JORBS and the life

I am trying to figure out what to do with my life, my time, my limited supply of energy.
At a sufi retreat the other day, I said that I wanted to leave fear and anxiety, and the needless arguments I have in my head, behind in the new year. I woke up late and thus far, it hasn't been the new year yet... to put it mildly. But I have been catching myself and laughing, and calling myself a drama llama.

I am looking up jobs at a million places, and none of them sound satisfying... or rather they sound intimidating and exhausting, and I either don't qualify or worry that I will be assigning myself needless suffering by taking the job... I am apparently very dark, even though it is sunny out. I probably slept in too long.

I am wavering between the confidence and optimism of the people around me, and the limiting descriptions and lack of knowledge I have of the field. These job descriptions sound awful because i don't know the environment, don't know the people, don't know what to expect. Maybe these are all awesome opportunities, maybe I would be taking on too much.

The one job I have the most optimism for is also the opposite of what I told myself I would be looking for. It is another job where I would be prepping for the future in a helpful way for my professional career, but wouldn't have the social support I crave... and it would require building that social support in my spare time. Maybe I could do that.
Take a class with Victoria.
Join a circle at church.
Attend a social event once a week.
Have friends over more often in the evenings even though I am tired.
Babysit the niece and nephew?

When I woke up today, I realized that part of my low mood has been the lack of purpose, and part has been the lack of social interactions. I want people around to motivate me... this is one of the primary things I need to develop in my own life, and it was something I was relying on Molly to provide.
I have relied on others to provide this in the past.

I keep thinking, I need to run these decisions and concerns by some folks and ge their approval before going forward. Need to be talked into the decision.
But maybe I need to just take a leap of faith?
Or maybe I need to reach out to more people and do informational interviews?
I don't know. This is how I get stuck.

Resmaa says to be a grown up means making your own path and not waiting for someone else to lead you. I often ask myself that question without consciously answering, or without diving into the answer too deeply. Who are you trying to impress with this action? Who's approval are you seeking? 
Sometimes it is my parents, other times a friend or love. I find myself reading books that friends or exes have recommended or listening to their songs, and some part of me fantasizes about their reaction if they stumbled into me and saw me doing that, would they feel loved? Would they love me?
But that's not really how it works is it.

I am weighing out different paths:
A spiritual path (Sufi? Buddhist? UU? Tarot? spiritual life coaching?)
A trauma focused path (somatic, neurofeedback, emdr, brainspotting)
A community empowerment path
An education focused path
A holistic path. Integrative
A creative path,  cartoons, art, writing

People ask me who I want to work with, seekers of healing? Not little ones. I do best with folks who are above 16. I am interested in a social environment that can adapt to people's needs rather than a rigid program. I'd like to be able to work with folks from a variety of backgrounds, not just white middle upper class folks. I like a challenge, but don't want to be bogged down forever. I have no specialties, and I am not fully licensed in anything right now.

As I have said at other times... the thing I desire (a partnership) doesn't seem to be in my immediate future. I watched a tarot video the other day where the lady was like, ~'oh, you keep getting in the way of building your sanctuary, your ideal world, because you don't know why you should build it if you have no one to share it with...'  theme of my life, but she said, if you build it they will come... 

Everything is telling me take a step forward, but I am not feeling motivated or compelled. 
When I was 18 and feeling this way, my mom gave me the advice of just choosing, and knowing that I could do the rest later. Life, the timing, the lack of energy, makes me hesitant. I feel like I need to choose things wisely, life has so many paths. Trusting in the universe means knowing that if there is a "right" path, all roads will lead to it. The corrections will come, the opportunities will be present... but it's difficult considering my last major choices lead to burnout and breakup. Learning opportunities... but hard ones. Am I ready for the next?