Its a Saturday morning, I am not feeling particularly well rested, or energized, or well... but I am not sick. I ate pizza last night and stayed up too late on my phone -part of that was really fun -watching the charismatic voice reviewing Janice Joplin, Live, Blues Traveler, and Meatloaf. Watching her glee and delight, trying to shape sounds in my mouth/throat. Part of it was because my computer game shut down randomly and I didn't want to restart it. Part of it was because I was avoiding journaling, reading, writing, because I was taking the night off... but still felt like I was avoiding.
I still feel like avoiding. Avoiding a walk with my Dad, avoiding the theater tickets Teresa just offered, avoiding writing because I don't feel quite alive or awake or INTO it yet. Avoiding sitting with my body which is usually tight, dehydrated, inflamed. Avoid noticing it because my stomach is uncomfy, avoiding sitting with my body as it reminds me I have all this untapped emotion, loneliness, desire and I don't know what to do with it.
Reminding me I have all this anger... I think anger and disgust were prominent emotions this week. The politics of incoming President... the policy, the drama. Easy to get swept up and judge the nation's shadow self. Easy to feel like we are headed in the wrong direction, towards the fear, towards the needless pain and heartache. There are so many parallels to the rise of fascism that its hard to ignore. I am not getting cynical and hopeless light I have in the past, I am just seeing places to step in.
One of those places this week was on sharing the social media I found helpful... but I found myself preparing to battle and argue with conservatives...
The big thing that kept sticking with me was christian nationalists condemnation of a pastor asking for mercy for those who are afraid. It was such a simple culminating dividing line... I shared the story in Matthew of Jesus telling the disciples right before he goes away of the sheep and the goats. Those who did for the least of us, did so to me... etc. I wanted to educate, to school, to rip people a new one... but I didn't want to spend my anger engaging that way. Just leave the story and let them deal with their own cognitive dissonance rather than me struggling with it. A bit self righteous obviously... but still -right?
I find myself even more angry at work. We switched over to the optum system for emails and IT... but the building's heat is fucked up, and the internet and athena keep going down. This company is denying 30% of the claims, can't get billing or credentialing right, and can't even heat the building... they pass propaganda through the email we are now forced to use. They talk about how they are making the health care system more efficient... the morality is out the window... and fundamentally I just don't believe in it, don't want to be attached to it... but what's my next step? (took a second to go ask about the wycliff building again).
I guess I was hoping that finding a space would be easy. Its been months and the leads that I have, haven't quite worked. I want to believe in divine timing, and also want to be ready and follow through with my portion... but am i wasting time? am I avoiding my responsibilities...
Given my experiences in life, you find something and it works out, or it doesn't and you move on... and this is all ok. Each direction ok.
The work itself sometimes gets boring. I am probably 'bored' with about 1/4-1/3 (I keep revising these numbers). Luckily each day there are clients I look forward to, and others I can enjoy even if we aren't doing anything... but maybe I should be letting go of a few clients -suggesting we need to revise goals or find something new?
Maybe I am dragging ass because this isn't what I want to do? Maybe I want to move into life coaching or something that doesn't require insurance? Maybe I want to spend more time teaching or organizing? Maybe I want to be an author and I just don't trust myself to follow through because of days like this when I am avoiding the hard work.
I should spend some time thinking about that... why am I not allowed to be an author instead of a helper...?
*because it isn't giving to others, its selfish
*because it isn't a real job (can you make money? can you guarantee an outcome?)
*because it is lonely, you don't have a support network for it
*because people will be disappointed that you walked away from something you're both good at, and that helps others
*because it is only part of what you want... not fully
And what do I want?
I want to be an author, that is true. I want to be 'good enough' to be an author and I want my words to impact people. I also want to be a helper... (teacher, social worker, therapist, whatever). I also want to have a relationship and children and it is really hard to imagine doing all of these things, I also want to be a good friend, brother, son, uncle, but its hard to do so... I want to embrace all of me, and don't know how to balance these pulls. I want to serve, and also be there for myself. I want to live a spiritual life, but also indulge in all the hedonistic cravings...
Saw these musicians last night who create such beauty... move us.
I alternated that with watching the scandalous... the mesmerizing, and with playing games on my phone, Tetris, risk, geography and word games... and occasionally stealing glances at the pictures of those I have loved.
Oh this life is full of pulls... how to know which direction to allow your body and soul and mind to drift.
I think I need to move from this seat, because the height of this table and the distance from the seat feel uncomfy, the wrong angle for things. I am just full of excuses today eh?
How to embrace what it, as it comes, acknowledge and release, rather than dwell on the uncertainty, control what is uncontrollable, the pull of Prometheus and Epimetheus -can't you sit in the present? Can't you sit with your humanity in all its vulnerability without having grand designs...
find the rhythm of the universe rather than trying to create it
What would that look like? How do you be a vessel, allow the muse to work its magic, let it be... be in the flow of the river, rather than clinging, or swimming against the current.
I suppose that is the way to say it... I feel out of the flow today. Not sure where the access point is... or rather, I am sure its inside me... but I am not sure I am seeking it?
Not sure what else to say today. Should probably be out doing, instead of thinking... maybe I need a walk, maybe I could return and do some real writing later if I moved, moved, moved.
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