parts, moments, motion

This week has been interesting. The work week was relatively good, but I kept feeling disconnected from my coworkers -covid and all. It kind of felt like more than that, like that feeling where you part of a group but on the outside, and not sure what you have to offer.

The actual appointments and things went really well. I feel like I am getting to know the kids and their families, and that even group therapy time ended up being ok this week.

My supervisor recommended that drama triangle and I realized that I was introduced to that a long time ago, but had completely forgotten. I've been more focused on the victim/rescue roles. But also the shame/blame roles. I guess the triangle makes it more real, and considering each persons perspective in the triangle really adds depth. I'm hoping to introduce it to some kiddos but they are really young, so who knows if they can handle it.

The roles aren't fixed. Thats the important thing. We slip in and out of this drama cycle, and sometimes when we are really in it, we move from one part to the next easily, and don't have a chance to take a step back and notice what's happening.
I usually start as a rescuer, usually end up feeling like a victim, but being blamed as a perpetrator.
No wonder it's so easy to dwell after the end.



This week I've had a bunch of times when I was suddenly crying. Sometimes it was people's stories -empathy hitting me over a screen. Sometimes its reading something. Sometimes its just considering the world today. Suddenly it all feels so sad.

But at the same time, I am feeling really hopeful and positive. Or at least I think I am. Some of the abundance meditation was on the unity of existence, brahman, etc., and it felt really nice to frame things that way this week. In that lens, someones mistakes are just a moment in a stream of time that is infinite and circular, nothing to take personally, its like watching yourself make the same mistake and knowing it doesn't amount to anything, at the same time, the joys don't necessarily dissipate because  hey, isn't that beautiful regardless?  I can let go of things. I can smile at things. I can find people beautiful in their core, because that is true, regardless of anything... given infinity, given the unity of all creation and g-d... all is love, all is beauty, all is, and I am that.

But then, I am crying over a policy.
Crying over someone's isolation.
Crying over a lost love or two.
Crying because something is too beautiful.

its ok. I cry often, but there is definitely a feeling that the world is overwhelmed...

My friend sent me an article saying 21 million cell phones in china went quiet, presuming that many of those people died and it went unreported. how many people die a day in china? In the land of 1.3 billion, does a million or two matter? Would we even know? YES and unfortunately no.

But maybe I cry for them even though I don't know them. Cry at the disturbance in the force.

But I saw a fox roaming the streets of Minneapolis. I saw beautiful birds all week.
I saw amazing art. Read awesome things. Indulged in luxury. Laughed like a maniac at the hilarity of humans. Gave my self time to exist.

Today I was watching these videos of a woman with DID, and I wondered about all the parts of myself that have been integrated over the years, and that maybe I forgot about. Did they have names? Did they have personalities of their own?

I was standing at the sink doing dishes and had that peculiar sensation I often have of things seeming unnatural. I feel like I rarely get that feeling when I am around people, but too often when I am alone. That experience of feeling like this isn't my reality, not my body, not my life. Like this whole existence isn't quite right, and then wondering if I am just disappointed with my situation?
I continued to wash the dishes, I danced to some music, I wondered if any of it mattered in anyway at all. And maybe that's why it feels so peculiar, because it is a tree falling in the woods, because it is a life lived in isolation, without relationships, do we exist? Does our life mean anything at all?

My friend suggested she needed a week off of work. I couldn't stand not having work right now. I need purpose. But when she was saying it, I could imagine wanting to skip ahead. Skip a week here or there, check out and then back in a week later, nothing has changed but the time has been spent. You don't have to suffer through it alone.

I have therapy in the morning. last time I said I was doing well. This time? I don't know. I feel good, and sad. I feel optimistic, and lonely. I feel like things matter, and also don't. What is real? Nothing and everything?

I want to reach out to people who I have loved, and say please hold my heart tenderly for a moment, it longs to be touched, to be assured that it isn't slowly evaporating. give it weight, give it warmth.

This too shall pass, and me too, I am that.