Random Thoughts

Sometimes I get discouraged when I read a really good book, because I have so much work to do on mine. I am still struggling with point of view and accidentally dabbling in multiple POVS or going omniscient when I mean to be limited. It's difficult.


I just finished All the Light We Cannot See: which was recommended by a bunch of folks, and I liked it, but found it slow at first and felt it jumped between POV characters too quickly. I am not sure how I feel about the ending, it isn't hopeful, but it feels realistic. For a moment in the story, the stars align. But it does not end on that note, it goes back to being gritty and not magical at all. Even many of those moments when there could be an outpouring of emotion, are undermined with the reality of human subtlety, and our desire to escape anything that feels too real. We aren't characters in a movie with multiple heart-felt awakenings... just human. Afraid. Shy. Unaware how our behavior impacts others' stories.

The subtleties of "showing up" for people... what are we to do with that?  I wonder if I will ever feel I was enough, did the right thing, etc. It's funny how books like this remind me (referring to previous post) that to be human is to be flawed. The "good" die as easily as the "bad" and make the same mistakes along the way.

Sometimes I sit and wait. I wait for the next step in my life. I wait for the next thing to call me. I wait for an interruption. I wait for something fated. I feel like my life is getting back on track, but I keep expecting it to feel magical. Or hoping it will. But that isn't human. We are far more fragile,  more often met with tragedy than success, or at least just as often. My horoscope, fortune cookies and tarot readers love to share the good news, that my lucky star is just around the corner -You just have to believe, get out of the way, take the right step, notice the opportunity. I wonder if life is more about recognizing the blessings after the fact, and reminding yourself to say I love you, please, thank you at every opportunity so that you don't miss your chance. Victoria said she loved me (friendship) on the phone, and I said yeah, hit me up later.  My Dad called and said he couldn't hear me, and I said we'd talk later.  Maybe I am missing my lucky stars every single time. Not fully grasping the importance yet, and maybe the lesson will have to repeat until it strangles this lifetime and launches me into the next.

In a lot of the soul spiritual stuff, they say anything fated or karmic will offer itself again. You don't have to ask for their name and number, you're bound to bump into them again at some point if it is fated. But at some point, you do have to recognize that it is important. You don't have to make nice and heal if it is true, because you'll be give the opportunity again in this life or the next... but at some point you do.

People keep telling me I will have the opportunity:
I am no longer hopeful. That is what all the arguments are always about in my head... what do you do when you have the opportunity? Say I love you. Say thank you. Say You fucked up. Say I can't be with you. Acknowledge that my heart is still stirring and scarred. Simply say Hi? Say please come around again.

They say the cycle is complete. Stop holding on. It didn't mean what you thought it meant. And some part of me defends her still, lingers just a little longer in a familiar place. Stares a little longer in the crowds. Has difficulty not prying into the secret places.
It's always like this.

What does my mindfulness say?
What can feel to completion?
What can I observe with non-judgment?
What can I appreciate?

Better take care of yourself before your sugar drops too far. Thats the lesson.


Or as Nicola puts it "abundance or bare minimum?"