I am sitting at spyhouse. There is a couple sitting at the table in front of me. Both have frizzy dark brown hair. Both have brown eyes that are both soft and intense. It is their gaze. It is the responsiveness. It is the fact that they are sharing the air between them, the bad breath, the vulnerability. I love them. I love that they are so intimate. I love that their hands are placed casually upon each other, that their bodies lean in, that their laughs are so genuine, and their bodies still expressive. I love that their dimples can't help but show, that they nod and reassure with every moment. That the momentary pull away, is rewarded rather than the cause of more distance. I watch their energy flow back and forth, pull and crash between them. Watch it spike when they are connected. Watch them try their hardest to look away, so that they can gather their own sense of self back...
They are so 'story book'. They are so 'engagement photos.' They are so new to their intentions that they can't shake each other. It's beautiful. It makes everyone in the place that much more innocent and beautiful.
I have been reading a book about how conflict in relationships is the opportunity for growth and growing up. It reinforces a lot of the stuff I already felt, and reminds me again that I can't force my desires on someone else, but always will, and that I need a conscious partner willing to tangle.
I find myself surprisingly open to things.
My mom suggested I meet someone, and rather than meeting at a crowded place, I am almost more like, yeah lets get coffee.
I find myself wanting to be asked. I find myself wanting the opportunity to work.
Maybe I just made it past my roadblock, or maybe I am bored, or maybe its the pain in my tooth that makes me want to get up and do, rather than sit here and think -which I can't do. But the fear is temporarily gone. I am ready for the world again. I am feeling capable again.
The job I suddenly want is at a small private practice. A small team of mostly women and a dog. Teen therapist. A small creative place. Likely, part time at first. Likely a half step towards licensure, but perhaps a good step overall, something more like LNAS than like a private research lab, or a cookie cutter treatment center. Now I am worried I won't get the opportunity. Isn't that funny? Go from wanting nothing, to being afraid you won't get something within a day or two. I suppose I need to apply for all the things, and make it work.
The other day I had a spell of crying, and realized I was afraid that I would end up n the same place again this time next year. That I would face more failures, or more temporary fixes.
It's true. I will. And it's ok. It will be wonderful.
You gotta feel your lines.
Ive been listening to a lot of Jesca Hoop lately. I bought two cds, and they are both great, and yet both cds that I will likely play out and then never want to listen to again. As I was listening to them the first few nights, I kept having this thought that I'd been missing out for a long time. But it doesn't really work that way, does it? Things move you in their own time. The songs that someone else loves, the books, the shows, may not move you when they move them. And that's ok.
Sometimes I am shocked that other people have the same biases they have had for years. I seek out thoughtful help, and find most people are in the same spaces I have been. But I find myself in a place where I judge people less and less. It's hard for me to stick to rigid ideas of right and wrong. Easy to see why a person might do a thing or not, and yes still important to hold them accountable, but for what reason? To ensure you get your vengeance or to create a better world?
It's not that I don't react from the same places... I absolutely have those flare ups, just easy to recognize that my righteousness isn't right, its just reaction.
All of this after I have my coffee of course. In the morning I am a monster.
I've been having lots of dreams with old loves in them. Friends, lovers, family. Pivotal situations where there is tension, but no decisions are being made. Where each person is looking at the other waiting for the shoe to drop, but it isn't dropping. Where each waits to see who will apologize first, or make the amends, or hug... Nothing is resolved in the dreams, but I am really happy for their presence. I do love a good presence. Hehehe.
My apartment is really lonely.
Its small, and quiet, and alternates between too cold and too warm in the weirdest ways (due to drafts I am sure). I am usually in slippers, and I think I should buy extras for visitors. I don't have furniture, but I do have a couple of chairs curtesy of Illy, and a couple of giant pillows that can be lounged on -though not for long periods of time. I've been trying to learn tarot and astrology.
I haven't painted in a few weeks, but I did destroy one pair of pants doing that.
I have been reading and watching shit, and playing comp games and seeing people.
I have been doing a little meditation. I have been swiping on apps.
I have been day dreaming, and arguing far too much like a drama llama.
I wish I were writing more.
I was thinking that if I get this part time job, I should set up a writing schedule and alternate throughout the day. Like 2 days a week write, 3 work. I could live that way for a long time.
No comments:
Post a Comment