Fear, Abundance, Flow

I've been stuck at home. Work is good, but suddenly I am realizing how draining it can be to be positive and calm for others, without filling your own cup. How do I get my cup filled?
One thing that isn't helping is my thoughts returning to drama. Thats not helpful. She has moved on, why am I still dwelling?
One thing that is helpful is going for walks. Sun or rain, it is beautiful.
One thing that isn't helpful is delaying paperwork. It just stacks up, and its not even hard.
One thing that is helpful is planning and prepping. Feeling confident and moving forward. 
One thing that isn't helpful is looking at barriers and getting stuck. And boy are they everywhere. 
One thing that is helpful is creativity and spirituality. Meditations, rituals, prayer, writing, fantasizing?

In the time of covid 19, I am struggling with what my next life steps would be. There appears to be no opportunities. I walk to the coffee shop. I am inside for 1 minute. I go to the grocery store. Everyone is masked. Everyone is distanced. I reach out to people I already know and join them for chats, and games online. We try to raise each others spirits, without denying the truth. We are all afraid, all lonely, all anxious, and in our response to that, none of us actually want to be outgoing and there for each other... we are all secretly saying -Don't talk, just hold me.

365 days in a year, how many of those did I hold her, as she drifted off to sleep?  320?  And her story is that I didn't love her... huh.  (drama).

I think I should go back to writing my book. Its a perfect time. I should spend all weekend doing it. I should be day dreaming about that, rather than daydreaming about future unknowns and dwelling on the past. It's a perfect time to write about the isolation Lucy experiences in post-war america. It's the perfect time to write about the fuck it attitude Shawn has after he throws himself into things and gets nothing for it. It's the perfect time to write about the children like Julio and Daniella who no one actually cares about, as they are scattered into the world to do someone else's bidding. It's a perfect time to write about the death of Esteban and Diego, beloved heroes turned into martyrs but for which side of the story. In short, its a perfect time to write about how people try to find hope in things, big and small, even when the world is falling apart, especially when the world is falling apart.
But I am not feeling all that motivated...  

Maybe the book was supposed to be done by now.
Maybe it will never get finished.

I have three days to finish case notes, write, read books, watch videos, play games, make art, speak to people, go for walks.

I better finish my coffee first.  Laugh at something. Eat some cinnamon bread.


What the hell am I doing with my life?