It's about 9 pm on the day of day light savings, which means its actually 8, but it feels later...
Today was kind of an odd day. I ate pizza and donuts for dinner yesterday and they of course fucked with my stomach all night, so i didn't sleep well. I forgot it was day light savings, so when I tried to wake up for the first church service I was exhausted and decided I would go to the 11 AM. Then I didn't set an alarm but woke up a few times with time to spare, and they woke up at 10:30 still feeling tired, and decided I wouldn't make it. I stayed in bed on my phone till roughly noon.
I had some strange dreams, the two I remember (now) were even more odd because they involved Luke... who might have been a stand in for steve... or someone, but regardless they were odd. Dreams are one of the reasons I enjoy sleeping in, but usually when I do, I feel braindead and have a headache all day. In one, Luke was showing me how to hack someones phone and see all the things they get up to. I spent my time nervous, worried about being judged. In the other, he was showing a group of us how to fly. Which was weird. It basically required a handstand into a twisting bicycle kick, and suddenly like a helicopter one could lift themselves from the ground into the air... and I panicked... how do you control the jump/flying? I was so afraid that he would fly off forever, or worse come crashing to the ground... but he had full confidence and nothing happened. Luke, who once wanted to show off how to go over the top of the slide, but aimed his feet wrong and split his head open falling several feet, and me stuck not knowing what to do, helpless while he wailed. Luke or my brother who turns 39 tomorrow, who float off and do reckless impulsive things, with full confidence, and sometimes I amazed and delighted for them... but I am stationed, stuck, panicking.
I didn't go to church, and by 11:30 or 12:00 I was already feeling like I had wasted the day. I didn't have any motivation and hadn't been productive. By 1PM I decided I could at least get a few chores done before the family event. Dishes, garbage, some vacuuming. And paying attention outside my normal routine in this home always makes me think of E for some reason. I think because she often did more of the cleaning and organizing, it makes me wonder how often she cleaned the shower, or the floors without me even noticing. It makes me wonder what she is doing now, whether she is happy to be gone from this home that we once had together. It makes me sad to think of her sometimes, and how easy it was to nest, how comforting. Reminds me of the love I have for her. And also reminds me that I need to move on with my life.
Around 2:40 after doing a few spanish lessons (which I have been slacking on), I sped to Minnetonka, listening to the Neighborhood Kids (a group I discovered through insta/tik too protest reels).
I arrived and only Steve and Colleen were there. Eventually others arrived. It was nice out, but the kids of course jumped in the puddles and mud and we had to move inside. Lots of little ones playing. Mostly a good time, not really centered on Steve much. I don't know how he feels about that. In the beginning of the year its just birthday after birthday, so we see each other more. It was nice. But also somewhat sensory overwhelm.
I got home and did laundry, and checked my schedule for the week -which looks very light and doable. (only a couple of busy days). I don't think I have anything planned. Maybe a walk with my Dad. Maybe I will find an afterwork protest to go to. Maybe get an oil change or something.
On friday night I stayed in... talked to Illy.
On Saturday morning I had breakfast with my mom, and then went to a protest with Rachel at Cedar Riverside. It was fun and enthusiastic. International Women's day, celebrated in an immigrant neighborhood. Lots of vitality. It felt really positive. It felt like spring had come. It felt like there was possibility and optimism. Even when the protest dragged and slowed down... it was awesome to see people again. To be around people in groups, to see beauty and art and humor and chanting. It was kind of like going to a concert, a moment of life, and then when I left... it felt a little like going back to something unnatural and alone. I played computer games all night and listened to podcasts. It was fun until it was boring. I miss having love and excitement and connection in my life.
Work has slowed down intentionally. I have basically been intentionally not taking on new clients. I don't honestly know how long it will take to get my business set up. It feels more like June by now... but I am trying to just accept that it will take time, and I can't rush it. I don't need to rush it, or feel stressed. There are real things to worry about. And there are better uses of my energy. I don't want to be lazy, but I also don't need to put undue pressure on myself. Let it come. When it comes, make it feel good.
One of the podcasts I was listening to last night was Ram Dass talking to a crowd of folks who (it sounds like) were peace/anti-nuclear weapon activists. And they kept expecting him to feel the urgency they felt, and he kept wanting to make excuses or get out of it. But then even on the days or nights he would have made an excuse, sometimes he felt called to show up out of a desire to be around people or enjoy the weather or whatever... and he was basically saying, don't rush or push... just accept that there is a divine timing and you might not want to go and end up there anyway (if you're meant to), or you might want to go and end up missing your alarm (if you're meant to)... and its better to do so with acceptance and openness, than to do so with a sense of should.... and I think I want to work on that as I start this business. There is no timeline, except what I make of it. I have been delaying, maybe there was a reason for that.
I am trying to be at peace with what comes... accept life as it is, rather than force it to be something it is not... hoping to do that if I ever date again, accept the person as they are, not their potential or what I hope to manipulate them into... it feels ugly and bad, I don't want to be controlling and judgy... I feel bad I have that impact on people.
I guess that's it... I feel like there are a million things I could do... but if I am not doing them now, that doesn't mean I won't... Im just not there yet. The world moves forward with or without my orchestrating it, what beautiful music we make.
Now I have to get the laundry, and probably go to bed. We shall see what the world brings in the next week.
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