Tonight after saying goodbye to gabi (we had scrapbook class) I couldn’t help but notice all the south Minneapolis houses with lights and cool designs and what not. It was dark out, and the snow was melted, and it seemed like a cool place to live. I drove through uptown and grabbed some baklava at Lund’s, and thought about how I wish I had someone to enjoy things with.
On and off since I got off work I’ve been stifling this desire to write to E… not so much out of desire to connect but out of desire to state my truth in all its ups and downs. Like I miss so many things, and it was pretty awful towards the end. Like I over indulged in how good it felt to be a family, and hated it when I couldn’t rely on you to be my adventure buddy. Like I didn’t mind cooking dinner and getting groceries and what not, but I didn’t like that I felt responsible for more than my half…
And on and on and on….
I’m getting closer to my goals with starting a business. It’s scary and exciting… I want to start the next part of my life, but I miss my life too, or what had been my life. I miss having my partner.
It was far easier to let go when I was hurt or angry… but most of that isn’t present much of the time… I have to remind myself a lot of the time why it had to happen. Remind myself it was a tower moment, and things had to fall apart or we both wouldn’t be free to pursue our paths. That if it could have worked, it would have…
But knowing that it felt fated only soothes when I’m hurt or angry, or distracted or hopeful about something else… not much soothes in the lonely times or the boring times, or the times when things feel good and I want someone to share that with. And that sucks.
Gonna try to finish as much of this business stuff as I can tomorrow, and just turn it in… not sure when I can set up the new business. But I’ve got a lot of work to do.
It’s nice to picture this new path forward. Wish I knew what else I could look forward to.
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