at 36

I slept poorly.
Woke up to realize I could help a friend out (yay!)
Realized I'd already let that friend down (boo!)
I haven't had enough coffee yet, but I am still stuck in the hurt.
Arguing, trying to understand, to negotiate, thinking through all the things unsaid, all the ways I can imagine justifying either of our positions. And it just reminds me that this is why I am stuck. That this is the reason I can't move forward, because I am looking for some cognitive key, when the truth is that I need to move. Need to behave differently. Need to change the practices to change the life.

But I am in pain.
I am afraid of more pain.
I am wound up with really toxic pain.
And this isn't getting me anywhere.

I keep reminding myself that I am making small steps forward, to dwell on that, to consider the areas of openness, to consider the areas where I am trying new things. Being my silly self, or creative self.

But I am also called back to the circumstances by a passing car, or a call, or a text, or a facebook post. I am aware that there is some connection to my family, my parents, in this pain. To pleasing others when it hurts me. To not being clear about my boundaries. To trying to control things on behalf of myself and others.

I am aware that I am dreading my Dad's health issues. That I want him to go through this temporary struggle so that he can have a longer period of health. How it bothers me that he is dreading it, when he could be seeing the positives. How there is genuine friction in his life, that he doesn't know how to move forward on... and I go right back to trying to support him even though its his own shit.


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What was it I wanted?
To learn and grow in my ability to help people. To  have new tools, to be able to serve effectively. To push back at systems that make it more difficult, to help people learn about themselves and how to grow. To empower themselves. To help ourselves out of defeating patterns.

Maybe that is why I haven't moved forward in a worldly way, I am still doing these things and trying to figure them out for myself. I am seeing friends and family, helping them with their shit, addressing my own stuff, learning more and growing the ways I can help. I am not IN IT right now, but I am also not pushing myself beyond my capacity. I am addressing my needs, and trying to establish some positive supports, remind myself who I am and what I am capable of...

I wanted these things and a family, and a partner, and was willing to sacrifice for a time to get that.
I figured that's the place I was at in life, and where I was willing to show my dedication. But I guess it doesn't work like that. People attract good things in life out of the best of themselves, not just their ability to give in.  Thats the lesson I need to learn ultimately. I don't want to JUST be the person who everyone goes to when they need help, I also want to be the one they just want to have fun with.