Moments of truth

 Spyhouse on a Monday, the 24^th of March.  

Reading John Green write about sunsets. Wondering, why do I like this place so much? Where else would I be on a Monday afternoon that I had been meant to be working? Home alone scrolling on my phone?  At the lake? (but it’s a bit too cold)  I suppose I could go out to the Como Conservatory like I tell everyone else to do… or run errands… but I don’t really have any. 

I wasn’t expecting the day off. I was expecting a morning appointment, and an afternoon to book end, and a lot of time watching tarot videos and msnbc, and dillydallying around paperwork.  Tomorrow is a very busy day at work…

Today, I journal at a coffee shop. Sometimes I like the light, it doesn’t feel cramped here, it feels spacious, and open. Sometimes I like the people watching. Sometimes I dislike the chairs and the feel of the tables on my skin. I usually always enjoy the coffee. The noise level depends on my mood. Sometimes someone is speaking too loudly, or coughing, or fidgeting, or the music is too loud. Many of those things just started happening. It had been quiet, and I could hear my thoughts. I put in headphones, maybe that will help. I keep thinking I should buy noise canceling ones. 

 

Deep breath, get centered. 

I had all these things I wanted to journal about. Maybe a list would help.

 

·      Last night and the Krishna consciousness (as I am calling it). Perception at different levels.,

·      My fear and anxiety vs abundance, creativity, manifesting

·      Clarity

·      Dad at the lake, and selfishness

·      And of course the day to day…

 

What first?  I am not sure… maybe from the concrete to the multilevel…reverse order then. 

 

This week will be stressful with work. I have 7 appointments tomorrow, two intakes and my normal schedule. Wednesday is a little lighter, but then Thursday and Friday are basically booked up. I have therapy on Thursday I think. Its all fine, and even if it goes poorly or I am stressed I have nothing to worry about… it won’t impact anything except my level of creativity at night. I can watch severance and eat fast food instead of groceries and art… no biggie. 

 

Business wise… turned in the paperwork… starting to brainstorm around what to put on the website, looking into an EHR. I think it will work. 

 

Over the weekend I did all my household chores, saw Illy and did some art, saw both of my parents. Went to see a play at the Guthrie with my Mom, and it was amazing. A midsummer nights dream. Beautiful and vibrant. Charming and funny. Great music, great spectacle, great story telling. They made it really physical, so you could tell the storyline even if you didn’t understand every word. And Aimee one of the musicians from church was in it. Speaking of music, yesterday Chastity Brown played at church. She said she’d been attending for about 4 months with her wife. It was great. Actually kind of hard to focus on the sermon and everything else because I was taking in the music.   I guess, that is the day to day. 

Walking with my Dad. 

I really enjoy walking around the lake with my Dad, or going for walks with him. Generally, it is when we have our best conversations (since we don’t drive together much I guess). Sometimes we complain about stuff… yesterday he was complaining about Ali’s wedding and not having enough time or knowing how to prepare for the amount of people. Small things in the long run, it will go fine. But he was definitely feeling like he was responsible for all these things that he just didn’t really want to be responsible for. He made it sound like he had spoken up, but had later walked back his boundaries and was now resenting it. 

I was complaining about politics for much of it…

At some point in the middle of the walk, a woman walked by wearing stretch fitness pants, and he made a comment about how she was practically naked… and it was really uncomfortable. I think I felt like I wanted to argue, but also like he wanted to share the shadow self… the inner judgements and wanted me to be on his side. It felt yucky. I couldn’t care less what the lady wore, or rather, I support her in wearing what she wants and feel she shouldn’t be judged for it. Feel like she should be admired in whatever guise she shows up in… as all people should be. 

It was the same when he brought up George Floyd… sure he's not the most honorable man to have been martyred, but he became a martyr because he was representative of the need to respect human dignity regardless of circumstance… not blatantly ignore, judge, mistreat, oppress. It’s like there is some fundamental misalignment sometimes between this father of mine, and I. Its one thing to have a judgment and feel some guilt for it, its another to believe you are right, and better than someone else. Again… it just feels yucky sometimes. 

 

(I just noticed they were playing one of the versions of om namah Shivaya I listen to… so odd). 

 

So I was thinking about this the other day. How part of my healing path is to accept my shadow self, all the parts of me I have pushed away… tried to hide etc.  I was thinking about the differences between my selfishness and my Dad’s. I used to think selfishness was selfishness and always bad. Used to think it meant putting yourself above someone else, my needs matter more than yours, and you’ll have to deal with it.  This was the lesson I learned from my Father's actions so long ago... and it has haunted me. But I feel like at this point, my 41 yr old self, says no. I can have needs equal to yours. It doesn’t make me selfish or better to have my own needs or my petty wants. I don’t judge you for yours, so why should I judge myself for wanting my own peace of mind, or piece of the pie. I need to learn better how to put myself first, but not above. That’s my work to do. I think noticing the difference is helpful. Its like trusting the place form where it comes from is not bad, not shameful, not even guilty… On this level, I am learning and growing.

 

There is a certain amount of clarity coming to me lately… and I think its making it easier to act, and to pursue my goals. To experience life as it is, not the judgements I make of it. 

 

Some quotes/paraphrases from either tarot or online healers that have been resonating. 

“Clarity is not knowing what to do, its knowing yourself and being clear about it. From there you can act without fear, and know it will be ok.”

I think this is a helpful place to get to. To focus on the inner knowing of self, to be grounded, to be present, to feel fully myself… and then from there the world is full of possibility and I can just smile and step forward. No worries. No perfectionism. No judging self.

 

Need to remind myself of that.

 

Another, that has a lot to do with the last couple things I want to write about…

“You can always choose the level at which you experience a situation, what level, impacts how you experience it, even if the situation still happens.”

EG. You can laugh at a coup, or be horrified, or cry, or be indifferent.. But furthermore, you can see it from above, or below, you can see it as force to be worked with -ala jujitsu, or one to be met with equal force. Choose the level at which you wish to experience it, at which you feel capable… and then act in that.  But don’t forget its your choice, and that choice is always available.

 

Which brings me to the last two points. 

And right now I am feeling a little sleepy, and a little irritable with the amount of noise in here. The pushing away of distraction, or sensory input.  I came to the coffee shop hoping to meet someone, but this isn’t the type of energy I want to have if I met someone. Maybe I need to do some meditating on abundance… put the ideas I am dwelling on, into action. Maybe its time to head home and enjoy the silence of my home environment. 

I’ll probably do that and start again. 

 

 

(9pm)

The next part is like the opposite of how I have been feeling for much of today. I woke up in this space, but couldn’t maintain it. Maybe if I am lucky, I can get back there… but I just spent a few hours on my phone, took a nap, ate dinner, and then spent a few more hours on my phone because I am feeling so unmotivated and unproductive, and just like a waste of space right now... probably the food I have been eating. Donuts, don’t add energy.

 

Anyway… I am not sure how to bring this up since it is so far from where I am.   My whole thing about choosing the level you want to experience things at feels hard right now. Maybe a lack of energy, or feeling sick, or the temperature of the room makes that more difficult. Spoon theory after all. We can experience within the limits of what we can experience…

And last night, I felt limitless. 

 

I don’t really know why, but at a certain point in the night I was having a hard time getting to sleep, and I started brainstorming for the future, and started expanding my mind, further and further. Work, workshops, classes I’ve taught, lessons I’d like to impart, scientific ideas I’ve heard, spiritual ideas I’ve heard… trips I’ve taken in my mind, and in the real world… things coalesced, and I found myself considering these ideas of G-d and the universe, and everything seemed beautiful and expansive, and layered, but perfect. Like that Ram Dass video, everything was perfect, perfectly aligned within the way of things. Universes existing, times coexisting, life, the material… I felt like I was a smear of paint on G-d’s paint brush, brought to life amongst all the other smudges… sometimes the subject of a moment, sometimes a blotch in the background, but no matter what, totally part of the beauty of the universe. A testament to the creator, who creates in all moments, and creates to mirror back the parts of itself.  EG, what could a human mind fathom or perceive that isn’t A) verification to G-d’s omniscience, and B) pales in comparison… we create little objects, words and symbols, relationships and political systems, then throw them at one another, exchange them, negotiate, fight and squander… but in the vastness of this omniscience and this universe it means nothing… and yet everything. We puppets upon the strings dancing, playing our parts, holy regardless of their role. A member of a cast, a collection of atoms brought together to beautify the nothing, and make something…

And if we are breathed into by G-d, or we are reflections of her, in the whirl of creation and destruction, and creation again… then nothing is wrong, ever… nothing bad, no imperfections anywhere… suffering, pain, guilt, hurt, even hatred, just a note plucked in the symphony, dissonances performed to create a masterpiece… and our role… oh, are we vile for playing our brutal role?  The president, the warrior, the pirate, the flower, the peacemaker, the baker, the farmer, the starving, the prisoner… oh all good thingsAll living out their dollop of creation, none better or worse, just part of the perfection. And I am that.  At this level… oh the beauty and dance of the universe, and as without, so within, can you imagine the universe of microbes in our guts? In our blood? The electricity within our nervous system? The thought or image that flickers across my mind, is the same that flickers across the universe, all things connected, all vast, simple and complex. All the law of perfection…. What is a chair? A home, an assembly, a concept, a grave, a place to rest… so each of us. All things, grand and small, the micro is the macro. The blanket covering me, and the fan blowing particles across the room, like the sun blows helium across our solar system, and knocks out the wifi… like a galaxy swirling on the other side of the universe, like the swirling in the drain I just declogged of the filth I’ve shed. All perfection at all levels…. And in this vast creative space… this unending immaculate universe…

I wondered,  why do I choose to believe there are limits?

Why do I put limits on myself or anyone else? Why can’t I just marvel at the perfection of what ever occurs, laugh, smile, delight in the next breath, the next grunt, the next death?

I can be angry at Donald Trump for destroying the country I believed I lived in, or delight in the unmasking, and choose whether I want to heap new stone upon stone to build anew, or sit on the rubble and take in the stars and the starlink satelites when everything else fails. 

Nothing better or worse, starvation is just a certain set of pangs… but again, any choice, any timeline.  I often wonder, what makes a person make a choice I wouldn’t make. Why does this woman over here choose to start an only fans, or wear the stretch pants my Dad judges, while the next wears a burka? Why do I believe the limits of pickiness, of energy, of motivation… or sensory overwhelm?  Why not eat of the fruitsalad, aren’t all things from Krishna? As the man said. Any choice, any timeline, perfect. Sometimes some of the energy healers online will say, the angels, the ancestors, the guides want you to have whatever you desire as long as it doesn’t interfere with what you were put here to do, any timeline is as good as the next, you want to switch timelines, believe that you can. But they also say, you won’t be able to unless you firmly believe it, any doubt will send you back into the same cycle. If you are ready for the next thing, call out to the universe and the angels and the guides to bring it, where is my purple woman? (a reference to a video a guy made about DMT)… collectively we have chosen this, its what we believe we deserve, but there are infinite timelines where we have chosen differently, and each new choice, each real true free choice allows that shift. Why not grow like Hanuman and pace across the subcontinent? Why not shrink and dance inside the small intestine? Why not lay lazily like the lion in the grass, and later be feasted upon by the trillions.. I am the future soil, the future oil, the future rock flung across the galaxy, why not a moment of wealth, or lust, or chaos, or gluttony… and oh, of course for each choice there are consequences, natural, within the law. Why don’t I choose differently? The way I perceive and experience the law provides these consequences within this birth, within this role. Mine, might be different than yours, as Ram Dass says, I’m here, how did you get in that one? All different levels, all choices are available, but all within the law. So who do I call on?  

Some lady told me I need to invite in my Scandinavian deities (invest in the side of me that is unknown), and among them, Odin stands out, two ravens by his side, a blind eye, a hanged man, thrust upon the world tree wanting to see all. Choosing rather than being thrust into helplessness..

Not Jesus upon the cross, crying out Why have you forsaken me? (his role within the law), but a man who ties himself to it… give me this experience, I’ll sacrifice for it.  I am not Odin, but wonder if my desire to have crows near.. Huginn and Muninn, thought and memory… and what is it I do for a living? 

But this morning I found myself singing “take this cup away from me, for I don’t want to taste its poison…”  and considered Arjuna wishing the same. And inside the vast cosmic swirl within the charioteer’s mouth (another form of G-d) all the universe saying, you must perform your role regardless… we cannot have it any other way. Divine timing… all is choice, but only within the choices we have. 

 

I ask for guidance, hey universe, hey angels, ancestors, guides, aliens, whatever you all are… help me find my way home… my path, and let me be grateful, and let me not be afraid all the time…and let me find love… and let me know that you are holding all those I’ve loved, so that I don’t have to feel afraid for them, or responsible… and yet. What is my role?

 

Back to confusion. Forgetfulness. The vail. Back to worry.  Back to distrust…  

Its strange to have a glimpse of the way of things, to be one with all, and then fall out... again I am separate, discarded.  I thought maybe today would be the day that everything changes. It’s not over yet, but at some point, I went back into my habits… will again shortly. I won’t meditate tonight, I’ll probably feel sad and want to avoid it. Wide pain in the divide…

Grounded on this lesser plane, chalk full of insecurity, dullness, anxiety and conservation of energy… the material level. But this too is perfect, even if I am a worm in the very dry dirt.  I just have to remember, its but a flicker away, but I feel depleted… or lazy. Adam not extending his finger… and I guess,  I am that. 

 

 

 

masfgjhgasd dreams this week…

  

I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I get exhausted and want to go to bed early like 8 or 9. I lay in bed with a heat pad- its after dinner, and I don’t feel motivated to do all those things I am supposed to do to stay healthy, like exercise, or journal, or read, or do art, or talk to a friend. Instead I pull the blankets over me and scroll on my phone, fall asleep randomly. Wake up, brush my teeth, can’t get back to sleep until 11 or midnight. Then wake again at 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 6:20, 6:30, 7… today is Tuesday and I didn’t have any morning appointments. No reason to get out of bed… I was invested in my dreams which were not comforting. I don’t recall them. I just know that they were business, or logistics, or tension, and completely without warmth.

 

Last night I had a nightmare in which someone was in bed with me. I awoke and was scared there was someone in the apartment, a notion quickly dispelled. It was quiet. My own breathing probably woke me up. 

Is it stomach pain, back and hip pain, snoring? I don’t know. I should get a sleep study done. I probably haven’t slept through the night routinely in ages. Maybe I should take a sleeping pill, minimally zzzquil? Maybe I should take a sleep med instead of a caffeine pill in the morning? 

 

I woke up feeling not rested and not very motivated or hopeful. I had hoped to accomplish something bigger today since I have a bunch of time… maybe get an eye exam, buy a computer, turn in my paperwork  for the business(waiting on IRS), create the website. Maybe I will do that after this… or just read.  

 

I don’t have any clients until 3pm. Its nearing 11:30 am and I walked myself to the coffee shop. My muscles ache. Am I dehydrated? Yesterday I had two clients, and had to finish a DA between them. It took me hours, but I got basically everything done.  There isn’t much sense of urgency, I have time… I have too much time. 

 

Yesterday morning I felt more hopeful, felt like there were opportunities and I just needed to grasp them. Move forward regardless. By midday I was feeling like time was going too fast. Hard to slow down. By 6:30 last night I had already eaten dinner and watched the news, and I was just done...

 

I want to go see some Shakespeare at the Guthrie, but I don’t really want to invite any of my friends. I asked Dad, and he said the whole deaf thing would probably keep him from enjoying it. I am asking my Mom, but I assume she will be out of town. Maybe a brother?  The protest thing is still appealing, but it looks like the next big ones will be the end of the month. They are starting to do weekly protests at Tesla dealerships, and at the Capital. I think it would be good to get to the congress people’s offices… 

 

Politics-wise, Senator Schumer decided it was better to play into the hands of the Republicans and pretend things are normal than to fight. In the continuing resolution, there was even a power give away to the President authorizing him to create new special military groups…. Uh oh, I wonder how that will backfire?   Now the courts are preparing the battle – the White House defied orders regarding sending immigrants to El Salvador without due process. A judge literally told them to turn the planes around, and the said “uh, oh yeah… no.” This is probably gonna be the show down. It feels like the slide towards authoritarianism is already a slip n slide. 

It is obvious the democrats will not save us. We will have to save ourselves…  no certainty of the future. 

 

I think that has been one of the biggest barriers to my mindset about doing what is best for me…  I don’t know what is best for me. It feels like the structure that would support my small business could erode overnight and I’d be back to being a wage slave.  My mom says, who cares… if that’s the worst-case scenario, then its no biggie. That’s basically true, better to try and fail, then never try.  Waiting on that tax form. 

I think I wrote about this over the weekend, but again… If I get the business up and running, and then move in late summer/early fall… that’s a pretty big transformation right?  A Re-start to the 4^th decade. 

 

(There is a guy sitting like 10 feet away who is clearly sick and coughing a lot in my direction. Not a great feeling)

 

That was part of my midnight thoughts when I couldn’t get back to sleep after the nightmare. What if I did die?  What if I had cancer, an aneurysm or a sudden heart attack… how long would it take for anyone to notice… I was thinking best case scenario, 3-4 days, worst case a week?  My Dad has been pretty urgent in the past if I don’t get back to him within a day or two.  It’s the thing when I lived alone on Hennepin, and slipped in the tub. It’s like… could that have been a death sentence?  Sure. 

 

I’m thinking about my health, because it would make sense to get a check up and eye exam, and probably some dental work before I quit my job. Not saying I won’t have insurance but it might not be as good…?  Who knows. Do they still recommend colonoscopies at 40? 

 

Healthcare, is another thing I need to figure out. Same with EHRs and other stuff. What I have found is that decisions on those things take me 1-2 days. I get on one track, and then look into it, and then get disappointed, and then the next day I come back and make a decision. Which is fine. 

 

But am I living into a scarcity mindset… guided by fear again?  Yeah… I suppose I am. I am trying to set up a foundation, but maybe I need to find that foundation in my beliefs of self. Whatever comes, I can manage… but the ways of the world are strange and meandering and sometimes scary.  I have some money. I have family who are capable and will support me. I have friends. I have an education and a skill set and credentials. Why am I still so scared to take risks?

 

What is possible?  Why can’t I stay in the abundance, growth, positive mindset? 

I have been wondering whats up with my distraction/spirituality back and forth lately. Its like I know it is available to feel good and free, and hopeful… but instead I stay stuck, make excuses like, whats the harm in not being part of the world for a few more hours?  I can stay home in bed, I’m not hurting anyone by missing out on opportunities that aren’t guaranteed to get me anything.  –that might be the crux of the thing, I keep attending stuff and it feels good in the moment but doesn’t lead to a different outcome. I go back to some of the politics and organizing stuff, feels good in the moment, but I’ve been disappointed that it hasn’t felt more like a home or a community I want to invest in. 

 (moved away from the coughing guy, and feel better for the distance). 

 

When it is 6 pm on a weeknight, I have this tickling idea in the back of my mind that I am missing out on the opportunity to meet or be a part of something else by staying in bed. But how many times have I been to a coffee shop and never talked to anyone? Gone to a movie, or play, or event… joined a class, or a club, or a group… and it was ok. It was just ok. Nothing life changing. Maybe the weight of the lack has pushed the scale down… so I am taking less risks.

 

But what could change if I wanted it to? 

I could talk to people more,

I could go travel,

I could start a new project,

I could join something like book club or a meditation group, or a political org,

Take a class,

I could exercise or join a gym,

I could change my life completely, move, start a new career,

So many opportunities… and lately they just don’t feel very exciting.

 

I think about the spiritual stuff… its exciting in the moment, but I am not compelled all the time. I think I am fairly content with my current career… just waiting for the next step. 

It feels like that a lot. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. 

Then I am sure things will happen very quickly. 

 

Love?  Yesterday I spent too much time wondering if I should try to make more effort, make more room. I am 41 and set in my ways. I’ve had love in my life a handful of times… and it has come and gone. But the majority of time, I have been alone… and I am pretty used to myself. 

 

I also spent time thinking of Becky for some reason, her apartment on University… how it felt like she was living some adventurous life, couch surfers, getting in trouble, trying to get ahead. What a weird time of life. 

 

Maybe it’s the gray sky today. Maybe I am running into a new tower… that things do need to change drastically because I have to rebuild from a deeper place. The world is big and I am thinking too small today. I probably need to spend some time in nature, some time in prayer or meditation. 

 

Maybe shave my head and become a hare Krishna, -another thought I had in the middle of the night. I remember their leader telling an 18 yr old Michael… “once I realized all things come from Krishna I stopped being picky…”  what a statement of faith. To live there… to stay in that mindset. All things (not good and bad), all gifts, to be welcomed and accepted… why is this happening for me? 

 

Why is this period of waiting happening for me? 

 

Probably because the way is being created… a path opening up… something beyond my expectations of myself or of what is possible. Do I know what direction that will lead? No. 

I am trying to stay open… but I worry my mood is boggling it. Could I have success? Yes. Could I have life changing difficulties? Yes. Could both be gifts to my soul?  Sure… new ways to approach, or see, or feel, or breathe differently. 

 

I better go home and eat dinner… I feel like I am fighting the depression and one thing I have really come to recognize is that my mind and mood slip very easily whenI am hungry.  So… good bye for now. 

 

 

 

The next day March 19

3/19/3/19/25 

I had two dreams last night that left me feeling somewhat shaken when I woke up.

In the dream, just before I woke for the day… I was trying my best to follow through and prepare for a social event. It might have been a wedding, or a party, or a dance… but as I prepared, I realized I didn’t have the right clothes to fit in at the party. So, very last minute, I made the effort to run to the mall, run around stores, purchase a nice shirt and a tie, or maybe a suit. I wanted to make sure I didn’t stand out too much, not because that would have been bad, but because I wanted the focus to be on something other than me. I could perform the role, and have a good time, and not worry.

I woke up to an alarm. 

I went back to sleep and time had passed. This time, it seemed to be Lacey who I had gone to the event with. It was the following morning, and she was disappointed. Why?  It turns out we went to the dance, and everyone had a good time, but I was hindered by my anxiety… she described the particular way I held back critically -(very in line with my normal dance moves when I am just listening to something). She implied that rather than be part of the event like everyone else, I kept myself separate, and that therefor she couldn’t enjoy herself to the extent she wanted to. I was defensive, both personally, and sort of generally…  “really, everyone was dancing?”  I pictured them in the dream, a whole crowd where every individual is dancing (like in the movies) and I am the one wallflower sticking to myself. She said yes. I was the only one. I felt more defensive… I wondered why my being myself was such a hardship for her… and as she talked, I realized (somewhat of a lucidity in the dream -likely caused by the fact it was in between alarms) that I hadn’t had any direct memory of the experience. I told her this. I’m not there yet, I haven’t gotten to that part of the event. She seemed confused.

I realized I was trying to argue about something that I hadn’t experienced yet, and that I was planning on catching up in time with her.   Then the next alarm went off.

I woke up sort of crabby, feeling criticized and responsible for ruining someone else’s good time. This felt like a theme that I am all too familiar with. That something I do or say, or my way of enjoying something isn’t good enough. I was irritated, trying to defend myself, trying to think up ways that I could please… and also irritated that people who claim to love me don’t accept me, and instead point to my ways of being and criticize.

In the shower, I considered that this dream wasn’t about Lacey, or anyone else… it was a part of me saying to another part of me, why do you always let your anxiety hold you back?  Why can’t you just enjoy yourself, let go, be part of things that other people enjoy?   I am not sure I have an answer to that, but it felt like a call to wake up… In the shower I started questioning whether I should be on meds, even a PRN for social occasions.  Something to make it a little easier to let go, and not be uptight, and afraid. Something that makes it easier to act on my goals, and desires without muddling around for a few hours/days/months…

I decided that I need to take steps forward on the business, so I emailed the lady I was ready to drop off some paperwork…  even if I don’t fully feel ready. Need to get back into the motion, the forward momentum… it doesn’t have to be perfect, perfect is the enemy of good, and good enough…

But even now, I have been delaying most of the day. Feeling like I haven’t met my goals, or tried hard enough… feeling pressure to perform at a higher level… and part of me goes to that other voice… why do I have to perform for others? Why fit in?  Why am I not already enough… loveable in all my nervousness? Isn’t that good enough?

 

 

The other dream was probably more odd. I walked through a house or building, and snuck up on a woman I thought to be familiar. It felt like surprising a loved one… but then I realized she was not the person I had thought, but it didn’t seem to matter. She embraced me, and the new situation, she became a lover… and I had the odd reality of bringing her back to my bed, which I shared with E, and with some guy… (he never spoke and I don’t know who he is). E was obviously hurt, upset, but also played along… and at first it seemed like she was trying her best to be accommodating, welcoming, but bitterly. She had some sort of key to the woman, and she held it -like she had to deal with an animal she didn’t particularly like… kind of like “eewww take this away.”  And over time I realized her discomfort and asked her for the key. She gave me a look that simultaneously said something alone the lines of “really, you’re leaving me for her?” and also “thank god, I don’t really want to be responsible for this.” And I took the key and turned away from her…. Gradually she fell off the bed, distancing… until she wasn’t  quite present, even though she was. I turned my attention towards the new woman… and indulged in our love… I am still not sure what the other guy was doing there. 

I woke up feeling so mixed on this dream… it was probably the middle of the night, but it felt like I was falling in love with someone (positive), and also like I was losing someone I love (negative)… and I felt sad… I felt like I had betrayed someone I care for.

I am imagining, by light of day… that that is exactly how it will feel when I meet someone new. It was the same with Alexis and Becky. I felt like I was so excited to meet this new amazing person, and be charmed and swept up in it… but also I felt like I was losing someone I loved in the process. And I know that has already happened with E… and that it is ok. But I just have this feeling meeting someone new will be full of grief, bittersweet.

 

Today is a fairly cold, gray day. I an not feeling inspired to fall in love. I am feeling kind of heartbroken, but I don’t really want to cry. I have three more appointments tonight… and a desire to feel productive but for what and for whom? 

I took out salmon… the one meal E made consistently for us. I will probably be having grief for dinner.

 

 

Yesterday I was feeling like this too. Midway through the day I did a guided meditation, and fell in love with myself and this life. It was really heartening… part of the imagery was climbing through the world tree to go meet your future self… and I imagined this branch of my life with its twists and turns, its bumpy bits, its ever growing… imagined it not just as a single life, but the span of my soul as it grows, learns, returns to source, imagined that every little thing is happening for me, and not to me… and I was touched, and glowing and full of appreciation and joy.

But by last night I was in bed again, not necessarily feeling like I was headed anywhere...

Not feeling closer or connected. 

I sent the email.

I made plans for the weekend. 

I will follow through with some stuff. 

I will probably go connect with some coworkers after this…

But oh the bittersweet and melancholy eh?

The next morning March 20

I had this weird dream last night. It wasn’t upsetting but I’m finding it upsetting this morning. Maybe I

Shouldn’t. Maybe it was saying everything is gonna be ok. In the dream my family was on vacation, somewhere near mountains, a lake, hotel. Very briefly Pete and Kevin showed up. They’d just been for a walk, and I’m pretty sure they got high. I asked them a few questions and they didn’t really say anything, Kevin more so than Pete. And that’s odd because Kevin was always very talkative. I wanted to hang out with them, or have them come back and hang with my family, but they seemed reluctant to come with me, so I told them I’d meet up with them after checking in with my family. 

I went to my mom and Grant, and asked about how big the lake was, wanting to walk around it. They said it was an easy walk and I got ready. Then as I was nearing the lake, I felt worried about bugs, and worried that the sun would set before I got back. I looked for Pete and KJ, I don’t know if I found them. The dream continued with me walking around trying to find the things I needed throughout the hotel. But never making it to the lake, and even if I did connect with the boys, it didn’t seem like for very long. I was worried they were mad at me. 

When I woke up I remember KJ was dead. And it chained a bunch of thoughts together of why he wasn’t communicating in the dream. And then I wondered why Pete was with him… and then I started to worry. I don’t really want to say anything or cause alarm, but sometimes these types of things happen in dreams.  A death in a dream doesn’t have to be a death. Getting high in a dream doesn’t have to mean getting high… sunset and darkness around plans don’t mean the end of adventure… but it got me all teary eyes thinking about it. 

Everyone seemed fine in the dream. There wasn’t sadness or anger or hurt, other than my own. I think that’s what was weird about all the interactions, I was the only one that felt uncomfortable. 

Knock on wood everything is ok. Love to you all. 

The grief

 https://youtu.be/4q2Fmr5tPCs?feature=shared  

This is a good one for the grief. Feels so true, and you can picture all the little moments lost. 

Ok I’m gonna go to bed. 

Mid March

(This was started Saturday March 15th while at a coffee shop with Rachel) I’m craving something real. Restless for it. This morning I woke up and felt uninspired to do the things I need to do. It was supposed to rain, so I cancelled my plans with my Dad to go for a walk. It sprinkled, but a true rain never arrived. So I sat drinking coffee thinking about what I was supposed to do with my day. Spanish, taxes, work, business stuff… these things meant nothing but toil. Not worth the little effort I could muster intellectually. Stuff to put off. I did the dishes and became more restless, I brainstormed ideas for a junk journal. Gathered materials. Listened to some Led Zeppelin. But I couldn’t sit still, so when Rachel asked to meet at a coffee shop I jumped at the opportunity.

She delayed, so I shopped at the quarry (more art supplies), and listened to this new artist I found on Instagram, fairy like music. Madilyn Mai? 

I arrived at the destination and made another list of the same old things, but continued to feel restless, feel likes something was wrong, not quite as it should be. The day is gray and rainy, and it feels like something is supposed to happen, but will it?

I started reading a few chapters from the Anthropocene Reviewed, gosh I love his writing. The first was about bacteria and antibiotics. The second was about “academic decathlon” but was really about the people who love you and make you a better person. The subtle allusions to someone who had impacted his life so much. The subtle allusions to times and places that felt real, that felt memorable, worthwhile.  And then the recognition that time continues for better and worse. You can read in John Green’s writing his anxiety, and also his heart, and both come across so profoundly. I started crying. It was the mix of him talking about his time at boarding school, remembrances of looking for Alaska, Covid fear and uncertainty, isolation and connection to something larger.  A woman walked into the coffee shop and from a far looked cute to beautiful, and I imagined a relationship and a connection, and then felt like I was betraying E. And then had to go through the motions of reminding myself that the grief just is what it is… I don’t owe anything to her. And yet, it was odd.  Illy told me last night that E had said she missed me, and it brought another wave of that loyalty to a relationship months ago. Mostly simply, I remind myself, she didn’t even wish you happy birthday. You don’t owe anything to someone who doesn’t care… but knowing that she does, but can’t communicate makes it difficult. And still. I couldn’t move forward with my life, despite loving her, I didn’t feel like we were partnering in a way to make a future. She got her passport renewed only after we’d broken up. 2 years of me asking on and off, did nothing. 

Rachel says she is going to Vietnam in April for three weeks. I’m having a hard time imagining a trip.  My therapist says plan so you have something to look forward to. (Continued March 16th at night at home).   Rachel and I had a discussion about how I’m struggling to commit to things in the future because of the uncertainty of the moment. I’m trying to recreate foundations, and she was trying to remind me that when I travel I remind myself who I am.  She wanted to go camping sometime this summer… I’m having a hard time picturing the next few months without assuming they will be difficult and stressful.   

After all, my plan is to start a new business. Then find a new home and move. In between maybe a trip. Ali’s wedding. Who knows what will happen with the country. 

I went for a walk yesterday with dad (I was having a hard time motivating myself to do anything (same with today )) and I talked his ear off about the state of the world and politics. 

Today I went to church and it was good. Got Costco. Did a few things then laid in bed for several hours and fell asleep. Then did my taxes and made dinner. 2k+ there goes a pay check. Attempted to start a DA before the internet cut out. I’m considering taking more clients since my numbers are so low. 

This week?  I need to do an eye exam and probably get new glasses. I should probably get a check up. All these things before I lose my current insurance. 

Need to buy stuff for the business. 

Need to put things on the calendar so that time doesn’t just go by without anything to show. 

I’m happy to get my taxes done early for me. 

I’m struck by how often the grief has been hitting me lately. Even the idea of moving is now so sad… a few months ago I was ready to get out. Now Im sad about how this place has become mine… and still it’s missing something. 

The weekend was a tough one for grief. I think because now I have time on my hands and no major destination… or project. I’m trying to start my own little art projects and a business and occasionally some writing… but all these self directed things are so hard. 

At least with the protests (each weekend for the past month or so) and the open houses when I was looking for two months, I had outside dates and locations… something to fill the void. But I’m at home. And it’s quiet uptown (as the song goes). I miss her. I miss a lot of our life together. But more than that, I miss having a direction for my life something foundational and aspirational. 

I don’t really have that, and the ways I do have it now, feel misaligned. It’s nice that Rachel calls me out on my shit, but the agitation isn’t always wanted in that way. 

When I have family obligations, I can fulfill them, but I don’t have a partner to share it all with. 

When I’m honest about the last few months before we broke up, I didn’t feel like I had that then either. I keep going back to some of the hurtful things she said that eroded my trust in her… and it was like, where did the world we had developed together go?

I keep thinking I’m ready for the next chapter, but I’m not sure I’m ready for anything.  All the tarot videos were call outs this weekend…. Hey, do the thing you keep feeling you’re not ready for.. I’m not sure how. I’m not sure what I’m willing or able to change other than what I’m already doing. 

I did an intro session to spiritual direction the other day and it was really nice. But I’m not sure that’s my jam either. I mean, I loved being able to talk openly about faith. But I don’t think I’m

Ready to retool just yet. Maybe once I establish the business and move out of my apartment… maybe then the next chapter will be a new type of therapy or something? 

But I don’t know. In the mean time… it’s a lot of sitting around and waiting. 

weekly update I suppose

 

It's about 9 pm on the day of day light savings, which means its actually 8, but it feels later...

Today was kind of an odd day. I ate pizza and donuts for dinner yesterday and they of course fucked with my stomach all night, so i didn't sleep well. I forgot it was day light savings, so when I tried to wake up for the first church service I was exhausted and decided I would go to the 11 AM.  Then I didn't set an alarm but woke up a few times with time to spare, and they woke up at 10:30 still feeling tired, and decided I wouldn't make it. I stayed in bed on my phone till roughly noon. 

I had some strange dreams, the two I remember (now) were even more odd because they involved Luke... who might have been a stand in for steve... or someone, but regardless they were odd. Dreams are one of the reasons I enjoy sleeping in, but usually when I do, I feel braindead and have a headache all day.  In one, Luke was showing me how to hack someones phone and see all the things they get up to. I spent my time nervous, worried about being judged. In the other, he was showing a group of us how to fly. Which was weird. It basically required a handstand into a twisting bicycle kick, and suddenly like a helicopter one could lift themselves from the ground into the air... and I panicked... how do you control the jump/flying? I was so afraid that he would fly off forever, or worse come crashing to the ground... but he had full confidence and nothing happened. Luke, who once wanted to show off how to go over the top of the slide, but aimed his feet wrong and split his head open falling several feet, and me stuck not knowing what to do, helpless while he wailed.  Luke or my brother who turns 39 tomorrow, who float off and do reckless impulsive things, with full confidence, and sometimes I amazed and delighted for them... but I am stationed, stuck, panicking. 

I didn't go to church, and by 11:30 or 12:00 I was already feeling like I had wasted the day. I didn't have any motivation and hadn't been productive. By 1PM I decided I could at least get a few chores done before the family event. Dishes, garbage, some vacuuming. And paying attention outside my normal routine in this home always makes me think of E for some reason. I think because she often did more of the cleaning and organizing, it makes me wonder how often she cleaned the shower, or the floors without me even noticing. It makes me wonder what she is doing now, whether she is happy to be gone from this home that we once had together. It makes me sad to think of her sometimes, and how easy it was to nest, how comforting. Reminds me of the love I have for her. And also reminds me that I need to move on with my life. 

Around 2:40 after doing a few spanish lessons (which I have been slacking on), I sped to Minnetonka, listening to the Neighborhood Kids (a group I discovered through insta/tik too protest reels). 

I arrived and only Steve and Colleen were there. Eventually others arrived. It was nice out, but the kids of course jumped in the puddles and mud and we had to move inside. Lots of little ones playing. Mostly a good time, not really centered on Steve much. I don't know how he feels about that. In the beginning of the year its just birthday after birthday, so we see each other more. It was nice.  But also somewhat sensory overwhelm. 

I got home and did laundry, and checked my schedule for the week -which looks very light and doable. (only a couple of busy days).  I don't think I have anything planned. Maybe a walk with my Dad. Maybe I will find an afterwork protest to go to. Maybe get an oil change or something. 

On friday night I stayed in... talked to Illy. 

On Saturday morning I had breakfast with my mom, and then went to a protest with Rachel at Cedar Riverside. It was fun and enthusiastic. International Women's day, celebrated in an immigrant neighborhood. Lots of vitality. It felt really positive. It felt like spring had come. It felt like there was possibility and optimism. Even when the protest dragged and slowed down... it was awesome to see people again. To be around people in groups, to see beauty and art and humor and chanting. It was kind of like going to a concert, a moment of life, and then when I left... it felt a little like going back to something unnatural and alone. I played computer games all night and listened to podcasts. It was fun until it was boring. I miss having love and excitement and connection in my life.

Work has slowed down intentionally. I have basically been intentionally not taking on new clients. I don't honestly know how long it will take to get my business set up. It feels more like June by now... but I am trying to just accept that it will take time, and I can't rush it. I don't need to rush it, or feel stressed. There are real things to worry about. And there are better uses of my energy. I don't want to be lazy, but I also don't need to put undue pressure on myself. Let it come. When it comes, make it feel good. 

One of the podcasts I was listening to last night was Ram Dass talking to a crowd of folks who (it sounds like) were peace/anti-nuclear weapon activists. And they kept expecting him to feel the urgency they felt, and he kept wanting to make excuses or get out of it. But then even on the days or nights he would have made an excuse, sometimes he felt called to show up out of a desire to be around people or enjoy the weather or whatever... and he was basically saying, don't rush or push... just accept that there is a divine timing and you might not want to go and end up there anyway (if you're meant to), or you might want to go and end up missing your alarm (if you're meant to)... and its better to do so with acceptance and openness, than to do so with a sense of should.... and I think I want to work on that as I start this business. There is no timeline, except what I make of it. I have been delaying, maybe there was a reason for that. 

I am trying to be at peace with what comes... accept life as it is, rather than force it to be something it is not... hoping to do that if I ever date again, accept the person as they are, not their potential or what I hope to manipulate them into... it feels ugly and bad, I don't want to be controlling and judgy... I feel bad I have that impact on people. 

I guess that's it... I feel like there are a million things I could do... but if I am not doing them now, that doesn't mean I won't... Im just not there yet. The world moves forward with or without my orchestrating it, what beautiful music we make. 

Now I have to get the laundry, and probably go to bed.  We shall see what the world brings in the next week. 

Marzo

 Steve’s 39th next week. 

We celebrated Odin’s 1st yesterday. 

Overall it was a productive weekend but I felt pretty down for much of it. 

Friday way the day trump and Vance attacked Zelensky in the oval…

Saturday I went to another mirac March, met a coworker there, she gave me cardboard and a sharpie… it’s better to have a sign than no sign. On Saturday morning I helped Dad and miles build a little basketball thing at Home Depot, dad and I walked lake Harriet. Then the protest, then later in the evening I got groceries and scrapbook supplies at Rosedale. Sunday went to church, made smoothie, got a few things done and then went to Ali’s for the birthday party. Played catch and what not with the littles. It’s fun being the uncle. After I got Chinese and then later struggled to sleep. 

I felt lonely most of the weekend (as I am now). Something about doing stuff you want to do, but without someone to come home to. I had a nightmare about some folks, and woke up Sunday feeling kind of in drama. The weekend full of activities still reminded me I was alone, not making progress towards my goals, and kind of just sad. 

Today I had only two clients, so I woke up and did some business stuff, and looked up some things and planned an art project, and watched some tarot videos. I felt more hopeful and productive. Tonight I made dinner, did all the dishes, did some sketches for the art project and finished a bit of the scrapbook. 

 I suspect tomorrow (I have 4 clients), I will do the same. Maybe I’ll even work from home - A little bit of business, a little bit of art or creative, a little bit of work. 

Life is ultimately pretty good. But again… not sure where it is going.  

Vic told me she would call tonight, maybe she’ll give me some ideas. 

On Thursday I might go to a meeting for organizing… on Saturday breakfast with my mom. On Sunday celebrating Steve. 

Wednesday-Friday are busier with work this week… but hopefully it will go ok. 

I have things I need to get done and check off… so that I can move forward. The office is technically mine starting mid May. I kind of also want to go on a vacation though… maybe the business starts in June? 

There is time… I don’t even know why I am bugging out so much… nothing really matters. 

Falling in and out again

Tonight after saying goodbye to gabi (we had scrapbook class) I couldn’t help but notice all the south Minneapolis houses with lights and cool designs and what not. It was dark out, and the snow was melted, and it seemed like a cool place to live. I drove through uptown and grabbed some baklava at Lund’s, and thought about how I wish I had someone to enjoy things with.   

On and off since I got off work I’ve been stifling this desire to write to E… not so much out of desire to connect but out of desire to state my truth in all its ups and downs.  Like I miss so many things, and it was pretty awful towards the end.  Like I over indulged in how good it felt to be a family, and hated it when I couldn’t rely on you to be my adventure buddy. Like I didn’t mind cooking dinner and getting groceries and what not, but I didn’t like that I felt responsible for more than my half…

And on and on and on….

I’m getting closer to my goals with starting a business. It’s scary and exciting… I want to start the next part of my life, but I miss my life too, or what had been my life. I miss having my partner. 

It was far easier to let go when I was hurt or angry… but most of that isn’t present much of the time… I have to remind myself a lot of the time why it had to happen. Remind myself it was a tower moment, and things had to fall apart or we both wouldn’t be free to pursue our paths.  That if it could have worked, it would have… 

But knowing that it felt fated only soothes when I’m hurt or angry, or distracted or hopeful about something else… not much soothes in the lonely times or the boring times, or the times when things feel good and I want someone to share that with. And that sucks. 

Gonna try to finish as much of this business stuff as I can tomorrow, and just turn it in…  not sure when I can set up the new business. But I’ve got a lot of work to do. 

It’s nice to picture this new path forward. Wish I knew what else I could look forward to. 

Lazy sunday

Today I went to church. Did laundry. Wrote to Courtney who I should write back. 

I did not get all my business or financial stuff in order like I had hoped to. A little bit done, but not sure it is even right. I started some of the divesting from Wells Fargo I’ve been meaning to do, but it’s still not fully there. 

I didn’t spend much time outside despite it being close to 50 out. I felt very unmotivated and spend a lot of time on my phone. In church today, they said we were allowed to rest and it didn’t make us bad to do so… but it’s another one of my hang ups. 

I did a little reading on the wounded healer… nothing too revelatory.  I listened to some tarot videos. I listened to some good music. 

This week is the last week of February. Last scrapbooking class on Wednesday. February went quick! 

I’m hoping to start a business in 2-3 months and it takes at least that long to get credentialed. I just need to get all the paperwork done and in… then I can work on the fun creative parts like a website and a personal description and buying stuff…

I don’t know why it all feels so hard. 

Maybe last minute I will abandon this plan and just leave for Southeast Asia for a year. That’s always a possibility right?

I’m a little worried im getting sick. It wouldn’t be so bad to have a reason to take three days off if I could actually get shit done while I was sick. 

Church was really good today. 

I want more positive community in my life.  It would be nice to have a partner. Maybe after I finish this paperwork. 

hsgfafdssfish

 What to do with your imagination today? 

Journal? Predict the future? Write a story that feels less important now that we are living through a coup? A business plan?  Imagining the future during unpredictable times. Reach out to a friend? Recall a memory? 

 

The other day I did a brief journal prompt, 5 alternative lives (life’s?).

It was interesting to have the same exact things come up… the fisherman by the sea, the teacher, the pastor, the writer, the traveler.  I couldn’t think of any others that call me… Maybe I could imagine the communal living guy… family and a garden that I don’t really know how to attend to. A bunch of produce I don’t actually eat. Maybe I could imagine owning a theater or a coffee shop or an art gallery, or a communal space… but all of these are just variations of business and I am already having those difficulties. 

 

One of the things that was startling was that they were all such introverted, non-familial pursuits. I guess I have been in my own head for so long that its hard to imagine a home life.  Maybe that is where me and Elsa were so different. She could only envision home life, and I can only envision a public one? A role?  That’s probably too simplified. 

But what does it mean that when I am asked to imagine a different life it is so hard for me t imagine a family these days… or it isn’t really, its just hard to imagine how that comes about and or leads me forward. It’s not the priority I guess. 

 

It makes me think about what kind of Father I would actually be… if my mind is consumed with role. Would I appear pretty distant and not invested in my kiddos? Would they know I care? Would I be warm? Would they be the center of my world, or just a prong outwards?  And how do I feel about that. I don’t know. 

I suppose, I’ve always assumed I would adapt when the opportunity presented itself, but maybe because I haven’t prioritized it, it hasn’t happened. 

I assume I will meet someone in a magical way (they walk in the door), or become friends with a coworker or something and it will become a relationship (as my most recent experiences have been). I have dreams about people I have loved, and those I will love, and I look for these faces wherever I go. But who knows… maybe they are not real, just an amalgamation of faces I’ve see in the real world. 

 

If we are not imagining, then are we really working towards anything?

Have I taken enough time lately, to just sit and create?

 

At the end of the exercise, the next question was around, what would you do if money weren’t an issue… and the truth is, I’d do more of the same. I’d write, and create, I’d seek out spiritual opportunities and travel, I’d work with people, teach, listen, counsel… I might have a little more security and property and I might use that as a place to hold space for others… but generally, it would be the same.  

I haven’t necessarily given up on the idea of a school, or a community center, or a spiritual center…   or a van by the ocean. I just have more perceived limitations than I used to believe.

But that could change. I’m not pushing it away… just not necessarily reaching. 

This whole business thing has really made me aware of how difficult it is for me to do things that I’m not good at… its like doing math, it’s like doing unwanted logistical legal work… its… tedious and I hate it. Hopefully once it is established, I can get into the habit of the upkeep, and just focus on what I care about… but whatever.

 

 

I’m getting warm in this coffee shop, and I am aware it is getting busier… and my skin is dragging against the surface of the table… and I kind of hate it. I want to be in public spaces for the opportunity, but I also don’t really want to be here anymore. 

 

Maybe my sugar level is dropping and its time to go get groceries or something…

That was more scarcity… what about abundance?  

 

Abundance looks like, knowing spring will come again. 

How To Keep Your Heart Open In Hell - Ram Dass

This is a video I watch repeatedly. It helps center me when I am working. I have watched it so many times that sometimes I think I have it memorized.   

I am trying to remind myself that at this moment I can be both happy and sad. 

I've been really struggling the last few days. People outside of my brain might not recognize that, but it catches in my words which are jumbled or not spoken loudly enough. Its in my stomach which feels uncomfortable. It's in the muscles of my back and neck and shoulder. It's a heaviness in my chest.

A few weeks ago when I was feeling like this my therapist named it survivors guilt. She meant specifically with Elsa, but I feel like in the days and weeks since its only grown larger. 

Survivors guilt, along with secondary trauma, along with being an empath, along with the awareness of my privilege, along with being aware of the history of humans... and not having magic words or actions... or special insight or ability to lead us away from suffering. Gabi reminded me last night that on some level this is the way of things, the natural world, the rise and fall... and it's true. But it doesn't erase the fear people are experiencing. It doesn't erase the anger. It doesn't erase the grief.

In the meantime I am not meeting my own expectations for things... the goals I set... and yet, I am disappointed and really frustrated with how long it is taking to do these simple things. To make decisions, to get answers, to have all my ducks in a row. The ducks are not in rows... for the business. And every day I seem to realize another little hurdle that means they won't be in rows for a little while. 

Like tonight I was looking at liability and malpractice insurance... how much? what does it cover? when can it start?  And it should be the click of a button, but it seems expensive... so I want to find out if there is a better deal somewhere or if someone can guide me through it.

Or, while reading paperwork to get credentialed, realizing I have to make sure my address is the same with IRS, the bank, and everyone else... well, I started the business with my home address, but now I have an office address... so... shit.   

But it's stupid small stuff. 

This week I have been trying to pay more attention to my dreams, and I am not sleeping well. And my dreams seem to be on a spectrum from "tedious" to "oh shit" like the other day I dreamed that the pipes in the house I was renting were all leaking and I couldn't get ahold of the landlord... or a plumber or anyone.

And that sounds right... like hey, I know I should be trying to fix this, but I am in way over my head, and its your stuff, and what the fuck should I do?  (where are the adults?)

And the micro sure is the macro eh?

I think I feel that way with my life too... like I am trying something new, and I need more guidance than I am getting. And at the same time, I feel stupid for asking for help (and then not knowing how to ask for the specific help I need when they tell me something I already know, or that isn't helpful). 

I am not good at feeling dumb. I am terrible at it.    (I feel like a little kid)

So I am constantly distracting myself, and then when I am not distracting myself I am either aware that my body hurts, or aware that I am on the verge of tears... and that has been my week. 

I know I am checking things off my list... its just so slow. I want to get back to things I care about. 

Maybe I don't even want a business... maybe I just want to run away to Malawi. 

Whatever.   (teen mike coming out).

Ok so lets get back briefly to this little kid thing and the survivors guilt.

I feel bad that things are not that bad for me personally... and that everyone else is suffering... because I don't know what to do about it and even though it isn't my responsibility to take care of everyone else, it feels like it is... so I am feeling bad right now because people are hurting for no reason, and this is also just what life is. And I have to accept that. 

But I don't want to. I want to change it. 

Something good could come from all the destruction of the Unites States... it is possible that something better will grow from this wreckage... but it feels awful now and I imagine it will get much worse before it gets better. And its not my responsibility to take on the worlds suffering. And its ok for me to be both happy and sad. Not give away my life, and not become a robot... just accept both.

Stepping into it

What's the it?   

I guess that is the question, can I trust myself and the universe and move forward into new things?

Between the weekend and taking yesterday off, I have been trying to make some moves in my life (primarily about the business). And yet, I keep getting stuck, slowed down, unanticipated barriers, little things I have to learn, little things I just have to take a leap on even though I am not necessarily feeling prepared. Its hard not to live into the disappointment or the frustration with it. Several times I've asked for help from people, or tried to look stuff up online, or made phone calls and gotten nowhere... but I am determined to keep trying.  I am sick of sitting around and hoping things will be different. 

Some things I've been doing, going to the bank and setting up a business account, talking to a consulting group and preparing to get credentialed through them with insurance, checking in with my mom re: what she did, signing up for an email and a phone and a website, calling and emailing regarding liability insurance, going on gov websites to make sure everything is legal, thinking about taxes and researching electronic health records... making lists, and lists, and lists, and post it notes... and signing up for little things I didn't know I needed. 

I am sure I screwed some things up, I've had to backtrack a few times... I'm trying to remind myself that that is normal and that mistakes will be made...all opportunities for growth and learning, but I've never been good at accepting my mistakes -so I suppose some personal growth in having to...

I am hoping to get a bunch of things in place this week, and then quit in May, and be up and running late may/early June.  Its still awhile away, but there is a lot to get in place. 

I probably need to meet with a tax person. Even when I am credentialed with insurance, there will still be hoops to jump through. In my downtime between now and then, I can craft the website and laminate stuff for the office, look at furniture etc. 

So much to do...

All of it is bringing stuff up. A lot of it is bringing up stuff with E... what happens when I level up? Why do I feel guilty for moving forward?   

A good example this past weekend was seeing Hadestown, alone.   I had feelings about the technical issues... but it was a moving performance.  Sitting alone with an empty seat was a constant reminder... each milestone or change without her, is part of the grief, more and more memories without. New life. And its hard. I think in particular its hard when I am feeling alone, or scared, or enjoying life without someone by my side. It makes me question what I am doing stuff for?  Why build a business? Why live here?  Why try ---when I am not exactly sure what it will lead to, and what if cuenca doesn't offer me a partner to live this beautiful life with?   

I'm grounding. I'm cleaning and organizing (though of course not the little cracks and crevices -EG the bathtub could use a good cleaning). But putting things in their place. Trying to imagine, to build, to prepare to build at least. I am heading towards what seems to indicate further success... 

I am hoping that this opens up more opportunities. I think that would be the best way to put it. 

Socially... Its been cold -so I haven't been THAT social.  Might see Pete on Friday. Had chipotle with my Dad and almost screamed at him on Sunday (politics). Talked to my mom a bunch re: business. Saw James at his work yesterday when I went to a protest. Attending a scrapbooking class with Gabi on Wednesdays... attending church on Sundays. But am I doing enough to meet new people?  Am I creating the community I want to live in?

I keep thinking about whether I will ever have a family. The politics right now doesn't make me want to... but its just such a crazy thing to be so sure that would be part of your life, to accepting that maybe it wont be.  Pete is having his third this spring... I mean, I am technically still able to. It's just hard to imagine what that looks like.  As I make decisions re: the business I am also thinking about how that will shape the life I have. My mom was intentional about setting her hours so she could come home to us. She took fridays off later in her career to have more time to rest and travel. My Dad had summers off to take care of us. -I could make a ton of money... or I could just make sure I am doing ok financially and then enjoy life.  I could make this business the vehicle for my mission and values... or I could recognize whatever mission I have is bigger than just that role. 

I could use it as a launch point for other things, like teaching or training... or I could spend my free time writing and being with friends.   Its all up to me once I start it. But where am I driven?

This post has been very intellectualized... it doesn't really feel like its conveying how emotional all of this has been... and I haven't even mentioned how much I've been trying to escape into my phone. Hours and hours a day trying to not feel the feelings I have... and instead trying to get that dopamine. 

I haven't even been writing, or journaling or reading... because if I have the space -Im trying to do business stuff... no extra creative energy...

I should probably be spending more time meditating, getting centered, imagining.

Maybe that will be the goal rather than checking off all the lists?

I dunno. 

Drama

My mind tended towards drama today.

I think the guilt I discussed yesterday of having so much of E's stuff, of wishing things had been different, of wanting to move forward, meet new people, have a life. 

Yesterday being around James' and Ali's kiddos... it just feels like I am missing out on a huge chunk of life. Maybe that won't be for me. But being a single 41 yr old feels kind of pathetic when i am around my family. It's fine... I just wanted to be heading towards something. 

I dunno, maybe its because I feel like I squandered my alone time this weekend. I didn't do much writing or other personal goals. I got the apartment mostly cleaned up. Laundry tomorrow since the neighbors are using it today. Groceries yesterday, ate a lot of fruit and veg to counter the fried foods this weekend. 

Hung out with family and with Illy. Went to church. That is good. But I guess I didn't make any progress on writing thus far, or the little side projects for work or the business. Too much time on the instagram... I think i am averaging like 7 hours or more on my phone each day. Its kind of gross. 

I need someone in my life, that adds. 

Back to the drama...

I stayed up late on the internet last night, and had weird dreams that felt very vivid at the time (I don't recall them now). But I didn't feel very positive in the dreams, didn't feel proud of myself. Then I woke up and even though there was sunlight and I got up in time for church, I wasn't feeling the day. I did my gratitude practices and prayed and all that, and it was ok... but I found myself thinking of all the reasons I am hurt by or angry with E (which isn't how I spend most of my time). It was like I needed to justify why I shouldn't feel guilty, why I shouldn't feel bad for wanting to move forward. 

I found myself trying to explain to some hypothetical stranger that it wasn't my fault, and that I needed to make a change, and that I didn't abandon her... cuz somewhere in me, I still feel very guilty for letting her down. I am mad at her sometimes for making me so responsible (even though it was my choice), because then when I had to make a change, I had all the power. 

Which isn't entirely the case, I mean she did move out without me saying anything, she did un-invite me from a planned trip we had to Rochester, she did criticize me, and make me feel like I was the one not doing enough when I was literally taking care of everything that had to do with us... but its hard because I was in love with her and wanted her to step up... and that just didn't happen.

And I feel bad that I had to have expectations and standards for how I want to be treated... I guess that's what I am saying. I feel bad that I wanted a partner and not a dependent. 

So like I said drama..... drama drama drama. 

The other part is that Hadestown is coming up and I am starting to think I am gonna go... but I don't want to invite anyone. I want to go and cry and feel the grief. I think Im gonna... but I am also scared. and that's stupid but its true. I am scared to go to one of my favorite plays because I know I am gonna feel some heart break, and I feel guilty for going. 

Why do I feel so guilty all the time?  childhood shit of course.  but... I need to not live into this stuff anymore. I am ready to be an adult. I am ready to handle adult shit. 

I was ready to have a relationship... I am mad at her that she basically flung everything in my lap and said I needed to do better to make her happy, when from the the beginning I said I wanted something equal. And I am mad at myself for trying for 2 years because I knew from the beginning, but I didn't want to believe I was right. I tried so hard to make stuff work, but it wasn't enough.  I don't like that I know I choose the wrong people for me. But again, it feels karmic sometimes. Its like... shit, I still have to learn this lesson. 

And all of this is to say. I really do want the best for her. I do. I just also want the best for me, and I feel guilty that choosing myself hurts others. That's not my intention. 

For the most part lately (until these feelings this weekend), I haven't really been in this space. I have been choosing to have faith, and been quite optimistic. Even that little meditation on Friday I was just soooo ok with the fact that pain happens, shit happens, and its not anyones fault... but today drama. 

drama llama back.   

Maybe I'll be able to do some writing now that I've just spilled this... I feel bad for complaining but its the same old shit isn't it?

Another week

 

It is Saturday Feb 8th. James turns 43. From the outside, he has accomplished all of the american goals. Married with 2 kids, a house, cars, retirement plan(presumably), good jobs etc., friends, community, world travel. Is he happy?

We will celebrate at a bowling alley this afternoon.

I came to spyhouse to write my book. I have done some thinking, minimal editing, a little compiling of ideas but no writing yet. Maybe it isn't a writing day, but a thinking day. 

It is snowing and it seems to be creating a clean slate, or at least allows the possibility of that dream. I find old pictures or videos of E and it makes me sad. I want to say I am happy for the time we spent together, but I am also sad, and I don't really get to choose which emotion comes when. 

Gabs and I started a scrapbooking community ed class, but spent the whole time talking politics while looking at old photos. I chose to document the Atacama Desert part of the south america trip... seems like a lively set of photos at least. I really enjoyed it. She is excited for the class. I feel like it offers us the space and some tools, but I wish I had more people coming over into my space and maybe it can turn into that eventually. With E, sometimes it felt like we didn't have enough space, but now that I am alone I barely use half of it.  The living room entirely reminds me of her, its her Dad's couch and elliptical, her tv. Its all her. 

Its weird that way. I kind of wish I hadn't bought the stuff from her, even though it seemed to be helpful for both of us at the time. I guess in its current configuration, I just have all this stuff that reminds me of her. My furniture and stuff doubled at least.  How do I take that into a new relationship without feeling conflicted? I haven't heard from her in a while... That's what she said would happen, but it feels odd. If that is what is best, fine... but its hard sometimes too. Hard when you have incorporated someone into yourself, and your future, and then realize you have to let go of all of that... even if the remnants are left in your space, the hugs and scratches are still on your heart. The mind... ooh. I hope she is happy, send positive vibes daily. But also, I want to move forward in my life.

Keep finding myself returning to the Frusciante quote "wide pain in the blue-white break up, all paths divide, life has a way of opening up." I first fell in love with that cd on a class trip to Italy in high school. Getting close to so many people, experiencing so much with them, and then having to go back to normal. I think the blue-white break up has always felt like waves crashing on the shore to me, the Mediterranean... but I don't think he was thinking of that. All paths divide. Life and death, change is inevitable. Life has a way of opening up... becoming bigger, growing, changing always, even in death we decay and give way to new life. And its painful still. Its painful, but necessary. 

Yesterday I did a meditation off a youtube video and just felt sooooo part of everything, and also distant and aware and it was all perfect. Even the awful parts...but later in the day, listening to people's pain, I still felt sucked into the drama of life... Ram Dass says that its important to do both, to see the perfect, and to be compassionate with the suffering. Its all curriculum for the soul, but we don't grow without being part of it. Sandpaper transforming us into ourselves. 

It was a hard work week with the politics, but generally life (for many people) seems to be moving forward... and me too. ... don't be stuck in the past -Seems like that will happen now that I have decided on an office space. It is probably more than I should*be spending but who cares. I could probably find something better and bigger, but again who cares.  More space just means more to fill.   I chose office 311 *though it hasn't been confirmed yet. I am taking that as a sign... maybe I will throw some 311 quotes on the wall or something. I think if I can do about 20 sessions on average a week I'll still be fine financially. If I need to add more I can. If I need to subtract, I can. Its not set in stone... its all mine to play with. Maybe I will be bored and want more clients. 

This week at work was very slow, so I shredded a bunch of notes, and made copies of stuff. I bought a new laminator I haven't used yet. Preparing. 

Need to open a bank account for the business. Need to start figuring out how to prep for taxes. 

Gave myself a hair cut and it helped with the self consciousness I have been feeling. I need to keep it clean. Not a lot going on, and yet, so much. Today writing, groceries? laundry?  time with family... Tomorrow, Church and a movie with Illy.  

Not a lot... and yet my shoulders are raised and my anxiety flows through my body. 

I know its probably too early... though who knows how long a person is suppose to wait... its been 4 months, but I often think about how little opportunity I have to meet new people. The tarot videos are always like, hey your person is coming... and I'm like, hard for them to meet me when I do nothing but go to work and then go home.    I think that is part of the reason I try to go out on the weekends even if I don't feel social or don't think it will amount to anything. The possibilities are there. 

Anyway... I have nothing to say, I am avoiding the purpose of being here. I also seem to be developing a head ache. Yay

Forward

 

Sunday night... I am starting to picture a path forward. I am gonna get an office and start my business. Meet new people. Try new things. Its exciting, and its hard to focus on other stuff. 

I am listening to tarot videos and they keep telling me its gonna be really positive. I know that its silly, but its weird how sometimes it just seems to match. Leaving things behind, moving forward. The fools journey, a karmic cycle completed. Time to move into the next thing.  "A lot of green lights coming from the tarot deck." 

Today I visited a friend's family mansion home in Whittier, and it had so much potential... just a few blocks from my place, a beautiful space, but I wasn't really wanting to sign on board. Of course it was a cool place, but I want to get out of this old pattern. I love this apartment, but I need something else. I don't want to work at my current job anymore, I want to put my energy and interest into something new... I am hopeful about this part of life. I am optimistic about a future. 

I'm sitting here, getting excited. Difficulty concentrating on anything else. Ready to start a new journey... and I am craving, like deeply craving something connective to ground this energy, a love, a mission, a moment of light from the heavens beaming down... or whatever  and then suddenly burst into tears... because I wanted this with E, this excitement, this world of freedom and possibility, and there just wasn't anyway to make it happen. 

And I'm sad, and kind of mad at her that she couldn't change, or that we couldn't change to make things work.  

And some part of me feels karma intervened... and I know that seems weird and disempowering, but I am so sad, and also so ready to not feel stuck anymore.  

Of course she is the first person I want to tell. I don't get to anymore. 

It kind of takes the whole excitement down a notch... I know I shouldn't dwell, but Cuenca Dear a question, kna mean? 

Generally I feel very good. I feel motivated. I feel ready. I feel like I am gonna have a terrible time trying to decorate -because I don't really know how. 

First of the month

Its Febrero, some folks hate this month cuz its cold and dull. But I like that it is short, a slightly easier step, like "hey, take it easy. I know it's hard."  It's James' birthday month, not that we are great at celebrating him. 

It's the second week of the tyrant's 2025 project. They aren't trying to hide that anymore. I am not angry this morning, so I won't get too far into that. I am more like... how do we celebrate humanity and creation?

I am likely gonna go to a protest today in South Minneapolis. I wanted to write, but my brain isn't awake enough yet, and even though I like going to coffee shops (I am at spy house right now), it feels a bit too loud and lively -Can't hear my own thoughts that well.  Maybe I should trust the muse and let it take me, just spit out words until something new is created.

Its a month of making decisions and following through. I am going to find an office and start the private practice. I am going to keep writing. I am going to pray with my feet when given easy opportunities. I am going to post stuff if I need to. I am going to invest in myself and others. 

What does that really mean? I don't know, but I don't want to get bogged down too much. I want to trust that I will make the most of whatever comes, and I am a little sick of being in the hanged man position... ready for some fool energy. I think having a next step, even if it isn't perfect will improve my mindset and help me invest in things. 

So this month, what do we got... a new community ed class with Gabi on wednesdays...  potential office spaces to sign up for... Folks to prepare and either bring over or let go... some contracts to sign - to get credentialed.   

So the deal with the offices so far:

A)  there is a building over by 280 St. Anthony Park neighborhood of St. Paul, that is being redone to make therapy offices. I went and visited it on Thursday and its really under construction right now, so it's hard to fully see the vision of the place. But I like the idea of it. I like the location, a change, something new. I like the idea of being around a bunch of other professionals, built in capacity for consultation, new people, many who are already running private practices (mentors?).  It feels like a great concept, the only problem (as far as I've seen), ok maybe two problems... one - costs, but when I have looked at other spaces in minneapolis area it feels comparable, so two - I don't like that the air ducts are so prominent in the spaces with windows... I think because it is an empty space they stand out, and that likely won't be that big of a deal once there is furniture and decorations, but right now, they seem kind of in your face. I like the modernized industrial look, but it's a little much when there is nothing else to look at. So I need to get creative with how to use it. I think that's the key. But it also gives me the idea over and over of not seeking perfection, of just acknowledging there will always be flaws... and it's ok to work with them rather than staying stuck.  So I guess that space is giving me that mindset. 

B) My old coworker has offered to show me a space she is hoping to convert into offices. Apparently her family owns one of the mansions in my neighborhood. She reached out the night I was considering the other one... so now I am gonna go check that out. If it feels perfect, maybe I'll reconsider my position. I am potentially locked into my lease until Oct 2025 anyway... maybe I should just embrace the neighborhood again... it would likely be cheaper... likely a style I'd prefer.... very close to my place... could be the jump off point... for something later... but I think you could probably hear in my voice that I am ready for a change. 

Excited to get away and try something else. I need to put myself in new spaces to have new experiences, its true everywhere I go, there I am... but also I need opportunities to experiences different parts of me, and I can't do that if I always go with the same old thing. 

This morning some TikTok or something had Adele's "Someone Like You"  and it made me think about E, and letting go, and looking forward. Not an easy thing, but even more difficult if I leave everything the same. 

There is a lot to do no matter what, still some life to live (presumably). "Darlin there's no way to know, which way your heart will go"   as Mason Jennings would say...

I am hoping it continues to expand, find space, hold space, flow with the times.