Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

After writing that post last night, I returned to my book and felt a sense of calm. A sense that love would heal me. That my fears and hurt were only temporary. That in the end, things would all work out even if I couldn't get what I wanted in the immediate, ultimately, I know who I am and what I care about... and life is good.

Hung out with some friends last night. It was good. It's hard to ask for what you want, or to make true connections when you're heart broken. I want to invest in people, want to be curious, want to be loving, but I don't have the natural inclination right now. Not sure how to be the person I want to be.

I woke up this morning and decided to text her.
It was simple, just well-wishing.
She told me what they were up to.
I wished I could be part of her life still, but I was in church, and realized that my values and objectives remain different than the way that I am with her. I am afraid when I am with her. I feel insecure because she can't reassure me. It keeps me limited, and in a lower vibration (as the energy people say). I can keep my centering and meditation and mindfulness, but when it comes down to it - I need a partner. And she can't be mine.

I miss her. I wish well for her. But I can't stay stuck like this. I am hanging myself in this suspension, because I don't what else to do. I don't know what the right path is for me.

I came home and did some more reading. Then took a nap.
I dreamed that I was in her apartment. I was there all afternoon, preparing, cleaning, organizing, making dinner, and waiting for them to come home. I was waiting, and the time passed. I was waiting and there was no call. I was waiting and preparing to argue my way back into her heart. But I wasn't on her mind. As the night came, I felt like a stranger trespassing in her apartment. She was avoiding coming home, or she was too busy with her life, and I was not wanted.





I am waiting for the light to show me a way. Something that calls or pulls.
I feel like I am in the same place I was when we met, and when we began dating.
Everything is telling me to release, to cut away, to find closure, to detach.
But my soul and my heart keep reminding me that love still exists. I need to stop desiring to control how things exist.