Rachel asked me what inspires me.
I don't do enough gratitude and focus on the positive:
A I told her, typically the things that inspire me are the universe, nature, science, beauty, human creativity such as art, music, writing, design, comedy, humans’ stories, faith, history and human creation, relationships etc…
I am not really sure what has been inspiring lately. I’ve been watching a lot of improv comedy on youtube. I’ve been watching some comedy/awkwardness on hulu and Netflix. I haven’t been exploring much. Maybe I need to go travel for a week, something to change up the patterns.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to get furniture in my apartment that fits, but I realized today that I am reluctant because one of the things I like most about my apartment is that it feels open. So I am avoiding cluttering it up or reducing the space. There are some things that might make it feel better. I could put down a rug. I could get some beanbags or something. I might go for benches or ottomans or giant pillows. Something that can be stacked, instead of taking up the room.
I am doing a lot of reading. Last night I bought a book on seeing auras and another on creative visualization, I have found neither of them inspiring and it kind of feels like a waste of money. But I suppose that is the thing lately, I haven’t felt very inspired.
I am not sure where to turn for inspiration. My voice, my aura has felt weak. Generally, I’d say I’m pretty low energy lately. Taking naps, reluctant to exercise, staying up too late and sitting in one spot too long. I am not feeling moved. I am stagnant, but everyone is telling me that I’m doing the inner work necessary to move forward in a healthy way… and I want to believe that.
It makes me very aware of how much I was allowing Molly to anchor my life in something that felt real, and I am questioning how much my sense of self is rooted in taking care of others, rather than anything inherent to me, or rather what a reasonable balance is.
I am inspired by seeing others grow, by supporting them in critical and creative thinking. I am seeking opportunities to do so without taking on the responsibility in a personal way, so that I can refrain from burning out. Typically, I am drawn to topics such as love, sex, spirituality, human connection, healing, beauty, society… but over the years, my interests have narrowed or shrunk. I don’t want to study violence, and oppression. I don’t want to study power dynamics and how we hurt each other. I see it too often. The unintentional, the unconscious ways we destroy ourselves. It just makes me sad. I’d rather focus on solutions that seem tangible, the little ways we can free ourselves from traps. But I am in them too, and it feels hypocritical to preach and not practice.
The adjustment of the body has intrigued me lately. The push and pull on muscles, bones, joints, blood, hormones, skin, energy. How might I go about healing the toxic in myself and others?
How do I help myself and others overcome our karma, pursue our dharma?
How do I see more color, or appreciate that which is in front of me?
How do I keep from avoiding, allowing fear to guide my actions, believe in abundance and trust in the universe?
I have a hard time concentrating these days. I need to fidget, I need to have something else going on. I need to be looking through the mirror at someone else to form any clarity. And yet, I am self-focused, selfish oriented. Want to be selfish enough to find the right things.
If I had the energy, I’d be in love.
If I had the energy, I’d finish my book.
If I had the energy, I’d travel and laugh.
I’d join an improv club.
I’d become a preacher.
I’d write poetry on people’s skin as I allowed the universal energy to move through me and into them for healing.
I’d learn to play music, and sing with a clear voice, and draw people to me.
I’d write a life changing book. I’d made art every night and then play board games with friends, or play toys with my kids.
I’d relax on the couch, I’d give and get massages.
I’d see the energy in the air, see it surrounding people, transforming them, shifting with them, and I’d know how to manipulate it just right to bring about the best chance for growth. I’d forever be loving to myself, not ashamed or guilty about the things I’ve done, but only recognizing that they were part of something larger, and that in the same way others might provide the opportunity for karmic healing to me through suffering, I might be offering them the same. I am judas, I am jesus, and I am humanity that plays all roles.
I’d day dream of a new life, and know that I wouldn’t give my own up for it.
Maybe that’s what happened.
I stopped imagining a better future, because I was content with the one I thought I had. It wasn’t what was really happening, but the one I imagined I had around me.
I just spent half an hour looking up energy healers. The only thing that has given me boosts lately is the spiritual and esoteric. Im drawn to that sort of shit still.
Maybe I need to spend a week in a shack by the ocean, or on a mountain top. Maybe I need a random sexual encounter, or a pilgrimage, or maybe just a walk around the lake without the freezing temps.
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