Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

Can I just acknowledge that it's painful?
Can I just cry and let go?
Can I reduce my desires down to just the bare minimum of reconciliation and have that be ok?
Why is that too much to ask?
It's my fucking birthday, can't you acknowledge that you loved me even as much as a random stranger? And if you hate me so much, if I am really that bad, can't you just say that...



40 minutes later:

I've been really into watching a specific tarot reader for the last few months. Her messages this week have been completely on... her stuff for today and tomorrow (which I previewed) were so specifically accurate that I am having a hard time not just recognizing that the universe is trying to smack some sense into me.
I wrote a whiny post... no, its real, its where I am at, I am feeling pained and stuck in it. And within minutes, multiple people reached out (without knowing anything about it) to wish me well, to share potential jobs, to say hi.  I have had nothing but ridiculous amounts of love thrown my way these past few months. People left and right trying to be part of my life, and instead of dwelling on the fact that my family and friends were all fighting over who gets to see me and how much, I was overwhelmed by the pain that one specific person didn't care. Something is really wrong with this situation.
As Nicola says in the tarot video, I am allowing the devil to steal my blessings.
I've given two years of my life thinking and praying and wanting this person in my life, and they simply don't want to be. So why I do keep trying when it leaves me so much room and energy to focus on people who do want to be?
I've got a ton of people who love me, and desire to see me do well.
What is wrong with me that I want to go to sleep early to escape this?
I don't deserve to hold onto this weight any more. It's not mine. I am not responsible for it. And its making me miserable, making me feel like less of myself, making me see the world in ways that I don't want to... this isn't ok. I don't need that in my life.

(I can't deny that even as I write this, I still don't know what to do about any of it.)
But I need to be aware of the sweetness surrounding me.
These people are genuinely lovely.
Hhehe I've always found honey, just a touch too sweet. (wink)