December

I've been feeling like I turned a corner. But today the sun is hidden and I have a headache, so we shall see if it was just all the sunshine lately.

Dreams:

I have these places I visit in my dreams, one is a city in Europe, somewhere near the mediterranean. Its not a real place I have been, though maybe it exists. I've been there many times in my dreams, so much so, that I recall that it is familiar each time and remember places I've stayed and the general layout of the city. I don't know if I have business there, or anything to see. My job is always to secure a place to stay. 

Last night I showed up, exiting what I assume to be a train station and hundreds of people were smoking outside on the benches. I sat amongst them for a moment, taking in the worldliness of it. After a few minutes, I realized this smoking is adding to the pollution in the air and left to seek the hostel that is closest. 
The guy never remembers me, but every time I approach with amusement and hesitation. He is always crabby and not very helpful at first, then I say I have stayed there before and he lightens up. They had room. I wrote down two nights and then said I'd likely stay more. He nodded, knowing they would be booked up by the weekend, but allowing me the fantasy. I asked for a map, even though I know the layout of the city. He didn't have any extra maps so he said he would photocopy it, but we got distracted and he never did give me a copy. We were watching the neighbors through the window. 
He said all people do now adays is get drunk and then fight each other. 
Just as he was saying this, the people started fighting. 
I was more interested in their clothes and jewelry. They dressed like people from Pakistan, but had lighter skin and were not muslim. I didn't know how to ask without being impolite, I wondered if they were rroma. 
Later I was outside the building and a woman was making soup and distributing it. Maybe selling things too. She didn't have a table or anything, just set up on a small ledge. She had a kid with her. She had very white skin and very light hair. Her eyelashes were white. She might have had albinism, but it also looked like makeup, her eyelids were splashed with a yellow circle, so that when she closed her eyes the circle completed, but when they were open it smudged into a half circle. The look was off-putting to me, it made me feel on edge. I asked her where she was from. She said she lived in a town about 50 minutes away. She didn't have an accent, or rather, she sounded like a midwestern American even though she clearly wasn't. I didn't know how to ask what I really wanted to know. 
I turned away.




In another dream I was talking to Molly. It was brief and I was woken up by a text (very irritated). 
She was saying that in the end, everyone chose peace, or rather it was something like "Sorry, I guess we all choose peace." When she said it, I interpreted it as choosing to move away from discomfort, and wanted to argue with her, started to, but even as I was doing it, realized it didn't help. Then I woke up. 






I've been thinking a lot lately about the big concepts of love, forgiveness, control, acceptance, path in life, meaning in life. 

The last few days I was totally comfortable with the ideas. I felt myself. At ease. Loving. Capable of taking on anything and also letting go of anything. It was really nice. It was nice to acknowledge that feelings come and go, and that the stories we tell ourselves are also temporary. 
Letting go is necessary, and good. 
Being rejected is necessary, and good. 
Fear and all the other stuff is just... stuff. To be attended to when the time is right, and to be discarded when it doesn't serve. 

What am I serving?