My apartment smells like sage

 My apartment. I’m trying to get used to it. No longer ours. Not the place where I made a home with E for two years. Like a divorce everyone tells me. As she was saying goodbye today, she said “we spent every day together for over two years” and it’s mostly true. We exchanged goodbyes and sentiments, part of one another even if we can’t be together.  It was a blessing. 

It felt healthy. Even though it sucked. Like in previous breakups I got sick to my stomach. I cried my eyes out. 

I helped her grab things and said goodbye to Simba, knowing it will probably be the last time I see him in person. 

He was scared and sad. It sucked. 

It felt healthier today though. It felt like we were honoring one another, not full of bitterness. She was very loving, even if she probably wanted me to change my mind. 

We had a miscommunication about the tv. I thought I was buying the little one from her, she assured me she was taking that one and leaving me the giant one. I thought it was hilarious because neither of us wanted the thing that people fight over. 

I’m really sad. 

I also feel like I really needed to move forward, so even though it hurt all weekend when she would text and say she was moving stuff, I was also like… fuck, this is important and good, it just fucking sucks…

I’m worried about her. she keeps reminding  me she is not my responsibility. How I lost track of that… 

In some ways I guess the reason it felt healthy is that it felt like she was acknowledging that I really needed this even if it wasn’t what she wanted. That she understood I also had lost myself and that she was saying she loved me enough to let me go too. 

I tried to clean and organize and blah blah blah. I still need to do more. This week feels daunting, even though the tarot videos assure me it will be a profound positive change. 

It’s so quiet. No Simba following me around from room to room. I need to play music more often, maybe start the rock tumbler for some white noise. 

It’s been a really hard weekend.  Saturday I went for a walk with Rachel as Illy and Elsa moved more of her stuff. Today I went to church, saw illy and then my dad, crammed stuff in and then saw Elsa. 

Afterwards, it’s just been a struggle. It was good to do all those things’ I feel very loved and supported by my friends and family. 

I had work I needed to get done (says who???). I have more than enough time to get it done tomorrow and Tuesday, I am just worried I won’t be able to concentrate. It’s been hard to not want to distract… but I told myself on Friday night I was gonna stop doing that so much. (It’s been really hard not to). I set some limits on games and social media on my phone but who knows… I guess I just want to invest in myself and also engage in things more and the phone in particular has been a major distraction. 

Last night I watched The Family Stone, and it sure felt sad… 

I don’t even know what to say anymore except, I want to move forward and love myself, and invest in things that feel reciprocal and supportive, and meaningful. 

I don’t know what that is, but I need to start daydreaming AND taking action steps… need to level up I guess. Whatever that means.