And that same day

I was kind of frustrated with myself for not being able to accomplish my goal... so i went home and played computer games. it was nice... then around 5ish I was listening to Amanda Palmer  (Theater is Evil album)... and started feeling really sad, missing E... then I replayed the cd again- probably because she is blunt, speaks of love and lust, and boredom and anger, and grief and being human with music that sometimes sounds epic and a little like a soundtrack to my heart... and it made me sadder and sadder and kept having little memories of what I have missed. and decided I needed to make dinner. Maybe I'm just hungry... crying while making dinner. 

I don't know. I think its because with time, so much of the difficulties, any hurt or anger have disappeared. I miss my friend. Just talking with her. I miss having a companion. Someone to come home too. I miss my partner someone to build a future with.  

I dunno... its so easy to remember the breaking points, and the other reasons... but even if I think our break up is ultimately for the best, sometimes still, I just miss her, still want the world for her. 

I want the universe to step in and give me a direction. Something new to cling to. I sit in the space we shared together, grieving the life we made together while trying to dream a new one. And its ok. I love this space, even though she eventually couldn't. 

But how to move forward from the job I'm starting to hate (the company), without a new space to move into, I feel stuck. As with home, so as work?  meh...

I remember touring all those houses hopeful I'd find the next step, and then when I liked a house, I suddenly had this ache, because the person I wanted to show them to wasn't moving in with me..

What do I need all that space for? I barely use what is here. Half this shit, I could do without. 

I didn't do the writing I wanted to do (or at least not yet...) And I have to accept that... I am fine. Everything is fine... I am just sad. Its good to be sad, reminds you that your heart is fertile ground.

When I was coming home from Spyhouse feeling defeated, I started telling myself all the things Im grateful for... and it was a lot. I feel very blessed with this life... and I don't like that I am feeling so stuck. 

I was hungry then too, and started crying then. I am a crier... can't deny it. There is something about blood sugar here. Maybe I am diabetic. 

I dunno. Want something meaningful, and then walk away when it gets hard?  Is that what I am?  I don't think that's right, I think I overstayed because I loved... but then couldn't any longer. But what is this single life?  What's the point.

Gotta believe, have faith and all that.  That's the point. 

Gotta bring up my spirit, and eat my food before it gets cold. 

This was an angsty rant.