The day before the day before break

 To clarify I still have to work tomorrow. 7 clients too… 

I have work I should be doing today, but I am not very motivated. It’s like kids before winter break at school.

I am hoping to get some things in order for the future over the break, like maybe find an office and begin the process of leaving my job. Or decide I want to do something completely different. 

I want to engage in some practices like meditation, or maybe reiki. And do art, and read and write, and sit around a bunch… I’m worried I will do nothing and sink into depression. So I’m trying to give myself hints like - sign up for a class, have a checklist of things to do… etc. 

today I made this observation while waiting for my first client: “I spend a great deal of my time just forward of my body, predicting, anticipating, reaching, willing my body into the space I had just been, but I am already moving forward again. 

What would be different if I remained in my body, in my smile, in my stomach and chest, rather than floating through others experiences? 
Rather than tracking and predicting where they are headed, or judging because they don’t move into the space my mind designed for them?
What if I just was, in my body, as they were, in their body?”

If that looks funny it’s because it was typed somewhere else and the paste is weird…

I’m not sure I’ve spent much time thinking about that, as for many years I disliked my body and didn’t want anything to do with it. Now I’m more at peace with it, more aware of it as a vessel, sometimes even enjoy it.  

There is something about inhabiting your own face and being conscious of it… 

This weekend I might go gift shopping, or might stay in depending on how cold it is.  Maybe spent three days gaming. Maybe take a bunch of gummies and exit this plane of existence for a bit. 

I feel like I’m waiting on a sign or a pull, the tarot video I watched today said something to the extent of “the universe is waiting on you to choose a path, and you think you’re waiting on it. But once you choose it will conspire for you -and you’re having a hard time trusting it will be worth it. It’s ok if you miss out; but just so you know, it’s all waiting for you…“

To be the chooser… that’s my goal over this break. To make some decisions. 

But I’ve been tired this week. My attention is variable at best. I’d like to make the decision with out the eeny meeny miny moe     (Which is how I decide most things still you know…). 

Anyway… now I can add journaling to my list of things I did today. 

Will I do work now?  Will I read? Will I scour the internet for dopamine?

Accomplishments

 It’s 8:07 pm on Sunday Dec 15th. I turn 41 in one month. It’s probably because I’m listening to Damien Rice, or because it’s Sunday and quiet, or because I was just sorting old cards and notes people have given me or some combo, but there are moments of grief and doubt, and longing. 

Something is missing.

I went to church this morning. It was a lovely service. The fire ritual service… passing the light. They read a version of “the lonely ember” story. It felt like another push for community. 

After the service I made a smoothie, and ate by the large window in the bedroom. watched snl and played some Tetris. Then went and got art supplies at Michael’s, spent too much. Then spent even more for a massage at the mall. 

Then came home, did some Spanish - Duolingo, my dad texted about a walk. Why not? Did some laundry, headed out, came back and did more laundry and then art for an hour.

I’m trying to get in the habit again of doing at least 3 lessons of Spanish or 15 minutes a day. Trying to exercise everyday. Trying to write/journal or do some art every day. Clean something or organize something. 

Life feels positive. 

But something is missing. 

I keep spending too much time on my phone, keep distracting myself till midnight, iltosha, or scrolling… keep waking up to the depression of winter, fighting it off,  making the day productive, then again, then again. 

Tonight my organizing consisted of putting all the Christmas cards with the past cards and notes. Brief glimpses of the past, of illy and nova and Becky and laurel and students and coworkers and family going back at least 30 years… all sorts of people who have loved me, and who I have loved.And it felt like so much that I put it all in a plastic bin and tucked it away to be explored another day. Too much love, too much grief. 

I made a choice with my art project and I’m not sure how to fix it… I think it’s the point in the art project where I ruin it, and have to just accept that this is what it is. I can start a new one with all my new art supplies. 

Probably need to start having company more frequently… who to invite to my hovel? 

I have ideas of a future but I’m trying to just invest in my day to day.  Today I did Spanish, exercised, journaled, did art, and maybe now I will read?  Or scroll. 

It’s all been done. 

A day early this time

 Not even sure what I want to say...

Listening to music I love tonight.  A little Jeremy Enigk, some Led Zeppelin, the Mars Volta.

The day started with some difficulty. I was up till 2 or 3 AM, and so waking up at 8 was a bit of a challenge. I had wanted to sleep in, it was supposed to be a winter storm today afterall. I'd imagined sipping tea or coffee, covered in blankets, staring out the window and reading. .. but plans had been made... and that's a good thing. 

Went to Crosby Farms with the old teaching crew (lizards). Walked the cold forest, staring at the naked giants, so many fallen, columns succumbed to the wind and the shifting sandy soil. We trekked around catching up, talking primarily of the present, afraid to talk about the future? Letting go of the past with the occasional reference and the recognition of the haziness of memories. Who can recall past brain fog? past the stress of the day, the darkness of the future. 

And yet, it felt so good. Smiles and laughter, and connection.  I love these people, will always love them. I am inspired by them even a decade later. Feel awkward in my distance and yet still connected.

A few months ago I was so sad, so traumatized by the past that I wondered how it would be to reconnect after so long, and what I found to be true was that I was inspired again, ready to leap off the next launch with them. More than any crew of people... I trust them to jump with me. Its' weird. We are so different and yet... I don't know. I need more of them in my life. 

I understand why I had to leave.  But now, a decade later... maybe I am ready for something like that again.  I've had love affairs, and other jobs, and I've seen more of the world, and lived more places, and... still, who do I trust? who do I look to?  In lizards...   Maybe its because we built community during a formative time. Maybe because we trauma bonded.  Maybe because they inspired me further down a path. Maybe because they believed in me, took me in, loved and respected me...

Aryn gave us a book, the newest by the author of braiding sweet grass. Its a short quick, and inspiring/validating piece. 100 or so pages easily read at a spy house afternoon as the sleet came down. The book was about a "gift economy" or rather, a circular, collaborative, community economy that works for all. Not built on scaricity, but abundance, based on the reality that all things are gifts of the earth, and nothing can be taken without consequence, so... if you take with the idea of giving back, only take enough, circulate the wealth etc... then we live aligned with the earth instead of creating our own destruction...  We could be part of the forest, the plains, the deserts, the ecosystems...

So I was thinking of that, and staring out the window at spyhouse on Nicollet and considered the age of the trees, some within 20 years I am sure. Others probably planted 50 years ago?  Who remembers? Were they small when the houses and buildings were built?  These are the trees they decorate with lights to add a little joy to the city in the winter... Who remembers?   The other day I was thinking about how sometimes in life we try to create a legacy with our name on it, while other times we are grateful to let go of what we have done or left undone.      and I was thinking of how someone planted these trees and created the sidewalks around them so as not to allow the roots to destroy the walking path, and put grates around them etc... and... no one remembers who this was... or when it happened... I am sure there are records. But one day there were trees planted, and 50 years or so they are so much a part of the landscape that who would recall?

Victoria said there was a guy who was buying up old golf courses and returning them to forest. What a legacy... and yet if all humans died, no one would know the difference... In a 100 years, if humans are around, will they recall the golf course, or just see a forest and assume it was always there?

In teaching, and in therapy, there are these recognitions that you can teach an amazing lesson, or share an amazing insight, but the truest and best insights/wisdom will always be when the student/client adapts it and sees it as their own... like when they take that knowledge and internalize it to the extent that it wasn't your lesson, it was always theirs... their bright idea.  The best teachers and therapists create the conditions under which the other has these insights  (so they say)...

And is it any different with the rest of life?   Wouldn't the best legacy be to do something that becomes so incorporated into the lifestyle, the environment etc, that it seems natural, seems like it has always existed and life without it seems impossible?

I watched a guy debating marxism vs capitalism, and the guy was convinced that marxism was manmade while capitalism was inherent... and it was like... wow, its so ingrained we can't even imagine that there was/is life without it.

But these rules are man made. These days are man made. 

Maybe the one thing Luigi did, was to shake us up and remind us that the rules only apply because we believe them. The billionaires have no 'right' to their stolen wealth, we've just allowed it. A breath of fresh air. 

Or maybe its just me sooooo set in my fixed beliefs. 

I was thinking about that this afternoon, how easy it is -given my privileges, given my intellectualizing and rationalizing, and my type 9 desire to see and accept, and get stuck with this. Whatever this is. I can wade through it, so I accept it. I endorse it. When... well its not real.

I need people in my life who can challenge me out of my bullshit. I need new energy and new environments, and new experiences, and whatever... to remind me. Hey you're stuck in bullshit -and yes it is very much part of my white male experience. 

But I am also stuck in my what should bes.... like I can't make a business or a whatever... because I am supposed to make it like ------.  When really, it can be whatever it needs to be, and likely that means changing and growing and adapting to whatever happens.

Today I was thinking, I should run groups... maybe a free workshop. Get all the clients together and have them learn from each other. Create some community in the process.

Art classes?  Theater classes? 

What am I doing really?  The role of therapist in our society is sooooo fake. I have all this knowledge of humans, but really... not sure what its worth, unless in some sort of exchange that feels like it respects the soul of each person. Am I doing that lately?   

I dunno.

My art project is almost done... I am not sure if I like the outcome. I'd probably do a few things different on the next one. Will there be a next one?

Will i go to the workshop hours tomorrow?

Church in the morning. 

The tarot videos tell me everything is gonna change soon.  They also say be calm and accept divine timing. 

I've been wondering (as always I suppose), if I did the right thing, if I fought hard enough. Why I felt ready to move on... still feel that way when I miss her so frequently, when I still adore her presence...

It just feels like it wasn't the right fit. Something continues to signal that to me now... 

I miss her, I miss Simba, and its soooo weird to not have him under foot or around each corner. I think it hits me like 10 times a day. The place feels empty. 

5 more days of work and then a week off.

How to spend that time?  Should I find an office space and start a business in the new year?  Maybe Feb or Mar? 

I don't think I will buy a house unless something leaps out now. But I think my mom was right, I needed to define for myself what I liked again. 

Need more community. What does that look like?

My apartment smells like sage

 My apartment. I’m trying to get used to it. No longer ours. Not the place where I made a home with E for two years. Like a divorce everyone tells me. As she was saying goodbye today, she said “we spent every day together for over two years” and it’s mostly true. We exchanged goodbyes and sentiments, part of one another even if we can’t be together.  It was a blessing. 

It felt healthy. Even though it sucked. Like in previous breakups I got sick to my stomach. I cried my eyes out. 

I helped her grab things and said goodbye to Simba, knowing it will probably be the last time I see him in person. 

He was scared and sad. It sucked. 

It felt healthier today though. It felt like we were honoring one another, not full of bitterness. She was very loving, even if she probably wanted me to change my mind. 

We had a miscommunication about the tv. I thought I was buying the little one from her, she assured me she was taking that one and leaving me the giant one. I thought it was hilarious because neither of us wanted the thing that people fight over. 

I’m really sad. 

I also feel like I really needed to move forward, so even though it hurt all weekend when she would text and say she was moving stuff, I was also like… fuck, this is important and good, it just fucking sucks…

I’m worried about her. she keeps reminding  me she is not my responsibility. How I lost track of that… 

In some ways I guess the reason it felt healthy is that it felt like she was acknowledging that I really needed this even if it wasn’t what she wanted. That she understood I also had lost myself and that she was saying she loved me enough to let me go too. 

I tried to clean and organize and blah blah blah. I still need to do more. This week feels daunting, even though the tarot videos assure me it will be a profound positive change. 

It’s so quiet. No Simba following me around from room to room. I need to play music more often, maybe start the rock tumbler for some white noise. 

It’s been a really hard weekend.  Saturday I went for a walk with Rachel as Illy and Elsa moved more of her stuff. Today I went to church, saw illy and then my dad, crammed stuff in and then saw Elsa. 

Afterwards, it’s just been a struggle. It was good to do all those things’ I feel very loved and supported by my friends and family. 

I had work I needed to get done (says who???). I have more than enough time to get it done tomorrow and Tuesday, I am just worried I won’t be able to concentrate. It’s been hard to not want to distract… but I told myself on Friday night I was gonna stop doing that so much. (It’s been really hard not to). I set some limits on games and social media on my phone but who knows… I guess I just want to invest in myself and also engage in things more and the phone in particular has been a major distraction. 

Last night I watched The Family Stone, and it sure felt sad… 

I don’t even know what to say anymore except, I want to move forward and love myself, and invest in things that feel reciprocal and supportive, and meaningful. 

I don’t know what that is, but I need to start daydreaming AND taking action steps… need to level up I guess. Whatever that means. 

Sunday ritual

Has this become a ritual? Me talking to myself on a Sunday night, right before work and the week cycle begins again?   Will anything change?

I am wrestling with grief again tonight.  I often have this desire to call my mom for reassurance, "Am I making a mistake?"   "Am I doing the right thing?"    because sometimes it doesn't feel like it. 

This week was of course E's birthday and thanksgiving celebrated at two households, and would have been a third.  I had a hard time not reaching out more to E on her birthday, not promising her something or buying something extravagant to say "see, I still love you!".... but not like that.  A familiar in my life... the old I love you like a friend thing, even though I love you more than my friends... but I can't handle that, so lets be ok with this.  

Of course E has made it clear she can't be friends with me.  Hence the drama in my head and heart tonight. She was over here today. I don't know what she expected. At a certain point it felt like we were tiptpoing and that she wanted to be more real. So we got real. 

And I broke her heart again. And now I am wondering as I linger with my own grief and broken heart, why I have to do this? Why can't I go back to the denial I had before...  

That was the only real thing said today.... she said you fell out of love with me, and I said yes, but I didn't know until recently. Because I didn't.  I find myself miserable but hoping and praying every day that it would get better, wanting and wishing to love her... but I just couldn't.  But I do love her... I'm just not in love anymore.  She is someone I deeply care about and want the world for... and I broke her heart and sent her home again to live with her family.   We had some disagreements about hope and what not, about trying, about what we want... but I mostly just feel so sad.

I journaled about this on paper already, but I had a dream about this last night. I knew this was the outcome of today, and wonder today, in the midst of it, why I was choking back my truth, not wanting to hurt her feelings again, even though I knew the outcome. But I sat there choking on it... it felt so mean to just be honest about not loving her the way she says she loves me... but that was the whole thing... our feelings aren't enough to make us compatible. We have different visions of the future. Different goals. And she couldn't adapt to meet my needs, and I couldn't adapt anymore to meet hers... and it was enough. She pushed. I allowed it. We split and have been for 2 months. 

So why am I so sad tonight?   Maybe because it feels even more permanent?  Maybe because I had to tear the bandaid off again?  Maybe because this is the whole thing we have been doing for 3 years only this time I didn't save her from it... or save myself from it by playing a role and likely forcing myself into denial.  I really do love this woman, I just can't seem to figure out how to make things work.

But I am still at the point of not knowing what is next, or what to do about it... trying to stay present but also allowing some distraction.  My dream of a hard conversation last night, was followed by a dream in which I flirted with someone new. She was thrilling and a little scary, and it didn't feel right, but it felt good.  She was not a soulmate, or at least the way we met did not warrant that idea.  But we decided in the dream that we would adventure together for a little while. 

But that isn't what I want.  

I want a reciprocal partner. I want community. I want a new feeling of purpose. I want a family. I want roots and an aisle seat so I can get up and stroll before the flight attendant brings their cart around. I want a lot of things, and I didn't see them happening with E after those fights. I felt like she tore the foundations apart or revealed them to be faulty... and then what?   

I want to move forward somehow. I don't know what that looks like. A house seems like a silly idea. 6-12 months in Asia seems silly. A business in which I am alone most of the time seems silly. A church in which most of the folks are old and white, seems silly.

And yet, I am grateful for my handful of friends, and my family that actually got along well over the holidays, and a new car, and a decent place to live, and her cat. I can't imagine how much worse it would be without her cat. Simba has been sooooooo helpful. But eventually he will also leave. 

She says she'll rent a truck next time and that will be the end. Like a threat.  Even though she is just being honest. She says its too hard.  I understand. I made myself essential in her life, and then she pushed me out the window, and now she is wondering why I don't want to fight for us.  

But it just hurts my heart. Because I don't want her to feel this way. And I don't want to feel this way. And neither of us deserve the pain of it... or maybe we do. But...

Its funny, she asked me how the grief was... and I told her I've spent so much of my life afraid of feelings, and causing feelings in others... and its silly.  And yet, 30 minutes later... there I was again. Feeling so afraid, and do devastated the rest of the day. 

I am trying to practice thinking or imagining a future. What would it look like to feel liberated. To feel motivated. To live into life, rather than be afraid or avoid it... rather than be defeated by it.  

Instead of seeing barriers, to see possibilities. 

Could I be an author?  A teacher? A guru? A therapist? A father? a partner? An activist? An organizer? A business owner?  A pastor? An artist? A world traveler  Could I make attachments with 5-10 more cats?  

Maybe I should make my goals that simple, a list of things I have already done, or know how to do easily... Then anything else is just bonus.  That's how it feels sometimes. Sometimes I feel like all of this is just bonus. I already lived several life times. I have hundreds of friends, kids, clients, coworkers, cousins, companions, cats,  their names all forgotten.  I am already a dementia patient, I have lived and lived, and died and died. 

This is bonus. There is so much to be grateful for. And I am often grateful, appreciative, warm hearted on the inside, slight smile to the world.  I find things to laugh at. Ways to be amused. Small joys. I am delighted frequently.  Surprised occasionally. Made small seldom, and more often only when I choose it. 

My life is a treat.  And I want to share it.  

But I am not sure who with... 

I don't reach out. I don't connect very often with others. I choose isolation 90% of the time. 

Sometimes when i am reviewing my life with E, I get mad at myself for being soooooo comfortable with making our lives smaller and smaller.  We spent evenings and weekends at home. And I loved it, because I loved her, and didn't really want to share her much with others. 

The codependency was big. 

So big that I still daydream about paying off her bills, and buying her a house.

I wanted to secretly give her something for her birthday. I didn't want her to know it was from me. Wanted her life to be easier. 

But we are different.

She took care of me in ways I didn't need, but it still felt nice. A tiny example -making sure I had hair binders and stuff. She bought some big presents like the wood block world map, and I still haven't even used them because I thought we would have a home together soon.

Now I don't even really want a house again... it was just a dream for a bit.

Maybe the real grief is hitting today and what I've been dealing with was just denial.

Maybe its winter and I am recognizing the cold, and my loneliness, and lack of exercise. 

It's 8:07, I am ready for bed... 

I had thought I would have my own business by now, and that Elsa would be working, and that we would be trying for a baby, and that maybe we'd move out to a suburb.

None of that is happening... December 2024.

I wonder what will be different in a month?  Or by my birthday? 41... 

I hope I can maintain, or get back to (cuz I don't have it right now), that whole chance at a healthier embrace idea.   That maybe this needed to happen so that we could find our right partners...

because I was killing her with my judgment and my wanting her to be more like me in the logistics/stability department... and she was killing me with the whole I need you to give more when I was already doing everything because she would barely leave the house without my initiating it...       instead of both of us just saying, we are too different and this isn't working for either of us but we love each other and that's why it sucks so much.

cuz it is what it is.

Hopefully I'll dream of something more positive for the future. And then make that a reality.

The more you stay the same

 I was just reading old posts from 2007 when i was in college... funny enough one of them was about a memory I recently was thinking a lot about... its funny how much of life I have completely forgotten...

anyway... I am the same little dude.  I really haven't changed much at all, still thinking and acting the same... still interested in the same things, still cautious and afraid. Its like 17 years ago... I can imagine if I could find any of my journals from high school it would be the same. 

Same dude this whole time. Cray right?

I wish I remembered everyone... or is it better to forget all these things I have forgotten?

Sending love to you

Another week

 

This morning in church, I tried to prepare myself in case there was one of those social meet and greet times. I did the rituals of church (they do a moment of breath, a moment of silence, etc.) but also some of my little coping skills. Imagine a moose standing behind you, no one is looking at you, they are looking at the moose. The moose is intimidating. The moose is awe inspiring. The moose is in your corner, and he has your back. What do you have to fear with this moose beside you?

I saw up a bit taller, my spine in line, my chakras aligned... I felt confident, I felt present.

I cried a bit during the prayers. My mind wandered a bit during the sermon. By the time the service was over I was ready to be out the door, I had a busy day didn't I? 

I got home and did the first part of a DA, time slowed down... I couldn't wait for lunch but it was only 11... I had a open house at 1:30ish... another at 2, another at 2:30.  My Mom and Dad reached out, but I told them I had a busy day and probably wouldn't be able to see them. I did some more work. I watched a few videos. The time ground to a halt.

I went out for lunch, feeling a little panicked, Illy got back to me while I was on the road... after the open houses... ok, then Ill see her, then I'll get home and finish my work... then I'll... 

Not enough time. I went to the first open house. It sucked. Then I went to KFC because the buffet would take too long. I went to the second open house, it was better, but am I just drawn to a lot of space for a decent price? Do I even want a house? I drove past the third... looked it up. This one looks good. Shit its only 2... I have 30 minutes to kill. I did spanish lessons in the park on duolingo, checked off another thing I was supposed to do. Good. Went to the last house. It was better. A few questions. Now what? I called Illy, she didn't sound like she was up for anything. 

Now what... I have the rest of the day to kill and its 2:45.

I went to Target. I bought pillows and a garbage can. I called my mom. I told her the last house looked better. Maybe I should buy it. Do I even want a house?

She said, it sounds like this whole project has been a way of grieving, of pulling away and figuring out what you want in a concrete way. Its true. I don't even know if I want a house. Maybe a change of location, of routines, but do I want  projects and hassles?  

She said she didn't really think I was gonna buy one, even though it wouldn't be bad if I did... She said I'm doing a good job of redefining myself. 

I watched Eat, Pray, Love last night and felt I was doing the same... I am doing good. I am sending love and light when my heart hurts or feels joy. When I have strong emotions I try not to fight them.  Just feel them, love them, send love and light to them. I am doing ok I thought at I watched this movie. -Like I am reclaiming myself and doing it in a healthy way... I cried the most during the part where she has to forgive herself that her ex husband still loves her and she has to go her own way anyway. It felt like truth. Like I need to remind myself that E and all the others can also love, want, heal, grieve, and that it will be ok. 

I thought of myself when I was in that position with M. So angry and hurt with her... "this isn't what I want" I said, and she didn't care. And E has said the same to me... and I probably seem heartless... but I don't want this anymore. Its not a good fit... but what is?  

What do I want? What do I want?

I have meaningful work, and friends, and family... and a decent place to stay... but what do I want? Where am I called to next? What do all these tarot videos keep hinting at (see I am deluding myself). 

My mom keeps telling me I am doing a good job of grieving, but I feel like I am getting more desperate for the next thing... before the loneliness sets in? before I lose hope to the world and the politics? before the winter zaps me of my will to get out of bed?   

I am doing all the things, taking care of my health (mostly), taking care of the home, taking care of the cat, the job, the new car, doing my spanish lessons, reading, journaling, meditating, but what is next?

Thursday night I was doing a little brainstorming and I realized I didn't really have a reason to take off a week during the holidays.  Thanksgiving will be the test version, but I imagine I will be lonely and bored. A week without a project? A thing to do... and I am sure I could find something to fill the time, or someone else could ask of my time, but will I feel like I am trading work for someone else's tasks?  

I need a project of my own. Switching to a new home isn't gonna happen in Dec. Maybe February? When of the business... july?  I could have done so many things. 

What do I want to do next? 

Art class this week was a good time. But it is a few hours of light heartedness... church is an hour... tasks and tasks, chores and chores... Because there was a football game last night at UMN it took an hour to get to Raising Canes and back, and despite the annoyance, I listened to Brandi Carlile and tried to enjoy myself. I realized when I got home that at least it killed an hour. That was something. I drove through parts of downtown I haven't seen in a bit. I sometimes go out of my way now because I don't have someone waiting at home for me.  I drove around Minneapolis Como neighborhood yesterday, never been. So much of the  world to see still.  

The travel bug has disappeared it seems. Maybe because my passport is in the mail... Maybe because I am trying to ground and root myself. 

Maybe this book (The Covenant of Water) I am about to read will give me the desire again.  

Not sure what I am doing... clearly. 

I don't feel like there is a shame to it, like there has been in the past, but there is a desire to not waste time. I am ready -I declare... but I suppose the last time I said that I went right back into the same karmic cycle?  Also, I am not really ready to break E's heart by falling in love with someone else... I dunno, am I?

But it would be nice to feel called.  I guess that's what I am looking for.  That shaman who pulls me from the crowd "where have you been?" 

I think I am boring the cat. He sleeps all day, and then when I

 am home, I am in bed... and sleeping. This is a bad pattern I am getting into again. This whole, being in bed all the time. Bad energy, stuck energy.  What would be different in a house?  I mean... I think of these places and wonder how often I would even enter these rooms I am checking...

What the fuck am I doing with my life.... kna mean?

The downtime

 It's Nov 17th, 2024. Its a Sunday night, right before a busy week, and then a half week with thanksgiving. 

This weekend I saw Rachel and Illy. I talked to my mom about a house. I spent a lot of time cuddling with the cat.

I visited about 6 open houses, and drove by a few others before realizing I didn't actually want to live in those neighborhoods, or the houses didn't look great.  2 houses in Columbia heights, 1 in St. Paul, 1 in Richfield, 1 in Golden Valley, 1 in North East.    The only one I really considered was the Golden Valley one, as the rest had something that stood out as needing fixing beyond my abilities.  It's odd with the Golden Valley one because again, do I want to live in the suburbs? It would have been a house to visit with E, and I realized that shortly after I left. -That this was a house I had few complaints about, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is what I am looking for.  It makes me sad. 

Rachel isn't convinced I even want a house.  We toured one of the Columbia Heights ones together and she pointed out all the things that would need to be fixed structurally. I mostly noticed the cosmetic stuff and wasn't impressed much. It was a helpful lesson as I continue to look for homes. As a single home owner, she is aware of how much work they are, as well as the financial responsibility... and she wonders if I am just trying to run away from my problems.  

I am. 

Beyond that, I am also thinking of how to diversify my savings. I have money in various stocks and bonds... but nothing that is real and appreciating in value. There is part of me that wants something to own, before the whole country goes to shit. But maybe that is just adding headaches when it might be better to be fluid. 

So running away AND investing/rooting myself.

What do I really want?   

I've been asking myself that all week. The urge to travel for 6 months seems to have passed, though I do want to travel at some point. The stupid mistakes I keep making on my passport are gonna settle that matter and keep me here till at least next year. 

I've been cleaning and organizing. It helped to have Illy come over, put some fire under me to address the things I hadn't been paying attention to. Once E takes all her stuff, the house will feel less empty, but not ungodly miserable like it might have -had I not bought a bunch of cheap furniture and grabbed things from the basement.  Its too much space for me, and a house -really of any size would be also. But like a true american consumer, I can fill space over time. 

She didn't come back this week like she had planned to. Probably got caught up in taking care of her niece and nephews, so there are collections around the apartment ready to be put into a storage once she has the chance. Not that she wants to.  And me, I go back and forth on quickly I want her to do this whole moving out thing... but that is my selfishness and desire for things to not have to change so drastically. 

They already have though... its been about 7 weeks since she moved out. There are times when I don't even notice... staying busy, having tasks, projects, goals, or distractions. There are other times when I notice very much... when she is around I burst into tears. When she isn't, sometimes I just notice the pang of sadness or grief, and I don't know what to do with it.  

I've started with the drama in my head. Making the arguments, the case for why we have to be broken up. I am aware that I am trying to justify something that I had previously felt was unjustified. I don't want to get back together because I don't want to be in a relationship in which I take on more and more responsibility because otherwise I would doubt its success. That's not a group project, that's me taking the lead.   But that is my side of the story. She has hers... and I want to write the narrative for both of us so that I am not the bad guy.

But that's not my right. Nor is it my responsibility.  I don't want to get back together. I am moving forward. It hurts my heart, and it breaks my heart to know I am hurting her... but I want a different life, and I am choosing that. End of story.    ----my mind is not so easily convinced. 

In the downtime, is when I realize the grief, or it swirls in... and I am sad, and lonely, and confused, and totally don't know a way forward. I feel kind of helpless despite being totally functional and doing all the things.

I am asking the universe and my spirit guides and the angels and saints, and G-d themselves... as well as myself. 

In therapy the other day I realized... you know, the reason I feel weird about it is because I don't want E to feel like I did when my Dad left us. That's it, pure and simple. I don't want her to be hurt by my "selfishness."  And yet, she is not a child. She is an adult. She is supposed to be my equal, my co-person. And this whole protecting her thing is part of how we got soooooo off base. I need to not act or believe this whole thing anymore. I am not selfish, or when I am...its because I am protecting the parts of me that can love and support others...   That's not what happened when I was a kid.

Probably need to re-read the adult children of emotionally immature parents again with this in mind.  

I just need  boundaries. and direction...

I am not running away, not rushing into anything, not running back to an ex, or over indulging in stuff.  Trying to find a healthy mature balance that sets me up for the next thing.

What is funny... is that I kind of developed a slight crush on one of the pastors at church today. 

Church feels good. I want to continue to go. That's one of my only YESes right now. Which feels odd. 

Work meh,  business meh, friends sure -maintain and build on what is there, family same... living situation  -getting by, direction?   no idea.

It will be hard when she takes the cat, but I'll probably get way better sleep, and I'll clean the floors really good... and probably find cat hair for months if not years... but  it will still be hard. He sleeps with me, stays in the same rooms with me, bugs me all the time... 

She got jealous sometimes of how much he liked me, and how much attention I gave him. It was kind of annoying. 

I don't know what I am saying anymore.... probably gonna watch a tarot video or something... they make me so much more optimistic than I am naturally.   Its like, sunlight and tarot videos, and church are my balms right now. Salves?  maybe...

Maybe I need to take acid or go on a religious retreat.  

I don't know... 

my anxiety is a lot higher than I think I am pretending... it spikes when I need to eat. I am doing a good job of reminding myself to take care of my self before I let it throw me completely off.

Life goes on

 It’s 8 am the morning after the 2024 election. Douchbag will be president again. The senate has flipped to republican control, and we dont know about the house.  

It’s honestly devastating.  The cat woke me up early, but the pundits and things were predicting it by midnight, and i just turned off the tv resigned but hoping for a miracle that didnt come. 

The blame game is easy. 

I am angry. And hurt. And worried about so many people. Multiple clients have said they may be suicidal if…

And well, I understand. Who wants to live through hell?

The rise and fall of empires, this is just our turn. 

I’m worried about so many, and yet, selfishly I want to hide. Want to stay home, quit, run away. I dont want to have to work harder. I dont know that working harder will solve anything…

I dont want to console. I dont want to reach out to loved ones. I want someone to console me. I am alone and selfish and childlike… and I have responsibilities… and I have unmet needs too. 

It’s hard to imagine a more inept leader, and yet he won the popular vote?  People hate this guy, think he’s an asshole… and yet. People like assholes. 

I dont think it will be the fascist state he promises, i think it will more likely be the money grab corruption. But i could be wrong. Maybe he unleashes the stupidity and the greedy and the malicious all at once. Maybe it is end times… maybe this has happened hundreds if not thousands of times all over the world throughout history. We could do better… but, meh.

There is a new congresswoman who is trans. I fear for her. For her safety and her sanity. When the bullies have been given free rein. I can imagine hate crimes at the capitol, and thats ridiculous. 

One thing that was reinforced last night, is how alone i am. Didnt talk to anyone, scrolled social media for other peoples posts, it was just me and pundits on tv.  

Makes me wonder if i should be doing something else entirely with my life… 

Yesterday E and i were texting about the baby blankets and even the fucking pregnancy test that basically jumpstarted our relationship into solidity. I was crying about it. My heart still heavy with stuff that has happened so long ago, trying to let go, trying to be with and breath into, and still…   Maybe i should follow my heart that is so easily broken, so illogical. Maybe i should follow it towards these immense feelings, and the connection that causes them? 

Maybe i should give up ln this house and business thing, and just take my money and run to some paradise. Live on a beach, fish, read and write. 

Maybe i should go be a monk or a pastor.

Maybe i should join a community. Maybe start a cult. 

Maybe… get a fatal disease and die  all possibilities. 

It feels like we chose a stupid timeline. 

Im mad at myself for starting to believe she would win.  But america cant have nice things can it.

Meaninglessness

 Ive noticed the grief and loneliness are the worst at night and in the morning. Ive noticed it hits me the hardest when im hungry, and then sometimes im even less hungry. 

Today was a good day. I accomplished my goals. I saw illy and my mom. I even texted a bit with E- telling her i was looking for a house. Trying not to fall back into the old pattern because i dont want to lead her on, but I want to say I miss you. But I didnt really. I implied I was moving forward with my life. And she said congrats, even though she meant - it hurts me to hear that. 

I took a nap. I woke up around 5:30 the time id normally get home from work and be starving… I woke up, and nothing seemed enticing, nothing all that positive or fulfilling. I could have gone right back to sleep. I felt a little under the weather. I went through the motions, did my spanish lesson, read a book, played a game on my phone, watched a bunch of videos. I perused houses on zillow and the database my realtor has. 

 I stared at the blank walls of my apartment. Considered how empty it will soon be, this void of space that used to be filled with her and her stuff.

No wonder ive been so into shopping lately. No wonder I was desperate to buy a house. Trying to fill the void. 

The rest of the week will be easier-  tomorrow i work till 7. Then I’ll eat and go to bed. Wednesday i have my art class. Thursday? Maybe I’ll meet trick or treaters at the door… the weekend?   Try to find more houses to visit, open houses.. see what i like. Next week take on more clients, bring the paperwork home so that i have something i have to do. 

Art materials have been on my table for a week and I haven’t touched them.  

I have a half written book i could return to. 

I have vacations I could plan.

I have friends and family, and a church. 

I could take a class. I could teach a class. I could get a cat when she takes Simba who has been a constant in my life since i moved in… (he loves me, sometimes shed even be jealous). 

I dunno.  What do you do when you dont know what is next?    Or it takes time for the next thing to arrive? 

I suppose it’s just sitting with the meaninglessness, the loneliness, the loss and heartbreak. 

I must seem so cold when I talk to other people they dont see me crying every day. I must seem so put together and determined to the outside world. Bold… when really I’m - well I suppose part of me is that… its not really im different, its, I am also so vulnerable and sad and scared of living an unloved life. I think I've been caretaking so that i feel worthy. But Id like a partner who is my equal. Someone capable, creative, compassionate, smart, passionate, funny and silly, worldly, but also comfy to chill at home, who knows the struggles but can be grateful.

Sometimes when I was with E or M, Id catch myself recognizing i was settling for something because it’s so easy for me to be content. To enjoy being in relationship… but I wasn’t happy. I didn't see myself happy going forward… just more struggle over and over.  It’s not that i dont love these people… I still think of them and pray for them all… it’s just, not for me. 

But what is?

"Georgia" And some snapshots of grief and life moving forward

For some reason this song has been one of the ones that makes me cry. Sometimes I put it on repeat to stay with it. 

This week has been funny.  Last weekend or earlier this week my mom sent me a house listing around the block from her. For some reason the idea of buying the house stole my attention this week, and I got it into gear. I applied to be approved for a loan from the bank. I got a realtor. I told my therapist I might buy a house. I saw it on Saturday and though it wasn't quite the thing I wanted, I almost convinced myself to buy it. 

Saturday night after seeing it with my Mom and Grant, I drove around the east side of Saint Paul and tried to convince myself I'd have a new area to explore. New hang outs. Places I could invite people.  

I hoped a dream or something would say "YES" but even though that didn't happen, all the signs of moving forward seemed to be pointing me to get it...  I started fantasizing about what I wanted to do with each room. How I'd manage the lawn. I tried to tell myself some of the downsides were temporary or I'd just avoid them... I was sure I should go forward with it. Then on Sunday before pulling the trigger, I decided to go to an open house of another place... walking in, it felt more comfortable... felt more like something I could manage without having too much hassle. I didn't like the whole house, but I could see myself easily in the space. And I realized I needed to slow down. That actually if I listen to myself, I don't want an old house where I have to deal with slanted floors and the wood making none of the furniture fit right. I just want something solid with good lighting, and a neighborhood I enjoy. 

I told my mom I was sure I was doing well with the grief, and that even though I recognized some impulsivity in this whole house thing... it was ok.  Later I walked out of her house and the only person I wanted to call to talk about the house with was E. Wanted her opinion. Wanted her to be excited. Wanted her input on how to decorate and make it a home. I drove around that night trying to tell myself it was ok, but things kept reminding me of her absence as my companion.

This morning at church I couldn't stop crying. Snot and tears.  Why didn't we ever go in person?

I walked around noticing the yards and wanted to point them out.  Went to the second house, and realized how little I have to fill a home... 

Tonight, I thought about how I don't have a project (no new home this weekend), and even though I don't have work tomorrow, I sort of dreaded the feeling of the future without a solid goal.  I know I needed to eat and that was playing into it...but everything started to feel alien and stupid. I missed having my companion. I missed cooking for someone, or planning my night based on them, or having someone to check in with, or run errands for, or make a future with. 

I've been though this before... but I guess its hitting me tonight more so... just the total lack of a future...

Why hasn't it been hitting all week?   maybe having a house project... maybe all the tarot videos that tell me Im on the right track and things will change soon. Maybe... I dunno. 

At church they had that quote about faith in action,   If I were arrested for being a person of faith (a UU) , would there be enough evidence to convict me?   And it makes me kind of question whether I am doing anything of importance?    My life as a therapist is so   minimal, sealed off,  isolating.

What do I want to do to have a bigger life?    I've been more active lately... but I probably can't keep it all up you know...

I don't really know what I want or where I am going.   Thought I did, but I fool myself so easily. That's kind of the thing with the house... I'm caught off guard by how easy it was for me to delude myself... and get excited and -I know I am the type that I would have made either of those houses work. I can put up with a lot...  but the whole point of this was that I was gonna start doing things for me.   And me... who is that guy?  what's he got to do with anything.

Regret?

 E is starting to get her things, she took down reminder notes and affirmations we had given to one another.  She has cleaned out a few areas and put post its on other stuff to either let me know she is taking it, or that she will leave it for me. The tv in the bedroom she is leaving. The other one she will take eventually.  Logistically she has no where for it all to go right now, but she will pack and organize. Shes asked me not to pack for her. 

I came home and the small changes were devastating. It would be different if i was angry, but im not. Im disappointed. Im disappointed that we cant seem to make it work and that over time our lives have not gotten easier. 

Im reminding myself again and again of how it felt when she acted helpless. Reminding myself of all the opportunities there are to do things, go places, find a better healthier fit. But it’s hard when i also loved this life. I was content to not go those places because I enjoyed being her partner, enjoyed hanging out with her, enjoyed the routine comforts and the home she created here. 

It could have gone on that way. It could have changed and id have been happy to go it with her. But instead it suddenly was my responsibility alone, and i just couldn't keep doing for her when I knew she was capable. It was the prove to me games, the how can i trust you, that really caused me to doubt. Suddenly i was questioning these things i had thought were solid. Suddenly i was doing that thing in my head where you think “it would be easier if…” and suddenly when she pushed - i said enough. 

I am simply trying to enforce the boundaries that would allow me to love myself and her.  But that was too much. 

She told me she cant sit with the ambiguity, the door not quite shut. So i told her we can shut it then. 

In the last few days Ive hung out with friends, tried new things, explored new places. Ive returned to old places that made me feel good, places i would have shared with her if shed been open to it. Ive told people what would work better for me -Rather than catering to what i thought they wanted. It’s been really good. This weekend has been a really good weekend… but ive been crying so much today and i just feel so heavy with hurt and sadness. It burns in my chest. All the things i havent said because i didnt feel theyd be heard. And now… now she is moving out of my life.

And she isnt being mean. But she is hurt and angry. She is wondering why i wont keep trying to make it work like i did in the past. She is probably feeling rejected. 

AND she has made it clear she cant move back into this home anyway.  Even if we were to try, it would be packing up anyway. She cant live out of a suitcase at her sisters house. She cant stand to be in the home she made here… and she didn't put in effort to find us a new one.

Maybe it’s all unfair, maybe she wasnt in tbe place to do so. 

Maybe all this regret and questioning is ridiculous. I asked G-d and the universe and whatever was looking out for me to help me change the course back to being in alignment. 

I couldnt make the changes i needed to.   

Maybe we can meet again when we are both doing better. But i cant keep doing this caretaking thing. 

Still, I’ll probably keep crying as she goes. It’s gonna be shitty. 

Im reminded of so much positive and so much i am grateful for… but it hurts my heart to be reminded how it was filled up and drained again and again. 

Maybe im making a big mistake… 

But i dont think so. I think i just hate knowing someone i love is suffering and i could do something about it… but ive come to recognize it wont benefit them.  

End

 This morning i woke up crabby and depressed. I had therapy at 8, and by 9 i felt better. Felt like i was validated in my decisions. Felt like i was starting to trend in the right direction. I had a pretty light day at work. Then elsa asked me to go for a walk. 

On Tuesday she had been crabby with me, on Wednesday she seemed fine, today? I wondered where she was at and why she was asking. 

She apologized for Tuesday as we walked around the nature center. We talked about how things had been and where we were headed individually. She might get a job in forest lake, shes doing better, she is seeing people ans going out to places. She feels better and is ln different meds. She doesn't want to manipulate me, she doesnt want me to feel like im hurting her, but she does want me to reach out only if im ready to talk- to put in effort again. 

I told her im in the same position i was, but realized that wasn't quite true. I recognized she wouldn't move forward if i didn’t tell her to. I told her she needs to think of us as done. She told me she cant be friends. She told me shed come get her stuff with her sisters when they had the change. She told me to take care of her cat for the next few weeks. We said goodbye. 

I had realized that my heart wasnt in it to fight. The lead her on was cruel now that i knew. But I wasnt really wanting to say goodbye. 

I feel the grief as a numbing ache all over. It’s real now. I dont owe her anything and yet. Tower moment. Tumbling down. 

In my dream the other night we broke up and then i was attacked.  Maybe the death of one thing and then the next?

My therapist said what my mom said, take a vacation not a 6 month trip. Make these trips sustainable, do them a few times a year. Start your husiness. 

I had this thought today, maybe if I set a time in the future… if nothing has Changed then in 2 years i take a longer trip?  

I dunno everything seems kind of dull right now. Thats how it felt this morning.  A longing, an ache, a dullness where there was once purpose and connection… even if it wasnt fully sustainable. 

The thing that is bugging me the most is that I knew a long time ago, but didnt listen to my worries or that intuition, denied it again and again in the name of turning into a new me, listening to the loving part as much as I could, the compassionate part, trying to be the best of me.  And then it didn't work.. because I also have needs. When she started implying I wasn't doing enough and that what i had been offering wasn't love (and maybe its true) suddenly i just couldn’t anymore.  I stopped being in love. I dont want to hurt her, i still have plenty of love. I just cant give it away anymore… and it feels super mean of me to say that.

 I gotta figure out how to love and be loved reciprocally. That is a tall order for me. 

Meh

Feeling drained. Felt kind of sick/fatigue earlier so i didnt go to my art class, but then regretted it after i made dinner. Not sure why my typing skills on this thing have been so off. 

Last night E made some comments, set some boundaries. It felt rude, so i barely responded. Then i had drama in my head all night. Tried to go to bed early. Woke up in the middle of the night and couldnt sleep for an hour or so, finally fell back asleep and the cat woke me up. Fell back asleep and had a weird dream that turned into a nightmare. Woke up and couldnt sleep. It was something like 5 or 5:15. 

In the dream there was some sort of party, and E and i were struggling to communicate. She said something flippant and walked out of the house -intent to leave. I followed her, telling her that her comment wasnt true. By the time she was in her car or waiting for the ride or whatever, she was basically acting like a little kid -whining “no.” Over and over. I realized I would never solve it. That i couldnt get through to someone who didnt want to hear me. I gave up. It was sad. But i also felt relief. I walked back into the party and the first older man i saw i said something somewaht flippant but also like cheering him on, it was something like “youre free now.”   Maybe the old man was me? It didnt matter. I turned a corner and the party was no longer present. 

An eery soundtrack started playing as i went through my empty house. I turned another corner and a man yelled in terror- caught off guard. He struck me with a roll of duct tape and I fell backwards to the ground. As i was falling I realized he was taping and amputated leg at the knee. He swung at me again with the tape but couldnt reach me, i noticed he was held back by his other hand which was handcuffed near the ceiling.  He tried to stomp on me with his amputated leg. 

I woke up in terror.  The scene replayed over and over and i began to wonder why he was attacking me. It seemed scary to realize that he thought i was the threat. If the man attacking me was not the threat, then who or what was?  

It was an ok day at work, but i felt likeni was mostly going through the motions. Its felt like that a bit lately.  Grief. 

I keep trying to remind myself to just stay present with the feelings. No need for drama or what ifs. Trust the universe, stay present, experience what is - rather thab urning it into something else.  

The loneliness, the grief, the guilt, the desire for companionship and love—- well they sometimes make me want to fight for the relationship again.   But if after 2.5 years im still on the fence. Dont I owe it to her and me - to say i cant promise you the future we both want?

Ingo back and forth… but if im honest with myself… I want something better.  I might regret it… but a chance at something healthier, lesa imbalanced.

Hard to love someone and let them go. Not the first or last time. 

Hard day

 I dont really have the mind capacity tk journal right now. It’s been a hard day.  E came over to get stuff. She doesnt really want to move on. Its hard to say to someone “were not a good fit” when you love them, have loved them, miss loving them. I can remember so many happy times.  

Yesterday i was considering a year in asia. Today im wondering if I’ll buy a home in roseville and ask her to move in again. 

Life is messy.  

Seeing how much is gone physically, how many tasks are done without her… it’s been a day full of grief. 

Im gonna watch a movie instead of being productive. Im drained. I want to check out.   Better a movie than gummies right?  At least tonight.  

Part 3 I guess

It is Saturday.  A couple weeks into the break up. I am not sure I should be categorizing it that way, but at the same time it feels kind of selfish or to say something like "two weeks free..." or "two weeks into my new life..."   

I vacillate between grief and being present and looking forward. Its the middle of October more or less, and the weather is getting colder, and the clouds are getting cloudier, and the gray of fall/winter is settling in more and more. The dark in the morning, and the dark in the evening... and nature says it's time to hibernate, nestle, cuddle, close off... and I am trying to remind myself to stay expansive, build, renew. I guess I am saying I am out of step with nature and what my body wants to do (sleep under warm blankets). 

Sleep has been difficult. I am exhausted. Sometimes fatigued. I mind is struggling with the thoughtlessness and brain fog of grief even when I am fully caffeinated and rising to meet the day. I forget words. I forget sentences. I was trying to play this trivia game and all my thoughts were on a 5 second delay... "oh yeah, that's what I meant."   I get home tired... I don't really want to do much but sit around... I am trying not to go immediately to the bed, and trying not to stay in bed when I am there, but the apartment feels too big, and what's the point when i could be warm and under covers you know?  That is how energy gets stuck. Its funny to me to recognize how quickly I would revert to the same old patterns. Without this couch, where will I sit?  Without this pillow, what will I rest my back or head upon?

I have spent a shit ton of money, but I know in the long run I will start saving it soon. I was paying for two lives, and now I am paying for one. I am trying to figure out how to cut back on food so as not to waste it... I am so sad/stressed about the inevitable, which is that she will need to dismantle our home... and I'm not sure if I will make a new one of the ashes... 

There are things I want to say, but feel mean saying. 

Things like, I am not really attracted to her anymore. Things like, sometimes I don't miss her. Things like, sometimes it's nice to not have to think or worry about how she is doing, or how she will problem solve her next issue. But what will happen when Simba the cat, or all her stuff is gone and I am left to realize how little I care about? How little drives me, or makes me passionate?  Caring for her has been a primary drive, now what do I do?  I am a little like an empty nester. She is off at college. I think that is one of the metaphors that has made it easier to see this role I am playing... she is like a kid to me. She is like a client. 

I am reading "codependent no more" and realizing that though I am in a better place than I have been at other times... I still fall into this category.  Have I ever dated anyone who I didn't start to try to care take?  N, B, A, J, M, E... throw in friends and long time crushes and it's still true. Which of those people has a chemical addiction? Which of them has a mental health issue? both? Which came from a difficult home environment? Which has a good relationship with all their parents?  Which of them has friends that they get along with and can keep? I really set myself up -dont I?

How do I break that cycle?  

I was journaling earlier and realized I am having a hard time moving forward because I don't really know what I want.  I have so many opportunities, but I am not sure what I really want.  

I know there were things I was excited to do with E, that I started believing would never happen... I wanted to show her Guatemala, she wanted to go to Norway and Alaska and I would have been down. I wanted to take her to concerts and shows. I wanted to have a family. I wanted to have creative spaces for us... I wanted her and I to talk about intellectual things, about spiritual things. I wanted to spend more time in nature, more time taking care of ourselves and our health.

There are things I need to do for myself I think. I need to travel more. I need to meditate. I need to find some form of exercise that feels good -and that I can do consistently. I need more art and music in my life. 

Its funny with things like the Guatemala stuff... why do I want to show her that and not the Czech Republic?  Why is it important to go to a coffee shop at a mall or visit a tourist city surrounded by volcanos but not Venice?   -Is it just the most recent thing?  Is it some part of my life that feels unfinished or unappreciated?  Do I just long to be known in my entirety the same as everyone else?

E never got her passport renewed, despite us talking about traveling for two years. Filled out the paperwork, had the money, never followed through. I think its things like that -that finally made me realize I wasn't being met in my needs or desires. 

And I am not trying to be mean or shame, or judge... I think I am just trying to remind myself of why I need to distance/ to break away... because there are all these little day to day happinesses that made it worthwhile, for the time, and its easy to fall back into that.  I felt my world shrinking more and more... and I didn't see the effort on her part to enlarge it.

That does not mean she didn't add to my life significantly. But I worry how much of the "adding" in my relationships is just -giving me something to worry about outside of my own bullshit. The relief of thinking of someone else instead of experiencing my own distress. And that is not a basis or foundation for a relationship.

I love her though. I want well for her. It pains me to think about things going poorly. But again, me doing for her, does not make her life better. It makes our lives together smaller. 

And now I guess I will go back to my small life... and question how to broaden it again without someone else present... body doubling is a real deal. Easier to clean and organize when someone is coming over. Easier to build when its for someone else?   I dunno, maybe that's just my codependent thinking again.

----

Something I have been really shocked by is how different this feels from my last break up. Maybe its still early. Maybe its because I distanced prior to the break up. Maybe its because I see patterns replaying even more clearly. Maybe I am not allowing myself to feel it all or to become obsessive... but damn... there isn't music except sad songs for this one.  Its not angry. It's not bitter or resentful the way it was with M...  this just feels like -moving on to different paths after our paths collided for awhile. 

More similar to J? 

Break up part 2

 It’s thursday night. E was here till about 20 minutes ago. In my head I sang RENT “just came to say, ‘goodbye love goodbye.” As we hugged before she left. Simba is still here along with most of her stuff. “It feels awkward.” She said, as she prepared to pack… and I couldn’t help but remember past goodbyes with other loves.  

I made dinner, neither of us could eat much. We talked about the past month and beyond, the accumulated hurts and misunderstandings. In many ways the repair we’d been trying to have for a long time. We both know each other too well, and yet had been full of assumptions and bad intent, and defensiveness and resentment - so nothing was getting through for weeks.  

We got through it… but then what?  I asked her if she had been thinking at all about her stuff, (she had already confirmed she wouldn’t be moving back in due to the environment being triggering).  She said she hadn’t.

I could tell she hadn’t really been planning much in regards to where she would live, waiting to see what would happen between us, even if she didn’t want to live here anymore…. 

We talked again after she packed. I told her the reason I wanted to stay broken up - is that I didn’t trust that we wouldn’t fall right back into the same patterns, me caretaking, her feeling that I was judging her. 

She said she would be willing to fight through the fear. I said that hadn’t been her recent behavior and that it was hard to trust things would change just because she said they would.

 She said my doubts leave her uncertain, too much fog, and it would be preferable to just say it.  

I said I didn’t trust yet, that I needed time to change. That I needed her to take the time to show me the changes. She said that felt like me doubting her again, and I said -see that’s what I’m afraid will happen.

She asked. I said it’s better that we are broken up for now. 

I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hurt her. But I look back at the last two years and don’t see the evidence for the changes I need to feel secure in an equal partnership.

Maybe I never will. Maybe I’ll be alone forever because I can’t trust people… but it felt like she was saying just trust me again… and I was honest that I couldn’t. 

How is it different from past relationships? 

Maybe because it was basically care taking from the beginning… maybe because I never had that much distance from her. Maybe I love E’s heart sooo much that I downplayed so many of the other things that continued to bother me. 

I don’t know how to have a healthier embrace… but I feel like I put the effort in… and as much as I love her as a person, I’m no longer in love. Maybe that could come back if she gave me the time. But she’s probably right, it would just drag it out more. 

I was looking at her tonight, almost like she was a new person. She’s lost weight. She looked fierce but not the defensive -irritable fierce I’ve seen lately. More like a warrior. It was cool. But also I wasn’t drawn in. 

I’m sad that I can’t be enough for her, and she enough for me… or I guess that we aren’t matched well.  But despite the chaos and ups and downs, I also feel like it’s been a really lovely companionship until recently. 

Maybe I’m wrong… maybe I should double down on heart… but I don’t have it in me.  I’m an old curmudgeon.

I love her, I want her to go experience the world and claim her spot in it again.  But at least for now…I can’t be by her side when she does it. 

I call on all the angels and guides and what not to bring me a match  when yall think I’m ready. 

Break ups

E and I just broke up. Im not sure how I am, or what it means, but Ive  been feeling very guarded for weeks, and shes been saying she doesn't feel safe at home (when Im not here), and the vibe has been very off. Ive gotten defensive and reactive - felt like she was implying I wasn't  doing enough despite the fact that on and off throughout our relationship I was doing more than my share. 

 I wrote her a long email today saying it felt like I needed space to figure out how not to be a caretaker, how not to be codependent. She asked why she should trust me to take her to her doctors appointments next week. I said if she doesn't trust me after all I've done, then whats the point. I was hurt. She said I was acting out of obligation not love, and maybe she was right. 

Maybe I dont know how to love people or be loved. 

She said I tried to show her I loved her in ways she didn’t perceive as love… and Im sick of trying to prove my worth, my love. I felt the same to her. Felt like id asked for all the ways for her to show up for me, she didnt act on them. So it wasnt a good fit. But i still love her… and yet, shes right, im not in love with her right now. I want to stay in her life, but im not loving towards her. And shes not towards me. I always told her she could push me away, and  it felt like she was trying to on the phone, she had decided I would be the bad guy. So I just said fine. Im done. 

It was dumb. The whole thing is dumb.   

Now what?

I dont have a car. She has all of her stuff intermingled with mine, it’s basically a divorce. We live together, but she isnt comfortable here. 

I’ll miss her family. She’ll miss mine. I’ll have to figure out how to not become a total hermit or run away to india.

Will I move? Will I quit my job? Will i start that business or not?

For over two years, I had this idea that if I ever died at least E would be able to pay off her debt. At least she’d be ok.

For the last few years, she has been my hope that the future was ok, that even though it would be hard, id have someone to do it with. But it felt more and more like i was carrying the weight and then being blamed for it. 

I want a partnership.  She sent this song to me today that was rather lovely and talked about doing things together, taking turns with the hard times… but if one person always has hard stuff, how does the other get their turn?

Sept trepidation?

I woke up crabby, or rather defensive. It’s only gotten worse as the day goes on. I feel like I’m running out of time and there is so much to do. Spanish lessons. A walk. Website building. Business tasks.  It’s a three day weekend, and so far I’ve gotten to see a friend and watch tv and  movies, but I haven’t been productive. 

Maybe I need to go to the office to get my to do list. Maybe I should be out scoping out new office spaces. 

Are there bills to pay, and mail to send, and texts to get back to? Yes, yes, yes.  I need to go get qualified for a  mortgage. I need to buy a car. I need to follow up with the stuff from the business consultation, maybe I need someone to find me an office.

There is the website and the psych today stuff to attend to. 

There is making lunch and dinner. There are dishes and laundry and garbage and recycling. 

What can I let go of? What can be not my problem to solve…

The problem is that I am feeling defensive of my time and energy and money. The problem is that I feel somewhat resentful today.  

That I was woken up by a comment about needing a bigger bed because I take up too much space, when actually I was only taking up my half, and actually I would be responsible for buying that bed… so it felt like a jab from the beginning. The problem was the cat woke me up  several times prior to that, or for several hours prior to that and I was trying my best not to give in, but his constant whining made it impossible to sleep. 

The problem is I felt alone in these things, and the tasks at hand, and responsible for all of it. For making sure our lives together are reasonably good because I am providing, I am responsible. 

And it is my life, so I am responsible, but it felt bad to be criticized when I was already trying my best.  It felt bad that the solutions offered require more of me, rather than adjustment on her part. That I felt I needed to do more and more and more, when I am already feeling at capacity and trying to figure out how to balance life again. 

We met Pete and his family for dinner the other night and I quickly ran out of stuff to talk about. I have very little to share that isn’t a work thing, or an obligation, or a responsibility that requires someone else’s input. 

How can a summer go by without a story? 

The story is that we were dealing with Es health. And that is her story to share, hopefully something she is recovering from, but free time was taken up. 

Now she is feeling better physically (much of the time) but not necessarily mentally and emotionally. Life is scary. The outside world isnt inviting or magical. 

And I understand that, I am routinely stressed regarding social interactions and new experiences… I am trying to remind myself it’s ok to be out in the world. To take up space and to see the space.

 It’s hard to be in conflicted positions, different lenses of the world, not sure where to reconcile. The world is scary and…

Pete watches his kids as they wander about the park full of strangers. And the kids are fine, almost out of sight, but fine. 

My urge is to be protective to jump in, to guide, but they don’t need that. Don’t need someone trailing them. They are figuring it out on their own, learning to regulate, to trust themselves. I’m so used to being attentive and so expected to, that when I slip for a minute or a day, I feel as if I’ve let everyone down. 

Started to see all my relationships aa needing me to be responsive all the time, rather than just showing up as I am. And most of the time, I am ok.  I’m fine. 

But it’s hard to build a future when the present feels scary or overwhelming, or already at capacity. 

How do we create more of that trust, that chill, that enjoyment of what is, rather than being frightful? Abundance not scarcity. 

There have been gray days in the last few weeks, or evenings when the storms blocked the sunlight, and I felt sad. Worried about winter. Wanted to shutdown and go to bed. Hard not to judge.

The business timeline might be more like January.  Could I take December off? Mexico City? DC museums? Holidays and creating an office space?

What does it look like to be settled in, rather than rushed? To have a place that isn’t in transition, but is ready? 

Handouts and transition paperwork and all…

I dunno. It’s all new.

Victoria recommended an art class, Wednesdays for fall. 

I’m hoping it’s a positive reinvigorating experience. 

Chrysalis

 It’s very difficult for me to figure out what I need to say or express right now. I feel like I’m dissolved in the chrysalis and don’t quite know my new bones or wings or whatnot.   

Part of this has been sparked by grief and loss, part of it by ongoing change without resolution, part of it by roles I’ve played and continue to play, part of it by recognition that perhaps I’m not getting my needs met in a variety of ways.  

A few days ago, I was telling my therapist that I felt little. Felt lost and confused, and was afraid of asking for help, and afraid of what would be asked of me. It felt especially weird because my adult self knows better, I can rationalize and understand easily… but it does not feel aligned to my feelings… and my feelings are scary because if I listen to them, does it require me to make changes? Does it demand more? Would I even know what to do with it…

The onset was death in one case, and in other cases something I should be looking forward to, but don’t feel at capacity to take in fully- don’t  know how to make the most of (friends in town). 

Brad died of cancer.  I am not sure how well I knew Brad, but for awhile we shared the same goals and mission. Later, between V and M I started wondering if perhaps Brad wasn’t someone all that trustworthy, or rather, I guess I just knew that he was flawed like us all. Not someone to look up to or make a mentor.  But that isn’t a bad thing, I can honor his life and his commitment to things that I cared about. I can thank him for the advice and role he played in my life. I can be especially grateful for the positive impact he had on the kids we both cared about.  I can feel sad for his family, and for the loss of someone in our community who was dedicated to trying. 

But I guess it isn’t the grief of his loss that has been bugging me, but the recognition of grief on a larger scale. Of the 10 years of changes since I was a teacher. Of the ten years of lacking a community to fall back on or be a part of. Comradery as my dad put it, and how that has changed so much over the years.  How about the ten years of moving forward without necessarily reconnecting or integrating the past? How about ten years of therapy that has allowed me to revisit things I once held high as my accomplishments and adventures, and added the recognition of their costs back into the equation. Being asked too much, for too long, and holding holding holding it all.  And not that it was bad, or it was anyone else’s fault, not the blame game, but simply a more elaborate picture.   And of course I do not have their voices and perspectives to offset my own, so it is simply a feeling of being alone -and then worrying that I’ll be asked back into the role of my 25 year old self… because I’ve not been present to demonstrate my growth. Or something along those lines. 

I work with a lot of older folks who are full of regrets and complaints, and I often think to myself, “take this as a lesson” but to which part of me, which voice do I give the microphone?  Am I happy? Yes, am I sad? Yes, I am both happy and sad.  As Ram Dass says.

And in that I can recognize a larger truth, that I don’t have to be terrified, that I can be curious, that I can allow what is -to be what it is.  But I also want to honor fully these experiences, and one of those experiences is that anxiety and fear that I will be relied on too heavily. That I will feel like I have to downplay my own stuff, so as to make room for someone else’s stuff.  Middle child in the back seat stuff.   

And it’s hard not to overplay or be dramatic in that. I found myself last night feeling ill. I felt like I had a fever, like I couldn’t thibk clearly, like I was achy.  I told E this, took a Covid test and complained about how hot it was. I was clearly out of it. She kept stopping and asking “are you ok?” And I was like… why are you asking?  

No im not ok, but there is nothing you can do about it. So let me be not ok. Don’t make it about you. Don’t make it feel like I have to be ok so I can assure you. I’m not ok. I don’t have health or energy for you, don’t ask. But of course I said none of this, except asking her why she kept asking… 

And that’s what it feels like.  I don’t ask for other people to help. But I also don’t trust that they will. I assume asking will only make it harder.   

For a while, my old coworkers were a team. We had a shared goal, and everyone stepped up. And that was what it was. I was the youngest and to some extent I thought that this was the way it was supposed to be. And then slowly, the dawning recognition came in, that it wasn’t sustainable… and then more and more recognition came through. It was amazing, and asked too much. And I didn’t have the boundaries or abilities to recognize that. I empowered myself and others, and also was not fully present for myself. And that sucks. 

In hindsight, I believe I recognize that they knew that before I did(about themselves).  

I find looking back that no matter how old I am, or How much I’ve grown, I am astounded by my own naïveté, over and over I get my hopes up, or believe something passionately, or whatever.. and then I am disappointed or exhausted by it.   So it’s hard to muster up the energy to see the people I love… have loved… knowing I will be disappointed or confused, or feel out of control due to my emotions or theirs. 

I watched a willem dafoe interview where he said, sometimes you have to try to fail.  This is advice I give to clients who are perfectionists, and it helped me to consider that I am wanting to be perfect and in control at these events. Want to manage my image, protect my heart and the small spot in their hearts that they have held for me. Hustlin for my worth as E would put it.  

Perhaps I should try to fail,  be as awkward as possible, be standoffish or rude, or numb.  Show up more fully and flagrantly fucked up. Take the risk to be a mess. 

I guess I need to give myself permission to be. My adult self can say that, but maybe not from a place of wise mind, not integrated yet. 

Maybe I haven’t been processing my grief and letting go, maybe I’ve just been running away for 20 years.  

It’s hard to be human. This is the curriculum. Gotta learn to trust it. Open to it. Embrace it in all its forms.  Let it be what it is.  Let the universe shape me into what I am, rather than trying to keep my preferences.  I dunno.  I dunno. I am a baby in the grand scheme of things. Maybe I need to be held.

August

 

It’s a Sunday night. I don’t really have much mental capacity, but Ive felt like I should be journaling all weekend.  I’m watching a tarot video and she says I’ll get back in touch with some old attachment I haven’t had space for in a long time… that I will allow it to unfold. 

The week has been particularly stressful. My company was basically purchased by an insurance company and ever since all the promises they have made have been upended and with a positive spin (a little two faced toxicity). So this week it was a new electronic health record… and very little preparation or forethought.     Mid week, I had to realize, that my job is about being with the clients, not stressing about paperwork.. and that made it easier. But I was stressed and somewhat furious all week. 

But on the positive side it will push me from the nest, get me away from this insurance company BS, and get me started with my own bs whatever that will be. I’m doing research and trying to figure out what private practice looks like. I want to leave, even have urges to leave randomly, but I want to get out ethically and potentially bring all my clients with me. 

The woman in the tarot video says emotions will come, especially nostalgia, and that I should keep feeling through it,  because it’s happening for me not to me. A reawakening. Some sort of truth I’m ready to integrate into my being. 

On Friday night I had a dream in which I came upon a table of old friends who were all hanging out, without me.  This has been something I’ve been thinking about lately a lot. About all these friendships I’ve let go. But in the dream, I went to each of them individually and tried to reestablish that I loved them, but that my limited amount of energy kept me from being in relationship, but that it wasn’t a matter of caring… whatever that means.  I woke up thinking of all these loved ones who I used to spend hours and hours and hours thinking about. How many loved ones have I allowed to pass through my life?

I spent much of Saturday thinking nostalgically, but also with that familiar anxiety that something bad was gonna happen. Later I got a text that one of my old coworkers died. I’d been told he was in hospice a few weeks ago, and that and other things had been bringing up all these nostalgic feelings. I dont know that my dread was related. But one of the people I talked to in the dream was the one that broke the news. 

Not to be weird but I do miss that side of me… the one that feels connected to the spirit and the universe and what not.  Able to tap the thread of the comings and goings. 

I feel grief lately for a lot of things and people. Parts of myself or my old life that I don’t quite want back, but do appreciate still. 

Last night I went to see the new Deadpool movie by myself. A late night movie in Minneapolis, a solo adventure.  So me.   I drove back through the city reminded of bars and restaurants and neighborhoods and coffee shops I once frequented, or special occasions with friends.  Again, I didn’t quite want it. But appreciated it.  I wanted to get home to E. I wouldn’t choose a night in a bar over a night with her, or even being in the same apartment in separate rooms… but I do miss all those past me’s sometimes.  

She has a chronic condition, an invisible disability, and we are making a life together. Easy in these cases to allow your world to shrink. How to make it big again? Or do I even care?

I’ve spent the last few months dreaming of world travel… so I must care… or be needing a break. She pointed out I usually travel in between major life events. Time to reflect and process… 

Friends are coming into town this month, and I’m worried I won’t have the capacity to meet them with enthusiasm. 

I’m 40 years old. I feel like I’ve lived lifetimes already.   

I want the future to be directed by hope and optimism rather than fear.  Abundance, openness, freedom. I waver though, I’m not sure I believe myself to have the capacity. 

I enjoy sitting around and avoiding all the meaning making… when you do it for a living, it get exhausting sometimes. 

Am I ready to give up the old parts of myself? The cds and book collections? Should I move away and start anew?   Should I go on a walkabout before I try to shoulder the rest of my life?

I dunno. 

Like I said, mentally I’m prettt dull tonight.