Stepping into it

What's the it?   

I guess that is the question, can I trust myself and the universe and move forward into new things?

Between the weekend and taking yesterday off, I have been trying to make some moves in my life (primarily about the business). And yet, I keep getting stuck, slowed down, unanticipated barriers, little things I have to learn, little things I just have to take a leap on even though I am not necessarily feeling prepared. Its hard not to live into the disappointment or the frustration with it. Several times I've asked for help from people, or tried to look stuff up online, or made phone calls and gotten nowhere... but I am determined to keep trying.  I am sick of sitting around and hoping things will be different. 

Some things I've been doing, going to the bank and setting up a business account, talking to a consulting group and preparing to get credentialed through them with insurance, checking in with my mom re: what she did, signing up for an email and a phone and a website, calling and emailing regarding liability insurance, going on gov websites to make sure everything is legal, thinking about taxes and researching electronic health records... making lists, and lists, and lists, and post it notes... and signing up for little things I didn't know I needed. 

I am sure I screwed some things up, I've had to backtrack a few times... I'm trying to remind myself that that is normal and that mistakes will be made...all opportunities for growth and learning, but I've never been good at accepting my mistakes -so I suppose some personal growth in having to...

I am hoping to get a bunch of things in place this week, and then quit in May, and be up and running late may/early June.  Its still awhile away, but there is a lot to get in place. 

I probably need to meet with a tax person. Even when I am credentialed with insurance, there will still be hoops to jump through. In my downtime between now and then, I can craft the website and laminate stuff for the office, look at furniture etc. 

So much to do...

All of it is bringing stuff up. A lot of it is bringing up stuff with E... what happens when I level up? Why do I feel guilty for moving forward?   

A good example this past weekend was seeing Hadestown, alone.   I had feelings about the technical issues... but it was a moving performance.  Sitting alone with an empty seat was a constant reminder... each milestone or change without her, is part of the grief, more and more memories without. New life. And its hard. I think in particular its hard when I am feeling alone, or scared, or enjoying life without someone by my side. It makes me question what I am doing stuff for?  Why build a business? Why live here?  Why try ---when I am not exactly sure what it will lead to, and what if cuenca doesn't offer me a partner to live this beautiful life with?   

I'm grounding. I'm cleaning and organizing (though of course not the little cracks and crevices -EG the bathtub could use a good cleaning). But putting things in their place. Trying to imagine, to build, to prepare to build at least. I am heading towards what seems to indicate further success... 

I am hoping that this opens up more opportunities. I think that would be the best way to put it. 

Socially... Its been cold -so I haven't been THAT social.  Might see Pete on Friday. Had chipotle with my Dad and almost screamed at him on Sunday (politics). Talked to my mom a bunch re: business. Saw James at his work yesterday when I went to a protest. Attending a scrapbooking class with Gabi on Wednesdays... attending church on Sundays. But am I doing enough to meet new people?  Am I creating the community I want to live in?

I keep thinking about whether I will ever have a family. The politics right now doesn't make me want to... but its just such a crazy thing to be so sure that would be part of your life, to accepting that maybe it wont be.  Pete is having his third this spring... I mean, I am technically still able to. It's just hard to imagine what that looks like.  As I make decisions re: the business I am also thinking about how that will shape the life I have. My mom was intentional about setting her hours so she could come home to us. She took fridays off later in her career to have more time to rest and travel. My Dad had summers off to take care of us. -I could make a ton of money... or I could just make sure I am doing ok financially and then enjoy life.  I could make this business the vehicle for my mission and values... or I could recognize whatever mission I have is bigger than just that role. 

I could use it as a launch point for other things, like teaching or training... or I could spend my free time writing and being with friends.   Its all up to me once I start it. But where am I driven?

This post has been very intellectualized... it doesn't really feel like its conveying how emotional all of this has been... and I haven't even mentioned how much I've been trying to escape into my phone. Hours and hours a day trying to not feel the feelings I have... and instead trying to get that dopamine. 

I haven't even been writing, or journaling or reading... because if I have the space -Im trying to do business stuff... no extra creative energy...

I should probably be spending more time meditating, getting centered, imagining.

Maybe that will be the goal rather than checking off all the lists?

I dunno. 

Drama

My mind tended towards drama today.

I think the guilt I discussed yesterday of having so much of E's stuff, of wishing things had been different, of wanting to move forward, meet new people, have a life. 

Yesterday being around James' and Ali's kiddos... it just feels like I am missing out on a huge chunk of life. Maybe that won't be for me. But being a single 41 yr old feels kind of pathetic when i am around my family. It's fine... I just wanted to be heading towards something. 

I dunno, maybe its because I feel like I squandered my alone time this weekend. I didn't do much writing or other personal goals. I got the apartment mostly cleaned up. Laundry tomorrow since the neighbors are using it today. Groceries yesterday, ate a lot of fruit and veg to counter the fried foods this weekend. 

Hung out with family and with Illy. Went to church. That is good. But I guess I didn't make any progress on writing thus far, or the little side projects for work or the business. Too much time on the instagram... I think i am averaging like 7 hours or more on my phone each day. Its kind of gross. 

I need someone in my life, that adds. 

Back to the drama...

I stayed up late on the internet last night, and had weird dreams that felt very vivid at the time (I don't recall them now). But I didn't feel very positive in the dreams, didn't feel proud of myself. Then I woke up and even though there was sunlight and I got up in time for church, I wasn't feeling the day. I did my gratitude practices and prayed and all that, and it was ok... but I found myself thinking of all the reasons I am hurt by or angry with E (which isn't how I spend most of my time). It was like I needed to justify why I shouldn't feel guilty, why I shouldn't feel bad for wanting to move forward. 

I found myself trying to explain to some hypothetical stranger that it wasn't my fault, and that I needed to make a change, and that I didn't abandon her... cuz somewhere in me, I still feel very guilty for letting her down. I am mad at her sometimes for making me so responsible (even though it was my choice), because then when I had to make a change, I had all the power. 

Which isn't entirely the case, I mean she did move out without me saying anything, she did un-invite me from a planned trip we had to Rochester, she did criticize me, and make me feel like I was the one not doing enough when I was literally taking care of everything that had to do with us... but its hard because I was in love with her and wanted her to step up... and that just didn't happen.

And I feel bad that I had to have expectations and standards for how I want to be treated... I guess that's what I am saying. I feel bad that I wanted a partner and not a dependent. 

So like I said drama..... drama drama drama. 

The other part is that Hadestown is coming up and I am starting to think I am gonna go... but I don't want to invite anyone. I want to go and cry and feel the grief. I think Im gonna... but I am also scared. and that's stupid but its true. I am scared to go to one of my favorite plays because I know I am gonna feel some heart break, and I feel guilty for going. 

Why do I feel so guilty all the time?  childhood shit of course.  but... I need to not live into this stuff anymore. I am ready to be an adult. I am ready to handle adult shit. 

I was ready to have a relationship... I am mad at her that she basically flung everything in my lap and said I needed to do better to make her happy, when from the the beginning I said I wanted something equal. And I am mad at myself for trying for 2 years because I knew from the beginning, but I didn't want to believe I was right. I tried so hard to make stuff work, but it wasn't enough.  I don't like that I know I choose the wrong people for me. But again, it feels karmic sometimes. Its like... shit, I still have to learn this lesson. 

And all of this is to say. I really do want the best for her. I do. I just also want the best for me, and I feel guilty that choosing myself hurts others. That's not my intention. 

For the most part lately (until these feelings this weekend), I haven't really been in this space. I have been choosing to have faith, and been quite optimistic. Even that little meditation on Friday I was just soooo ok with the fact that pain happens, shit happens, and its not anyones fault... but today drama. 

drama llama back.   

Maybe I'll be able to do some writing now that I've just spilled this... I feel bad for complaining but its the same old shit isn't it?

Another week

 

It is Saturday Feb 8th. James turns 43. From the outside, he has accomplished all of the american goals. Married with 2 kids, a house, cars, retirement plan(presumably), good jobs etc., friends, community, world travel. Is he happy?

We will celebrate at a bowling alley this afternoon.

I came to spyhouse to write my book. I have done some thinking, minimal editing, a little compiling of ideas but no writing yet. Maybe it isn't a writing day, but a thinking day. 

It is snowing and it seems to be creating a clean slate, or at least allows the possibility of that dream. I find old pictures or videos of E and it makes me sad. I want to say I am happy for the time we spent together, but I am also sad, and I don't really get to choose which emotion comes when. 

Gabs and I started a scrapbooking community ed class, but spent the whole time talking politics while looking at old photos. I chose to document the Atacama Desert part of the south america trip... seems like a lively set of photos at least. I really enjoyed it. She is excited for the class. I feel like it offers us the space and some tools, but I wish I had more people coming over into my space and maybe it can turn into that eventually. With E, sometimes it felt like we didn't have enough space, but now that I am alone I barely use half of it.  The living room entirely reminds me of her, its her Dad's couch and elliptical, her tv. Its all her. 

Its weird that way. I kind of wish I hadn't bought the stuff from her, even though it seemed to be helpful for both of us at the time. I guess in its current configuration, I just have all this stuff that reminds me of her. My furniture and stuff doubled at least.  How do I take that into a new relationship without feeling conflicted? I haven't heard from her in a while... That's what she said would happen, but it feels odd. If that is what is best, fine... but its hard sometimes too. Hard when you have incorporated someone into yourself, and your future, and then realize you have to let go of all of that... even if the remnants are left in your space, the hugs and scratches are still on your heart. The mind... ooh. I hope she is happy, send positive vibes daily. But also, I want to move forward in my life.

Keep finding myself returning to the Frusciante quote "wide pain in the blue-white break up, all paths divide, life has a way of opening up." I first fell in love with that cd on a class trip to Italy in high school. Getting close to so many people, experiencing so much with them, and then having to go back to normal. I think the blue-white break up has always felt like waves crashing on the shore to me, the Mediterranean... but I don't think he was thinking of that. All paths divide. Life and death, change is inevitable. Life has a way of opening up... becoming bigger, growing, changing always, even in death we decay and give way to new life. And its painful still. Its painful, but necessary. 

Yesterday I did a meditation off a youtube video and just felt sooooo part of everything, and also distant and aware and it was all perfect. Even the awful parts...but later in the day, listening to people's pain, I still felt sucked into the drama of life... Ram Dass says that its important to do both, to see the perfect, and to be compassionate with the suffering. Its all curriculum for the soul, but we don't grow without being part of it. Sandpaper transforming us into ourselves. 

It was a hard work week with the politics, but generally life (for many people) seems to be moving forward... and me too. ... don't be stuck in the past -Seems like that will happen now that I have decided on an office space. It is probably more than I should*be spending but who cares. I could probably find something better and bigger, but again who cares.  More space just means more to fill.   I chose office 311 *though it hasn't been confirmed yet. I am taking that as a sign... maybe I will throw some 311 quotes on the wall or something. I think if I can do about 20 sessions on average a week I'll still be fine financially. If I need to add more I can. If I need to subtract, I can. Its not set in stone... its all mine to play with. Maybe I will be bored and want more clients. 

This week at work was very slow, so I shredded a bunch of notes, and made copies of stuff. I bought a new laminator I haven't used yet. Preparing. 

Need to open a bank account for the business. Need to start figuring out how to prep for taxes. 

Gave myself a hair cut and it helped with the self consciousness I have been feeling. I need to keep it clean. Not a lot going on, and yet, so much. Today writing, groceries? laundry?  time with family... Tomorrow, Church and a movie with Illy.  

Not a lot... and yet my shoulders are raised and my anxiety flows through my body. 

I know its probably too early... though who knows how long a person is suppose to wait... its been 4 months, but I often think about how little opportunity I have to meet new people. The tarot videos are always like, hey your person is coming... and I'm like, hard for them to meet me when I do nothing but go to work and then go home.    I think that is part of the reason I try to go out on the weekends even if I don't feel social or don't think it will amount to anything. The possibilities are there. 

Anyway... I have nothing to say, I am avoiding the purpose of being here. I also seem to be developing a head ache. Yay

Forward

 

Sunday night... I am starting to picture a path forward. I am gonna get an office and start my business. Meet new people. Try new things. Its exciting, and its hard to focus on other stuff. 

I am listening to tarot videos and they keep telling me its gonna be really positive. I know that its silly, but its weird how sometimes it just seems to match. Leaving things behind, moving forward. The fools journey, a karmic cycle completed. Time to move into the next thing.  "A lot of green lights coming from the tarot deck." 

Today I visited a friend's family mansion home in Whittier, and it had so much potential... just a few blocks from my place, a beautiful space, but I wasn't really wanting to sign on board. Of course it was a cool place, but I want to get out of this old pattern. I love this apartment, but I need something else. I don't want to work at my current job anymore, I want to put my energy and interest into something new... I am hopeful about this part of life. I am optimistic about a future. 

I'm sitting here, getting excited. Difficulty concentrating on anything else. Ready to start a new journey... and I am craving, like deeply craving something connective to ground this energy, a love, a mission, a moment of light from the heavens beaming down... or whatever  and then suddenly burst into tears... because I wanted this with E, this excitement, this world of freedom and possibility, and there just wasn't anyway to make it happen. 

And I'm sad, and kind of mad at her that she couldn't change, or that we couldn't change to make things work.  

And some part of me feels karma intervened... and I know that seems weird and disempowering, but I am so sad, and also so ready to not feel stuck anymore.  

Of course she is the first person I want to tell. I don't get to anymore. 

It kind of takes the whole excitement down a notch... I know I shouldn't dwell, but Cuenca Dear a question, kna mean? 

Generally I feel very good. I feel motivated. I feel ready. I feel like I am gonna have a terrible time trying to decorate -because I don't really know how. 

First of the month

Its Febrero, some folks hate this month cuz its cold and dull. But I like that it is short, a slightly easier step, like "hey, take it easy. I know it's hard."  It's James' birthday month, not that we are great at celebrating him. 

It's the second week of the tyrant's 2025 project. They aren't trying to hide that anymore. I am not angry this morning, so I won't get too far into that. I am more like... how do we celebrate humanity and creation?

I am likely gonna go to a protest today in South Minneapolis. I wanted to write, but my brain isn't awake enough yet, and even though I like going to coffee shops (I am at spy house right now), it feels a bit too loud and lively -Can't hear my own thoughts that well.  Maybe I should trust the muse and let it take me, just spit out words until something new is created.

Its a month of making decisions and following through. I am going to find an office and start the private practice. I am going to keep writing. I am going to pray with my feet when given easy opportunities. I am going to post stuff if I need to. I am going to invest in myself and others. 

What does that really mean? I don't know, but I don't want to get bogged down too much. I want to trust that I will make the most of whatever comes, and I am a little sick of being in the hanged man position... ready for some fool energy. I think having a next step, even if it isn't perfect will improve my mindset and help me invest in things. 

So this month, what do we got... a new community ed class with Gabi on wednesdays...  potential office spaces to sign up for... Folks to prepare and either bring over or let go... some contracts to sign - to get credentialed.   

So the deal with the offices so far:

A)  there is a building over by 280 St. Anthony Park neighborhood of St. Paul, that is being redone to make therapy offices. I went and visited it on Thursday and its really under construction right now, so it's hard to fully see the vision of the place. But I like the idea of it. I like the location, a change, something new. I like the idea of being around a bunch of other professionals, built in capacity for consultation, new people, many who are already running private practices (mentors?).  It feels like a great concept, the only problem (as far as I've seen), ok maybe two problems... one - costs, but when I have looked at other spaces in minneapolis area it feels comparable, so two - I don't like that the air ducts are so prominent in the spaces with windows... I think because it is an empty space they stand out, and that likely won't be that big of a deal once there is furniture and decorations, but right now, they seem kind of in your face. I like the modernized industrial look, but it's a little much when there is nothing else to look at. So I need to get creative with how to use it. I think that's the key. But it also gives me the idea over and over of not seeking perfection, of just acknowledging there will always be flaws... and it's ok to work with them rather than staying stuck.  So I guess that space is giving me that mindset. 

B) My old coworker has offered to show me a space she is hoping to convert into offices. Apparently her family owns one of the mansions in my neighborhood. She reached out the night I was considering the other one... so now I am gonna go check that out. If it feels perfect, maybe I'll reconsider my position. I am potentially locked into my lease until Oct 2025 anyway... maybe I should just embrace the neighborhood again... it would likely be cheaper... likely a style I'd prefer.... very close to my place... could be the jump off point... for something later... but I think you could probably hear in my voice that I am ready for a change. 

Excited to get away and try something else. I need to put myself in new spaces to have new experiences, its true everywhere I go, there I am... but also I need opportunities to experiences different parts of me, and I can't do that if I always go with the same old thing. 

This morning some TikTok or something had Adele's "Someone Like You"  and it made me think about E, and letting go, and looking forward. Not an easy thing, but even more difficult if I leave everything the same. 

There is a lot to do no matter what, still some life to live (presumably). "Darlin there's no way to know, which way your heart will go"   as Mason Jennings would say...

I am hoping it continues to expand, find space, hold space, flow with the times.

And that same day

I was kind of frustrated with myself for not being able to accomplish my goal... so i went home and played computer games. it was nice... then around 5ish I was listening to Amanda Palmer  (Theater is Evil album)... and started feeling really sad, missing E... then I replayed the cd again- probably because she is blunt, speaks of love and lust, and boredom and anger, and grief and being human with music that sometimes sounds epic and a little like a soundtrack to my heart... and it made me sadder and sadder and kept having little memories of what I have missed. and decided I needed to make dinner. Maybe I'm just hungry... crying while making dinner. 

I don't know. I think its because with time, so much of the difficulties, any hurt or anger have disappeared. I miss my friend. Just talking with her. I miss having a companion. Someone to come home too. I miss my partner someone to build a future with.  

I dunno... its so easy to remember the breaking points, and the other reasons... but even if I think our break up is ultimately for the best, sometimes still, I just miss her, still want the world for her. 

I want the universe to step in and give me a direction. Something new to cling to. I sit in the space we shared together, grieving the life we made together while trying to dream a new one. And its ok. I love this space, even though she eventually couldn't. 

But how to move forward from the job I'm starting to hate (the company), without a new space to move into, I feel stuck. As with home, so as work?  meh...

I remember touring all those houses hopeful I'd find the next step, and then when I liked a house, I suddenly had this ache, because the person I wanted to show them to wasn't moving in with me..

What do I need all that space for? I barely use what is here. Half this shit, I could do without. 

I didn't do the writing I wanted to do (or at least not yet...) And I have to accept that... I am fine. Everything is fine... I am just sad. Its good to be sad, reminds you that your heart is fertile ground.

When I was coming home from Spyhouse feeling defeated, I started telling myself all the things Im grateful for... and it was a lot. I feel very blessed with this life... and I don't like that I am feeling so stuck. 

I was hungry then too, and started crying then. I am a crier... can't deny it. There is something about blood sugar here. Maybe I am diabetic. 

I dunno. Want something meaningful, and then walk away when it gets hard?  Is that what I am?  I don't think that's right, I think I overstayed because I loved... but then couldn't any longer. But what is this single life?  What's the point.

Gotta believe, have faith and all that.  That's the point. 

Gotta bring up my spirit, and eat my food before it gets cold. 

This was an angsty rant.

Later in Enero

 Its a Saturday morning, I am not feeling particularly well rested, or energized, or well... but I am not sick. I ate pizza last night and stayed up too late on my phone -part of that was really fun -watching the charismatic voice reviewing Janice Joplin, Live, Blues Traveler, and Meatloaf. Watching her glee and delight, trying to shape sounds in my mouth/throat. Part of it was because my computer game shut down randomly and I didn't want to restart it. Part of it was because I was avoiding journaling, reading, writing, because I was taking the night off... but still felt like I was avoiding. 

I still feel like avoiding. Avoiding a walk with my Dad, avoiding the theater tickets Teresa just offered, avoiding writing because I don't feel quite alive or awake or INTO it yet. Avoiding sitting with my body which is usually tight, dehydrated, inflamed. Avoid noticing it because my stomach is uncomfy, avoiding sitting with my body as it reminds me I have all this untapped emotion, loneliness, desire and I don't know what to do with it.  

Reminding me I have all this anger...   I think anger and disgust were prominent emotions this week. The politics of incoming President... the policy, the drama.  Easy to get swept up and judge the nation's shadow self. Easy to feel like we are headed in the wrong direction, towards the fear, towards the needless pain and heartache.  There are so many parallels to the rise of fascism that its hard to ignore. I am not getting cynical and hopeless light I have in the past, I am just seeing places to step in.

One of those places this week was on sharing the social media I found helpful... but I found myself preparing to battle and argue with conservatives...

The big thing that kept sticking with me was christian nationalists condemnation of a pastor asking for mercy for those who are afraid. It was such a simple culminating dividing line...   I shared the story in Matthew of Jesus telling the disciples right before he goes away of the sheep and the goats. Those who did for the least of us, did so to me... etc.   I wanted to educate, to school, to rip people a new one... but I didn't want to spend my anger engaging that way. Just leave the story and let them deal with their own cognitive dissonance rather than me struggling with it. A bit self righteous obviously... but still -right?

I find myself even more angry at work. We switched over to the optum system for emails and IT... but the building's heat is fucked up, and the internet and athena keep going down.  This company is denying 30% of the claims, can't get billing or credentialing right, and can't even heat the building... they pass propaganda through the email we are now forced to use. They talk about how they are making the health care system more efficient... the morality is out the window... and fundamentally I just don't believe in it, don't want to be attached to it... but what's my next step?  (took a second to go ask about the wycliff building again). 

I guess I was hoping that finding a space would be easy. Its been months and the leads that I have, haven't quite worked. I want to believe in divine timing, and also want to be ready and follow through with my portion... but am i wasting time? am I avoiding my responsibilities...

Given my experiences in life, you find something and it works out, or it doesn't and you move on... and this is all ok. Each direction ok.

The work itself sometimes gets boring. I am probably 'bored' with about 1/4-1/3 (I keep revising these numbers). Luckily each day there are clients I look forward to, and others I can enjoy even if we aren't doing anything... but maybe I should be letting go of a few clients -suggesting we need to revise goals or find something new?

Maybe I am dragging ass because this isn't what I want to do?  Maybe I want to move into life coaching or something that doesn't require insurance? Maybe I want to spend more time teaching or organizing?  Maybe I want to be an author and I just don't trust myself to follow through because of days like this when I am avoiding the hard work.  

I should spend some time thinking about that... why am I not allowed to be an author instead of a helper...?  

*because it isn't giving to others, its selfish

*because it isn't a real job (can you make money? can you guarantee an outcome?)

*because it is lonely, you don't have a support network for it

*because people will be disappointed that you walked away from something you're both good at, and that helps others

*because it is only part of what you want... not fully

And what do I want?  

I want to be an author, that is true. I want to be 'good enough' to be an author and I want my words to impact people. I also want to be a helper... (teacher, social worker, therapist, whatever). I also want to have a relationship and children and it is really hard to imagine doing all of these things, I also want to be a good friend, brother, son, uncle, but its hard to do so... I want to embrace all of me, and don't know how to balance these pulls. I want to serve, and also be there for myself. I want to live a spiritual life, but also indulge in all the hedonistic cravings...

Saw these musicians last night who create such beauty... move us. 

I alternated that with watching the scandalous... the mesmerizing, and with playing games on my phone, Tetris, risk, geography and word games... and occasionally stealing glances at the pictures of those I have loved. 

Oh this life is full of pulls... how to know which direction to allow your body and soul and mind to drift. 

I think I need to move from this seat, because the height of this table and the distance from the seat feel uncomfy, the wrong angle for things. I am just full of excuses today eh?

How to embrace what it, as it comes, acknowledge and release, rather than dwell on the uncertainty, control what is uncontrollable, the pull of Prometheus and Epimetheus -can't you sit in the present? Can't you sit with your humanity in all its vulnerability without having grand designs...

find the rhythm of the universe rather than trying to create it

What would that look like? How do you be a vessel, allow the muse to work its magic, let it be... be in the flow of the river, rather than clinging, or swimming against the current.

I suppose that is the way to say it... I feel out of the flow today.  Not sure where the access point is... or rather, I am sure its inside me... but I am not sure I am seeking it?

Not sure what else to say today. Should probably be out doing, instead of thinking... maybe I need a walk, maybe I could return and do some real writing later if I moved, moved, moved. 

 Still feeling sick. And my stomach hurts. And Im a little sad tonight.  

Tomorrow is gonna be  a long day, and then three day weekend, but at least two will have family stuff. 

I wish I were feeling more excited about that.

Yesterday I was in a better mood. Today, I am kind of accepting that the universe has to do what the universe has to do. And its our job to accept it. 

So I accept that my stomach hurts, and its making me a little dramatic and pitiful, and I am sad. 

Peace

Hey I’m 41

 Don’t have much to say. The day started well, got a little nerve wracking anxiety prone due to work stuff, then ended slow when I decided I didn’t care that much. 

Forgot to get Thai food. 

I just got an email regarding a potential space for my business, and it sounded cool. So hoping to set up a time to visit. 

Not much else. The tarot folks keep saying to believe in divine timing, to wait like the hermit, to set off like the fool, they say the sun is shining on me and generally I feel good even while I feel dumb. I’m 41, it’s time to start the next thing right? 

Hoping to sleep well on NyQuil. 

Maybe I need a cpap. 

Have a three day weekend coming up and I know birthday celebrations will be part of it, but generally I’m not trying to stay appreciative of my life without overdoing it. It’s been a really really good life. I’ve met wonderful people, been lots of places, done some awesome stuff.  Contributed and been blessed… so if anything happens. I am grateful that I’ve known you. 

Ok… gonna go to bed. Or play games or something. 

Goodnight

New me!?

 I turn 41 in a few days. I am sick right now, it’s just a cold, but sometimes I’m slightly miserable- so I can’t say I’m feeling all that introspective or reflective, but I wanted to journal. I feel like I’ve been avoiding things that require concentration all day. I’ve been accomplishing the minimum of the required things for me  to feel functional - but not much else. I went to church and hung out in the balcony cuz I didn’t want to feel like I might have to interact with people. I went to Costco which was the biggest excursion and spent 300$ but now I have a supply of those extra things  that will last a while. I got home around noon and felt exhausted.  I did the dishes and laundry… and made myself some food… but didn’t really do anything else for the past 8 hours and if you asked… I wouldn’t necessarily be able to tell you what I’ve been up to… some sleep im guessing, some phone time…  I dunno feels like the day was simultaneously really long and really short. 

Yesterday I also ventured out. I went to a “retreat for burnt out therapists” and it was really nice, but my DayQuil wore off half way through the day and it started getting much harder. I dunno if any of these were my people, but it was lovely to attend. I really enjoyed it, and a lot of that was just the spirit I chose to show up in. To be open, to be accepting, to be me and to appreciate the moment for what it was…

That being said, I went into it with a little magical thinking. All those tarot videos I watch for hope, gave me a little magical fantasy that maybe I’d meet my next person soon.   Not sure that happened. 

After the retreat I went to spyhouse and did a little bit of writing, but ultimately came home feeling pretty warn out. Even wondered if I’d make it out of the house today or tomorrow. With enough quil, anything is possible. 

Friday night (I think) I talked to Eduardo (j) for like an hour on Instagram and it was super nice. I laughed, I cried, I heard a little about her disaster of a trip to the Philippines. I felt envious of her travels, and also envious of the people she gets to be around. 

I missed loving and being loved. 

The grief isn’t as intense this weekend, but it’s present. The sinus part of this cold is doing this weird thing where it makes me cry, and I can’t always tell the emotions apart from the physical sensations… it’s odd. But the grief is primarily coming to me in these moments of just noticing change, or I suppose also in moments of missing good times. But the change is stuff like, ‘damn I have a really big apartment for just one person.. there is so much room now, where a separate life used to be.’ And ‘damn it feels lifeless, functional but not filled with warmth or connection’  or ‘damn I haven’t been to Costco since I was shopping for both of us, it’s a completely different experience shopping for me, it used to be we…”   And thinking about that aspect of having someone else to consider for years and then suddenly -no i don’t need to worry about or make sure of…  I still spent a goat load of money, but it was all on stuff for me.  If it had been both of us? At least 200 more. 

There is a really weird thing happening where I’m getting little thrills out of either saving money, or using up things and having to buy more. It’s like the weird games you play when you’re traveling alone and bored. 

I am saving money. Not sure what for… primarily it’s meant giving more to charity and the church so far.

But I mean, it’s like the little thrill of finishing all of your groceries or needing to buy new soap, finally check that off the list.

Its odd.

I thought I would have something more to say… I guess I’ve been thinking about aging and life and all these things. Feeling like I’m not gonna be a crabby old man who feels like a victim, but also, how will I not turn into that? 

When I look through photos of my life, I feel live been very successful. Like it’s been a really really good life and I am very grateful. And that means I guess that I have a lot to lose. 

I don’t know what the next chapter will be. The tarot video predictions didn’t come true yet, maybe I have to stop believing in magic and actually go make decisions for my own life.  

I told my therapist last week that my development is so staggered and uneven… in some ways I’m super advanced, in other ways I’m super behind my peer group. Maybe gotta stop using them as a comparison, but also of course hard not to. 

Maybe that’s what 41 will bring… a whole new variety of decisions and experiences. 

I’m gonna either read or watch another tarot video now. Then take some NyQuil. 

I hope you are feeling lovely. 

Hanged man

 

I’m at spyhouse, doing some research for the book mostly, thus far. The music is a bit loud and I’m. Considering leaving because I can’t hear any inner knowing… you know? I am tempted to read that don miguel Ruiz book I bought from five below, but then next chapter is “inner silence” and yah, ha ha. 

I’ve been scouring for myths, but the muse isn’t really with me today. I feel tired. It’s freezing out. I’ve been feeling behind and unproductive even though I’ve mostly done everything on my immediate list with the exception of cleaning the stairs and kitchen floor, and seeing illy. 

I went to church and the sermon was based on the book Aryn gave us a few weeks ago.  The music director started a short story about dreaming of alternative economies by saying “I remember everything about this story except the characters names…” and invited the audience to name them. It was playful and a nice hook. The music was great, the sermon was right on…  though I kept feeling really grateful for that murder, and how it seemed to create a line in the sand. In an odd way, giving hope that we could recreate things through this class realignment… billionaires are sick, we can either invite them back into community and relationship or cut them down, but allowing them to do this is poison. 

…

and I left hoping to do some writing. 

For some reason, what is on my mind is my lack of direction and knowing my priorities. Or rather knowing my priorities from what I seem to put energy into. 

Security, work, etc… 

At one point during our break up E said something along the lines of “I hope you figure out what you want” or “find what you’re looking for” or something  like that… and she didn’t mean it in a mean way or implying anything, just acknowledging that it seemed I was driven by something that wasn’t clear to me, and maybe it was to her - but she didn’t have answers for me, she knew I had to figure them out myself. 

I think it’s funny how apparently I have realized that I am not prioritizing family and children, even though I’ve always claimed I wanted that. I still wish for it, but wishing is resisting after all. 

I am not putting effort into love or romance at least right now… something else. 

So what are my priorities? Not travel, or starting a business, or my health… friends? Not really, work? Not really,  art and writing and blah? Somewhat, dreaming? I wish… and resist. 

Too much time on my phone. Lots of distraction.

I dunno. Will probably head home soon… and what will I do? Spend all the time on my phone? 

One week down

 It’s Saturday.  I feel like I didn’t accomplish anything today even though I did. I have the nagging feeling of incompleteness, of something missing, and it hints of grief some of the time and other times just makes me wonder what the hell I am doing with my life. 

This past week was weird, with Tuesday and Wednesday off and cat sitting, I felt like my rhythm was completely thrown off and I liked it some of the time (getting time to be creative and not stressed) and was kind of miserable some of the time (the cat being clingy or keeping me up all night).  Working on Thursday and Friday was fine when I was with clients, but I felt fairly unfulfilled and also completely unmotivated. 

Friday night I didn’t really do anything productive. The cat went back to my dad’s, and I was tired. 

Today I woke up to my mom asking me if I wanted to come over to do puzzles. Conveniently I had plans already. Its weird though, that is the kind of thing I want to do, but I have too many other things I need to do… and the idea of driving to Saint Paul with the temp below zero sounded kind of miserable.  Instead, I had breakfast at French meadow with Gabi for 4 hours - which has become our tradition every 3-4 months. And we talked and talked and it was fun, even though I know I made her a little insecure at one point, but by 2 pm when I left, I felt like I had missed an opportunity to write. When I got home it was miserable cold out and I was hungry and needed to do some  chores so I did all that, and I didn’t have any creative will power from eating heavy food, and it was cold so I laid about/ napped under the blankets for a few minutes/hours and then finally woke up to eat another heavy meal. 

I finally did some reading related to my book, finding myths and folktails for the Lucy sections… gonna do some more. But I kept feeling like I needed to move or change or clean or something. Felt like I have too much space and it needs to be made super tidy or it won’t feel right… something doesn’t feel right. 

Maybe I need to meditate or watch a tarot or reiki video to get into my flow state… maybe I need to pray or cry. 

Church tomorrow, maybe illy or my mom or dad. Then work again, then repeat. 

I really want to get back into writing, but it takes time and creative energy and I don’t know if I have that during my work week. Maybe I need to reduce my expectations of how much I can accomplish.

I miss companionship, the ease of it, the security of it, the routines, how quickly time goes by when you are ok…

Black sheep seems to have closed. There goes the Friday ritual. 

Saw that insta post again so I’ve had this in my head all day. https://youtu.be/IclRg7oLr28?feature=shared

Meh

https://youtu.be/jWHpIP1-kUI?feature=shared  

I was listening to this song in the shower this morning and began to cry. I think it’s the mix of the words, melody and that rhythm that feels like you have to keep marching forward even though things aren’t ok. I love it.

I reread old blogs last night, a year ago is when she projectile vomited all over the door. Later we figured out that was part of the condition, the imbalance in her ear. I think I really didn’t know how to process watching someone I love struggle so much, watching them lose their self to this illness. 

Which is funny because wasn’t that also what happened in the past with people? Haven’t I seen this before several times.  A year of trying to stay in control while you worry the foundations are crumbling beneath you. 

This year will be better? Maybe. 

I feel so sad sometimes. 

2025

I spent most of the day ignoring the day, the moment, the end of the year.  Other people are sending me texts of support, or wellwishing or whatever one does on the last day of a the year. 

We used to celebrate when I was young. 

After college, some of my friends would celebrate "old years eve on the 30th"  that was a funny tradition. 

I was never much of a partier, so the whole thing really hasn't been my speed for a while. They are having a party downstairs. Its oooonce oooonce ooooonce with a beat. 

I don't remember what we did last year, probably watched a movie and went to bed?  I should see if I have an entry. 

Yesterday I worked. I work again on thursday and Friday. It was ok, but my heart wasn't fully in it, because on Sunday Elsa and I had been chatting, and then on Monday she said she needed to put the boundaries back up and I knew she did... but it was hard to hear all the same. The reality that she was the biggest source of comfort and hope for me for over two years... or rather that our relationship was... and now we can't talk without  one of us having to set a boundary so we don't get heart broken more than necessary is like  "wow mature" and also really shitty. The same grief again and again. Its hardest in the first day or two, and within a few days it dissipates. But it doesn't necessarily mean it is replaced with something better.   I don't know what I want...

I really don't.  

I spent all of last week thinking I needed to figure out my future, and I never did. It was a gray sky and I was irritable... and I just didn't figure shit out. 

I promised myself I'd return to my book soon -had planned to all last week and never did. I started yesterday. Read half of 1A or whatever... then another half today, and started on 1B.  Added significantly to one of the Lucy chapters, then it got erased (45 minutes of writing), then I recreated it later in the evening, though probably not as inspired as the first time. 

I fell in love with the book again. I've been crying over the characters again. Awed at how the muse caught me in certain scenes. Very critical of how the narration keeps changing styles and point of views.  I will definitely need a good editor eventually. 

Reading it has made me want to keep going again. Maybe that's one conclusion I have come to at the very end of this year. That I want to start putting effort in more frequently.  

Looking at the last saved files, it has been years.  Leap frogged through the last decade.  It shows too. It shows that I started this project ten years ago, the technology, the politics, the state of the world (pandemics, wars, etc.)  have all changed since. How much do I want to incorporate? How much do I want to acknowledge, NO this is a different timeline... so that I don't have to worry about being "accurate" in my predictions. Better to let the timeline split earlier. The tech piece is probably the most difficult to salvage... do they have internet and smart phones and TikTok?  I have them passing jump drives, but that doesn't make sense with smart phones. Maybe they are finding ways to airdrop or transfer files through little cords. I need something more consistent.   But its funny... like TikTok wasn't a thing really ten years ago, and it is now... so the youth especially need to have that.  T swift is the same. So that works. Ha

So much work to do... but I enjoy it. I can write a scene and it can be crap, and I can edit it a thousand times later.  I can put out a book, and then not write the sequel for ten years... that could be a thing. 

I could make a website and say  10 more parts to come... and then never ever finish that, but pay for the upkeep on the website of course. 

I dunno. I am crying over imaginary characters I've created, and noticing how they each mirror people in my life (not entirely), but scenes I wish I'd experienced, and scenes I have experienced... and its all weird. Its so clear it is me and the things I project on the world. (though kind of dark as fuck). 

Anyway... I wrote down some new years words that i heard on the radio... words like "creative" and "play"  but my goals are still the same.  

I don't want to do a big retrospective of this year.  This year was hard... and there was plenty of good too... but it ends with recovery from a long relationship that was my biggest source of comfort and hope for the past two years.  And now I am trying to find comfort and hope in new things... and that's how the year ended. 

Old man yells at clouds

 Been waking up crabby. Gray sky. Have to be self determined. Focus. For instance, today I had meant to wake up at 7 and go to the dmv to get my license renewed, but now it’s 11:53 and I’ve been told it will be up to two hours.   

I couldn’t sleep last night. A combo of temperature, back pain, cat sitting (she was very active) and the door shifting back and forth (I assume it was just the air; but last night I was convinced it was a ghost for at least 20 minutes). 

I woke up, and then woke up again, and then kept waking up. 

Actually got up closer to 10 or 10:30.

Coffee and making sure the cat has its food and medicine. 

I was thinking all these dark things on the way here.  Like if I slip in the shower, how long till someone finds me? If I got into a car accident, how long till someone is notified?  It’s one of those times where my parents are out of town… mom and Steve and Grant are up north. My dad and his fam are flying to Florida today.   James and his fam are going to Puerto Rico soon.  When my dad was dropping off the cat, he said, just so you know there is an extra insurance policy talk to your uncle ted, but also it’s on my desk… and I couldn’t help but think about what would happen if accidents happened to my whole family in their various locations, and suddenly I’m alone. Like I said, dark thoughts. 

It’s raining in Minneapolis in late December. Been watching Instagram reels of radicals and wondering what is gonna change this world… and whether I will play any role in making change. I’m such a classic liberal clinging to my idea of being a middle class professional - you know?

All the people here (Ridgedale government center) look vaguely familiar. Copy cats of people I’ve known my whole life, the simulation is breaking down I guess. 

My back feels bruised still. I’m an old man and achy and crabby and dark. 

I’ve been wondering if I have too many options, too much freedom and that’s why I can’t make decisions. I can’t make decisions that are for me… that’s what it seems like. 

Daily goals: 

Spanish, exercise and either journaling, writing or art. Keep up with the household stuff, get one or two things done if not working. Eat relatively healthily. Maintain. Meditate? 

Longer term goals: 

-Meaningful work-business? teaching? Writing? Something that pays the bills and feels good. 

-Church on sundays, and maybe a class or group each week.

-Connection with friends and family weekly. 

-Do I want to own a house? Seems like I’m trying to keep up with joneses not necessarily excited about owning a house. Maybe a van down by the river? 

Bucket list:

What does starting a family look like now a days? Is it even an option?

What about world travel? Is that still a thing? (South East Asia, the Middle East, Spain and Portugal). Or more locally, DC, NYC, somewhere in the south? 

What about publishing a novel? Poems? 

Finishing that grandpa video? Sending it to your cousin…

I’m not sure what I’m delaying so much. I have the opportunity, but no motivation.  Maybe I’m afraid of letting people down or making mistakes and not knowing how to deal with it. Maybe I’m nervous about not having community and people around me in my work. But there are so many options, sign up with a different practice, do a co-op effort, get an office in a building with lots of other practitioners. Get a lawyer to help with insurance claims… 

I don’t think I’m worried about not making enough money… not really, I think I’m not even sure what to do with my time when it is self directed.  Its funny I go to work from 8-5 most days (that’s 9 hours), and I sit on my phone or on YouTube at work, instead of running errands or handing ing out with coworkers (doing that more lately), just sitting there for hours each day because “my work day” is 8-5. But what would I do with myself if my work day was 1-5? Or if I had a three hour window in the middle of my day? Or if I ended by 4 each day?  

I spend so much time just sitting on my phone or playing games or watching tv (not recently)… just wasting time because actually everything is fine or done and I don’t have the energy or creativity or motivation  to do more.  Go to bed by 8 or 9 pm because I’m bored. 

Maybe I’m scared of making my own structure because it’s hard enough already?

I dunno these all feel like big worries over nothing. All of this is super manageable and I’m just making excuses. People have real problems and I have too much time and too many opportunities. So silly. 

I might go get my hair cut today and pay money because o don’t have a mirror or someone to line up the back. Living alone is stupid. 

The day before the day before break

 To clarify I still have to work tomorrow. 7 clients too… 

I have work I should be doing today, but I am not very motivated. It’s like kids before winter break at school.

I am hoping to get some things in order for the future over the break, like maybe find an office and begin the process of leaving my job. Or decide I want to do something completely different. 

I want to engage in some practices like meditation, or maybe reiki. And do art, and read and write, and sit around a bunch… I’m worried I will do nothing and sink into depression. So I’m trying to give myself hints like - sign up for a class, have a checklist of things to do… etc. 

today I made this observation while waiting for my first client: “I spend a great deal of my time just forward of my body, predicting, anticipating, reaching, willing my body into the space I had just been, but I am already moving forward again. 

What would be different if I remained in my body, in my smile, in my stomach and chest, rather than floating through others experiences? 
Rather than tracking and predicting where they are headed, or judging because they don’t move into the space my mind designed for them?
What if I just was, in my body, as they were, in their body?”

If that looks funny it’s because it was typed somewhere else and the paste is weird…

I’m not sure I’ve spent much time thinking about that, as for many years I disliked my body and didn’t want anything to do with it. Now I’m more at peace with it, more aware of it as a vessel, sometimes even enjoy it.  

There is something about inhabiting your own face and being conscious of it… 

This weekend I might go gift shopping, or might stay in depending on how cold it is.  Maybe spent three days gaming. Maybe take a bunch of gummies and exit this plane of existence for a bit. 

I feel like I’m waiting on a sign or a pull, the tarot video I watched today said something to the extent of “the universe is waiting on you to choose a path, and you think you’re waiting on it. But once you choose it will conspire for you -and you’re having a hard time trusting it will be worth it. It’s ok if you miss out; but just so you know, it’s all waiting for you…“

To be the chooser… that’s my goal over this break. To make some decisions. 

But I’ve been tired this week. My attention is variable at best. I’d like to make the decision with out the eeny meeny miny moe     (Which is how I decide most things still you know…). 

Anyway… now I can add journaling to my list of things I did today. 

Will I do work now?  Will I read? Will I scour the internet for dopamine?

Accomplishments

 It’s 8:07 pm on Sunday Dec 15th. I turn 41 in one month. It’s probably because I’m listening to Damien Rice, or because it’s Sunday and quiet, or because I was just sorting old cards and notes people have given me or some combo, but there are moments of grief and doubt, and longing. 

Something is missing.

I went to church this morning. It was a lovely service. The fire ritual service… passing the light. They read a version of “the lonely ember” story. It felt like another push for community. 

After the service I made a smoothie, and ate by the large window in the bedroom. watched snl and played some Tetris. Then went and got art supplies at Michael’s, spent too much. Then spent even more for a massage at the mall. 

Then came home, did some Spanish - Duolingo, my dad texted about a walk. Why not? Did some laundry, headed out, came back and did more laundry and then art for an hour.

I’m trying to get in the habit again of doing at least 3 lessons of Spanish or 15 minutes a day. Trying to exercise everyday. Trying to write/journal or do some art every day. Clean something or organize something. 

Life feels positive. 

But something is missing. 

I keep spending too much time on my phone, keep distracting myself till midnight, iltosha, or scrolling… keep waking up to the depression of winter, fighting it off,  making the day productive, then again, then again. 

Tonight my organizing consisted of putting all the Christmas cards with the past cards and notes. Brief glimpses of the past, of illy and nova and Becky and laurel and students and coworkers and family going back at least 30 years… all sorts of people who have loved me, and who I have loved.And it felt like so much that I put it all in a plastic bin and tucked it away to be explored another day. Too much love, too much grief. 

I made a choice with my art project and I’m not sure how to fix it… I think it’s the point in the art project where I ruin it, and have to just accept that this is what it is. I can start a new one with all my new art supplies. 

Probably need to start having company more frequently… who to invite to my hovel? 

I have ideas of a future but I’m trying to just invest in my day to day.  Today I did Spanish, exercised, journaled, did art, and maybe now I will read?  Or scroll. 

It’s all been done. 

A day early this time

 Not even sure what I want to say...

Listening to music I love tonight.  A little Jeremy Enigk, some Led Zeppelin, the Mars Volta.

The day started with some difficulty. I was up till 2 or 3 AM, and so waking up at 8 was a bit of a challenge. I had wanted to sleep in, it was supposed to be a winter storm today afterall. I'd imagined sipping tea or coffee, covered in blankets, staring out the window and reading. .. but plans had been made... and that's a good thing. 

Went to Crosby Farms with the old teaching crew (lizards). Walked the cold forest, staring at the naked giants, so many fallen, columns succumbed to the wind and the shifting sandy soil. We trekked around catching up, talking primarily of the present, afraid to talk about the future? Letting go of the past with the occasional reference and the recognition of the haziness of memories. Who can recall past brain fog? past the stress of the day, the darkness of the future. 

And yet, it felt so good. Smiles and laughter, and connection.  I love these people, will always love them. I am inspired by them even a decade later. Feel awkward in my distance and yet still connected.

A few months ago I was so sad, so traumatized by the past that I wondered how it would be to reconnect after so long, and what I found to be true was that I was inspired again, ready to leap off the next launch with them. More than any crew of people... I trust them to jump with me. Its' weird. We are so different and yet... I don't know. I need more of them in my life. 

I understand why I had to leave.  But now, a decade later... maybe I am ready for something like that again.  I've had love affairs, and other jobs, and I've seen more of the world, and lived more places, and... still, who do I trust? who do I look to?  In lizards...   Maybe its because we built community during a formative time. Maybe because we trauma bonded.  Maybe because they inspired me further down a path. Maybe because they believed in me, took me in, loved and respected me...

Aryn gave us a book, the newest by the author of braiding sweet grass. Its a short quick, and inspiring/validating piece. 100 or so pages easily read at a spy house afternoon as the sleet came down. The book was about a "gift economy" or rather, a circular, collaborative, community economy that works for all. Not built on scaricity, but abundance, based on the reality that all things are gifts of the earth, and nothing can be taken without consequence, so... if you take with the idea of giving back, only take enough, circulate the wealth etc... then we live aligned with the earth instead of creating our own destruction...  We could be part of the forest, the plains, the deserts, the ecosystems...

So I was thinking of that, and staring out the window at spyhouse on Nicollet and considered the age of the trees, some within 20 years I am sure. Others probably planted 50 years ago?  Who remembers? Were they small when the houses and buildings were built?  These are the trees they decorate with lights to add a little joy to the city in the winter... Who remembers?   The other day I was thinking about how sometimes in life we try to create a legacy with our name on it, while other times we are grateful to let go of what we have done or left undone.      and I was thinking of how someone planted these trees and created the sidewalks around them so as not to allow the roots to destroy the walking path, and put grates around them etc... and... no one remembers who this was... or when it happened... I am sure there are records. But one day there were trees planted, and 50 years or so they are so much a part of the landscape that who would recall?

Victoria said there was a guy who was buying up old golf courses and returning them to forest. What a legacy... and yet if all humans died, no one would know the difference... In a 100 years, if humans are around, will they recall the golf course, or just see a forest and assume it was always there?

In teaching, and in therapy, there are these recognitions that you can teach an amazing lesson, or share an amazing insight, but the truest and best insights/wisdom will always be when the student/client adapts it and sees it as their own... like when they take that knowledge and internalize it to the extent that it wasn't your lesson, it was always theirs... their bright idea.  The best teachers and therapists create the conditions under which the other has these insights  (so they say)...

And is it any different with the rest of life?   Wouldn't the best legacy be to do something that becomes so incorporated into the lifestyle, the environment etc, that it seems natural, seems like it has always existed and life without it seems impossible?

I watched a guy debating marxism vs capitalism, and the guy was convinced that marxism was manmade while capitalism was inherent... and it was like... wow, its so ingrained we can't even imagine that there was/is life without it.

But these rules are man made. These days are man made. 

Maybe the one thing Luigi did, was to shake us up and remind us that the rules only apply because we believe them. The billionaires have no 'right' to their stolen wealth, we've just allowed it. A breath of fresh air. 

Or maybe its just me sooooo set in my fixed beliefs. 

I was thinking about that this afternoon, how easy it is -given my privileges, given my intellectualizing and rationalizing, and my type 9 desire to see and accept, and get stuck with this. Whatever this is. I can wade through it, so I accept it. I endorse it. When... well its not real.

I need people in my life who can challenge me out of my bullshit. I need new energy and new environments, and new experiences, and whatever... to remind me. Hey you're stuck in bullshit -and yes it is very much part of my white male experience. 

But I am also stuck in my what should bes.... like I can't make a business or a whatever... because I am supposed to make it like ------.  When really, it can be whatever it needs to be, and likely that means changing and growing and adapting to whatever happens.

Today I was thinking, I should run groups... maybe a free workshop. Get all the clients together and have them learn from each other. Create some community in the process.

Art classes?  Theater classes? 

What am I doing really?  The role of therapist in our society is sooooo fake. I have all this knowledge of humans, but really... not sure what its worth, unless in some sort of exchange that feels like it respects the soul of each person. Am I doing that lately?   

I dunno.

My art project is almost done... I am not sure if I like the outcome. I'd probably do a few things different on the next one. Will there be a next one?

Will i go to the workshop hours tomorrow?

Church in the morning. 

The tarot videos tell me everything is gonna change soon.  They also say be calm and accept divine timing. 

I've been wondering (as always I suppose), if I did the right thing, if I fought hard enough. Why I felt ready to move on... still feel that way when I miss her so frequently, when I still adore her presence...

It just feels like it wasn't the right fit. Something continues to signal that to me now... 

I miss her, I miss Simba, and its soooo weird to not have him under foot or around each corner. I think it hits me like 10 times a day. The place feels empty. 

5 more days of work and then a week off.

How to spend that time?  Should I find an office space and start a business in the new year?  Maybe Feb or Mar? 

I don't think I will buy a house unless something leaps out now. But I think my mom was right, I needed to define for myself what I liked again. 

Need more community. What does that look like?

My apartment smells like sage

 My apartment. I’m trying to get used to it. No longer ours. Not the place where I made a home with E for two years. Like a divorce everyone tells me. As she was saying goodbye today, she said “we spent every day together for over two years” and it’s mostly true. We exchanged goodbyes and sentiments, part of one another even if we can’t be together.  It was a blessing. 

It felt healthy. Even though it sucked. Like in previous breakups I got sick to my stomach. I cried my eyes out. 

I helped her grab things and said goodbye to Simba, knowing it will probably be the last time I see him in person. 

He was scared and sad. It sucked. 

It felt healthier today though. It felt like we were honoring one another, not full of bitterness. She was very loving, even if she probably wanted me to change my mind. 

We had a miscommunication about the tv. I thought I was buying the little one from her, she assured me she was taking that one and leaving me the giant one. I thought it was hilarious because neither of us wanted the thing that people fight over. 

I’m really sad. 

I also feel like I really needed to move forward, so even though it hurt all weekend when she would text and say she was moving stuff, I was also like… fuck, this is important and good, it just fucking sucks…

I’m worried about her. she keeps reminding  me she is not my responsibility. How I lost track of that… 

In some ways I guess the reason it felt healthy is that it felt like she was acknowledging that I really needed this even if it wasn’t what she wanted. That she understood I also had lost myself and that she was saying she loved me enough to let me go too. 

I tried to clean and organize and blah blah blah. I still need to do more. This week feels daunting, even though the tarot videos assure me it will be a profound positive change. 

It’s so quiet. No Simba following me around from room to room. I need to play music more often, maybe start the rock tumbler for some white noise. 

It’s been a really hard weekend.  Saturday I went for a walk with Rachel as Illy and Elsa moved more of her stuff. Today I went to church, saw illy and then my dad, crammed stuff in and then saw Elsa. 

Afterwards, it’s just been a struggle. It was good to do all those things’ I feel very loved and supported by my friends and family. 

I had work I needed to get done (says who???). I have more than enough time to get it done tomorrow and Tuesday, I am just worried I won’t be able to concentrate. It’s been hard to not want to distract… but I told myself on Friday night I was gonna stop doing that so much. (It’s been really hard not to). I set some limits on games and social media on my phone but who knows… I guess I just want to invest in myself and also engage in things more and the phone in particular has been a major distraction. 

Last night I watched The Family Stone, and it sure felt sad… 

I don’t even know what to say anymore except, I want to move forward and love myself, and invest in things that feel reciprocal and supportive, and meaningful. 

I don’t know what that is, but I need to start daydreaming AND taking action steps… need to level up I guess. Whatever that means. 

Sunday ritual

Has this become a ritual? Me talking to myself on a Sunday night, right before work and the week cycle begins again?   Will anything change?

I am wrestling with grief again tonight.  I often have this desire to call my mom for reassurance, "Am I making a mistake?"   "Am I doing the right thing?"    because sometimes it doesn't feel like it. 

This week was of course E's birthday and thanksgiving celebrated at two households, and would have been a third.  I had a hard time not reaching out more to E on her birthday, not promising her something or buying something extravagant to say "see, I still love you!".... but not like that.  A familiar in my life... the old I love you like a friend thing, even though I love you more than my friends... but I can't handle that, so lets be ok with this.  

Of course E has made it clear she can't be friends with me.  Hence the drama in my head and heart tonight. She was over here today. I don't know what she expected. At a certain point it felt like we were tiptpoing and that she wanted to be more real. So we got real. 

And I broke her heart again. And now I am wondering as I linger with my own grief and broken heart, why I have to do this? Why can't I go back to the denial I had before...  

That was the only real thing said today.... she said you fell out of love with me, and I said yes, but I didn't know until recently. Because I didn't.  I find myself miserable but hoping and praying every day that it would get better, wanting and wishing to love her... but I just couldn't.  But I do love her... I'm just not in love anymore.  She is someone I deeply care about and want the world for... and I broke her heart and sent her home again to live with her family.   We had some disagreements about hope and what not, about trying, about what we want... but I mostly just feel so sad.

I journaled about this on paper already, but I had a dream about this last night. I knew this was the outcome of today, and wonder today, in the midst of it, why I was choking back my truth, not wanting to hurt her feelings again, even though I knew the outcome. But I sat there choking on it... it felt so mean to just be honest about not loving her the way she says she loves me... but that was the whole thing... our feelings aren't enough to make us compatible. We have different visions of the future. Different goals. And she couldn't adapt to meet my needs, and I couldn't adapt anymore to meet hers... and it was enough. She pushed. I allowed it. We split and have been for 2 months. 

So why am I so sad tonight?   Maybe because it feels even more permanent?  Maybe because I had to tear the bandaid off again?  Maybe because this is the whole thing we have been doing for 3 years only this time I didn't save her from it... or save myself from it by playing a role and likely forcing myself into denial.  I really do love this woman, I just can't seem to figure out how to make things work.

But I am still at the point of not knowing what is next, or what to do about it... trying to stay present but also allowing some distraction.  My dream of a hard conversation last night, was followed by a dream in which I flirted with someone new. She was thrilling and a little scary, and it didn't feel right, but it felt good.  She was not a soulmate, or at least the way we met did not warrant that idea.  But we decided in the dream that we would adventure together for a little while. 

But that isn't what I want.  

I want a reciprocal partner. I want community. I want a new feeling of purpose. I want a family. I want roots and an aisle seat so I can get up and stroll before the flight attendant brings their cart around. I want a lot of things, and I didn't see them happening with E after those fights. I felt like she tore the foundations apart or revealed them to be faulty... and then what?   

I want to move forward somehow. I don't know what that looks like. A house seems like a silly idea. 6-12 months in Asia seems silly. A business in which I am alone most of the time seems silly. A church in which most of the folks are old and white, seems silly.

And yet, I am grateful for my handful of friends, and my family that actually got along well over the holidays, and a new car, and a decent place to live, and her cat. I can't imagine how much worse it would be without her cat. Simba has been sooooooo helpful. But eventually he will also leave. 

She says she'll rent a truck next time and that will be the end. Like a threat.  Even though she is just being honest. She says its too hard.  I understand. I made myself essential in her life, and then she pushed me out the window, and now she is wondering why I don't want to fight for us.  

But it just hurts my heart. Because I don't want her to feel this way. And I don't want to feel this way. And neither of us deserve the pain of it... or maybe we do. But...

Its funny, she asked me how the grief was... and I told her I've spent so much of my life afraid of feelings, and causing feelings in others... and its silly.  And yet, 30 minutes later... there I was again. Feeling so afraid, and do devastated the rest of the day. 

I am trying to practice thinking or imagining a future. What would it look like to feel liberated. To feel motivated. To live into life, rather than be afraid or avoid it... rather than be defeated by it.  

Instead of seeing barriers, to see possibilities. 

Could I be an author?  A teacher? A guru? A therapist? A father? a partner? An activist? An organizer? A business owner?  A pastor? An artist? A world traveler  Could I make attachments with 5-10 more cats?  

Maybe I should make my goals that simple, a list of things I have already done, or know how to do easily... Then anything else is just bonus.  That's how it feels sometimes. Sometimes I feel like all of this is just bonus. I already lived several life times. I have hundreds of friends, kids, clients, coworkers, cousins, companions, cats,  their names all forgotten.  I am already a dementia patient, I have lived and lived, and died and died. 

This is bonus. There is so much to be grateful for. And I am often grateful, appreciative, warm hearted on the inside, slight smile to the world.  I find things to laugh at. Ways to be amused. Small joys. I am delighted frequently.  Surprised occasionally. Made small seldom, and more often only when I choose it. 

My life is a treat.  And I want to share it.  

But I am not sure who with... 

I don't reach out. I don't connect very often with others. I choose isolation 90% of the time. 

Sometimes when i am reviewing my life with E, I get mad at myself for being soooooo comfortable with making our lives smaller and smaller.  We spent evenings and weekends at home. And I loved it, because I loved her, and didn't really want to share her much with others. 

The codependency was big. 

So big that I still daydream about paying off her bills, and buying her a house.

I wanted to secretly give her something for her birthday. I didn't want her to know it was from me. Wanted her life to be easier. 

But we are different.

She took care of me in ways I didn't need, but it still felt nice. A tiny example -making sure I had hair binders and stuff. She bought some big presents like the wood block world map, and I still haven't even used them because I thought we would have a home together soon.

Now I don't even really want a house again... it was just a dream for a bit.

Maybe the real grief is hitting today and what I've been dealing with was just denial.

Maybe its winter and I am recognizing the cold, and my loneliness, and lack of exercise. 

It's 8:07, I am ready for bed... 

I had thought I would have my own business by now, and that Elsa would be working, and that we would be trying for a baby, and that maybe we'd move out to a suburb.

None of that is happening... December 2024.

I wonder what will be different in a month?  Or by my birthday? 41... 

I hope I can maintain, or get back to (cuz I don't have it right now), that whole chance at a healthier embrace idea.   That maybe this needed to happen so that we could find our right partners...

because I was killing her with my judgment and my wanting her to be more like me in the logistics/stability department... and she was killing me with the whole I need you to give more when I was already doing everything because she would barely leave the house without my initiating it...       instead of both of us just saying, we are too different and this isn't working for either of us but we love each other and that's why it sucks so much.

cuz it is what it is.

Hopefully I'll dream of something more positive for the future. And then make that a reality.

The more you stay the same

 I was just reading old posts from 2007 when i was in college... funny enough one of them was about a memory I recently was thinking a lot about... its funny how much of life I have completely forgotten...

anyway... I am the same little dude.  I really haven't changed much at all, still thinking and acting the same... still interested in the same things, still cautious and afraid. Its like 17 years ago... I can imagine if I could find any of my journals from high school it would be the same. 

Same dude this whole time. Cray right?

I wish I remembered everyone... or is it better to forget all these things I have forgotten?

Sending love to you

Another week

 

This morning in church, I tried to prepare myself in case there was one of those social meet and greet times. I did the rituals of church (they do a moment of breath, a moment of silence, etc.) but also some of my little coping skills. Imagine a moose standing behind you, no one is looking at you, they are looking at the moose. The moose is intimidating. The moose is awe inspiring. The moose is in your corner, and he has your back. What do you have to fear with this moose beside you?

I saw up a bit taller, my spine in line, my chakras aligned... I felt confident, I felt present.

I cried a bit during the prayers. My mind wandered a bit during the sermon. By the time the service was over I was ready to be out the door, I had a busy day didn't I? 

I got home and did the first part of a DA, time slowed down... I couldn't wait for lunch but it was only 11... I had a open house at 1:30ish... another at 2, another at 2:30.  My Mom and Dad reached out, but I told them I had a busy day and probably wouldn't be able to see them. I did some more work. I watched a few videos. The time ground to a halt.

I went out for lunch, feeling a little panicked, Illy got back to me while I was on the road... after the open houses... ok, then Ill see her, then I'll get home and finish my work... then I'll... 

Not enough time. I went to the first open house. It sucked. Then I went to KFC because the buffet would take too long. I went to the second open house, it was better, but am I just drawn to a lot of space for a decent price? Do I even want a house? I drove past the third... looked it up. This one looks good. Shit its only 2... I have 30 minutes to kill. I did spanish lessons in the park on duolingo, checked off another thing I was supposed to do. Good. Went to the last house. It was better. A few questions. Now what? I called Illy, she didn't sound like she was up for anything. 

Now what... I have the rest of the day to kill and its 2:45.

I went to Target. I bought pillows and a garbage can. I called my mom. I told her the last house looked better. Maybe I should buy it. Do I even want a house?

She said, it sounds like this whole project has been a way of grieving, of pulling away and figuring out what you want in a concrete way. Its true. I don't even know if I want a house. Maybe a change of location, of routines, but do I want  projects and hassles?  

She said she didn't really think I was gonna buy one, even though it wouldn't be bad if I did... She said I'm doing a good job of redefining myself. 

I watched Eat, Pray, Love last night and felt I was doing the same... I am doing good. I am sending love and light when my heart hurts or feels joy. When I have strong emotions I try not to fight them.  Just feel them, love them, send love and light to them. I am doing ok I thought at I watched this movie. -Like I am reclaiming myself and doing it in a healthy way... I cried the most during the part where she has to forgive herself that her ex husband still loves her and she has to go her own way anyway. It felt like truth. Like I need to remind myself that E and all the others can also love, want, heal, grieve, and that it will be ok. 

I thought of myself when I was in that position with M. So angry and hurt with her... "this isn't what I want" I said, and she didn't care. And E has said the same to me... and I probably seem heartless... but I don't want this anymore. Its not a good fit... but what is?  

What do I want? What do I want?

I have meaningful work, and friends, and family... and a decent place to stay... but what do I want? Where am I called to next? What do all these tarot videos keep hinting at (see I am deluding myself). 

My mom keeps telling me I am doing a good job of grieving, but I feel like I am getting more desperate for the next thing... before the loneliness sets in? before I lose hope to the world and the politics? before the winter zaps me of my will to get out of bed?   

I am doing all the things, taking care of my health (mostly), taking care of the home, taking care of the cat, the job, the new car, doing my spanish lessons, reading, journaling, meditating, but what is next?

Thursday night I was doing a little brainstorming and I realized I didn't really have a reason to take off a week during the holidays.  Thanksgiving will be the test version, but I imagine I will be lonely and bored. A week without a project? A thing to do... and I am sure I could find something to fill the time, or someone else could ask of my time, but will I feel like I am trading work for someone else's tasks?  

I need a project of my own. Switching to a new home isn't gonna happen in Dec. Maybe February? When of the business... july?  I could have done so many things. 

What do I want to do next? 

Art class this week was a good time. But it is a few hours of light heartedness... church is an hour... tasks and tasks, chores and chores... Because there was a football game last night at UMN it took an hour to get to Raising Canes and back, and despite the annoyance, I listened to Brandi Carlile and tried to enjoy myself. I realized when I got home that at least it killed an hour. That was something. I drove through parts of downtown I haven't seen in a bit. I sometimes go out of my way now because I don't have someone waiting at home for me.  I drove around Minneapolis Como neighborhood yesterday, never been. So much of the  world to see still.  

The travel bug has disappeared it seems. Maybe because my passport is in the mail... Maybe because I am trying to ground and root myself. 

Maybe this book (The Covenant of Water) I am about to read will give me the desire again.  

Not sure what I am doing... clearly. 

I don't feel like there is a shame to it, like there has been in the past, but there is a desire to not waste time. I am ready -I declare... but I suppose the last time I said that I went right back into the same karmic cycle?  Also, I am not really ready to break E's heart by falling in love with someone else... I dunno, am I?

But it would be nice to feel called.  I guess that's what I am looking for.  That shaman who pulls me from the crowd "where have you been?" 

I think I am boring the cat. He sleeps all day, and then when I

 am home, I am in bed... and sleeping. This is a bad pattern I am getting into again. This whole, being in bed all the time. Bad energy, stuck energy.  What would be different in a house?  I mean... I think of these places and wonder how often I would even enter these rooms I am checking...

What the fuck am I doing with my life.... kna mean?