Heart Vibes

This weekend has been weird and full of contradictions.  Im lonely but I don't want to see anyone. I'm excited but I don't want to do anything new. I am feeling good, but I'm taking naps and hiding in my dreams and under blankets.

I went to the coffee shop tonight after getting fro-yo with Illy. Had some tea, ran into an old classmate, saw some lizards (former students) walking down Nicollet.
I started reading The Whole Brain Child, which is a book that has been sitting on my shelf for months. Its a book directed at parents, but well known in the childrens mental health world, and I'd been meaning to read it.

I am reading it and all I can think about is M and her kids. I am suddenly back in the world where I was preparing to be their step dad. Where the entirety of my world was trying to learn to be the best I could be for them as a family. Where every thought went through that gate, and came out with a sense of purpose, that drove me to commit to things over and over.  All I wanted to do was be there for them, the kids, molly as a parent, as a person. I wanted to sooth her and allow her to be the best she could be.  And I am sitting in the coffee shop reading this book with all this grief, and I'm not angry, or hurt, or frustrated like I have been, I'm simply back to the person i was before only this time without the purpose... and I miss it a lot.
I miss what it felt like to be in love, and to believe that I would have a family, and to believe that I could contribute in a way that would be meaningful. I miss loving them, thinking about them, worrying about them, trying to communicate my best intentions. I realize again, how much I loved being in love, how I loved that part of me that I was learning about, that I was awed by, that I was thrilled could handle so much new stuff, and open so wide, to let in a mom and her two amazing children and just love them. Love them so much, be so excited to get to watch them grow up, to think about them.   I miss it.

It doesn't change anything. The relationship is not salvageable. I won't get to have that role with them. But I am aware how meaningful it was to me.

How do I get that without sacrificing who I am for it? How do I get that without ignoring red flags and all the signs that the other person doesn't love me back, not nearly enough to make things work...

Life felt so much more meaningful when I got to share it, that even the little things were amazing. I didn't need the world, just needed that. And I know it isn't true... but it felt true.
I don't remember the exact wording the last time I saw her, but I said something like "this isn't what I wanted..." and she said something like "I know, you'd been wanting it for a long time." And amongst all the other bullshit stuff we said to each other, it was one moment of reality. Sometimes, I feel like she did know me enough, and knew she couldn't love me the way I needed to be loved, so she pushed me as far away as possible.  It kind of sucks.
We are all just children wanting someone to help us integrate... and pushing them away for doing so.