Mid March

(This was started Saturday March 15th while at a coffee shop with Rachel) I’m craving something real. Restless for it. This morning I woke up and felt uninspired to do the things I need to do. It was supposed to rain, so I cancelled my plans with my Dad to go for a walk. It sprinkled, but a true rain never arrived. So I sat drinking coffee thinking about what I was supposed to do with my day. Spanish, taxes, work, business stuff… these things meant nothing but toil. Not worth the little effort I could muster intellectually. Stuff to put off. I did the dishes and became more restless, I brainstormed ideas for a junk journal. Gathered materials. Listened to some Led Zeppelin. But I couldn’t sit still, so when Rachel asked to meet at a coffee shop I jumped at the opportunity.

She delayed, so I shopped at the quarry (more art supplies), and listened to this new artist I found on Instagram, fairy like music. Madilyn Mai? 

I arrived at the destination and made another list of the same old things, but continued to feel restless, feel likes something was wrong, not quite as it should be. The day is gray and rainy, and it feels like something is supposed to happen, but will it?

I started reading a few chapters from the Anthropocene Reviewed, gosh I love his writing. The first was about bacteria and antibiotics. The second was about “academic decathlon” but was really about the people who love you and make you a better person. The subtle allusions to someone who had impacted his life so much. The subtle allusions to times and places that felt real, that felt memorable, worthwhile.  And then the recognition that time continues for better and worse. You can read in John Green’s writing his anxiety, and also his heart, and both come across so profoundly. I started crying. It was the mix of him talking about his time at boarding school, remembrances of looking for Alaska, Covid fear and uncertainty, isolation and connection to something larger.  A woman walked into the coffee shop and from a far looked cute to beautiful, and I imagined a relationship and a connection, and then felt like I was betraying E. And then had to go through the motions of reminding myself that the grief just is what it is… I don’t owe anything to her. And yet, it was odd.  Illy told me last night that E had said she missed me, and it brought another wave of that loyalty to a relationship months ago. Mostly simply, I remind myself, she didn’t even wish you happy birthday. You don’t owe anything to someone who doesn’t care… but knowing that she does, but can’t communicate makes it difficult. And still. I couldn’t move forward with my life, despite loving her, I didn’t feel like we were partnering in a way to make a future. She got her passport renewed only after we’d broken up. 2 years of me asking on and off, did nothing. 

Rachel says she is going to Vietnam in April for three weeks. I’m having a hard time imagining a trip.  My therapist says plan so you have something to look forward to. (Continued March 16th at night at home).   Rachel and I had a discussion about how I’m struggling to commit to things in the future because of the uncertainty of the moment. I’m trying to recreate foundations, and she was trying to remind me that when I travel I remind myself who I am.  She wanted to go camping sometime this summer… I’m having a hard time picturing the next few months without assuming they will be difficult and stressful.   

After all, my plan is to start a new business. Then find a new home and move. In between maybe a trip. Ali’s wedding. Who knows what will happen with the country. 

I went for a walk yesterday with dad (I was having a hard time motivating myself to do anything (same with today )) and I talked his ear off about the state of the world and politics. 

Today I went to church and it was good. Got Costco. Did a few things then laid in bed for several hours and fell asleep. Then did my taxes and made dinner. 2k+ there goes a pay check. Attempted to start a DA before the internet cut out. I’m considering taking more clients since my numbers are so low. 

This week?  I need to do an eye exam and probably get new glasses. I should probably get a check up. All these things before I lose my current insurance. 

Need to buy stuff for the business. 

Need to put things on the calendar so that time doesn’t just go by without anything to show. 

I’m happy to get my taxes done early for me. 

I’m struck by how often the grief has been hitting me lately. Even the idea of moving is now so sad… a few months ago I was ready to get out. Now Im sad about how this place has become mine… and still it’s missing something. 

The weekend was a tough one for grief. I think because now I have time on my hands and no major destination… or project. I’m trying to start my own little art projects and a business and occasionally some writing… but all these self directed things are so hard. 

At least with the protests (each weekend for the past month or so) and the open houses when I was looking for two months, I had outside dates and locations… something to fill the void. But I’m at home. And it’s quiet uptown (as the song goes). I miss her. I miss a lot of our life together. But more than that, I miss having a direction for my life something foundational and aspirational. 

I don’t really have that, and the ways I do have it now, feel misaligned. It’s nice that Rachel calls me out on my shit, but the agitation isn’t always wanted in that way. 

When I have family obligations, I can fulfill them, but I don’t have a partner to share it all with. 

When I’m honest about the last few months before we broke up, I didn’t feel like I had that then either. I keep going back to some of the hurtful things she said that eroded my trust in her… and it was like, where did the world we had developed together go?

I keep thinking I’m ready for the next chapter, but I’m not sure I’m ready for anything.  All the tarot videos were call outs this weekend…. Hey, do the thing you keep feeling you’re not ready for.. I’m not sure how. I’m not sure what I’m willing or able to change other than what I’m already doing. 

I did an intro session to spiritual direction the other day and it was really nice. But I’m not sure that’s my jam either. I mean, I loved being able to talk openly about faith. But I don’t think I’m

Ready to retool just yet. Maybe once I establish the business and move out of my apartment… maybe then the next chapter will be a new type of therapy or something? 

But I don’t know. In the mean time… it’s a lot of sitting around and waiting.