This is a video I watch repeatedly. It helps center me when I am working. I have watched it so many times that sometimes I think I have it memorized.
I am trying to remind myself that at this moment I can be both happy and sad.
I've been really struggling the last few days. People outside of my brain might not recognize that, but it catches in my words which are jumbled or not spoken loudly enough. Its in my stomach which feels uncomfortable. It's in the muscles of my back and neck and shoulder. It's a heaviness in my chest.
A few weeks ago when I was feeling like this my therapist named it survivors guilt. She meant specifically with Elsa, but I feel like in the days and weeks since its only grown larger.
Survivors guilt, along with secondary trauma, along with being an empath, along with the awareness of my privilege, along with being aware of the history of humans... and not having magic words or actions... or special insight or ability to lead us away from suffering. Gabi reminded me last night that on some level this is the way of things, the natural world, the rise and fall... and it's true. But it doesn't erase the fear people are experiencing. It doesn't erase the anger. It doesn't erase the grief.
In the meantime I am not meeting my own expectations for things... the goals I set... and yet, I am disappointed and really frustrated with how long it is taking to do these simple things. To make decisions, to get answers, to have all my ducks in a row. The ducks are not in rows... for the business. And every day I seem to realize another little hurdle that means they won't be in rows for a little while.
Like tonight I was looking at liability and malpractice insurance... how much? what does it cover? when can it start? And it should be the click of a button, but it seems expensive... so I want to find out if there is a better deal somewhere or if someone can guide me through it.
Or, while reading paperwork to get credentialed, realizing I have to make sure my address is the same with IRS, the bank, and everyone else... well, I started the business with my home address, but now I have an office address... so... shit.
But it's stupid small stuff.
This week I have been trying to pay more attention to my dreams, and I am not sleeping well. And my dreams seem to be on a spectrum from "tedious" to "oh shit" like the other day I dreamed that the pipes in the house I was renting were all leaking and I couldn't get ahold of the landlord... or a plumber or anyone.
And that sounds right... like hey, I know I should be trying to fix this, but I am in way over my head, and its your stuff, and what the fuck should I do? (where are the adults?)
And the micro sure is the macro eh?
I think I feel that way with my life too... like I am trying something new, and I need more guidance than I am getting. And at the same time, I feel stupid for asking for help (and then not knowing how to ask for the specific help I need when they tell me something I already know, or that isn't helpful).
I am not good at feeling dumb. I am terrible at it. (I feel like a little kid)
So I am constantly distracting myself, and then when I am not distracting myself I am either aware that my body hurts, or aware that I am on the verge of tears... and that has been my week.
I know I am checking things off my list... its just so slow. I want to get back to things I care about.
Maybe I don't even want a business... maybe I just want to run away to Malawi.
Whatever. (teen mike coming out).
Ok so lets get back briefly to this little kid thing and the survivors guilt.
I feel bad that things are not that bad for me personally... and that everyone else is suffering... because I don't know what to do about it and even though it isn't my responsibility to take care of everyone else, it feels like it is... so I am feeling bad right now because people are hurting for no reason, and this is also just what life is. And I have to accept that.
But I don't want to. I want to change it.
Something good could come from all the destruction of the Unites States... it is possible that something better will grow from this wreckage... but it feels awful now and I imagine it will get much worse before it gets better. And its not my responsibility to take on the worlds suffering. And its ok for me to be both happy and sad. Not give away my life, and not become a robot... just accept both.
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