Drama

I started writing a poem about how I like drama. Then thought it was silly. 
I keep waking up and going to sleep with drama on my mind. 
It's useless, but it gives my mind something to do.
I used to write my novel when I was in this space, fictional characters to work through my own history and experiences. But now, I don't seem to have the presence of mind to stay focused like that.
I catch myself walking down the street, wondering if I would like to switch my view. 
I wonder aloud what the point is, when there is nothing new to fill the space. 
I perseverate on the past and future scenarios that will never happen. What would I say if... how would I respond if...

Some of the tarot, horoscopes etc say you have to open the space up before something will rush in.
Thats how space works. 
I've been trying to slowly close off the room in my heart, opening it up to new things, to work etc.
There are a lot of people I'd like to reach out to, but I don't think I have the energy to sustain it. 
I doubt they would. It's like an artificial winter. Who can you maintain with?

Illy asked me to move into the space next door to her. I said I would check it out, but I am resistant. 
There are always those dreams of living close to all of your people. It feels natural and healthy, but I worry that living too close to a best friend actually keeps you from moving. Would be easy to become parasitic. Might even lead to conflict. Plus, I like my space. I realized recently that I still haven't made it a home. It's not long term. I think if I bought a place I would put stuff on the walls. But I am not very invested otherwise. No one comes here. I am a minimalist. What is my life?

I've been thinking about how I like my job, but I can already tell there isn't anywhere to go from there. Like, I could do outpatient on the side, but why? More money, less time. Why not just get paid to do full time outpatient? I suppose I could do workshops or teach college on the side. 
It's the team part that attracted me to the job... but quarantine has made the team fall apart. 
So... I am basically doing a lot of what I was doing before. Meeting with folks individually, distanced, minding my own space. 
And I am ok at it. But I am not thriving. I guess it would be a lot to expect to thrive under a quarantine.  

Life balance is difficult. 

Values balancing.   I keep going to get coffee and I can't tell if I am participating in the wage slavery capitalism, or helping out workers who otherwise would be struggling even more?

No good answers during quarantine, it will be the story we make after the trauma that tells us who we are and what we experienced.