Where do you get your dopamine

I woke up late. 
So coffee was late.
So my mood isn't normal. 
Trying to keep a headache from hitting.
Harder to stifle internal conflict and the desire to drama it up.
Sometimes I can't tell the difference between constructive reflection and drama. Usually I think that when I start to blame or argue, that's drama. Today it feels more like recognizing the difficulties. I will come back to that.

I only have like 4-5 things to do today, and I am making progress, but there is always a worry about getting stuff done on time even when I have like 8-10 hours to do something that shouldn't take more than a couple. When you don't have children you have all the time, and that is the problem. I don't have motivation to do anything, and I have no deadlines, or alternate things to hold me accountable. So I can sit and watch youtube for 4 hours and it doesn't matter at all -which isn't good. 

This got me on the idea of dopamine, which is both the "pleasure" drug -but really more like the motivation drug. What do I have motivation for?

Yesterday in therapy my therapist shared that he felt at his age he didn't take a lot of pleasure in most things, but the things he did take pleasure in, he wanted more of -and during quarantine they were unavailable. I went to target yesterday and tried to find something that would give me pleasure, and ended up with cinnamon rolls... there just wasn't anything worth my time to buy. Why decorate my home or office? Why buy extra junk? This morning I was considering the same thing as I washed dishes. Why buy more? Why buy better? Who am I trying to impress?

My mom asked me over for dinner yesterday and I declined. I felt like the effort wouldn't be worth the pay off- or rather, some part of it wouldn't. I knew that I would have a fine time, but ultimately would go home and feel alone, and so it didn't seem worth it to spend a few hours there and then go home to my "unsuccessful" life of loneliness. That was a strange thing to recognize, that I knew I would have fun, but that because I would face a crash after, it wasn't worth it to me.  I was considering that last night on a walk, that I am in this place where I am being stingy with my effort, and looking for a sustainable return.

When I first met M, I recognized I got a dopamine kick when I was around her. I wanted to be helpful. I wanted to make excuses to see her. I recognized at the time that she didn't feel the same way about me, or that it was to a far lesser extent, and that continued throughout our relationship. I rationalized that it was because she had more things going on, more competition for her time, energy, motivation, and all of that was true, but when it came down to it, if we aren't motivated to extend our energy towards someone (or do so only when it is so that they can fulfill some other personal need), it will never work out.  I think this is the thing I am realizing about being helpful. It makes people feel good and appreciated, but it doesn't make them want to extend their energy. 
I was doing laundry and I realized I am still mad at her for pulling away my fix, my reason to get up in the morning, my reason to try to impress. I was addicted to the dopamine I got from trying to please her, make her feel better, "help her," and yet, throughout our relationship I was aware of this tendency. I kept trying to figure out the right balance. Kept trying to get her to step up by being honest about where I was at and asking her to be honest too. There was an assumption on my part that we were on the same page because we had discussed stuff, and I expected her to follow through if she  had "agreed."  But I guess, it's kind of like how we talk about consent these days, if a person doesn't enthusiastically consent, then maybe they haven't. That was our whole relationship, two people saying things, hoping the other person understood.  -One of the assumptions I made was that we were working towards something. That we could acknowledge that she was stressed and that I would be on hold in some ways until the stress declined, then she would naturally put in more effort. But the opposite happened. She felt better. She felt the need to be free of me. 
Suddenly my fix was gone, along with all the other things. 

I had this thought occur to me that hit me oddly in the feels, made my body tingle in a weird way.
That so much of my dopamine comes from seeing others feel pleasure or growth. So much of my personal pleasure feels meaningless without the connection, to the extent that I have no desire to buy stuff, or travel on my own anymore, but if I was in love, I would want to. Would want to hear about and see the pleasure they take in the material, and in their connections, in their relationships, in their purpose. I am like the ultimate voyeur/succubus these days. I love watching people on  the phone while they walk around the lake, suddenly they burst into a smile, and I smile. I took so much pleasure in watching M just live her daily life, watching her make decisions, watching her run around, watching her worry, watching her connect. In many ways, the only time I saw her do that continually was with her daughter, she adored her openly. Thats how I get with people. Like I am their parent. I get my delight through them, but then want them to take delight in me too. 
Why...
There are specific places where this isn't true, and it makes me want to look for the factors... for instance is this just a safety thing? I don't feel the need to give when I am low, or hurt or scared, and I take far less pleasure in what other people are experiencing. Is it a boredom thing, like I have already exhausted my options alone and feel like they are ineffective in meeting my needs. It is a maturity thing -like how most parents and grandparents delight in children rather than their own stuff? What are the areas when it is absolutely not true...  Sex, I still feel my own selfish desires. Candy?  Fear/anxiety, I still desire food I can eat, and basic comfort, not being uneasy or put on the spot...
I lose all desire to please when I am scared, unless the fear is motivating me to please or appease. 

I dunno... seems like something to keep reflecting on. Self interest.
I am still struggling with life in the big picture. What am I personally doing anything for? Why do I take on the same roles over and over. 
I have spent a long time trying to figure out who I am and what I am about in this life, and sometimes the answers feel right. Sometimes I feel purposeful. Like at work lately. 
I have taken on these roles in social and professional ways. I have dedicated myself to growing and supporting others, but I continue to find myself in this position where I burn myself out because there isn't enough left over for me. I don't value myself enough to give it to myself. And others don't value me enough to assure it. It's not a great system. People praise me left and right, and its nice for my ego, but ultimately meaningless. "Mike you are doing a good job, you are really good at this." Ok, but what about the rest of my life... what about the fact that I can't seem to find meaningfulness in other stuff? In materials? In relationships (sometimes)?

People have been encouraging me to take on more things. My mom wants me to take over aspects of her business, especially the speaking gigs and workshops. She sees my gifts and says, why not? M used to do the same, she always wondered why I wasn't seeing clients on the side or volunteering, and the answer is kind of the same, why extend myself even further? How would I benefit? How would it feed me?  I can learn all about myself in the process, and help others,  but where is it leading to feeding me- to connection and fulfillment? 
Next week I may be starting one of these, and I am afraid, but more I am wondering why I should perform this role.

It feels like I am in this position where I can maintain, and slowly lose out...drip drop drip away. Or alternatively I jump into something and burn myself out. But either way... for what?
What sustains this "helping" motivation is often feeling connected and seeing growth. But I am feeling like I can't grow in the ways I want/need to, and when I do so in ways that overly invest in other's growth or their pleasure, it doesn't work out. So how is this helpful to me? 

Anyway... I guess this is just more complaining in the form of reflection. I want to learn a lesson here, to tell myself all of this is worth it. Maybe there is no lesson. Maybe this is all ego. Maybe I will be in a hospital bed by the end of the week. Maybe I will have 10 speaking gigs I have to do from my lonely apartment.

*sometimes I wonder if we have roles on this earth, and we are fulfilling them, and thus nothing more can be accomplished or should be expected. I was walking through a park yesterday (artificial environment) but everything seemed so perfectly balanced. Life in synch. It wasn't one bird totally selfishly absorbed in itself, it wasn't one tree thinking it was the greatest tree and standing above the rest, it wasn't one mole rat criticizing itself, and one goose thinking about how it's last relationship didn't work out, it was just the collective harmony of everything buzzing and zagging, and flowing, and standing still. And in its collective form, it was all that needed to be. Nothing more or less. It was, as it is, and it was enough. I walked through the park and for a moment thought that maybe I was exactly where I was supposed to be too, nothing more or less. And it felt good to let the ego go, and be. The radiohead song comes to mind.  

I keep thinking about this kind of stuff because I desire moving forward. But maybe the point is to be still, and just enjoy what is.