I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I get exhausted and want to go to bed early like 8 or 9. I lay in bed with a heat pad- its after dinner, and I don’t feel motivated to do all those things I am supposed to do to stay healthy, like exercise, or journal, or read, or do art, or talk to a friend. Instead I pull the blankets over me and scroll on my phone, fall asleep randomly. Wake up, brush my teeth, can’t get back to sleep until 11 or midnight. Then wake again at 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 6:20, 6:30, 7… today is Tuesday and I didn’t have any morning appointments. No reason to get out of bed… I was invested in my dreams which were not comforting. I don’t recall them. I just know that they were business, or logistics, or tension, and completely without warmth.
Last night I had a nightmare in which someone was in bed with me. I awoke and was scared there was someone in the apartment, a notion quickly dispelled. It was quiet. My own breathing probably woke me up.
Is it stomach pain, back and hip pain, snoring? I don’t know. I should get a sleep study done. I probably haven’t slept through the night routinely in ages. Maybe I should take a sleeping pill, minimally zzzquil? Maybe I should take a sleep med instead of a caffeine pill in the morning?
I woke up feeling not rested and not very motivated or hopeful. I had hoped to accomplish something bigger today since I have a bunch of time… maybe get an eye exam, buy a computer, turn in my paperwork for the business(waiting on IRS), create the website. Maybe I will do that after this… or just read.
I don’t have any clients until 3pm. Its nearing 11:30 am and I walked myself to the coffee shop. My muscles ache. Am I dehydrated? Yesterday I had two clients, and had to finish a DA between them. It took me hours, but I got basically everything done. There isn’t much sense of urgency, I have time… I have too much time.
Yesterday morning I felt more hopeful, felt like there were opportunities and I just needed to grasp them. Move forward regardless. By midday I was feeling like time was going too fast. Hard to slow down. By 6:30 last night I had already eaten dinner and watched the news, and I was just done...
I want to go see some Shakespeare at the Guthrie, but I don’t really want to invite any of my friends. I asked Dad, and he said the whole deaf thing would probably keep him from enjoying it. I am asking my Mom, but I assume she will be out of town. Maybe a brother? The protest thing is still appealing, but it looks like the next big ones will be the end of the month. They are starting to do weekly protests at Tesla dealerships, and at the Capital. I think it would be good to get to the congress people’s offices…
Politics-wise, Senator Schumer decided it was better to play into the hands of the Republicans and pretend things are normal than to fight. In the continuing resolution, there was even a power give away to the President authorizing him to create new special military groups…. Uh oh, I wonder how that will backfire? Now the courts are preparing the battle – the White House defied orders regarding sending immigrants to El Salvador without due process. A judge literally told them to turn the planes around, and the said “uh, oh yeah… no.” This is probably gonna be the show down. It feels like the slide towards authoritarianism is already a slip n slide.
It is obvious the democrats will not save us. We will have to save ourselves… no certainty of the future.
I think that has been one of the biggest barriers to my mindset about doing what is best for me… I don’t know what is best for me. It feels like the structure that would support my small business could erode overnight and I’d be back to being a wage slave. My mom says, who cares… if that’s the worst-case scenario, then its no biggie. That’s basically true, better to try and fail, then never try. Waiting on that tax form.
I think I wrote about this over the weekend, but again… If I get the business up and running, and then move in late summer/early fall… that’s a pretty big transformation right? A Re-start to the 4th decade.
(There is a guy sitting like 10 feet away who is clearly sick and coughing a lot in my direction. Not a great feeling)
That was part of my midnight thoughts when I couldn’t get back to sleep after the nightmare. What if I did die? What if I had cancer, an aneurysm or a sudden heart attack… how long would it take for anyone to notice… I was thinking best case scenario, 3-4 days, worst case a week? My Dad has been pretty urgent in the past if I don’t get back to him within a day or two. It’s the thing when I lived alone on Hennepin, and slipped in the tub. It’s like… could that have been a death sentence? Sure.
I’m thinking about my health, because it would make sense to get a check up and eye exam, and probably some dental work before I quit my job. Not saying I won’t have insurance but it might not be as good…? Who knows. Do they still recommend colonoscopies at 40?
Healthcare, is another thing I need to figure out. Same with EHRs and other stuff. What I have found is that decisions on those things take me 1-2 days. I get on one track, and then look into it, and then get disappointed, and then the next day I come back and make a decision. Which is fine.
But am I living into a scarcity mindset… guided by fear again? Yeah… I suppose I am. I am trying to set up a foundation, but maybe I need to find that foundation in my beliefs of self. Whatever comes, I can manage… but the ways of the world are strange and meandering and sometimes scary. I have some money. I have family who are capable and will support me. I have friends. I have an education and a skill set and credentials. Why am I still so scared to take risks?
What is possible? Why can’t I stay in the abundance, growth, positive mindset?
I have been wondering whats up with my distraction/spirituality back and forth lately. Its like I know it is available to feel good and free, and hopeful… but instead I stay stuck, make excuses like, whats the harm in not being part of the world for a few more hours? I can stay home in bed, I’m not hurting anyone by missing out on opportunities that aren’t guaranteed to get me anything. –that might be the crux of the thing, I keep attending stuff and it feels good in the moment but doesn’t lead to a different outcome. I go back to some of the politics and organizing stuff, feels good in the moment, but I’ve been disappointed that it hasn’t felt more like a home or a community I want to invest in.
(moved away from the coughing guy, and feel better for the distance).
When it is 6 pm on a weeknight, I have this tickling idea in the back of my mind that I am missing out on the opportunity to meet or be a part of something else by staying in bed. But how many times have I been to a coffee shop and never talked to anyone? Gone to a movie, or play, or event… joined a class, or a club, or a group… and it was ok. It was just ok. Nothing life changing. Maybe the weight of the lack has pushed the scale down… so I am taking less risks.
But what could change if I wanted it to?
I could talk to people more,
I could go travel,
I could start a new project,
I could join something like book club or a meditation group, or a political org,
Take a class,
I could exercise or join a gym,
I could change my life completely, move, start a new career,
So many opportunities… and lately they just don’t feel very exciting.
I think about the spiritual stuff… its exciting in the moment, but I am not compelled all the time. I think I am fairly content with my current career… just waiting for the next step.
It feels like that a lot. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Then I am sure things will happen very quickly.
Love? Yesterday I spent too much time wondering if I should try to make more effort, make more room. I am 41 and set in my ways. I’ve had love in my life a handful of times… and it has come and gone. But the majority of time, I have been alone… and I am pretty used to myself.
I also spent time thinking of Becky for some reason, her apartment on University… how it felt like she was living some adventurous life, couch surfers, getting in trouble, trying to get ahead. What a weird time of life.
Maybe it’s the gray sky today. Maybe I am running into a new tower… that things do need to change drastically because I have to rebuild from a deeper place. The world is big and I am thinking too small today. I probably need to spend some time in nature, some time in prayer or meditation.
Maybe shave my head and become a hare Krishna, -another thought I had in the middle of the night. I remember their leader telling an 18 yr old Michael… “once I realized all things come from Krishna I stopped being picky…” what a statement of faith. To live there… to stay in that mindset. All things (not good and bad), all gifts, to be welcomed and accepted… why is this happening for me?
Why is this period of waiting happening for me?
Probably because the way is being created… a path opening up… something beyond my expectations of myself or of what is possible. Do I know what direction that will lead? No.
I am trying to stay open… but I worry my mood is boggling it. Could I have success? Yes. Could I have life changing difficulties? Yes. Could both be gifts to my soul? Sure… new ways to approach, or see, or feel, or breathe differently.
I better go home and eat dinner… I feel like I am fighting the depression and one thing I have really come to recognize is that my mind and mood slip very easily whenI am hungry. So… good bye for now.
3/19/3/19/25
I had two dreams last night that left me feeling somewhat shaken when I woke up.
In the dream, just before I woke for the day… I was trying my best to follow through and prepare for a social event. It might have been a wedding, or a party, or a dance… but as I prepared, I realized I didn’t have the right clothes to fit in at the party. So, very last minute, I made the effort to run to the mall, run around stores, purchase a nice shirt and a tie, or maybe a suit. I wanted to make sure I didn’t stand out too much, not because that would have been bad, but because I wanted the focus to be on something other than me. I could perform the role, and have a good time, and not worry.
I woke up to an alarm.
I went back to sleep and time had passed. This time, it seemed to be Lacey who I had gone to the event with. It was the following morning, and she was disappointed. Why? It turns out we went to the dance, and everyone had a good time, but I was hindered by my anxiety… she described the particular way I held back critically -(very in line with my normal dance moves when I am just listening to something). She implied that rather than be part of the event like everyone else, I kept myself separate, and that therefor she couldn’t enjoy herself to the extent she wanted to. I was defensive, both personally, and sort of generally… “really, everyone was dancing?” I pictured them in the dream, a whole crowd where every individual is dancing (like in the movies) and I am the one wallflower sticking to myself. She said yes. I was the only one. I felt more defensive… I wondered why my being myself was such a hardship for her… and as she talked, I realized (somewhat of a lucidity in the dream -likely caused by the fact it was in between alarms) that I hadn’t had any direct memory of the experience. I told her this. I’m not there yet, I haven’t gotten to that part of the event. She seemed confused.
I realized I was trying to argue about something that I hadn’t experienced yet, and that I was planning on catching up in time with her. Then the next alarm went off.
I woke up sort of crabby, feeling criticized and responsible for ruining someone else’s good time. This felt like a theme that I am all too familiar with. That something I do or say, or my way of enjoying something isn’t good enough. I was irritated, trying to defend myself, trying to think up ways that I could please… and also irritated that people who claim to love me don’t accept me, and instead point to my ways of being and criticize.
In the shower, I considered that this dream wasn’t about Lacey, or anyone else… it was a part of me saying to another part of me, why do you always let your anxiety hold you back? Why can’t you just enjoy yourself, let go, be part of things that other people enjoy? I am not sure I have an answer to that, but it felt like a call to wake up… In the shower I started questioning whether I should be on meds, even a PRN for social occasions. Something to make it a little easier to let go, and not be uptight, and afraid. Something that makes it easier to act on my goals, and desires without muddling around for a few hours/days/months…
I decided that I need to take steps forward on the business, so I emailed the lady I was ready to drop off some paperwork… even if I don’t fully feel ready. Need to get back into the motion, the forward momentum… it doesn’t have to be perfect, perfect is the enemy of good, and good enough…
But even now, I have been delaying most of the day. Feeling like I haven’t met my goals, or tried hard enough… feeling pressure to perform at a higher level… and part of me goes to that other voice… why do I have to perform for others? Why fit in? Why am I not already enough… loveable in all my nervousness? Isn’t that good enough?
The other dream was probably more odd. I walked through a house or building, and snuck up on a woman I thought to be familiar. It felt like surprising a loved one… but then I realized she was not the person I had thought, but it didn’t seem to matter. She embraced me, and the new situation, she became a lover… and I had the odd reality of bringing her back to my bed, which I shared with E, and with some guy… (he never spoke and I don’t know who he is). E was obviously hurt, upset, but also played along… and at first it seemed like she was trying her best to be accommodating, welcoming, but bitterly. She had some sort of key to the woman, and she held it -like she had to deal with an animal she didn’t particularly like… kind of like “eewww take this away.” And over time I realized her discomfort and asked her for the key. She gave me a look that simultaneously said something alone the lines of “really, you’re leaving me for her?” and also “thank god, I don’t really want to be responsible for this.” And I took the key and turned away from her…. Gradually she fell off the bed, distancing… until she wasn’t quite present, even though she was. I turned my attention towards the new woman… and indulged in our love… I am still not sure what the other guy was doing there.
I woke up feeling so mixed on this dream… it was probably the middle of the night, but it felt like I was falling in love with someone (positive), and also like I was losing someone I love (negative)… and I felt sad… I felt like I had betrayed someone I care for.
I am imagining, by light of day… that that is exactly how it will feel when I meet someone new. It was the same with Alexis and Becky. I felt like I was so excited to meet this new amazing person, and be charmed and swept up in it… but also I felt like I was losing someone I loved in the process. And I know that has already happened with E… and that it is ok. But I just have this feeling meeting someone new will be full of grief, bittersweet.
Today is a fairly cold, gray day. I an not feeling inspired to fall in love. I am feeling kind of heartbroken, but I don’t really want to cry. I have three more appointments tonight… and a desire to feel productive but for what and for whom?
I took out salmon… the one meal E made consistently for us. I will probably be having grief for dinner.
Yesterday I was feeling like this too. Midway through the day I did a guided meditation, and fell in love with myself and this life. It was really heartening… part of the imagery was climbing through the world tree to go meet your future self… and I imagined this branch of my life with its twists and turns, its bumpy bits, its ever growing… imagined it not just as a single life, but the span of my soul as it grows, learns, returns to source, imagined that every little thing is happening for me, and not to me… and I was touched, and glowing and full of appreciation and joy.
But by last night I was in bed again, not necessarily feeling like I was headed anywhere...
Not feeling closer or connected.
I sent the email.
I made plans for the weekend.
I will follow through with some stuff.
I will probably go connect with some coworkers after this…
But oh the bittersweet and melancholy eh?
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