What to say, when there is nothing new

Life is good for the most part. Doing well with work. Got friends and family who are reaching out even though I am exhausted and isolating. Maddy had a birthday (I think they are going with a Y officially).

I'm lonely. I've done better at pushing the drama out this week, but its left a big void with nothing to replace it. Like literally there is nothing but work. I can take on my friends problems again, or worry about my brother, or do some deep diving into my own stuff... but then what?
Numb out with games/movies/social media.

I can't seem to get myself to read for fun. I can't seem to get myself to write creatively.

My energy is going to work again, but I am trying to set boundaries... but for what?
I have no one to share my life with, it might as well go to the kids.

Some out there possibilities that occasionally get my hopes up...

• the lady at work I probably won't see again till summer and who I know nothing about?
• the energy worker lady who I like because of her blog, but probably wouldn't like in real life?
• an old friend from college I use to flirt with, who I would probably feel isn't able to add much to my life, but who I could take care of?
• the crush lady from MCTC I just randomly saw on bumble one day?
• the afghan girl?

But of course, none of this is real. These are just randoms with nothing growing from them. In the time of quarantine is it even worth it to try?  Hell, if I had a good crush, I might start a nice series of emails. It would be nice to get to know someone. But I don't want to feel responsible for them. I want to be selfish. I want someone who wants me for a change. 

My tarot readers offer me a lot of hope, they say a person is on their way. Someone who is spiritual and deep, and ready to put in the work. They say cut out the old, to make way for the new,  but then it feels like I am disappointed when nothing new happens. I'm still struggling to keep the space reserved. It's funny, how long does that take? Hold space until you get so bored with yourself that you choose more drama. 

Its really easy to see in hindsight, just how little I mattered and yet I dwelled on M for two years, and I'm still pushing the thoughts out.

My supervisor challenged me on a couple of things I need to think about, or rather said some things, and I took them on and considered that they might need to be reflected upon.

-About wanting to be liked. How much of my decision making is to be liked?

-About taking responsibility for things that are not yours --and how that doesn't allow them to grow.

-About how in my head I have equated attachment to someone as responsibility for them -and so I rescue to protect my own feelings, rather than actually helping them.

These are some big long term things I need to think through. But... why?

I am not nearly as depressed as I sound. Or maybe I am. I am having a lot of back and chest pain from sitting in this chair all week. I think I have a rib out. I don't think it is illness, just being out of alignment.