Meta cognition

Lately I feel like every time I turn my mind inward in a concentrated way, my mind goes blank. I think this is supposed to be a good thing, but it is really frustrating for me. I focus, I try to think through something in a conscious way, and I lose it. It doesn't even seem, just out of reach, but rather vanished. Strangely, I can approach from the periphery and think through a million things. Fantasies, day dreams, the little distractions of boredom, or the place the mind goes when I am supposed to be focused... all my best thinking lately has come about in this way. 

Like I am supposed to be concentrating on the book in front of me, but my mind is rewriting history. I am supposed to be focused on what someone is saying, but my mind is three steps back, stuck on a joke. 

I haven't been writing much because of this. 

I have been spacing out and watching television, playing computer games, watching youtube, listening to Dessa too much, sleeping in for too long. 

I have no place to be, and most of the bills are paid. I've almost run out of little tasks and errands. I suppose I have that root canal to schedule, that dentist bill to pay, that therapy bill to pay, that email I was supposed to send, that resume to update, that job to get, that vacation to plan, that date to obtain, but really, everything at its right time and place right? 

I've been sleeping in so that I can dream. I remember them more when I am sleeping in. I am waiting for messages, trying to discern all the things. Waiting for the pull. 

I feel like my last major decisions were made to A) add some drama to my life, and B) to remove some drama from my life. And now I am back to the place I was before.... my life has mostly been fulfilled, except that I don't currently have much. It gets boring quick. 

I could go back to writing (but blank mind). 

I could plan a trip (but, been there done that). 

I could add some more drama to my life.

I could volunteer or do something else just to fill my time. 

I could get a job doing something that isn't exactly what I want, something to add more to my resume. 

I could change careers. I could buy a house. I could move to Colorado or Washington or Argentina. 

Last night I had a dream that I was falling in love with someone new. That it was more like, hey lets plan a trip together, and if we fall in love while we are there, good for us. 

Tonight I was talking to Katie over dinner and she mentioned that Molly was now in her class, and I got a sudden burst of energy. 

It's been difficult the last few days, I find I am talking to the idea of her again. Nothing in reality, just that other voice... because I am bored.  I go back and forth between arguing with her and justifying why we should remain broken up (though I am sure she wouldn't disagree). I find I am having an easier time recognizing all the little ways I withheld, was defensive and untrusting, taking more ownership over my own choices and behaviors. I was not a good boyfriend. But I was willing to work at it, which is more than I can say for her... its easier now to just pretend as if she was never trying... but that isn't true. There were times. 

I assume she is dating someone. I assume it will end the same way we did. 

Life isn't as enjoyable without someone to share it with. But it also isn't very enjoyable when the person you want to share with doesn't like you.

She was helpful in giving me direction.  That is like in my top 5 things I am grateful for her for...

It was easier to attach myself to her path, that to face the unknown of my own.

I keep thinking about whether I should try to date one of the people in my life who I am not attracted to, but who I enjoy. Like... would that get different results? I am strongly hooked on people who don't promise to stabilize my life... I am so strongly drawn to them, that everyone else seems dull by comparison. Hence, Mo with all her stuff, the closest I've ever been to a happily ever after, and neither of us trusted each other.  cwazy 

I love that all my people randomly reach out. Keeping me on track, one random dinner, or text message at a time. 

Gotta find my path.