Did some brainstorming:
This is really around age 4-5. I was thinking about the story I told myself (in red), which had to do with not fitting in, or not being enough, or being too much. It was that "motor mike" who talks too much at daycare, and has too many questions. Is too sensitive. I remember wanting to fit in, and so I told myself I had to give up parts of myself in order to be part of the group.
In blue was my behaviors to remain sane and myself (though this went on from 4 till now). I remember playing alone a lot, drawing for hours, acting out stuff on the playground and talking to myself. I couldn't fit in, and my thoughts and drawings were too imaginative or weird (like how no one likes my writing and art).
What I wanted was interest in me (purple), wanted people to want to play with me, peers, parents, cousins. I wanted to be special to someone but I was lost instead. I wanted touch, intimacy, connection. To be seen and adored and loved.
In orange was how others viewed me. I was actually seen and rewarded for being mature, for being smart and creative, and relatively self-sufficient (minus food issues). At my day care I was one of the only kids that got to stay up while the others napped. I sat alone and colored for a half an hour or an hour, I was not a nuisance. Eventually other kids joined me, and I was instructed to be the leader and keep the others quiet.
In light green was the compromised position of my strengths and how others saw me. This piece of... "ok, if I can't be enough by being me, then I can be helpful to people, and they will see me as good enough." I will get my needs met because I am helpful to them.
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Recently I was feeling really sensitive and probably too lonely, and I was taking on too much of my clients burdens, judging myself by their "success."
My supervisor said I needed to reflect on that. My life is pretty much this story from about 4 or 5 on... right? Like you can already see it by that situation in preschool?
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