dreams, preparation, challenges

It's colder in my apartment than I want it to be. Supposed to be warm today, but its early still, and I am huddled around my computer, kind of wanting to crawl back into bed.

I woke up with a strange dream. But I will come back to that.

I went to bed in a fairly good place. I had done some meditation and some praying. I was trying to remind myself to be my true self, and that in doing so I can be a better vessel for G-d -that I can do the work I am meant to do. That maybe my ego isn't what's important here, and that if I am called to do challenging work, then I should go do the work because that is what I am meant to do.

More and more I am aware that there was some attachment to the position that is now being challenged, there was this idea that I would fall back into something that felt good, a place of confidence, a warm golden light. And maybe I will continue to have that at the new place, but suddenly I am off balance again, questioning whether I am being valued, and what does that say about the work I will be doing? Will I feel at a lack?

Surprisingly, I am responding with some outer confidence, normally these types of situations make me feel like I have to take what is given, but part of me wants to say something about it today. I don't think they had poor intentions, but maybe the air needs to be cleared.
Part of it though, is that it is triggering the same spot for me that I had with M. That idea of a promise, not fulfilled for lack of truly investing in me. Is that what I want in a job? Does a job like that exist?  If I take this one, does it mean I won't have the one that is abundant OR does it simply delay, does it mean I am not creating my abundance and making the most of opportunities. I don't know. But its hard to have the same set of feelings triggered when I am considering committing to something. Maybe what I am looking for just doesn't exist when you are working in this field. Front lines work, regardless of where the front is.
It seems my perspective has shifted again, but we shall see how the meeting goes today. Does it feel like a positive environment? What is the vibe?


This is all out of order, but there were basically 4 distinct interactions. (files, Jess V, Jodi, Grandma)

In the dream we were on a bus. I was surrounded by folks I knew, some more so than others. I can't remember who was sitting across from me, but they were an old friend, someone I would normally want to impress but also would feel comfortable being myself with. At different points I was paging through a portfolio of paper files (could be the book, could be curriculum), I was paging through it like it was important, but no one around me knew what was what, it was mine. At another point, Jess V was there. I don't really remember talking to her, but wanting her to approve and be present, acknowledge me, be on my side. And she was. There was also a video clip of Jodi and her daughter, and they were hilarious commercials in which she was super glamorous and singing a song or something. It was out of character, except not, because it was Jodi's energy. And the people around me who knew her (which made me feel good -that different worlds were actually the same) were all enjoying it with me. But suddenly she was talking directly to me, talking about when we would go on our date (we decided that we would go on a speed date with people, and that my mom would pay for both of us).  It was nice to be acknowledged amongst people who knew her, but didn't know the connection. Like a special wink. I was talking to someone on the bus, or rather, I was listening and asking questions, and giving them the attention they deserved. It was a serious thing, and I wanted to be fully present, but suddenly my Grandma was on the bus. And I stopped listening and hugged her. Turned my attention back towards the person, but then did it again. Three times, I stopped listening to hug her. And it felt far more warm and comforting, and secure than any time I ever hugged her in person. She had the presence of the love I have for my mom, but it was my Grandma instead. Each time, it was disturbing to me that I would turn away from this other person who mattered, to invest in my self, and each time it felt like I tuned them out completely to do so. By the end, they stopped talking, and asked -and I said that was my grandma sending love from my mom.

Associations:
The files -when I was looking at them felt like work, but it was something I was proud of, something I wanted to show off but didn't want to be shared, they were mine. It was my work. In the light of day, my first association is that this was my book, my second is that it was curriculum or materials gathered for working. Either thing is like that to me. Its a treasure that I want to share -but not necessarily share credit for, something that I personally feel proud of. The other person feels like Laurel in my head -someone who I would have exactly this type of relationship with. Who would absolutely appreciate the work, but would also know exactly how it feels to have it come from within.

Jess V. Someone who I have always admired, wanted their approval and attention. And who triggers that feeling in me that I am not good enough, not deserving, will be rejected. (karmic shit)

Jodi. Passion and excitement, joy, fun and positivity wrapped in the personhood of someone who is struggling more than they should be. If the world were a fair place, she'd be on top. But instead she struggles. In the dream though, she is seen for who she is, and getting all that she deserves.

Grandma/listening. I was never particularly close with my grandma. She was not a warm person even though she attended to us with warmth -it was an effort on everyones part. In this dream she did not present that way. She was not herself -she was more archetypal, the warm, affectionate, caring, robust, appreciative grandma, reaching out for a hug not words, not advice... sadly, the security is the part that resonates most with me. My Grandma's money (or that side of the family) is and has been my security the entirety of my adult life. I have taken jobs knowing that I didn't need the money as much as others because of her. I have no substantial debts because of her. When I consider the salary that they offered, the thing that reminds me it is ok is because of stocks and blah blah blah. My grandma reaching out to hug me with security and warmth, drowning out the voice of the person I am listening to (the therapy work)... and me being ok with it. What does that mean?





Its funny.

On one hand I could interpret all of this as...

Mike, stop trying to do the right thing, and do the things that bring you personal joy and pride. You have the security. You have the blessing. Do it.

Or

Mike, you are good at what you do, and you can continue to celebrate and be good at it, because you have the security. You are in a unique position to do good, be your whole self there, and you will be proud of the work.