Drama

I didn't do much today.
I went for a walk with Illy. That was nice. She is worried she is experiencing mania again. I think we are all being tested in one way or another. 

But mostly I played computer games today. 

I tried to read a book and basically fell asleep sitting up.
I told myself no more videos/video games until you do some reading or writing (work/fun)
then spent like 3 hours on my phone watching tik toks and instagram shit. 

Also, I think it's been confirmed:
Not only did she move (probably in Feb) but she is with someone else, and he knows the kids. 
Probably someone I heard about.
It hurt for a moment. 
I prayed for the whole world. 
The feelings come and go. 
But really I kind of find the whole thing sort of curious. Why am I hurt? Why am I jealous? This was a relationship that made me feel insecure all the time. This is a relationship that required me to constantly be shaving off pieces of myself just to feel like I could fit for awhile. This was a relationship that I thought could be meaningful, but the other person never invested. This is a relationship where I was always the one who brought up anything meaningful or intentional, and she basically lied by omission, hid stuff, flirted openly with other people, and stopped talking altogether toward the end. So what if she invests in the next person, I hope she does. I hope she is capable. I hope the stuff I saw in her can be realized out there in the world. So why am I hurt?  Because I don't get to see it? experience it? because I wasn't good enough? Was played?  
Na... I played myself. Cut off my own corners to fit. Saw too clearly that I was taking a risk. I tried to hold her accountable to anything, and felt like I was blamed for it...
Thats just not what I want. I love her. But it was not a healthy relationship. Neither of us could be healthy in that relationship. I am doing much better now despite the loneliness. And I want something more than that. I want someone who invests in me. Wants to make it work with me, and when they invite me into their life, it will be to make a life together, not just to mess around. 

How do I get that? no clue. 
But now I am wondering if I need to block her. I keep getting all dramatic, but even when I am not, I am curious. I am always curious. Do I need to put up a boundary in order to move forward? It would probably be healthy. This is not a new thing for me, this is a lifelong issue. 
So should I?
Force myself to think about something else. 
Think about what I am looking for. 
Put some effort into that.
Put some effort into my own life, making it something interesting. Rather than snooping? 
I guess I am not actually ready to say good bye.   But I am close. 
Life is hard to do on your own.