Been waking up crabby. Gray sky. Have to be self determined. Focus. For instance, today I had meant to wake up at 7 and go to the dmv to get my license renewed, but now it’s 11:53 and I’ve been told it will be up to two hours.
I couldn’t sleep last night. A combo of temperature, back pain, cat sitting (she was very active) and the door shifting back and forth (I assume it was just the air; but last night I was convinced it was a ghost for at least 20 minutes).
I woke up, and then woke up again, and then kept waking up.
Actually got up closer to 10 or 10:30.
Coffee and making sure the cat has its food and medicine.
I was thinking all these dark things on the way here. Like if I slip in the shower, how long till someone finds me? If I got into a car accident, how long till someone is notified? It’s one of those times where my parents are out of town… mom and Steve and Grant are up north. My dad and his fam are flying to Florida today. James and his fam are going to Puerto Rico soon. When my dad was dropping off the cat, he said, just so you know there is an extra insurance policy talk to your uncle ted, but also it’s on my desk… and I couldn’t help but think about what would happen if accidents happened to my whole family in their various locations, and suddenly I’m alone. Like I said, dark thoughts.
It’s raining in Minneapolis in late December. Been watching Instagram reels of radicals and wondering what is gonna change this world… and whether I will play any role in making change. I’m such a classic liberal clinging to my idea of being a middle class professional - you know?
All the people here (Ridgedale government center) look vaguely familiar. Copy cats of people I’ve known my whole life, the simulation is breaking down I guess.
My back feels bruised still. I’m an old man and achy and crabby and dark.
I’ve been wondering if I have too many options, too much freedom and that’s why I can’t make decisions. I can’t make decisions that are for me… that’s what it seems like.
Daily goals:
Spanish, exercise and either journaling, writing or art. Keep up with the household stuff, get one or two things done if not working. Eat relatively healthily. Maintain. Meditate?
Longer term goals:
-Meaningful work-business? teaching? Writing? Something that pays the bills and feels good.
-Church on sundays, and maybe a class or group each week.
-Connection with friends and family weekly.
-Do I want to own a house? Seems like I’m trying to keep up with joneses not necessarily excited about owning a house. Maybe a van down by the river?
Bucket list:
What does starting a family look like now a days? Is it even an option?
What about world travel? Is that still a thing? (South East Asia, the Middle East, Spain and Portugal). Or more locally, DC, NYC, somewhere in the south?
What about publishing a novel? Poems?
Finishing that grandpa video? Sending it to your cousin…
I’m not sure what I’m delaying so much. I have the opportunity, but no motivation. Maybe I’m afraid of letting people down or making mistakes and not knowing how to deal with it. Maybe I’m nervous about not having community and people around me in my work. But there are so many options, sign up with a different practice, do a co-op effort, get an office in a building with lots of other practitioners. Get a lawyer to help with insurance claims…
I don’t think I’m worried about not making enough money… not really, I think I’m not even sure what to do with my time when it is self directed. Its funny I go to work from 8-5 most days (that’s 9 hours), and I sit on my phone or on YouTube at work, instead of running errands or handing ing out with coworkers (doing that more lately), just sitting there for hours each day because “my work day” is 8-5. But what would I do with myself if my work day was 1-5? Or if I had a three hour window in the middle of my day? Or if I ended by 4 each day?
I spend so much time just sitting on my phone or playing games or watching tv (not recently)… just wasting time because actually everything is fine or done and I don’t have the energy or creativity or motivation to do more. Go to bed by 8 or 9 pm because I’m bored.
Maybe I’m scared of making my own structure because it’s hard enough already?
I dunno these all feel like big worries over nothing. All of this is super manageable and I’m just making excuses. People have real problems and I have too much time and too many opportunities. So silly.
I might go get my hair cut today and pay money because o don’t have a mirror or someone to line up the back. Living alone is stupid.
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