and what not.  Able to tap the thread of the comings and goings. 

I feel grief lately for a lot of things and people. Parts of myself or my old life that I don’t quite want back, but do appreciate still. 

Last night I went to see the new Deadpool movie by myself. A late night movie in Minneapolis, a solo adventure.  So me.   I drove back through the city reminded of bars and restaurants and neighborhoods and coffee shops I once frequented, or special occasions with friends.  Again, I didn’t quite want it. But appreciated it.  I wanted to get home to E. I wouldn’t choose a night in a bar over a night with her, or even being in the same apartment in separate rooms… but I do miss all those past me’s sometimes.  

She has a chronic condition, an invisible disability, and we are making a life together. Easy in these cases to allow your world to shrink. How to make it big again? Or do I even care?

I’ve spent the last few months dreaming of world travel… so I must care… or be needing a break. She pointed out I usually travel in between major life events. Time to reflect and process… 

Friends are coming into town this month, and I’m worried I won’t have the capacity to meet them with enthusiasm. 

I’m 40 years old. I feel like I’ve lived lifetimes already.   

I want the future to be directed by hope and optimism rather than fear.  Abundance, openness, freedom. I waver though, I’m not sure I believe myself to have the capacity. 

I enjoy sitting around and avoiding all the meaning making… when you do it for a living, it get exhausting sometimes. 

Am I ready to give up the old parts of myself? The cds and book collections? Should I move away and start anew?   Should I go on a walkabout before I try to shoulder the rest of my life?

I dunno. 

Like I said, mentally I’m prettt dull tonight. 

End of may

 It’s near midnight, I took a nap earlier and now my mind is active. This weekend has been a continuation of a stress filled life and I find myself fantasizing of travel and escape. It’s not that anything is on fire, it’s that everything feels very stuck or in decline, like the world is shrinking, or as I was reading earlier she and by some extension we, are just experiencing survival mode.   

I’ve never really been on pure survival other than when I have put myself there. I’ve been in minimizing and freezing temporarily, I’ve been in short term depression, I’ve been in anxiety that causes stuck- but not actual survival mode - it is alien and not fun. It makes me tight, cold, crabby and resentful. Makes me judgy. 

It makes me realize how privileged my life has been. That I’ve faced difficulties but never prolonged. Never week after week.  In many ways I’ve faced more of this with E than I ever have in my life, at first with the pregnancy, and now this, and it makes me both grateful for my life and also causes me to question. 

I took Friday off with the intention of relaxing of having time to just enjoy myself. We went to cannon falls to get labs done, and I got Dairy Queen on the way home and played computer games till 4 am. 

I woke up crabby on Saturday and didn’t go buy a car like I had planned to this weekend. It’s not a need, it’s a want, and in some ways feels like a big purchase that doesn’t matter right now. E is barely driving and encourages me to take her car so she has no reason to leave the house. On Saturday I went for a walk and ended up getting my tarot read in uptown with a backing track of 90s grunge (Hole), the first card pulled was “death” - death to the old and renewal… card after card of swords followed, calling on me to use my intellect and persevere through a difficult time, an entrapment of sort, then the Queen of hearts (embracing in confidence of emotions), then a new layout of a brighter future.   - and the guidance id asked for basically said the thing I already know.  

This is a time of fear. Scarcity. Doubt. Difficulty.  And after will come brighter days, but do I work through the trap, or pull out of it? 

I returned home in a better mood, with sage and palo santo and a “healing” candle. We went grocery shopping. The day became muddled into nothing, I’m  pretty sure I went to bed early. 

Sunday morning I went and got a massage, or rather a beating on the form of a massage at the mall. The mess of knots in my back, now feel like bruises. By 3 we decided to go down to Rochester with the hopes of speeding up the referral process.  We spent approximately 3-4 hours in the ER, which was well run and nice but still was an emergency room, to find out there was nothing worse going on (from what they could tell) and that they could try to speed up the referral… they could not determine whether current symptoms were caused by the medicines or the condition. And didn’t want to hazard a guess… round trip it was 7 hours to shave off a few months on a waiting list… but without any new answers or guidance. 

Today she was in a better mood for the most part, but didn’t want to overwhelm herself by going to a movie with her mom and niece. We went for a walk, and it started raining. The weather report had said drizzle and within minutes of getting back to the house it was a brutal thunderstorm and total downpour. 

The news had many stories of major weather events causing great damage. The world is changing and I’m fantasizing about going some place that will be too hot for me. 

I find myself not wanting to be around people, feeling that caretaker burnout to some extent. It’s not as bad as I’m making it sound but I don’t feel like my partner can be a partner consistently right now, and that’s difficult. I guess I wasn’t expecting it at this time in my life.   

It’s funny though, because I look back and see this in all of my relationships (limited as they may be) and it makes me wonder if it’s me. Maybe I’m the common thread, some mix of being too accommodating and also too judgmental? I don’t know. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about karma and soul contracts, maybe because it’s easier than saying I’m privileged and that gets me places… but nonetheless, I’ve been wondering why it is that things happen to/for us, and why we A) find ourselves in the same patterns and B) Put up with it.  

A client recently told me that he didn’t trust himself not to fall into the same bad habits/patterns agai despite making some significant changes to his life, and I told him that I thought it was really confusing to me that he would continue to believe that about himself despite making changes… and he was just kind of blunt about it being more honest with himself… and I kind of wonder if that’s maybe what I am doing ‘wrong’ in life, gaslighting myself into believing that there is more hope or light or positivity than I am actually seeing. 

I am fantasizing right now of running away, of taking a bag and flying to India, Nepal, Bangladesh,  south east Asia, maybe make my way down to Australia, take a year or 5, give up on having a family or a business, just go be somewhere… 

The last time I went somewhere I was frustrated by the lack of connection, of companionship, I just wanted to be home with E, or wanted her traveling with me.  

I still want that. But I can’t imagine going to Mexico City, or India or whatever with her, and right now it is totally out of the question. 

I can spend my life wondering, dreaming etc, or I can do it. I can spend my life worrying or be present. I can spend my life brainstorming solutions or caretaking or, allow people to make their own decisions experience their own consequences… I just don’t know how to do all of it. 

Ram Dass always explains that he was told “ you’re in a school, why not try to take the curriculum?” And I find myself kind of wondering if I am desperate to not take the curriculum which includes suffering and fear and hurt and loss… and maybe I’m experiencing them through others at this point because I have avoided my own hurts. 

I don’t know. Maybe I need to invest in my own wellbeing more, take a yoga class, go see a psychiatrist or a healer, get beat up by a massage therapist more often. 

It’s hard to plan for a future when you’re in uncertainty. Hard to find hope when there aren’t clear answers or direction. 

I find myself with brain fog too. I find myself irritable too. 

I was listening to the girls podcast (we can do hard things) and Glennon said that when Esther Perel was on she said “in every relationship there is one person who is desperate to not lose the other, and one person desperate to not lose themselves” or something to that extent.  Made me wonder… 

I think I find myself struggling to feel hopeful for a future, but it makes me feel like I’m avoiding things when I start to plan for one. Like I could start a business, plan a trip, buy a house or a car…but I don’t feel I have the resources or stability or backing to stay motivated or follow through. My foundations feel unclear at times… I guess.  

Which is why it’s easy to picture myself with a bag and some shoes and just walking away.   Even if that feels super sad, super selfish, - it’s like my version of suicide. 

I’m not actually gonna do this, but I am wondering what I am gonna do next… I guess. If things stay the same? If they change? If I make them change or if I am the responder to changes outside of my control… I guess  that is what I am thinking about. 

Reframes

 When we try to picture the future it is too vast, so look one step ahead.  If you are lost in the woods and cannot find a way through, can you find the next step? Let that be your hope, your guide, see the clear path in front of you, not the vast wilderness, or in other terms look for the snowy path, and not the trees when skiing, look at the open road in front of you and not just the cars and other obstacles to flow forward. 

Paradoxical intention, find the humorous exposure for the  fear,  make your worst dreams true, make it a joke, find the clown in it, take on that fool energy. If you are afraid of choosing wrong, choose the wrongest, if you are afraid of making something ugly, make it the ugliest, find the delight in your fears, the way forward through your terror  is to embrace each step with intention and a smile… I am afraid of embarrassment, of rejection of abandonment, of being trapped, and of course the dark, what to choose first? Find my purpose in choosing wrong, let it be a lesson.   WOW what a gift to be shown my fears and attachments aren’t real… just a thought, an ego attachment to something that isn’t. What is this new thing I can embrace with curiosity rather than judgment… oh and let go. I am bad at… yes and? 

Be the baddest, all the better for learning and growing behind the limitations you’ve imposed… 

Come back to this, fantasize about the worst possible scenario and enjoy it. Enjoy the intention of the fool, of the backwards clown… laugh laugh laugh 

March

 It’s been the warmest winter on record, barely a few days of snow and if I had to guess none that lasted more than a week.   It’s 69 degrees in Minneapolis right now. I am sure this means drought this summer, and though we will probably all be fine, I am sure that means famine across the globe. It’s staring us in the face, but I am drinking Keurig coffee and about to fly to Arizona in a week, where it is also 69 degrees today. Odd. 

Yesterday I went for a long walk with Rachel and both my feet still hurt. Not sure if it’s the padding in my shoes or something else, but it feels awful. Kept me up last night. Eventually I took Advil and used biofreeze. Maybe this is the beginning of the decay from the bottom up? 

Medical issues have not been surrounding me, though I do have a weird cough and difficulty swallowing some times. (Decay from the top down).   E on the other hand has had a resurgence of her eye condition.  Hopefully it gets better now that she is on meds. The whole ordeal has been terrible. Also she is going down on Effexor each month and the withdrawal is noticeable, perhaps just the underlying trauma/anxiety finally coming out.  Work has been hard for her - more burnout at a job. 

We are going to Arizona to see here dad and grandparents. Not sure what the plan is really, but we will talk about it later. I’m sure there will be a lot of just hanging out, but I also hope to explore if my feet aren’t killing me. I’m not a big drinker.  E wants to talk with her dad about things. Could be a great time, could be very hard. Either way, I am glad we are going. Hopefully nothing medical happens. (Knock on wood, and cross fingers). 

My company is being bought out by a major healthcare/insurance company. I’m not a fan of the arrangement, but at the same time maybe it will mean better benefits and what not. Or a push into private practice… I will be done supervising in May. I am glad to get back to the more simple task of dealing with clients only.  It’s not where I want to put my energy right now. Holding the weight of it… is definitely not how I want to spend my time. Kind of like being the testing coordinator at my teaching job. Yuckers. 

Work has been good for the most part. Finally slowing down after a quarter or two of pushing myself and being above quota every week. Now I’m around where it’s supposed to be, and I have time during the day to be present or rest, or get paperwork done so I’m not spending every night doing it. The idea of private practice sounds nice if someone else did all the legwork. 

Spirit and heart.

Lately I’ve been struggling with uncertainty at times. I feel like it comes on as nervousness and stays on as a lingering doubt. Mostly this just has to do with the future, but even in the present it might disrupt my confidence in doing work, or attending to tasks.  It’s weird.  It’s sort of the ‘do I know what I’m doing?’ Thought. I’d prefer to fall back into trust in G-d or the universe, to have that constant faith and belief that things will be ok… but I don’t have it all the time. Sometimes when it is absent, it’s because I’m avoiding or distracting… too much time on Instagram or playing games. Sometimes it’s because I feel overwhelmed, or a lack of energy… for instance I need to buy a car. But it is a lot easier to just walk to work and figure it out as I go. One time I’ve had to pay for an Uber, but mostly I rely on rides from E, or borrowing her car. $30 for one Uber, versus insurance and gas for the last 3 months… plus it forces me to exercise a little. 

But the real thing is, when would I have time to buy a car? Am I ready for the paperwork and the right questions?  I gotta put myself into that spot. And I have had other priorities.  I think I’m gonna make a goal of buying one by the end of the month… so April I will have a car again. Maybe. Not having a car also makes it easier to avoid other tasks like getting my passport renewed and what not. 

I get done what is easy to get done, and I like a simple life.  

A few weeks ago I was having all these dreams about my exes. It was odd. I felt just as much love for them as I had in years past. I felt my heart on the line in all these strange ways… but the majority of the time, I don’t feel that way in my waking life. I have love for them, and pray for them, but I don’t necessarily miss them or long for them, or want to integrate them into my life like I did years ago. Time has passed and though I know I care for people deeply and continue to think about them, I am mostly content, satisfied, ok with time and distance.  So it was odd to have these dreams, accessing places in my heart I’ve not felt in a while. It made me curious about what they are up to. Made me wonder briefly if some like transformation would occur. 

How strange time is… how little we can predict… how momentum carries us. Rachel asked me about where I see myself on 10 years, at 50…  if I have kids, I’ll be a crabby exhausted old man… but happier for it - presumably.  If I don’t,  travel? A private business? Teaching?  I don’t know. 

But will be regretful… I don’t think so. Will I be resentful of others… I don’t think so. Will I be grateful for the opportunities and the challenges and the beauty of it all… I am pretty sure I will be.  I am now. I may not always be in the present moment, or inspired and awed… but on the whole, I feel optimistic that life will be ups and downs… and that I can enjoy and find gratitude and even peace in it. 

The other day a client mentioned the grief of a dead cat.  It made me so aware of the losses and the moments that felt unbearable and the fact that I have… will continue to do so. That this too shall pass… and flow on.    Love and loss, and love and loss… and I feel very honored to be a part of people’s journeys for the time the universe thrusts us together. And also very aware that I have little control over the turns when they come. Just that I can find a way to cope… to trust… to be open to the experience and learn, and grow.     I guess that’s what I wanted to say.   And also that I love you. 

Aging

 I turned 40 today. My family celebrated yesterday, and it was ok. I opened presents while the majority of the attention was on the niece and nephews. It was good. We ate icecream cake and take out Benihana. It was good. 

This morning E ordered me back into bed so she could bring me breakfast. A tradition in her family. We talked about how it’s actually a lot of pressure and kind of odd, and she said it’s even worse when there are more people around and you’re the only one eating… but she likes the tradition.  She’s been giving me small presents all week. I put together  1000 piece puzzle she gave me over the last few days of Covid. Took forever, but it was good. The majority of the presents aren’t meaningful, but fun or functional, or candy. I appreciate the gift cards in the day to day. I added 300 hundred to our envelopes for travel and “health” which basically just means “beauty” treatments. 

I made this joke about turning 40 and thus being in the decline, a few minutes later I had the suspicion it was true. A weird heavy lingering. Many times I’ve thought I was dying, or became afraid of dying, or was sad because I knew it was an inevitability of us all… but this felt slightly different. More just an acknowledgement that life likely won’t get easier or better in the ways I’d always imagined… not just a slope upwards, a reaching, though of course there plenty of amazing possibilities to come… but likely along side all of them will be some measure of heartache or loss, or heaviness… and maybe it’s always been that way and I was privileged to not know… or maybe I’ve always held both and just chose to see the good (while simultaneously dealing with the difficulties).  - I think about when I first was rejected from teacher training by Morris, and initially I was just devastated, but within a few days I was planning on attending UMNs master program, and then Morris invited me back. And when I went back I tried extra hard because I knew it was something that mattered to me. And graduated, if you can call it that, in the top of the class. 

But there are a million things I am always scared of and preparing for, and weighing out, so I can’t very well say I haven’t experienced the negatives before… maybe just that the majority haven’t panned out… whereas in the next 40 (if I am blessed to live that long) I will surely start facing those consequences for real? 

I am staring to have a bald patch in the back do my head… it doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. I almost see it as a badge of my age.  James has a white beard for the most part… when did my uncles hair turn? When did they lose it?   I suppose my cousin lost his hair in his twenties so losing it at 40 seems like a long thing.   I asked James if he has advice, he basically said, you’re gonna wanna play with your kids on the floor, and it will hurt. Use a pillow, but also get into shape now cuz it’s harder later.  Great advice. 

I found myself over the last week or so wrestling with wanting to return to work. I really enjoy my job and it gives me a sense of purpose and a drive to do it well.  It was painful to sit around and be unproductive and not giving… E called me out a lot on my inability to just sit with myself or rest or take care of me… I feel like I do that frequently. But she is also right that I am over board on work.  I have no balance.  I have no puzzle to just sit and stare at for 7 hours, instead I am always twisted with the 500 things on my list.  It will never get done.  But I did get the puzzle done.

I feel bad for not wanting to connect with people… but I am mostly content in my life. I feel good about stuff… and just a touch “behind.”

14

 The significance of any of the title is how many digital dots in the time at this moment. 

I’m getting over Covid. It’s my first official time having it. It wasn’t pleasant but it was more funny than hard, so far at least. Today was the first day I felt mostly better. Yesterday I learned that you aren’t supposed to take thraflu and DayQuil in the same day.  

E is sick now. For the second time in two weeks she is out of commission. Last week it was a stomach flu. 

Today I felt a lot better, got a lot of the house chores done, but still feel behind, especially with work and long term tasks. E is wondering why I can’t sit still and why the moment I feel better I want to get back to work. I feel like I’m two weeks behind major things, even if most of them are very minor… I feel like I can’t waste a day, and she is wondering why a day not working is wasted? And I wonder if she is right, though I also am frustrated that we are falling behind by the day week month… and it’s not because I’m not working hard. 

They told me they’ll give me 10k for my car even though it is destroyed. Which is pretty good considering. Will still take a week to work through the paperwork, probably longer to get a check… but at least that is a concrete thing.   

New car? New payment plan? I dunno yet.  I think about how many older folks are losing their ability to drive and wondering if I can have their car… 

The first few days of Covid I laughed, I laughed at how ridiculous it felt, sudden aches and temp changes, a cough but one that came on so rapidly I could barely turn my head let alone raise a dulled arm to quash it. I laughed at how things seemed so difficult all of a sudden. How there was a barrier to my brain. I enjoyed the first few days… it was the weekend and I had no responsibilities. Then came the week and suddenly I was responsible not only for my own clients, the paperwork and what not, but also of my supervisees. 

I’ve already decided I don’t want to continue being a supervisor. I don’t actually like it. It means less control yet more oversight, guiding without enough teaching… I don’t like the set up of it, at least the way it is for me this year. If I had the time, maybe I’d develop a curriculum but I don’t have the time, and I definitely don’t have the energy, and I’m not likely to know where a student comes in or what they need until it’s already halfway through the year. If I were to do it, I’d want to do it full time. And that is not what I had in mind at this time. 

In my third day of Covid, which was really my fourth-  but the first day was masked by DayQuil, I found myself sad, frustrated, crabby. E was starting to get sick by this time and had to take time off work again.  I hadn’t been sleeping well, except in an upright position on the couch. I was bored of doing nothing, but couldn’t muster the strength or thought to do anything productive. I was scraping by, and knew it. And I was against anyone or anything that would further pull from my scarcity or energy. I felt acted upon, rather than the actor. Where was the laughter of yesterday? Why am I feeling so heavy with burden? 

Though last night the fog cleared somewhat and remained more open today. Not enough to work, not enough to go back to work… I’m not even sure about Thursday at this point. I need to catch up with last week when I was clearly getting sick but didn’t realize it. And also I suppose taking care of E while she was sick. 

I keep thinking I’ll have more time to catch up this weekend, but potentially celebrating my 40th… or not, maybe a drizzle fizzle sputter out - don’t want anyone getting sick. 

The thing that launched out at me this morning was that I feel I must act with integrity. Don’t cancel on others or leave them hanging when you are still capable. You know?  There is a job to do and people to attend to, and it is good meaningful work, even if it is fake. Many of my clients have been with me for over a year at this point, which is crazy. Some I’m sure will stay as long as they can afford it. Maybe they are getting someone who believes in them. Or maybe just like to be listened to.. or maybe some get help with their problems. Some don’t, but they come back anyway… and I don’t know why. 

I think about that a lot lately.  The limits of therapy. I know I could be doing more breath work, more somatic work, more coping skills and psycho education … but it lands with some and not others. It’s like telling someone to journal… they will or they won’t.  I know that most would benefit from a change in diet, or more exercise, a larger support network, an empowering hobby… and I would benefit from all the same… but do we follow through? Not until we are ready. There isn’t a key to turn or a button to push or a magic wand… 

With my supervisees sometimes I sense that they are looking for that *key fix… I still look for it too. But I remind them of the things wiser and more patient people than I told me earlier on. Don’t follow the sense of urgency.    I still get caught in it.  

In the pre Covid state and throughout, we watched a lot of port protection Alaska show on Disney… we nicknamed it “not today buddy” because in almost every episode you watch those folks who are basically subsistence on the verge of the wilderness survivalist folks try to get food, or wood, or some other essential and then suddenly there is a storm, or no animals around, or something breaks. And eventually, despite their years of skills and experience they tell the camera person, I guess it ain’t happening today. But despite their disappointment, they maintain this positive vibe (at least for the show-behind the scenes who knows). 

E asks me how will I be present for kids, or life if I am always dedicated to work… it’s a good question. We both are frustrated by how often we are watching tv and scrolling on phones and not connected or present. Both have talked about how do we make more time for loved ones, while simultaneously frustrated with ourselves that we are not holding healthy boundaries, or not engaging in the way we would like to in our positive relationships.  

I often think about how many nights I would spend watching YouTube a few years ago… or movies when I was a teen, or all the lonely disconnected times I’ve already experienced and this feels better than that on any night… but it is the tv watching American life.

Made a little different because we don’t have kids yet. 

But not that different from anywhere and everywhere else. How do humans spend their time when they are bored?

I don’t drink or smoke, or take drugs very often… and this is another factor. 

I think about all the places I’ve been around the world and here, and I don’t necessarily see us doing anything different. But is it unfulfilling? Sometimes

She wonders about getting away to the country, I think it’s a nice dream, this simple life, back to nature, less technology idea, but I am not sure it would actually change anything unless you were super intentional. And super intentional is not easy, it takes a lot of energy and creativity and motivation and drive - to keep it feeling meaningful and not just a self imposed rule or restriction. 

My curiosity at this point in my life isn’t driven toward learning how to farm or create and maintain buildings. I have a vast love of learning, but I don’t find it meaningful right now… I find my work meaningful right now. 

Jan 1st

 It’s the end of the break, and the beginning of the new year. Sort of an artificial thing, but doesn’t keep us from reflection right? Maybe, makes it easier. 

Today was a weird hard day for no reason. 

I went to bed last night thinking I should probably erase some of my social media and games and what not, so that I could live a more present oriented  life. 

I had downloaded one of those super addicting games and spent a lot of time on it last night. The little drops of my attention getting sucked into the vacuum of this completely make believe - totally insubstantial thing. It gives hits of pleasure, enough that I considered making purchases so I wouldn’t have to wait for the little timers…

I’m sure we have all played these types of games. There are little mini games to play in between the larger theme, and sometimes you can’t remember which game you are actually intending to play. 

It’s a different sort of time waste than other things, with Tetris I know I’m organizing my mind. With word games I know I am utilizing my mind, with the computer games I am learning and thinking about history and what not… but with this artificial town, and its artificial economy, and its artificial timers and rewards… I’m just sucked into a nothingness… I suppose you could make the argument that having to keep all the little things in mind and return to them could be a type of memory or concentration building tool… but at the end of the day I have not accomplished my actual life goals and how many hours did I spend tapping away at the void?   And why do I feel drained, and anxious and on edge? 

I suppose there are other reasons too.  E’s stuff triggering my stuff triggering her stuff and so forth. 

She woke up this morning, felt sick, projectile vomited all over the room and it still smells cuz we don’t know where it all went. She hasn’t thrown up since but still felt sick all day and rested rather than pushing herself. Which is the healthy thing to do, except of course she has some deadlines that sound very serious. And it puts me into my trauma response. 

And so I did all the household work, and my work, and mostly just sat on my phone avoiding life today. I think it was because I was frustrated with her, with life, with the way I overwork and take care of things… and still don’t get ahead. 

I had some minor tasks I didn’t get done for work that I have been putting off, and it feels bad. I also took time off specifically to take time off… and up until the last few days didn’t feel bad about it at all. I did accomplish laundry, dishes, meals, and taking out the garbage and recycling. I also did some cleaning though it still smells. Lysol the whole mess. 

I get into this headspace where I worry that if I don’t do things, they won’t get done. In this space, I neglect to notice all the things other have done, or continue to do for me. I get self righteous and afraid. I try very hard to stay even minded, but I’m scared and frustrated… I worry that I won’t get to feel safe or get to do the things I want to do because I’ll be making up for others. In some cases this has been my genuine experience, and it’s hard because I know I have allowed it to happen and then become resentful.  In other cases, I think I envy not having to worry about it, because these things are always on my mind. My faith and values say that I should be able to roll with it, allow it to come, experience it, recognize that what I worried wasn’t the outcome and then let go of these worries… but that’s hard when the pattern repeats…  it would be nice to say come storm, rain down on my parade, I invite you. But I don’t think I’m that zen yet.  

I overbooked myself tomorrow. 8 clients and a supervisee. It’s gonna be a long tough day, and I don’t think I’ll have anything left.   Most of these clients are fairly easy to deal with, mostly enjoyable. But I have some worries… of course I do. Worry that I won’t be enough, worry that I would be able to support them, that I will lose steam and hurt them in someway. Enneagram 2 qualities?   I am not grounded, I’m not connected, and I think that throws me off quite a bit. The rest of the week is more average, but starting with this many clients is probably a recipe for disaster that I will be making up for next weekend and so on.  It never ends.   

That’s kind of the thing I’ve been thinking about lately, enjoy the process because it never ends… it’s all process, not end result. 

I wrote a text to Pete last night mentioning something like that.  I’ve been very out of touch with everyone. Not really a life… 

If I were able to balance better, like maybe 25 clients instead of 30 each week. Maybe that would be better… but there are still always hard situations, and I need something outside of work to be passionate about. 

Normally I’m pretty invested in my relationship, but this weekend it’s been more like trying not to caretake/control/worry/be frustrated. 

Anyway… I thought I would write because I couldn’t get myself to do more work, and also felt wound up from that stupid game… which I deleted so that I wouldn’t be jumping back to it between sessions at work. 

I dunno… I feel like maybe not all of this is my stuff to hold, but it impacts me, so where is the line? 

Heart stuff and holidays

 I’ve been working over time at my job for several months, I am supposed to have about 25 clients a week, but I’ve been averaging 29 plus 2 supervision sessions, plus 2-3 consults.  It’s taken a toll in that I haven’t seen much of my friends or family.  

We (E and I) skipped thanksgiving to get some time to rest and rediscover who we are, so I guess we have to put more effort into Christmas. Christmas is always kind of hard for me… too many expectations, too much disappointment, too much nervous system chatter. The desire to connect to be seen, but the recognition of having to play a role because everyone is pretending it’s ok… but things aren’t ok, you know?

I am taking next week off. A rare thing for me in this job, but a thing I should probably be doing more often.  At least a day here or there… 

I have so many clients I’m worried about, that it’s hard to think of them alone this week. Not necessarily that I am worried they will suicide, though I am worried, but more that I know they will feel alone… and that sucks. 

This week, reminding them I won’t see them till the new year… a few hesitations. 

I went to therapy tonight and did brainspotting for the second time. Both times I guess I am super susceptible, because I just launched into it.  This time I tried to focus on the memory of my dad finding out his mom was dying… E reminds me he was feeling anguish/despair… I remember him on the phone, I was 4 or 5 and he was across the room and he was holding himself upright… and I wanted to hug him, but I was afraid of his sadness and scared, and felt helpless. I was stuck in the doorway. I don’t know if that’s what actually happened, but that is how I remember it, and how it felt in my body all these years. Watching my dad fall apart on Christmas and knowing that the world wasn’t always ok.   

In the brainspotting I chased the feeling of being helpless, reluctantly, to be honest, I wanted to look away, but I was encouraged to follow to be curious to sit with… and so I noticed it, and noticed myself closing in, my hands pressing together, my shoulders crouching, my tight frame, my armoring… and I sat with it, then pulled away… then went back… and eventually the armoring lifted… I opened up to the feeling and the helplessness vanished… my little body could move again… and I could sit with the sadness and be compassionate. I wanted to hug him, and I could. I wanted to hug myself and let little me know it was ok… and I could.   There wasn’t the freezeframe anymore… I had movement and freedom. 

I found myself a few moments later armoring again. Sitting with the present and my need to be armored around my family. We discussed it for a half hour. Concluded I needed to sit with it, do some mindfulness prior to seeing them, notice that it’s ok when I arrive and gradually let go throughout the course of the experience.  

I’d like to some day not be a grouch at Christmas… but I’m not quite there yet. 

I found out M’s bio dad died.  A hurt in the heart for a man I never knew. For a woman I haven’t spoken to in years, and who I don’t plan to ever again. And still, there was love and wonder and curiosity and compassion once, and so it remains. I said a little prayer as I often do, for the folks in my heart and in their hearts.   It made me wonder about all the news I do not have, the other heart aches and joys… how out of touch I am. 

What will I do with this time off?  To remind myself I am bigger than my job? To connect myself to something more intimate, to be vulnerable and open?

I don’t know yet.   Maybe I’ll keep isolating, or maybe reach out. Maybe create. Or maybe just exist.  I dunno

Pumpkin Spice Season

It is a Sunday. I have plenty of work to do, but don't really want to do it. 4 DA updates, plus consultation notes, and termination summaries. It's tedious, and not really part of the moving forward process... part of the side quests maybe, part of the letting go. 

This morning I was reading this book  How Can I help? it is kind of a collection of perspectives and experiences around getting clear on what one is doing when trying to help, versus what is really helpful (according to the Authors). For instance, early in the book they mentioned that by being a "helper" you automatically require the other person to be the one who needs help... and that this power dynamic actually interrupts the help that is possible. Versus, as Ram Dass would say "I am in this one, how did you get in that one?" meaning meeting as souls experiencing the journey from a higher place. 

As I read (and of course the book says this will happen), I find myself questioning my profession and interactions. The unnaturalness of it all. Which is something I routinely comment on in sessions. That this is an artificial relationship, and that if the person were able to get what they need in a natural way, it would be preferable. Where are the natural helpers?

This morning's read was more along the lines of discussing the suffering that happens, and how to sit with it, rather than problem solve or push it away with intellectualizing, or distracting. I find myself routinely in this position through work.  

Lately I sit with clients or talk to them on the phone, who are experiencing an immense amount of suffering. Some experience pain. Some experience meaninglessness. Some experience loneliness and feeling unconnected. Despite their state, they are also all stuck in their stuff... 

EG a client complains of being ridiculously lonely and wanting to be around others, but rejects an opportunity because it's silly, or it isn't a preferred activity. The opportunity to meet her needs, but she rejects it because it doesn't come in the package she would like. What need is that then meeting?

Another Client behaves similarly, gets frustrated with the system that doesn't make it easy, but rejects it when it comes easily, prolongs the windows between connection, "I am too caught off guard, too anxious." 

Another Client longs deeply to be seen, and therefor rejects anyone's perception that she is similar to another. "That's just like your Dad." "No, see there you go comparing me (therefor, not seeing me). 

Another projects herself as being above everyone "I am a genius (smarter than everyone around me). Dont force me to conform, or jump into you boxes or roles..." and also wonders why she can't connect to others, or why there are so few people in her life who have really been able to make her feel a sense of belonging. 

Another sees himself as deficient, and therefor lives his life masking, and then wonders why it is so hard not to stray into distractions that allow him to get away from his circumstances. 

Some folks narrow it down to helplessness, worthlessness, and unloveablity. Or shame, guilt,

And how do I respond to these inner beliefs, or the situations of stuckness... Sometimes I want to jump in and problem solve (sometimes it is helpful), sometimes I want to run or avoid, sometimes I want to ask for help, sometimes it makes me feel not enough, sometimes it makes me question if I have anything to offer at all... so many responses. Sometimes I sit with it... validate, other times I challenge or question. It's a weird thing -therapy... like is there a right answer?  surely the pattern will repeat again. 

I find it the best when I can just sit with and believe in someone. 

But sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I want to challenge their drama. Sometimes I am caught up in it with them. Sometimes I want to provide perspective, othertimes share my own drama. 

I would like to respond with curiousity and creativity and warmth and offer a new way of being, rather than simply a new way of thinking... but its hard to do. At times I will feel super grounded and present, other times on edge and impatient. 

I don't have to look to work to recognize these patterns, I feel them deeply in my personal life. As work has taken up more of my time, I feel I have less to give to others. A lot of time with E and family, but not a lot left over for friends. Sometimes I miss them, but often I think of them with worry  rather than love. A scarcity mindset. What will they want from me? What if I can't perform or play into their stuff? What if I am not enough, or can't give enough, or don't want to?  It's all drama. 

E has been sick the last few days. She lost her voice, and is coughing and sore. She sounds absolutely miserable, and my honest reaction is to pull away. A combo of I don't want to get sick, and of feeling like I can't make the discomfort stop... so I need to distance. 

Shes been actively cleaning the house and doing projects and seems somewhat on edge. When I look at her, she appears mad at me. It triggers this belief that I am not enough, and not doing enough. She tells me I trigger the same in her, and we come together to acknowledge that this distance is awful and not intentional... but we spend a whole day believing our shitty interpretations before asking. 

I am worried about my elderly or disabled Clients... but do I take care of those at home? I expect my parents to be able to handle their own shit. To not be needy. I wonder if they complain to their therapists about us... our distance, our putting our wants before their needs.

Of course it makes me question all the future things. Louise, my current therapist reminds me frequently I don't have control over anything, and that when I think I do, its simply a delusion. All that effort, better to put it into accepting the current situation and responding mindfully. She doesn't say it that way... but its funny how flippant she is when she says I don't actually have control... and part of me is like... but foresight!!! 

Sometimes in the little quiet moments, I miss students and clients of long ago. The ones that unexpectedly touched my heart. Wonder who they are and what they are up to these days. Time marches as they say. 

Last night I had this weird little longing for the Care Barista coffee shop in Fontabello in Guatemala City. Something about the combo or an americano and a pecan pie, and Courtney? and the safety of the bougie mall in a sea of chaos. I miss guatemala city. I liked who I got to be, even if I wasn't sure what that was or what I wanted it to be. I think I wrestled there... and I am not so much wrestling now. 

Maybe I am ready to put my own wrestling on hold to watch the development of others? of littles? I don't know. I have things I need to do, and when am I supposed to do that in a 9 hour work day that also asks me for another hour or two at night, and 4 on the weekend. This isn't sustainable when I recognize that. Maybe I need to do concurrent documentation, or open my own practice.

I miss Courtney. She doesn't need anything from me. I should write her. I miss Victoria too. She's reached out a few times. We haven't connected in a long while. I miss people from long ago. At the same time... I can't even remember everyone's names. Who was that? Who were they really?

I like to pretend I know, but as a certain Client loves to remind me... and she being both more sneaky and more honest in a way, than most, people allow us to see what we want to see, to believe what we want to believe. Shes better at it than most, and so we all project on her. 

Maybe thats all they all are... my projections... projections of the one regardless, like myself... we are all in the maya, eh? 

 Finding myself hungry. So I should probably walk home.