Stepping into it

What's the it?   

I guess that is the question, can I trust myself and the universe and move forward into new things?

Between the weekend and taking yesterday off, I have been trying to make some moves in my life (primarily about the business). And yet, I keep getting stuck, slowed down, unanticipated barriers, little things I have to learn, little things I just have to take a leap on even though I am not necessarily feeling prepared. Its hard not to live into the disappointment or the frustration with it. Several times I've asked for help from people, or tried to look stuff up online, or made phone calls and gotten nowhere... but I am determined to keep trying.  I am sick of sitting around and hoping things will be different. 

Some things I've been doing, going to the bank and setting up a business account, talking to a consulting group and preparing to get credentialed through them with insurance, checking in with my mom re: what she did, signing up for an email and a phone and a website, calling and emailing regarding liability insurance, going on gov websites to make sure everything is legal, thinking about taxes and researching electronic health records... making lists, and lists, and lists, and post it notes... and signing up for little things I didn't know I needed. 

I am sure I screwed some things up, I've had to backtrack a few times... I'm trying to remind myself that that is normal and that mistakes will be made...all opportunities for growth and learning, but I've never been good at accepting my mistakes -so I suppose some personal growth in having to...

I am hoping to get a bunch of things in place this week, and then quit in May, and be up and running late may/early June.  Its still awhile away, but there is a lot to get in place. 

I probably need to meet with a tax person. Even when I am credentialed with insurance, there will still be hoops to jump through. In my downtime between now and then, I can craft the website and laminate stuff for the office, look at furniture etc. 

So much to do...

All of it is bringing stuff up. A lot of it is bringing up stuff with E... what happens when I level up? Why do I feel guilty for moving forward?   

A good example this past weekend was seeing Hadestown, alone.   I had feelings about the technical issues... but it was a moving performance.  Sitting alone with an empty seat was a constant reminder... each milestone or change without her, is part of the grief, more and more memories without. New life. And its hard. I think in particular its hard when I am feeling alone, or scared, or enjoying life without someone by my side. It makes me question what I am doing stuff for?  Why build a business? Why live here?  Why try ---when I am not exactly sure what it will lead to, and what if cuenca doesn't offer me a partner to live this beautiful life with?   

I'm grounding. I'm cleaning and organizing (though of course not the little cracks and crevices -EG the bathtub could use a good cleaning). But putting things in their place. Trying to imagine, to build, to prepare to build at least. I am heading towards what seems to indicate further success... 

I am hoping that this opens up more opportunities. I think that would be the best way to put it. 

Socially... Its been cold -so I haven't been THAT social.  Might see Pete on Friday. Had chipotle with my Dad and almost screamed at him on Sunday (politics). Talked to my mom a bunch re: business. Saw James at his work yesterday when I went to a protest. Attending a scrapbooking class with Gabi on Wednesdays... attending church on Sundays. But am I doing enough to meet new people?  Am I creating the community I want to live in?

I keep thinking about whether I will ever have a family. The politics right now doesn't make me want to... but its just such a crazy thing to be so sure that would be part of your life, to accepting that maybe it wont be.  Pete is having his third this spring... I mean, I am technically still able to. It's just hard to imagine what that looks like.  As I make decisions re: the business I am also thinking about how that will shape the life I have. My mom was intentional about setting her hours so she could come home to us. She took fridays off later in her career to have more time to rest and travel. My Dad had summers off to take care of us. -I could make a ton of money... or I could just make sure I am doing ok financially and then enjoy life.  I could make this business the vehicle for my mission and values... or I could recognize whatever mission I have is bigger than just that role. 

I could use it as a launch point for other things, like teaching or training... or I could spend my free time writing and being with friends.   Its all up to me once I start it. But where am I driven?

This post has been very intellectualized... it doesn't really feel like its conveying how emotional all of this has been... and I haven't even mentioned how much I've been trying to escape into my phone. Hours and hours a day trying to not feel the feelings I have... and instead trying to get that dopamine. 

I haven't even been writing, or journaling or reading... because if I have the space -Im trying to do business stuff... no extra creative energy...

I should probably be spending more time meditating, getting centered, imagining.

Maybe that will be the goal rather than checking off all the lists?

I dunno.