Forward

 

Sunday night... I am starting to picture a path forward. I am gonna get an office and start my business. Meet new people. Try new things. Its exciting, and its hard to focus on other stuff. 

I am listening to tarot videos and they keep telling me its gonna be really positive. I know that its silly, but its weird how sometimes it just seems to match. Leaving things behind, moving forward. The fools journey, a karmic cycle completed. Time to move into the next thing.  "A lot of green lights coming from the tarot deck." 

Today I visited a friend's family mansion home in Whittier, and it had so much potential... just a few blocks from my place, a beautiful space, but I wasn't really wanting to sign on board. Of course it was a cool place, but I want to get out of this old pattern. I love this apartment, but I need something else. I don't want to work at my current job anymore, I want to put my energy and interest into something new... I am hopeful about this part of life. I am optimistic about a future. 

I'm sitting here, getting excited. Difficulty concentrating on anything else. Ready to start a new journey... and I am craving, like deeply craving something connective to ground this energy, a love, a mission, a moment of light from the heavens beaming down... or whatever  and then suddenly burst into tears... because I wanted this with E, this excitement, this world of freedom and possibility, and there just wasn't anyway to make it happen. 

And I'm sad, and kind of mad at her that she couldn't change, or that we couldn't change to make things work.  

And some part of me feels karma intervened... and I know that seems weird and disempowering, but I am so sad, and also so ready to not feel stuck anymore.  

Of course she is the first person I want to tell. I don't get to anymore. 

It kind of takes the whole excitement down a notch... I know I shouldn't dwell, but Cuenca Dear a question, kna mean? 

Generally I feel very good. I feel motivated. I feel ready. I feel like I am gonna have a terrible time trying to decorate -because I don't really know how.