Saturday

I find my time and location becoming very routine. I sit in the same spots. I run the same errands. Traverse the same landscapes. 

Today it was wake up, sit in the same spot at the table, go to spy house, sit in the same spot, doing laundry like I do every weekend, sit in the same spot, go to the grocery store to buy the same things I buy every week, (I am trying a slightly different spot but with I was in bed).  I will probably continue this for the next few hours... same spots, same energy. Nothing new or different. 

Its not that I feel stuck, its just the same. I actually feel very optimistic and confident today -at least for now. Getting chores and errands done. Going to dinner and a play with my Mom later.  

Church tomorrow, maybe a protest, got a bunch of work to do... same old. 

Earlier this week I had a hard time "recovering" from that weird ecstatic state. I was drained and exhausted for much of Monday-Wednesday. I had busy days at work this week, and will again next week. I've taken on three new clients in the last month or so, and will have three intakes this week... so it feels very busy. No more sitting around watching the news and playing tetris while at work. 

It will be ok. When I leave, I'll have enough people to bring with me... that's the hope anyway. 

But as I said... sameness. home life is not that different. I am cat sitting and I find it a little annoying some of the time. The way the cat wakes me up... the way it won't leave me alone and always wants attention... but what else am I doing?  

I walked to Spyhouse today, and by the time it filled up, I was already annoyed with being there. I don't enjoy the coffeeshop scene as much as I used to, I guess?   Maybe that means I am happy at home. Maybe all along I was going to coffee shops because otherwise I was stuck in my one bedroom and lonely... Avoiding my roommates? Maybe I like my own company and have more than enough space to spread out now. I really do. And most of the time after eating, I go right into my room and sit or lay in bed. The couch is fine, but its less comfy... I guess. I am a creature of habit. 

Grief this week has been weird. On wednesday I watched severance season 2 (spoilers) and balled my eyes out when it came to the scene about the miscarriage. I missed E, and I missed what could have been, and I was so sad about what we experienced together (for much of the relationship). I found myself on the floor crying, telling myself "you're ok, its ok." and I knew that it was true. I knew it was true that it was ok to cry and be sad, and also that I would get through it and be ok. 

Today i was watching a tarot video and the lady was basically saying you needed to learn that lesson, now you'll recognize you can have what you want without having to sacrifice to please someone... will I learn that lesson?  Isn't there always compromise?   I thought I was compromising, but as I did dishes and listened to the tarot lady, it was really clear to me that by the end -thats not at all what it felt like. I felt like I was doing all the work... and being asked to sacrifice more. I know that wasn't intentional. I don't hold it against her, but I lost trust that we could have that all in relationship I was hoping for. 

It makes me sad though. On the radio, someone said "bride of 35 years..." and I thought, I'll probably never have that. I dunno, maybe that's poor thinking. I guess, I'd be in my 70s... 

I have a client who is experiencing decline -he is in his 60s. He has a son who just turned 18. He said to me yesterday, I know he is angry at me for being older, he wishes, and I wished that I would have been a younger parent.  -well... I will be in that position if I ever have a kid. 

I don't mean to make this a woe is me.  I think having more clients and being pressured a bit will get me out of my feelings of 'the end is near.'  The news is just awful.  It genuinely feels like our country is being gutted and twisted into something even more evil... and I guess I worry that we don't have the dreams to turn it back. Don't have the guts to hold people accountable to integrity. The system is so heavily weighed in their favor, that its bound to slide off into the deep end of yuck...

On a happier note.  I am moving forward with my business. I have good friends. I have things I am looking forward to. There is a lot of enjoyable stuff out there.  I might look into spiritual direction as the next training... I feel like its something I'd like to add to my website and say... hey, this can be something we talk about -and feel like I have the certification (even though it isn't a certifying area)...Another thing to add... I'll be a real existential therapist if only...

But I feel more confident in almost every area of life that I am currently managing. Life in all these areas feels content/positive?    Sure, I wish i was more creative and motivated to follow through, wish sometimes, that I was more involved in community. But at the same time, maybe I don't... Maybe I am an introvert and need to spend my time alone -or recovering from all the energy I expend. 

I dunno. The next thing? 

I wish I had an extra weekend day.  Next week is gonna be a lot of paperwork. 3 DAs!!!! But no perfectionism... that's the goal. Just do what ya can.