The life

Rachel says maybe I need more time, like a flower trying to bloom in the wrong season. 

I find myself motivated in spurts to do things that don't necessarily lead forward. They feel like they could be helpful, first instance I am going to start seeing a therapist for neurofeedback soon and maybe the rewiring of the brain/learning about the process will trigger some desire to move forward. Similarly I have been taking probiotics and vitamins again, hoping to increase some dopamine production. -I think the antibiotics I took for the last month have really knocked me out, but maybe it was the lack of structure, or the weather, or not knowing what I am doing with my life, or processing of emotional trauma from the lifespan. 

I still find myself split between visions. I ask for all sorts of guidance from the universe, and mostly it answers in positive experiences that get me through the day, but that don't lead to a vision of the future that is any brighter. 
My mom reminded me she asked me to be a part of a training she is running in a few months. I can't even get myself to fill out my renewal info for my LGSW (Don't worry its not due for another week or two), but the same thing happened with my teachers license, and suddenly the deadline was past. And I wasn't officially a licensed teacher anymore. 
So many hoops.

I am trying to credential up... that's the whole gig these days. Spend another year or two creating a base of understanding, of trainings, of work experience in the field... and then you can move up to the next job, or you can claim you know something even if you still feel like a fraud. Some friends have skipped the process entirely. Some others have gone through the long slog, and are starting their private practices. My mom is probably disappointed that the work she has created won't get passed on. All the expectations. 

The pseudo date asked me if I had gone in to the right field. It was a bold statement, question, joke, which she wasn't wrong to say. I guess I am questioning this somehow as well, questioning everything really. 
They say most therapy is really about the relationship. What does that mean for an empath introvert with social anxiety and not enough energy to invest in anyone?
What else would I do?   We live in a service economy, if I can't make a product, and can't offer a service what else is there?
I don't want to do the classic teacher thing. 
I hate academia.
I have no skills in physical therapy.
I am not a natural entertainer.
I want to do spiritual stuff, but find myself laughing at it while I pursue it. 
I want to be a writer, but can't sit down and write out these chapters, don't have the brain power. 

Probably need to consider this more.... people are always telling me I ask good questions.
People are typically telling me I am too much. 

I've been thinking a lot about dopamine. 
How Molly became my source, my dealer. I didn't want to do something, and would do it willingly and with gusto if I thought she needed it done or not doing it would disappoint her. We both played some sort of parent role for each other. She eventually told me I needed to get my life together, and even though it hurt, I sort of adored her for it. She didn't take any of my advice. I think we are at different stages of our rebellion. 

I've been having a lot of jealousy-insecurity and then feelings of happiness for her. I am pretty sure she has moved on, though I guess I was pretty sure when we broke up. I don't know. It's a funny world. I have so many co-dependent traits... that's what I want the neurofeedback for. I want to stop only being attracted to people who are so beyond me. I need a nice dumb healthy person to set me straight, instead of a brilliant one that I can't let go of. 

Vulnerable narcissists. Thats my type. I should just throw that out there on all my dating profiles. 
This is super mean, so read at your own risk:

"Hey potential future partners. I am looking for a beautiful brilliant capable charming person (who is way out of my league), and who has the gravity of a galaxy (while I cower in their shadow), and who doesn't have enough emotional maturity to be honest with themselves or me (don't worry, I will over analyze every situation for the both of us), who can't take responsibility for themselves (so I will do it), who sees the whole world as being against them -while everyone around them (including me) is swooning and bending over backwards, who will treat me like I don't matter, while saying that I am the most important, and then leave me in a puddle of devastation for several years similar to how I felt when my parents divorced. And I will love you for it, because some part of me has decided you are my goddess to be worshipped, despite what you will feel -which is a constant amount of judgment but is really just me trying to keep myself in check from loving you too much. Otherwise known as an addiction, codependency, karmic punishment, a soul connection in the wrong vibration. If you fit this description, hit me up, I have very low self esteem, but I can send you cute memes of baby animals."