Complexity

I woke up feeling grumpy. I hadn't slept well. I was arguing in my head and in my heart. I keep having these bizarre dreams, and half of them include her. All morning I was arguing in my head with M about the way she handles things, the running away, the dirty pain, the choice to make things black and white, when really we should all be seeking the gray, the nuance, the complex. I did this with every person I have ever dated, and most of my close friends, and my siblings, and my parents, and do it with myself if I am not filled with drama... it is a normal pattern, but it doesn't make me happy, and half the time I try to stop myself by laughing it off. It's just that is doesn't lead to anything.

I went to the late service at church. It was really inspiring and really helpful for a while to get out of my own shit. The sermon discussed why as people of faith, we choose to see the whole person, the the layers (positive and negative), the wonderful things the person has done, and also the difficult choices they made, the way humans create and beautify, but also neglect and oppress, because ignoring these things, or simplifying the story doesn't lead to the the healing we actually desire, or the world we want to create. It was like they were arguing the thoughts from my head, only in much more uplifting ways. And so I left church, feeling a more upright spirit. Felt like there was opportunity. Like there were people in the world who would continue to wrestle and do good stuff, and not shun those who did not, but continually invite them back into the fold. And for a few minutes, I was certain that at some point in my life, I will probably go to UU seminary and learn how to be a leader of the church, because it is soooooooo invested in the same things and leads me down paths that I feel connected to and want in my life.

Then I had a break. And prepared myself for a workshop by watching tarot videos, and again I felt like she was speaking right to me.

Then I went to this workshop, full of anxiety and nervousness that I didn't even know I felt. And surrounded by loving in-tune body workers, I felt welcomed and supported by these strangers, felt healed in ways I didn't know I needed and felt like people saw and could hold me even though I didn't  know I needed it, wasn't even sure I wanted it, but it was safe, and they told me I was safe.

I kept seeing their auras expand and contract. I kept feeling mirror neurons firing. Felt waves of heat. Waves of unsureness. Waves of embarrassment. Sweating. But also these moments where I felt deeply connected to a stranger - and to some extent this made me aware just how vulnerable I have felt (since M). That again, I have felt traumatized into feeling like I do not deserve touch, and can't give it without hurting someone. I had all these memories of childhood and people invading my space, and feeling like what I wanted was intimacy and positivity and what they gave me was pain. And what I gave them in return (and passed on to others) was dirty pain.
But ultimately, I was grateful for the workshop. Felt healing. Felt lightened by it.

I came home. And felt determined to get some good sleep because I have an interview tomorrow, and I would actually like to be awake. It's at 8 AM, so I will probably wake at 6. Someone reminded me I can sleep all day after that. I want the job, or at least I do at this point. I have been wrestling with how much money to ask for. I am afraid I will get my hopes up about the job, and then be disappointed. I am thinking it would be a good thing to stay for a year or two and finish my LGSW hours. Maybe pursue some somatic trainings, or brain spotting or something during the time. I am not sure what I want to do with my life, but I am aware I want to move forward.

I watched some more healthy healing videos tonight. Relationship energy cleansing etc.  I said prayers, I considered what I was grateful for, and all the wonderful things I am thankful for since my relationship ended-and in many cases only because the relationship ended, and I felt clean and whole.

But my mind drifts back to her continually. Or rather this idea of her that I am arguing with. It's not her. It isn't the whole her. Just the part I don't get.
So I rest for a while, and suddenly I am arguing with her again, it's funny because I have been doing this in my head far more than we have ever argued in person.
And I can't tell if this is healthy or more harmful. Like does it come up because I need to get it out? or  does it come up because I am dwelling and it is comfortable to stay stuck?

-the anger of asserting myself in ways I wasn't given the chance to:  "Hey, I am now experiencing so much positivity, and it makes me very aware how poor you were to me. And I feel hurt, and manipulated, and not all of that is my fault, and it isn't ok that you blamed it on me. "
Or
-The anger that comes when someone you love continues to make poor self-sabotaging choices "Hey, I love you, and it hurts me to see you hurt yourself, and people are here to help, if you will just ask!"
Or
-the anger of my ego, "I deserved better than your bullshit."
Or
-the anger of pain "Hey you fucking suck and I wish you would feel the pain I am feeling."
Or
 just the frustration that comes with confusion and being cut out, when you were so connected to someone... "I am still in shock, I loved you, I would have done anything to make it work, how is it that you threw me away so easily...?"

It is somewhat ego driven that I say this, but in most psychological/spiritual circles, recognizing the whole person and being able to forgive, heal, work through things, communicate etc, are seen as more mature, while seeing things as black and white, holding grudges, running away, etc, are seen as immature. And all day I've been arguing in my head with this person who I know to be much more dynamic and complex and layered than she chooses to act.  And that is really insanely difficult for me... because in so many ways, her life looks more put together, more successful, more productive... I am jealous of her and the people who get to be around her. I want that clarity she projects, that decisiveness even though I know underneath that she is far from certain...
And in my mental chatter, and sudden heat sweats, and fits of pain, am I being the immature one who can't move forward, or am I still processing the layers as they come up?

I don't know. I don't know.


Wish me luck on the job. Maybe I'll learn a lot more about myself and others.
Infinite swirls, not circles, not linear, not stuck.