Accomplishments

 It’s 8:07 pm on Sunday Dec 15th. I turn 41 in one month. It’s probably because I’m listening to Damien Rice, or because it’s Sunday and quiet, or because I was just sorting old cards and notes people have given me or some combo, but there are moments of grief and doubt, and longing. 

Something is missing.

I went to church this morning. It was a lovely service. The fire ritual service… passing the light. They read a version of “the lonely ember” story. It felt like another push for community. 

After the service I made a smoothie, and ate by the large window in the bedroom. watched snl and played some Tetris. Then went and got art supplies at Michael’s, spent too much. Then spent even more for a massage at the mall. 

Then came home, did some Spanish - Duolingo, my dad texted about a walk. Why not? Did some laundry, headed out, came back and did more laundry and then art for an hour.

I’m trying to get in the habit again of doing at least 3 lessons of Spanish or 15 minutes a day. Trying to exercise everyday. Trying to write/journal or do some art every day. Clean something or organize something. 

Life feels positive. 

But something is missing. 

I keep spending too much time on my phone, keep distracting myself till midnight, iltosha, or scrolling… keep waking up to the depression of winter, fighting it off,  making the day productive, then again, then again. 

Tonight my organizing consisted of putting all the Christmas cards with the past cards and notes. Brief glimpses of the past, of illy and nova and Becky and laurel and students and coworkers and family going back at least 30 years… all sorts of people who have loved me, and who I have loved.And it felt like so much that I put it all in a plastic bin and tucked it away to be explored another day. Too much love, too much grief. 

I made a choice with my art project and I’m not sure how to fix it… I think it’s the point in the art project where I ruin it, and have to just accept that this is what it is. I can start a new one with all my new art supplies. 

Probably need to start having company more frequently… who to invite to my hovel? 

I have ideas of a future but I’m trying to just invest in my day to day.  Today I did Spanish, exercised, journaled, did art, and maybe now I will read?  Or scroll. 

It’s all been done.