Days go by

There is a democratic primary debate happening. I turned it off. I don't really care about politics right now, because generally I assume we will choose poorly, and I know the extent to which I will participate this time around is voting, and maybe posting something on facebook. And that's about it.


I was walking through the toy aisle at Target and though I thought of the kids, I didn't have the same pull it used to. It was this moment of realizing how much has changed since last fall. It felt good, and bad at the same time. Lately I have been feeling more distant, less argumentative, more grateful. Like "Thank god you broke up with me, because I would have thrown my life away trying to please you and failed forever."   but of course it isn't that simple is it. I have been wondering how I would respond if I saw her, would I want to run? would I think of her as a hurt child? would I want to fight? Would I want to compliment her and ask her for coffee? Would I want to say goodbye? My chest hurts still.  Maybe I will just whisper "Thankyou for stopping by."   https://youtu.be/cPG6nJRJeWQ 


The tarot reader and the horoscope and the fortune cookies, all keep proclaiming that I am about to have a golden time. That I will be set, and new experiences and opportunities that are in high vibration are all just around the corner. I had a good day. I have been having good days. But nothing major has changed logistically. I went for a long walk with Rachel through a nature reserve. Had Pho 79 with Katie. Has coffee with Angela. Will probably have dinner with Illy tomorrow. KT reached out again. People are asking and I am enjoying the time. Shultz and Courtney texting. All good vibrations. But I might need more structure than this to move forward in life.


Still waiting to hear back on the job. I don't know what I will do with out it. Still wondering if some recent new people in my life will stay part of my life, or whether they were just a blink.


I have been posting to instagram more, I guess I need more outside validation?  I think it keeps me feeling more productive and a touch more creative.


I spent the afternoon with Angela, we always have more than enough to talk about. Different backgrounds and experiences, very similar mindset and interests. We discussed therapy and relationships, and the field, and books.


I read a little of the source point book today, and I feel like I got it pretty quickly. If the world is full of energy, each lifeform (and maybe non living things also) have a "blueprint" of their ideal form. I didn't get too far into it, but began wondering if later chapters will talk about the impact of other blueprints influencing us, or whether health issues simply derive from not being in tune with our own blueprint. Either way, I feel like I will get it, will enjoy the book but see it as just another framework humans have imposed on the same old structures -so the question will be how is this lens helpful? How does it obscure?  How does it hinder?   For instance, natural death and disease could be blamed on a person for not being within their blueprint (and that seems wrong).


I read the first dozen poems of another book and thought it sounded a lot like someone had taken any number of the books I have on my shelf and just simplified them down to a handful of lines, then published it.  This is a pet peeve I am not always sure how to express. Quit rebranding something and calling it yours without giving credit to those who came before you.


I am basically reading 6 books and paging through a few more. The Lies of Locke Lamorra is the fun read at night. Divine Names is for prayer and meditation. White Fragility for the book club. The poetry book, the source point book, A Good Time for the Truth when I want something hard. A few books on chakras and energy healing. And maybe start the book Courtney recommended which came from amazon today.  Amazon is dangerous is what I am trying to say. I have something like 50-60 books to read and new ones keep getting added to the list.


Listening to lots of Jesca Hoop, Dessa and Anais Mitchell. The last few years its become all female musicians. Maybe something about hearing at this age.


My Dad is recovering from his surgery, but struggling with the imposition of having to stay still. He doesn't do well without moving. We played chess. He kicked my ass. I wondered if he was pulling punches. I should tell him about some of the stuff I am doing in therapy around my relationship with him. We could be adults about things.


"I learned my lesson the hard way once..."
I always thought that was a great opening line.


Can't think.  Light some incense. Chant some arabic. Fill up the humidifier. Brush my teeth. Read some fiction. Try to sleep. Roll over a million times. Dream all the weird things. Wake up hoping for a call. Watch some tarot videos with a fruit smoothie and some triscuits (which is a great combo btw). Do some laundry. Play comp games or read a book. Write? See illy? Life is simple. Days go by.