Throat Chakra Issues

I am watching Nicola talk about how fear keeps people trapped, and from speaking their truth, and I question, what fear is keeping me from speaking up?

I am aware of the messages I was told, that my words hurt, that they can't be trusted, that they weren't wanted.

During our relationship, the two songs that often played in my ear when things weren't going well were from Rent "I should tell you" the song between Mimi and Roger, and "Take me or leave me" the song between Maureen and Joanne, both songs talk about communication issues between the couples -being honest and open, appreciating/being appreciated and accepting a person as they are. Both are more about the characters own hang ups than the issue between them, but none of them can see that.

I am aware that I routinely subdued my own reactions because I understood her patterns, her relationships or lack of, understood why they were there and why they might be happening. I tried not to personalize these patterns, but inevitably by accommodating for her unhealthy patterns,  I wasn't listening to or speaking my own stuff.

After our relationship ended, I continued to do this, focusing on the patterns and intellectualizing the relationship rather than feeling the hurt/anger in my response. I felt abandoned, but said that it was for the better -which though true, was skipping over the difficult part where healing was needed.

I am aware that I felt my truth was dismissed, ignored, unheard. That my heart was not held. That when I asked for support or help, I was shamed for not being strong enough. That when I asked for what I needed, it was denied.

I am also aware that I decided that some things should be kept secret or private because they were safer. And that generally, I withheld talking about the difficult aspects of my relationship because I felt it would be disloyal.

Towards the end I withheld, didn't share, fell into my own secretive patterns, and in not being able to speak my truth, acted out.

I am aware that I often withheld judgments in the moment, because I was trying to appreciate all aspects of a situation.

Lately, the places I have been pained and hot, were not just in my heart, not just the nausea in my stomach, but a heat in my upper chest. Like I had something to get out, and instead it just fumed inside.

I have a need to say something, to assert myself honestly, but don't want to be hurtful. Don't want to recycle this pain back and forth. I want it to be healed.

I have found that writing, has been the best way of balancing myself, so even though it often feels negative, when I walk away from journaling, I feel less negative. My negative thinking and doubts, are so strong... and I need to consciously place them outside myself.

I feel better when I am living with integrity, and being honest with myself and others. But I don't want to act it out, I want to be able to express it.

Routinely during our relationship I saw her inability to speak, literal loss of words, repeating phrases and stories, not understanding, feeling too scared or angry to address things. She complained of pains, and pushed things away without addressing them. It became a reality of our relationship that we were avoiding her often unspoken fears.

This pattern is something I have felt numerous times, and I need to address it within my family, especially with my Dad, but then also my brothers and my mom. Then practice it in relationship.

Regain my voice and not be afraid of the rejection and loss, learn to not take it personally when it happens. Easier said than done.