The day before the day before break

 To clarify I still have to work tomorrow. 7 clients too… 

I have work I should be doing today, but I am not very motivated. It’s like kids before winter break at school.

I am hoping to get some things in order for the future over the break, like maybe find an office and begin the process of leaving my job. Or decide I want to do something completely different. 

I want to engage in some practices like meditation, or maybe reiki. And do art, and read and write, and sit around a bunch… I’m worried I will do nothing and sink into depression. So I’m trying to give myself hints like - sign up for a class, have a checklist of things to do… etc. 

today I made this observation while waiting for my first client: “I spend a great deal of my time just forward of my body, predicting, anticipating, reaching, willing my body into the space I had just been, but I am already moving forward again. 

What would be different if I remained in my body, in my smile, in my stomach and chest, rather than floating through others experiences? 
Rather than tracking and predicting where they are headed, or judging because they don’t move into the space my mind designed for them?
What if I just was, in my body, as they were, in their body?”

If that looks funny it’s because it was typed somewhere else and the paste is weird…

I’m not sure I’ve spent much time thinking about that, as for many years I disliked my body and didn’t want anything to do with it. Now I’m more at peace with it, more aware of it as a vessel, sometimes even enjoy it.  

There is something about inhabiting your own face and being conscious of it… 

This weekend I might go gift shopping, or might stay in depending on how cold it is.  Maybe spent three days gaming. Maybe take a bunch of gummies and exit this plane of existence for a bit. 

I feel like I’m waiting on a sign or a pull, the tarot video I watched today said something to the extent of “the universe is waiting on you to choose a path, and you think you’re waiting on it. But once you choose it will conspire for you -and you’re having a hard time trusting it will be worth it. It’s ok if you miss out; but just so you know, it’s all waiting for you…“

To be the chooser… that’s my goal over this break. To make some decisions. 

But I’ve been tired this week. My attention is variable at best. I’d like to make the decision with out the eeny meeny miny moe     (Which is how I decide most things still you know…). 

Anyway… now I can add journaling to my list of things I did today. 

Will I do work now?  Will I read? Will I scour the internet for dopamine?