Idols and relationships

Struggled to sleep. Sometimes I think it has to do with the weather, maybe the full moon. Who knows. I had a million interesting dreams and wanted to stay part of them, but woke up in time for church.
In the shower I was arguing with her about love, painting her further and further into something she is not. This is my own way of trying to argue myself into boundaries and asserting my feelings, it likely has nothing to do with who she is. I want to send her a birthday text in a month, wishing her well. I want it to be real, genuine, and not a snide remark. I want to celebrate her, and also myself.
At church I realized I'd been harboring this grudge and that it wasn't what I really wanted, it was a distraction. I relaxed into the pew, but felt aches in my neck, shoulders and chest.
I want something genuine, something true, and I let myself be distracted by this relationship. The self deception and desire forced me into a corner. I continued to try to be what she needed, hiding my truth. It was a distraction, a drama, a karmic showdown, and it wasn't what either of us needed.
And then the preacher talked about idols, and I realized how easy it is to turn a relationship or a person into an idol. To want to constrict and control, to limit our self, and the other person, rather than be curious and open to the universe. It is easy to see how quickly something can go off kilter, one small deception, one small grievance, suddenly the world falls down all around us, and we point fingers and blame ourself or the other person. Both of us were caught up in an idol. Afraid of the truth because it was too big to comprehend.

And yet, all day I have been stunned by beautiful (attractive) people. I am so easily swayed to those limiting forms. So shallow, so awed by the impermanent. Three of four people smiled at me today, and any one of them could take me for the next spin down the wrong strand of karma. And I'd enjoy it immensely. Falling in love is a beautiful idol, G-d's image, breath, creation, but a finite piece is not G-d.