It’s Saturday. I feel like I didn’t accomplish anything today even though I did. I have the nagging feeling of incompleteness, of something missing, and it hints of grief some of the time and other times just makes me wonder what the hell I am doing with my life.
This past week was weird, with Tuesday and Wednesday off and cat sitting, I felt like my rhythm was completely thrown off and I liked it some of the time (getting time to be creative and not stressed) and was kind of miserable some of the time (the cat being clingy or keeping me up all night). Working on Thursday and Friday was fine when I was with clients, but I felt fairly unfulfilled and also completely unmotivated.
Friday night I didn’t really do anything productive. The cat went back to my dad’s, and I was tired.
Today I woke up to my mom asking me if I wanted to come over to do puzzles. Conveniently I had plans already. Its weird though, that is the kind of thing I want to do, but I have too many other things I need to do… and the idea of driving to Saint Paul with the temp below zero sounded kind of miserable. Instead, I had breakfast at French meadow with Gabi for 4 hours - which has become our tradition every 3-4 months. And we talked and talked and it was fun, even though I know I made her a little insecure at one point, but by 2 pm when I left, I felt like I had missed an opportunity to write. When I got home it was miserable cold out and I was hungry and needed to do some chores so I did all that, and I didn’t have any creative will power from eating heavy food, and it was cold so I laid about/ napped under the blankets for a few minutes/hours and then finally woke up to eat another heavy meal.
I finally did some reading related to my book, finding myths and folktails for the Lucy sections… gonna do some more. But I kept feeling like I needed to move or change or clean or something. Felt like I have too much space and it needs to be made super tidy or it won’t feel right… something doesn’t feel right.
Maybe I need to meditate or watch a tarot or reiki video to get into my flow state… maybe I need to pray or cry.
Church tomorrow, maybe illy or my mom or dad. Then work again, then repeat.
I really want to get back into writing, but it takes time and creative energy and I don’t know if I have that during my work week. Maybe I need to reduce my expectations of how much I can accomplish.
I miss companionship, the ease of it, the security of it, the routines, how quickly time goes by when you are ok…
Black sheep seems to have closed. There goes the Friday ritual.
Saw that insta post again so I’ve had this in my head all day. https://youtu.be/IclRg7oLr28?feature=shared
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