fragile white people

Before we broke up, M traumatized me into feeling bad about not being a good enough anti-racist. 
The difficulty is that I was going to her (my partner) to discuss a situation that had happened at work that wasn't sitting well with me, and my idea was that I would talk it through with her and then go back and do the real work of making change. 
But all she heard was "I didn't act (in the moment)"  and threw it in my face basically implying I was a coward and not good enough for her, rather than seeing it as a serious opportunity for change.
Thats her shit. I know that now. 

But I have and will continue to work on my shit:
Recently I joined this white fragility book club at my progressive social/racial justice church. But from the moment I walked in, I felt like they were making us too comfortable and not really jumping in. We have to get grounded in the rules, and the shared definitions, and the blah blah blah. Which means we have three meetings left (spaced out a month apart), to delve deeper. 

I took a moment to point out some commonalities and the inherent contradictions coming up in our attempts to discuss one aspect of being white and wanting to become anti-racist...which is that we are told not to burden people of color with our ignorance/naïveté/racism while also not ever being educated on how to grow out of that socialized behavior/world view -EG don't ask your black coworker to give you feedback because it puts the burden on them, however you are surrounded by other white people who don't have the answer either -leading to avoidance of the issue rather than understanding or discussion. I said its like growing up only knowing English, and asking someone else who also grew up knowing english to teach you about other languages that neither of you know.  A bunch of people responded trying to say that it was "good" to not "harm" people of color with our own ignorance, and I thought that went without saying, however, I was trying to point to the author's reflection that one aspect of white supremacy that reinforces itself is the good/bad binary, - so by trying to not be racist (don't ask the person of color), you are staying racist (because the white people don't know), and that even as we talk about it, the tone and word choices imply that a person is bad for not knowing or being wise to the water that we are swimming in...
apparently it went over their heads. 

I guess I was just frustrated with the idea that we were all there having sought out a book/discussion on white fragility, but we are still too fragile, and unwilling to think critically about it. I would basically say this is white liberal guilt about taking the wrong steps, and reinforces the same old power dynamic.