A and B and C

A) Last night as I was falling asleep, I thought how funny it is to have random moments in which I can't remember why we broke up. Like life feels incomplete and strange now. I was considering how I have experienced that before with past loves. How even years later, I will randomly have a moment where I remember how much I love (d) them and wonder why they aren't holding my hand. This is the problem with loving people deeply. They are always there in my heart. The degree varies, but the space is still present.


B) This morning I woke up crabby. I struggled to find motivation to do anything. As I was headed to meet my mom, I noticed Mo had posted a new picture and wrote: 'A new picture, I get fiery, a slight hint of nausea, angry, a desire to control, to know, to contain. I don't trust my feelings, I don't trust how she provokes them so effortlessly. I miss her and want her endlessly, and yet...  I cannot and will not have her. I am more than jealous. I have to talk myself into my better nature, I have to remind myself that when people change it is natural and for the better, I have to remind myself that there were more difficult times that I am forgetting, I have to remind myself that in the end I want her to be happy. And I want that for myself, and if she is not happy with me, then why try to hold her back? I am desirous of something that I don't know. I wonder how much of this is my childhood flaring up. I wonder if I will ever trust myself or someone else enough to love without these moments in which they own me so fully and I hate them for my love for them. Lately I've become aware of how controlling she is, how everything has to be her way, or her fear is rampant, how she doesn't trust herself, how she doesn't take time to reflect, how in her unsettledness, I could never be at ease. I have always beet attracted to fire, I have always mistaken its warmth.'

C) Pooja and my mom have both suggested they could set me up on a date with someone. I don't know that I am ready. I am terrified. I am more pessimistic than anything else... how could anyone be a match? How can they be the fire and conscious enough to keep me from getting burned?
Lunch with my mom was good, but ultimately I am still in the same place. I know what I want and what I don't. I know the mindset I would like to stay in, and also how difficult it is for me to stay there. I know what I need to do, and know that I am terrified to do it. I know that I am capable of loving, and giving love to the world, and I know I am devastated by how we choose to hurt each other. I am still feeling guilty for the hurt I have caused a dozen people...  my mom casually reminisces about how when I was two I was empathic enough to recognize that waking her up (even when I needed to) was causing her some discomfort. She's laughing and smiling... and I am thinking, what a fucking burden. I leave lunch, feeling really positive about the people I love, even those that have hurt me. I remind myself that what I really desire is integrity and honesty, and that I'd be able to handle the pain a lot easier if it wasn't so dirty, if it could be laughed about. If it could be shared a little. I am grateful for the people in my life. I am awed by them. I want more of this.