mindfulness? bodyfulness? feelingfulness?

One of the things I have been attempting to do is feel my feelings a little, experience them, be curious about them, where is it felt? how does it move?  It's a difficult practice to maintain, and more often than not, my mind takes over and fills in the gaps with arguments.

This morning I was reminded of a song/poem that calls me to appreciate the difficult, to acknowledge and accept the whirl of feelings without judgment.  I am angry, I am sad, I am enraged, I am loving, I am happy, I am content, I am hurt, I am confused, I am a mix of a million things that come in waves and leave the same way. 

It's interesting to me, because I have been struggling with guilt. Towards the end of our relationship I acted out, not in words, but in action, I acted selfishly in a way that I hadn't previously been. I began to put my desires ahead of hers, and I felt justified in it because I felt like she was pulling away from me and being dishonest, her own act of selfishness. The behavior is a pattern i've experienced before -early in my life especially. 
I became more of my hurt child self. I didn't know how to say I am hurting, when I knew I would not be comforted. I didn't know how to walk away. So I stayed, and became less my conscious self, less mature, less giving. And I have felt guilty about it ever since. Felt like I totally fucked up, felt ashamed, and guilty, and mean, and tried to justify and rationalize and blame. If I had been able to stand up for myself, or walk away, maybe things would have been different.
But I didn't choose those options. I reinforced my cycles. Recreated the karma. Potentially reinforced hers.

I've been trying to get more in tune with my own pain, to understand why I acted this way, and why I might continue to feel so out of touch with myself. But lately, it's just been more anger. I am so angry at being used, that I can't remember all the benefits of the relationship, can't remember why I chose and continued to choose this even though I knew it was perilous. I knew that I was risking my self, and I wanted the opportunity. The anger drowns out the other things. It makes me feel unsafe and not worthy. It sucks the fullness out of life. And I think it is because there is no where to put it that seems productive. I am not sure if anger is a thing you use up, or if dwelling in it just reinforces it. But I am sick of it. I would like some appreciation at the fullness of experience back.

I want to believe that I had this relationship (positives and negatives) for a reason, so that I could learn and grow and not repeat these mistakes next time... but I don't know. It zaps my confidence. I know that I need a partner who will do their part, but I am worried that I won't know how to find this unicorn. I am worried that I won't feel worthy of them.