I decided that I wasn't moving forward, so I put up a barrier.
The first thing I felt was a sense of freedom, of limitlessness.
Life felt expansive for a moment, a little too expansive.
Too much like floating in an endless sky.
The drama gave me structure.
Now when it comes up (because it is so thoroughly imbedded in me), I try to remind myself that it isn't my place to be stuck in, that its just drama my mind is creating to keep from experiencing life as it is.
And what is it?
I'm suddenly pummeled by memories again, feelings, loneliness, loss. It's expansive. It envelopes me in moments when I'm not prepared, and suddenly I am crying while I'm singing or dancing down the street. Suddenly things don't have the same weight, reality is so easily distorted, a simple thing anchors me in place, a complexity seems too vast.
Without the drama, without the roles, its just a jumble of feelings.
The role is protective.
It isn't real, but it keeps me from having to experience the truth. The truth is too big and despite its beauty, its scary. What if I am caught off guard and let someone down? What if I am too needy? What if I am wasting away the only chance I have?
I'm still grieving, I'm still confused, I'm still hurting, I'm still lonely.
I'm less angry. Less sure of myself. Less sure... and yet, I feel like this is what I signed up for.
As Frusciante says
"great is my confusion
It never lets me be
no one said to be here
I was punished by me"
And I think about what my soul signed up for this go'round. Karmic cycles and all that.
Was I "meant" to learn something? Have I learned it? Would pulling yourself out of drama cycles be enough of a lesson? It feels like it will take me this life time at least. Even now as I name it, I can't foresee myself not returning to it. It's exciting and comforting, its a cycle of purpose.
It's hard to imagine meeting anyone and not being enticed. It's hard to imagine any other reason why it is so hard for me to relate/create a meaningful relationship -unless this was meant, why is it so easy for others and for me nothing but struggle?
I was thinking about what I would say if I knew I was about to die.
I'd say something similar to the hand written note I wrote before heading into central america -where a dream told me I would die. And I went excitedly in search of the destination. Ready to live or die and just own my life. I did not find death. Did I find life?
And If there is no right path, if life is random, if chaos is just chaos... if death and suffering are just meaningless cycles of life. Can I be content to just exist? To live and die, to take in, and let go?
What am I clinging to?
Everything in me says that I am learning and growing, that this pain is purposeful. But will I be more on guard? I think about the place I was in when I decide to ignore my own intuition. When I decided that I wouldn't be afraid, and would just go with my desires...
I was so lonely and bored, and sick of being on my own. Would something more healthy have come along? Or would I have been just as lonely and bored the last few years?
How long am I supposed to fight for being content by myself? Why can't I crave, and cave to my desires, my longing, my needs and wants? Why can't I be selfish?
I am finding purpose and meaning again in work.
When I go too far in giving into my desires I become depressed and insecure.
When I don't go far enough I become depressed and insecure.
Balance is a fucking moving target.
This is life.
"Life is a funny game."
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