merry christmas

Its 6:45 AM. I woke up an hour ago. Chatted with jesse for a bit, then tried to go back to sleep. I was thinking of how grateful I am that she has been in my life these last few years. Someone present in the middle of the night, randomly available, totally non-invested, but connected enough to touch base now and then.


In the dream, we were making food. There was a half dozen people involved, and it was complicated but it was good. Becky was there. It might have been 3B. At a certain point, I knew something was up. We had an exchange that others may or may not have recognized.
Later, I tried to talk to her about it. She didn't want to.
Later someone else wanted to talk about it, and I let slip my concerns.
She was furious with me for breaking her secrets.
We talked through it.
We talked through the meal as a group.
Things were ok.


Becky is often a stand in for other people in my dreams. I am very aware of that now.
I think this is a pattern dream. A dream about how secrets and isolation do us harm.
My secrets kept me from talking to Molly about things fully.
Her secrets kept her from talking to me.
We both felt alone and acted out of our aloneness.

Jesse said something about my Dad's side liking Trump.
I realized we haven't talked politics for a while.
I wonder how much Trump and that stuff has impacted his marriage. He has been avoiding her, even if he doesn't say that. They don't watch fox news anymore. Something has changed.
Steve and I both felt like Dad had become more like he was when we were younger. Alone, manipulative, self serving. I have been worried it's his hearing. Maybe it's his marriage?

Was she just a vacation?
Is that what we do?