Just finished the Sourcepoint Therapy book, and gave up on The Buddha In Your Mirror after skimming through enough of it to get the gist. Next book is likely the Whole Brain Child, and finish a Good Time for the Truth, and then start Courtney's book and finished the ones shultz recommended.
Starting work next week, so I probably won't have as much time to read... also Altered Carbon season 2 came out and I love it. So... probably finish that this weekend.
I told myself to sit in this coffee shop and write all night. But already I have very little to say.
Neurofeedback the other day re-taught me that I am "uncomfortable" with feeling good. Is it a bad thing to feel happy? excited? apparently I have decided to live that way. I am interested how this type of therapy would impact friends and family. Is it cheating? To what degree would ringing a good singing bowl or playing the right music have the same effect? Repeating buddhist or hindu or sufi chants? Illy says that I should microdose, and that when she is manic she gets frustrated with me for living into fear as much as I do. The neurofeedback therapist also told me I seemed really sensitive to frequency changes. Which was a nice sort of validation. I want to use myself as an experiment, or have her collect data, and also not have to pay for it...
"Nam-myoho-renge-kyo"
"Jyotir aham"
"ar rahman, ar rahim"
"Order, balance, harmony, flow"
I am considering making my apartment a meditation studio. I am hoping to join meditation group through a local center, that is for mental health professionals.
I am curious as to the repeated sounds found in chants around the world. Maybe there are certain things that resonate at the right frequencies, or have more power than others. Maybe the intention is all that matters. Maybe recognizing the light, the blueprint, the source, the god, the universe, in its pure form and calling on it is enough. I never thought it mattered if you did it silently or out loud (G-d should hear you regardless), but now I am wondering if there is some magic to the voice.
Lately I pray for harmony, for balance, to recognize abundance and be gracious, to not live into fear but rather love, for all the loves and all those who continue to support them, or for whom they are thinking, for all those suffering.
I started taking CBD oil in small amounts, and I thin it makes me sleepy. I don't know that there are any other effects. It doesn't happen right away, but like an hour later I'm ready for a nap. Maybe on nights I can't sleep I can take a few drops. Maybe I just need my spine adjusted? Maybe I need to see a ROLFer, or get my stomach balanced.
A few days ago I was questioning if there is some other thing I "should" be doing, and I am not really sure. I don't feel called to interrupt this pattern right now, if anything, I feel like I need to accept what is, and embrace the flow of life a bit. Continue to invest in my health. Pay my bills. Just live into the next few years and trust that things will balance out. That I can invest, but can also stabilize a bit, and then from there, rather than being drained, I can seek out next steps. Timelines are weird.
There are all these people at this coffee shop who look like younger versions of people I have known. Makes me wonder how those folks are doing. Makes me wonder how we all have each others faces. Time doesn't exist sometimes.
How can I be a conduit for truth, light, love? How can I serve to help bring people into their own healing? How can I serve the world and not let it fall into darkness again?
There is some part of me that thinks we are all praying for this virus to wipe us out, end our state of feeling responsible and out of control... give us something to fear that is outside of ourselves, that is real, solid, and takes away our options.
The Nichiren buddhism book talks about the lower and higher states of consciousness that humans experience (often cycling throughout the day). I like the idea of these as states of existence rather than places or traits.
1) Hell
2) Hunger
3) Animality
4) Anger
5) Humanity (tranquility-neutrality)
6) Heaven (rapture, temporary happiness)
7) Learning
8) Realization
9) Bodhisattva (compassion)
10) Buddhahood
I am all over the place these days. One of the funny things about my relationship with M, was how often I was trying to consciously put myself in the higher state but felt pulled to the lower. To hunger, anger, animality, heaven.
A bunch of these youngins were writing "F" in comments to my instagram post, and I commented "Fail? Follow? Props? you kids get off my lawn." I am a funny... also then I realize it could also be like funny? or flame? Kids these days, I am at least 8,000,000 years old.
This weekend: I have therapy tomorrow, and church on Sunday. A couple of people have said they might be interested in getting together, but I am not even sure if I want to... I need to check up on my rents -they both have had recent surgeries, and I feel like I should play the pious child before I get busy again with work. Work starts next monday. I need to fill out some online stuff and a bunch of paperwork before I begin, but basically next week is corporate training and the week after is real job training. Though I assume next week I will learn their computer system too.
Jobs are weird. Life is weird. I would like to get back to just being myself and accepting how silly all of this is.
I don't think i am gonna be able to keep this "writing for a few hours" jumble up. I could switch to book writing, but I don't really feel like Im gonna be able to invest the energy needed before moving on to the next thing. There are some days I wonder if I stay here, will M have a supervision session with someone here. Sometimes I find myself delaying to see if I run into her. Its kind of stupid thing, I could call her up anytime if I actually wanted to say something. I am just as responsible for playing into the avoidance as she is. I guess that is why I go to coffee shops though, just an opportunity for kismet of some sort, randomly run into someone or meet someone new. There is possibility when you are out of the house that doesn't exist in your lonely den. Netflix, computer games, books, unused art supplies, amazon cheap and quick fixes, candy. The little low vibration things that get you through the days.
Oh well. I better get out of here. My little race car rental car is making me wonder if I should be buying something different next time. Something with heated seats.
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